Cutting Out the Crap 1/3: Just Say No
There are a lot of things that we say yes to in life that we..
1) Know inside that we SHOULD not do OR 2) Know we do NOT want to do.
These are two very distinct problems and I want to address both right now as bluntly as possible.
Solution 1: Stay Focused
I think focus is the most important component of success. Flat out. If you have a goal and you stay focused on doing the things necessary to achieve that goal, you will succeed. It’s that simple.
Unfortunately we’re all social animals and other people just love to (unintentionally) get in the way our goals. Even something as small as someone inviting you to a small get together can be a big distraction. Instead of attending, maybe you could checked off a few more to-do list items. Maybe you end up drinking too much and the next day is spoiled by a rotten headache.
If you’re considering saying yes or no to something and you hear that little voice saying “ehhh, I really don’t think this is wise,” here is a handy hint: DO NOT DO IT. I ignored this voice for years and years and regret always followed. “Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have ______” was a very common thought of mine until I learned to listen to that voice.
Listen to it. Avoid regret. You won’t ..uh.. regret it :p
Solution 2: Stop Being A Wuss!
You can probably come up with a 100 reasons in your head as to why you’re saying yes to something you don’t want to do. Here’s a few of the more convincing rationalizations:
- You can’t say no to family!
- It’s the “right” thing to do
- He/She would do the same for me
- If I do it now, I won’t ever have to do it again
- He/She asked me in person, how could I say no?
To be frank, those are reasons are all weak. You are a grown-up human being and you make your own decisions. WHY would you ever do something that you do not want to do? Morality, obligation, social normality… none of these things should force you to go against your own wants.
If you’re thinking that this resolution is selfish/heartless/lazy, consider this: You’re doing ______ to make someone else happy. If there is one thing that you should take away from this site, it’s that YOU are responsible for your own happiness. Likewise you are not responsible for the happiness of others.
Don’t feel bad, you’re just more rational than most people. They will understand! Plus if they don’t, they’re probably not a positive force in your life anyways. That is a great lead in to Cutting Out the Crap: Part 2…. coming soon.
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Erik said on 08.13.2010
Regarding 1: There is a guy who wanted to get really good at a specific video game. He said: I’m going to be better, and any distractions is my fault and responsibility. And he became the best.
Regarding 2: You always have a choice to make. But you must also take the consequences of your actions. You are responsible for them.
Learning is through 2 ways: Noble reflection or bitter experience.
Kayla said on 08.13.2010
I completely agree with this. Although it’s very damn difficult to listen to that little voice in your head, it’s worth learning to do so. The conscious is a very important tool and close to no one listens to theirs. I say ‘No’ plenty. And, yeah, I usually feel guilty but I don’t go back and tell them ‘Yes’ instead, so I’m goood. (:
Chip T said on 08.14.2010
This is basically how I live my life. I’m actually more of the type that has to go out of my way to say yes once in a while because my “no” is such a powerful habit.
Good read though and I know some people who definitely do need a better understanding of this concept!!
Chip
Fez said on 08.15.2010
Thank you. I needed to be reminded again to stay focused. That’s the hardest part! (Especially when you just bought Starcraft 2 :-P)
Chelsey said on 08.15.2010
I don’t necessarily agree with number one. I’ve done a lot of things I didn’t necessarily want to do (like going to some social event with my husband, for instance) but ended up having an amazing time. But I completely agree with number two. It made me think of this friend I have who complains to me every day about how her family walks all over her, but does nothing about it. I fully intend to refer her to this website the next time she brings it up.
Chelsey said on 08.15.2010
Actually, I read number one wrong. But my comment still stands…I’m sure it can fall under number two as well, though I still agree with you. =P
Nate said on 08.16.2010
Over time we have become numb to the true sensations of life. Those feelings of synchronization with the universe; I’m referring to those in the zone moments, when we can’t help but let our true selves shine though our mundane shells. You are absolutely right by saying that we are solely responsible for our own happiness. We need to take care of ourselves first and the rest will fall into place in the world around us. As far as the rest of the people in our lives goes I do feel a sense of responsibility to give them a bit of cheer in their lives. I feel like those of us living a higher existence owe those that continue to drag themselves down into the materialistic shitter they perceive as existence a glimmer of the happiness. Let them see everything that they ever dream of being in us. I’m just saying don’t be afraid to share your insights to complete strangers, dare to stand above the crowd. We are on a different level we always will be it’s our job to make sure we can share life’s hidden treasures with as many people as possible.
Emil Outzen said on 08.16.2010
To be honest, I disagree in cutting of anything YOU do not want to do. Explanation?
As you mentioned before, we are all social animals, and from that you can say, we are all for the plesure of eachother. Imagine: You are in a relationship. Every now and then unpleasant things will likely pop-up – like you mentioned. Perhaps your mother in law’s birthday or maybe just eating at your girl/boyfriend’s friend’s house.
Each of all these things have a certain value to her/him, and on a long term you will only get separeted from ignoring all of the things you don’t want to do that are valuable to him/her.
In order to get the whished task done and keep the good relationship/friendship, your job is to keep a balance between what you want to do, and what he/she want. Good relationships/frienships are most often build upon this model. Remember a ‘no’ now and then, bcause no one wants a pleaser, but keep the balance.
Bryan said on 08.17.2010
I love this post, and I’m sure many (if not all) of us can relate. I must confess that ur second topic is what I’ve been guilty of falling into throughout most of my life. Pleasing others and not always yourself is something I believe that is not right and maybe a lack of self-esteem is what is lacking in people who fall prey to the inability to say NO.
Freya said on 08.17.2010
Yes, we don’t have any obligations or responsibilities to one another, none. I do not have an obligation to go to work, do not have an obligation to pay my taxes, no obligation to inform my family that I’m moving overseas (if I were to do that). It’s all choice, even with the things we think we ‘have’ to ‘should’ do or ‘need’ to do, it’s still a matter of choice and what is relative to ourselves individually.
I agree with my whole soul that it is a good idea (if you want to be happy and make higher choices) to make your self the first priority over others. Look after your own interests no matter what, be truthful with your self no matter what. Own your reality without apology. But also remember, in the wider perspective of things, that we are all connected…humans, plants, planets…all connected, and all concerned about the same basic things. Small things make the big things possible :)
John Zacher said on 08.18.2010
love it
Aaron L. said on 08.18.2010
For #1, I think that it is important to also be flexible. I have seen many people work to the bone for years using a ridgid structure, or not taking advantage of new ideas or new technology.
People trying new things in the world, and pushing the boundaries of possibility and true creativeness has fueled companies like Apple and Google. And also, in my opinion, has been the secret of geniuses like Di Vinci, Edison, and most other super-influential people.
Kiesha Jean said on 08.26.2010
Truer words were never spoken. Everyone should have this shit taped to their fridge … and computer … and cell phone … and desk, maybe just tattoo it!
carissa said on 09.02.2010
I love this site and your articles, and i could not agree more with all this!
Tyler J said on 09.20.2010
Word Brotha!
As a recent cut out the crap’ee, these are the same thoughts that go through my head everyday. Nice article.
Kevin said on 06.08.2011
I don’t agree 100% with this post. It is sometimes good to get outside of your comfort zone and do things you do not want to do. It can help you grow as a person, and present new opportunities which would have never happened if you did not force yourself to do something. There are positives in every negative, so stay positive and don’t be a wuss. Just do it! If you commit to something, it is cowardly to just bail because you don’t feel like it.
For example, my mom asked me to help her get a few things from the home my grandpa was released from (her book shelves and an old TV). I really did not want to help but then I though, “I am not in the mood to drive 30 min to get this crap that she doesn’t need anyway, but my mom does so much for me, and would bend the world backwards for me.” I had other things I wanted to do that day, but instead I decided to help my mom even though I did not want to, but decided to stay as positive as possible (it is easy for my mom and I to bump heads). Turns out, it was a great decision. My mother and I talked all the way up about all sorts of interesting things, and I decided to hang out longer and have lunch with her. I no longer cared about getting home quick to do my other activities, but instead enjoyed the time I was having with my mom, which is truly priceless.
Arya Selzer said on 12.11.2011
Ah… that contradicts what my parents tell me so much. They always say that I should do the things I don’t want to do. I think it’s really knowing whether you should do them. For example, say you hate to wash the dishes, but if you don’t wash them, they’ll pile up and soon you’ll have nothing to eat off of. But! There are other things where you should just say no. Say Friend 1 wants you to go to this party, but you don’t really want to and you have school the next day. But you say yes anyway because if you don’t you’ll be considered weird or something of the like. Next day you’re a wreck. You should have said no.
It’s really what the right thing to do is. Something may seem right because… it just is right, but it’s really not. What you know is the right thing to do is what really matters.