The Oxymoron of Social Interaction
Why is it that we humans continually strive to remain strangers to one another?
When we are in a public place such as an elevator, each man and woman inside of it strains to not make eye contact with anyone else. It’s almost as though we fear social interaction and abhor the idea of getting to know someone that isn’t familiar to us.
Then on the opposite end of the spectrum, it is other people that bring the most enjoyment and the most meaning to our lives. A man with all of the power and riches in the world is nothing without other people to share it with. Nobody wants complete isolation, so why do we insist maintaining it on a day to day basis?
I was in San Francisco this past weekend and was riding the BART subway system to return back to Berkeley. The train car was stuffed to the brim with people because LoveFest, a festival full of neon-clothed, drugged out 15-55 yr olds, had just ended. It was so full that the driver of the train came on the loud speaker and announced that one of the doors was open and the train would go out of service if it was not closed. Looking around, it was obviously not any of the doors in our car and the feeling of frustration could be felt throughout the claustrophobic space.
As minutes went by, the driver came on the loud speaker several more time, each announcement more angry and whiny than the one before. The driver was throwing such a fit that the people around me started to laugh and make sarcastic comments about him. The entire train car had united in anguish and amusement towards the driver. Then all of the sudden the car lurched forward with a jump and we were off. A cheer erupted from what sounded to be every car in the whole train.
That feeling of community was nothing short of fantastic. People of all backgrounds, races, ages, beliefs and levels of sobriety humming at the same frequency. The common enemy (the driver) completely broke the usual self-inflicted isolation of each person riding in that train car. And it was awesome. Almost like we had worked together to achieve something great, even though it was just getting a subway car moving again.
Why can’t all social interactions be more like that?
This is one of life’s biggest oxymorons. Man is a social animal! We thrive at building connections between ourselves and others. Cooperation, friendship, relationships… all these were necessary components in the construction of everything we now know. Cities were not built by one man but by many working together, forging trust and familiarity.
And what’s even more amusing is considering what the worst possible outcome that could result from a little social interaction in that elevator. Maybe an short response, a blank stare? After all, chances are that person will remain a stranger and you will never see them again anyways. Who knows, that person might turn out to be your next business partner or even spouse? Perhaps they’ll point you in the direction of something you’ve been searching for. Maybe you will be able to help them in some way. All of these possible outcomes dwarf the chance of getting a rude response.
So I implore you to break the elevator rule and say something to someone. The worst you could do is a simple compliment. Anything. We’re all human swirling around in this crazy world together so why not making everyday encounters a little more enjoyable.
Every man and woman is completely unique and I believe you can learn something from anyone. Even the biggest of dolt, the smallest of personality, the most complex of individuals.
Go out and be human. And by that I mean be social.
gatzke said on 04.21.2010
I liked this article. I’m thinking of making a sign that says:
“Don’t just stand there, say something!”
and pinning it up in elevators..
Jordan said on 04.21.2010
Hahaha that sounds like a great idea. I wonder if people would actually talk after seeing the sign
Stealf said on 07.13.2012
Dude, awesome idea, maybe that should be one of high intelligence offices posters.
murph said on 05.06.2010
You want a good social experiment? Stand in elevators facing the other way and look right into the eyes of the other passengers. See how awkward it gets and much people will avoid conversation and eye contact then.
Dina said on 05.07.2010
or it could make the elevator ride even more awkward
but either way … its a great idea! haha
Mel said on 06.05.2010
It’s true; people get *so* uncomfortable when you speak to them in an elevator, or even face away from the door! Where do these rules come from??
Kratoyd said on 07.15.2010
I spent the whole past week watching that happen. I was going to a week long camp where I knew four of the one hundred and sixty people there. The first night we always have icebreakers, where we play games together, and are asked to meet new people.
90% of people HATE icebreakers. I normally don’t like them, but I decided to be different. I went out to the small groups of friends that were standing around, and introduced myself to as many people as I could. I’d learn their name, their hometown, their favorite color, ANYTHING! I met a lot of people. The next day, I woke up, and could remember about three names. I walked around, and not a single person stepped out of their clique they had made with their cabin mates and friends from home. The only group of people who seemed to acknowledge my existence were the three or four girls I had known from home. So, once again, I tried to change that. I got to know everyone I sat with at breakfast, but later, only a few of them would acknowledge my existence. finally, after two or three days of that hellish cycle, I had a group of people who were my friends. when I asked one of my more close minded cabin mates about the people I was befriending, they said that those people are weird, I am weird, and to shut up and stop arguing. It was very odd. over the final days, I continued to gather friends from groups that I’d throw Frisbees with, and once again, the “weird” people were the ones that I befriended. It is only after reading this article that I realize that I was in an elevator the entire time, and was considered “weird” because I broke the rule of elevators. Most people would make friends on the first day, and stick with them; The best friends I made, I made on the third day. The only problem I see with breaking the rule is that you end up with so many friends, you don’t remember any names. I encourage you all to break the rule, that was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had.
Kratoyd said on 07.15.2010
Also, those I befriended were not weird in a bad way, they were just more extroverted than everyone else. I’m actually quite sad that thay are not the norm, and all the “normal” introverts are not considered weird… What a world it would be, if it was that way,
Jordan said on 07.16.2010
Very interesting story, Kratoyd. People are always so worried about how people will perceive them that they act in strange ways socially. It’s almost like they think it’s weird to be friendly or “not cool.” Whatever it is, I wish it wasn’t this way.
Freya said on 07.22.2010
This is so very true, I get so excited and passionate about subjects like this. I went to a Discovery course once when I was about 16. I felt I needed more confidence and my mum thought it would help me with that. It was one week long and lots of different teens went there. I went away with a lot, but my confidence didn’t go up as much as I had hoped. Now, 7 years later I can think of many improvements they could make to a course like that. One being that we were all a community in the building, but as soon as we got outside for lunch we went back to our different groups. And the people who were ‘weird’ but were openly weird and comfortable with themselves were the only people who managed to float around between the groups and break the ice. And the people I viewed as the ‘popular’ group, the extroverts, only stayed in their group. They tried to mix it up in the huge meeting hall/learning room thing but it was just like school and we’d snap back to our old ways. I guess it is hard reaching every one in a large group though.
I work in a customer service job so it is basically my job to break the ice and ask the person how they are and if I can help them, and depending on the customer’s responsiveness I end up chatting to them and laughing and going away smiling. I mean I ended up meeting a guy who was starting up a crochet club (and I love crochet), which would not have happened if I hadn’t decided to ask him what art he was interested in.
And last year I ended up chatting to a boy on the bus just because he noticed me smiling about what he and his friend were talking about. In the same week I chatted to a guy next to me on the bus about his day and then what he was studying and realised my first judgment of him was quite inaccurate. It was awesome!
Reading this article has reminded me of these things and reignited my endeavors to, not go out of my comfort zone, but extend my comfort zone outward each day and always learn and evolve in myself which will hopefully have a ripple effect :p
Eva said on 07.26.2010
When I first read this I was amazed by the idea. Since then I started talking with people in the elevator, not only there, sometimes busstops and other places too, and It’s awesome. I have not had bad experience. Everybody was friendly, some of them surprised, but nobody refused talking . And I have become more friendly and it feels good, so thank you for that.
unbound said on 07.31.2010
Look at this issue from the perspective of time. As a small child, you *were* willing to interact with everyone. For safety reasons, your parents taught you to be cautious. Even if your parents didn’t teach this to you, you’d learn it soon enough through the trials and tribulations of your teen years.
Simple answer, we aren’t all that social because too many have misused that trust over the years.
Simple solution, educate everyone to treat everyone else well. Judging from the reactionaries in the world…this will not be accomplished easily. Greed has to be eliminated for this to happen.
In the meantime, we will all be cautious in our dealings with others.
Kris said on 09.04.2010
Excellent post – made me smile and remember the many times a similar experience has happened for me. And, yes, I also thought afterwards– why don’t we do that more ofter?
It’s such a great feeling to ‘connect’ this way — I remember it happening after the 94 earthquake in Los Angeles. There were all kinds of stories about neighbors who had never even spoken to each other who were sharing water and resources and connecting. People talked about all the fences and walls (literally) that had fallen down in backyards and people walked out and spoke to each other, sometimes for the first time even though they’d lived right next to each other for many years! Since 94 a lot of those walls and fences were rebuilt…some people changed their lives, others went back behind the boundaries.
You’re right, we are social creatures that build walls and norms of silence that are not the best practices for our species.
Thanks for a nice post –
AndyRobson said on 09.06.2010
For years I have gone out my way to talk to people and often it has lead to nice conversations. All my friends (and my wife) have forever labelled me a weirdo…I have always argued back that it is not me that is the weirdo..This is a brilliant article and I love the suggestion ‘Don’t just stand there, say something!!’ poster in an elevator…
Let’s Talk ;->
ANON said on 09.12.2010
do you think that this may just be an american cultural tendency?
you should see europe said on 09.26.2010
You mention the example on the train back to Berkeley. If you ever try to live in Europe, you will get a nasty surprise – it is infinitely worse there. The culture itself perpetuates this behaviour.
Jonny T. said on 09.29.2010
As an introvert, normally I mostly keep to myself even around people I’m quite comfortable with. However, anyone can walk up to me and start talking and I’ll talk for hours to a complete stranger. I think a key here is just being generally nice to other people.
Do unto others … :)
Teeyana said on 10.17.2010
I see I’m the only one recognizing the image is from the Fringe tv show? :D which I love btw.
Anyways I am amazed at how many articles here I agree with. I am not a good writer and have hard time expressing myself in words so all I can say is that I don’t understand why people aren’t more open either, but the question is how do we change it?
I will break the elevator rule. :)
Jimmy said on 11.19.2010
one of the best articles.. so true… i like this one “We’re all human swirling around in this crazy world together”
david said on 11.19.2010
A lot of people like myself don’t feel like being bothered by strangers constantly. I am not good at small talk, so please just leave me alone. I will save my social interaction for people I can actually develop a meaningful relationship with, not some random twat in the subway.
Jordan said on 11.22.2010
If you see people as “random twats” then of course you will never find anything meaningful in a random conversation. I’ve met very interesting people and even made long-term friends through day-to-day interactions.
barb said on 11.27.2010
You sorry loser – how can you ever meet anyone different?
Nein Nein Nein said on 05.12.2011
I’m not good at small talk either and am grateful for random people who talk to me as it helps me get better at it.
Elina said on 12.10.2010
I completely agree with this article, people need to understand that not everyone is out to get them. If everyone took the time to be a little kinder, the world would be a better place to live in.
ben said on 05.23.2011
high school is the worst… it’s like taking all that social paranoia and magnifying it 10 times. everyone’s so focused on what people think of them, what people think of their friends, what their friends think of them, etc…
why be so afraid of one of the best parts of being human?!
jube said on 07.14.2011
I actually attend Ultra music festival every year this being my 5th year, and on the metro rail on our way to the festival and on our way home this happens everytime. Everyone cheers together.. I remember when this had happened the second night of the festival i was so happy, remembering that was one of the highlights of my entire Ultra experience.
Kristine Blaschke said on 10.19.2011
I wish that humans were solitary creatures. I try to be until loneliness pulls me out to realize I can’t just be alone and rely on myself … alone. Most people I come across are so fake. If people verbalized what they really felt, and cut away all the bullshit, then I wouldn’t try to avoid those interactions so often.
Another thing that’s a little disheartening is how much social networks have become a priority to everyone. There’s no need for actual physical interactions anymore because of it. It feels like through things like facebook, twitter, or text messaging, we have an alter ego of ourselves. If you were in an elevator trying to avoid eye contact, it might be to post some insignificant thing on your phone that happened to you on the elevator ride. It’s like the real versions of ourselves are becoming so much more detached from our actual realities.
I just don’t see why a lot of people can’t say what it is they actually want to say to whoever is in front of them, yet they can post it online for anyone to see to make themselves feel important… .But to physically be present for someone to acknowledge you, I guess that’s not as much of a priority to people anymore?
That kinda sucks to know the direction everything is heading towards.
Katie said on 10.07.2012
I just started college recently and it is a pretty small campus. I can typically see the same people every day even if they aren’t in any of my classes. I don’t mind social interaction at all, but I like the way I operate. Close relationships scare me because I don’t want to change how I am and in a relationship you may find yourself changing even if you don’t realize it. I don’t want to make friends because I am so afraid of losing myself. I like me and I like who I am and I abhor the idea of someone else in my life making me change whether they mean to or not.
However, I am totally for social interaction in public spaces. I definitely do not mind talking with people in a normally awkward space (ie, elevator). I just do not want my relationship with that person to progress past small talk. I know my thinking is probably flawed, but deep relationships just scare the crap out of me. I know myself inside and out. I don’t really want to know anyone else that well.
Paula said on 01.29.2013
Rejection. That is the one thing that we are all so afraid of that keeps us away from future friends, lovers, business partners, etc… My life goal is to be immune to rejection (if that’s even possible). I just know so many great things could happen to/for me if I could just overcome this one feeling.
Nikki said on 05.05.2013
Challenge accepted ;)