A new beginning. Where to now?

1 year, 11 months ago

So I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years today. Long story short, I loved her like I have never loved before. Things were great until she started acting shady. She had been talking to some guy and one day he hugged her and they kissed at her school. (we go to different schools)
She told me later that day what happened after several desperate texts and calls. I was crushed yet I still loved her and she told me how much she regretted it and how she realized how much she loved me and so I forgave her. I mean she even got on her knees. Plus it was just a kiss… right? I found out she lied to me about her virginity and many other things and I became disillusioned. Since then I have never been the same. I used to drop everything if I heard her text. I would walk in the rain for half an hour just to see her when I didn’t know how to drive. And now I could care less if she was mad or didn’t want to see me. I realized I did not want to be with her. I was never the type to hurt someone’s feelings and for months now I tried to slowly push her away. I feared leaving her because she has attempted to hurt herself before in front of me. It had to be done. I couldn’t lie to myself or her any longer. It hurt to see how hard she tried to make things right again knowing I didn’t feel the same anymore. She would do anything I wanted and gave me anything. She is beautiful beyond belief but if I would have loved her for that reason alone it would be a matter of time before it would have been over anyway.

Now I ended two years of isolation. I threw my social life out the window because she was so jealous and I kinda got used to not going out and avoiding meeting new people; girls especially. I am free and I realize that before one forgives, one must forget. I can’t ever forget. What hurt most wasn’t the kiss, it was when she said that she liked him. Okay so maybe that wasn’t a short story but yeah.

I’m at a point in my life where I am barely hanging on. I am up to my head with homework and projects at school. I enlisted in the Marines. I have few friends. Hell I just moved to Texas about 4 years ago. I had friends but I excluded everyone I knew so my ex could get off my back with her jealousy. My parents and I are financially unstable and quite frankly, I feel alone and depressed. Has anyone been through a similar situation in their life? If so, I’d love to hear how things turned out for you and how you dealt with heartbreak and stuff ha.

12.27.2012 at 9:51 pm

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Profile photo of DaJetPlane DaJetPlane (@lytning91) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

Alright so first things first: no I have never been cheated on that I know of, but I have been lied to by the girl I loved and she has acted somewhat shady, though I came to see that as partially the result of my overbearing jealousy.

Anyway, it must be hard for you to have realized that she actually did kind of like this guy despite your relationship, and so long as this part of your story is completely true, you made the right decision to leave her. I will say right now that you do not have to forget about her to forgive her. People are people…they make mistakes, they get into trouble they can’t get out of…and most importantly, they learn to live with these imperfections.

I am not justifying her actions to you in the least, but rather informing you that you have to forgive her these missteps as you will want someone to forgive yours when you reach them (assuming you haven’t already). It’s easy to pretend, to say things like “I’d never do X or Y” until that day comes…and you are desperate to find a way back to the promised land where everything was ideal and you had nothing to feel ashamed of. It will come…it comes for everyone.

Anyway, you can do this man. You don’t have to make all your friends in high school (lord knows I made some of my best friends after freaking escaping high school) and you don’t have to have it all figured out just because you’re making a life transition. I know how you feel, though…it’s hard to find out someone you cared about deeply betrayed you, but they’re imperfect and if you cannot love people for their imperfections you got some growing to do. Sure, betrayal isn’t something you learn to simply put up with, but there are a ton of lesser imperfections that, should you not relax, will signal a difficult time finding a mate or good friends. I learned this the harder way, personally, but have since relaxed a ton.

My advice to you is to keep your head up and keep your eyes forward. Learn from what’s happened and use that to your advantage when you take on this huge feat (my stepbro did the Marines for 4 years and it was definitely rough on him to say the least). Focus all your energy and anxiety on tackling this next big step and you’ll do just fine. Time heals all wounds.

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@zsam19zz, I’ve been crushed before man, it sucks doesn’t it? Unlike you, however, I failed to initiate a lasting relationship. I stalled. Before I knew it, the girl found another guy, and to my knowledge, they have been dating ever since. It eats at me nearly every day and there’s little I can do about it but mull over where I went wrong. I realize this does me no good, but I can hardly control the thoughts that surface in my mind, you know? I’m a bit more at ease now than I once was, though she still occupies a great percentage of my daily thoughts. What can I do though? Sigh…

You’re not alone with your struggles, man. We’re all plagued by unique troubles, and in that sense, we’re all quite similar. Don’t get too down on yourself, especially considering this girl cheated on your rather than vice versa. To my extent you did nothing wrong, so don’t beat yourself up! Chin up, buddy! It is time to focus on things you love more than her.

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Profile photo of Sasho Stoyanov Anonymous (@) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

You should welcome your new life and embrace it with all its varieties. Also, there’s a thing about forgiveness I learned a long time ago on my own. I thought that if you can’t forgive, then you won’t be free at first because that’s what everyone told me. The truth however is that I wouldn’t forgive some things before they even happen, so the only way for me to “be free” is to not care if they happen or not, but be true to my principles. And when you realize how often such things happen, that they are actually normal, then there’s no point of caring, get surprised or act as if you never expected them. The drama and the strong emotions can always delude you. I don’t agree imperfection is the appropriate word here though (@lytning91). Imperfect to me is a person who is occasionally late or forgets things from time to time, not exactly a synonym to an obvious liar. (sorry about that, but it is true in many cases)

What I’m saying is that you don’t need to forgive about things you won’t need in your life in the first place.

Happy beginning.

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Profile photo of DaJetPlane DaJetPlane (@lytning91) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@beyond, I tried to clarify towards the end there but after rereading it I didn’t make enough of a transition.

I meant that, were his story exaggerated in anyway and her behaviors less offensive than we were being told, future instances of an inability to let things go could result in a strained ability to connect with others.

Like, for instance, maybe she was digging this other guy for reasons we were not informed of. I try to play devil’s advocate within my own arguments and sometimes it comes out a little muddied and jumbled. Thanks for calling me out on that.

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 1 year, 10 months ago ago

@optimystic yeah it sucks! I know how you feel. Many times I ponder in nostalgia wishing I could have somehow prevented the whole thing from happening. It was never the same after. We would talk about it and she would tell me how she regretted the things she had done. They would walk together after school. One time I called her while she was walking home after school and she hung up which was kinda odd. I later found out it was because she was with him. Ultimately, I became insecure and felt somewhat subservient to this guy whom I have never seen to this day. There is no use in thinking in terms of could have and should have. I guess the logical thing to do now is, as you said, focus on things I love more than her. Thanks for the support

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Profile photo of TheSkaFish TheSkaFish (@theskafish) 1 year, 10 months ago ago

@zsam19zz, it’s a tough situation. I’ve never quite been there myself, in fact, I’ve never been in a relationship at all. But, I’ve ALMOST been in your situation, enough to know the worrying and hurting it causes. All I can tell you is, don’t beat yourself up over it. There’s a fairly good chance that this wasn’t even your fault….you could be the best guy in the world but that doesn’t mean this girl should get a blank check to walk all over you….she chose to do stuff with that other guy, and as a result, she lost your affection for her. Don’t let it hurt you though, you can’t let yourself get down because other people make rotten choices. Also, I don’t think joining the Marines is necessarily the right way to deal with this….you are essentially signing away years of your life here…what if, a little ways down the road, you don’t feel bad about the girl anymore, but now you’re stuck in the Corps? Idk man…..unless this is something you wanted to do anyway, I’d rethink that one, and as quickly as possible.

These girl situations can be very trying….heaven knows I know how you feel about it. But maybe time will let you put it all into perspective. You already said your attraction to her has been diminishing, maybe in time it will fade away completely and you’ll be free to find someone who won’t do this kind of thing to you.

Also, you said “Ultimately, I became insecure and felt somewhat subservient to this guy whom I have never seen to this day.”

No no no a million times no!!!!! Don’t let this guy undermine your faith in yourself. Thoughts like these are weeds, pluck them as fast as you can before they choke the life out of you. Don’t be subservient to anybody!

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Profile photo of DANM!! DANM!! (@deej) 1 year, 10 months ago ago

@zsam19zz, Like Sasho was saying man.. Happy beginnings ;)
I’ve been in a situation like this, these girls will rarely ever change and if the way she is is causing you to hurt, more than enjoy your life then it is best to take what control you have over the situation and not try to change her but change yourself and your situation. I wouldn’t have been the same person I’ve learned to be now if I didn’t have the lying girlfriend of 1 and a half years that I loved. In fact you may grow more then ever. Sorry to hear about how things are going with being socially isolated, but, that is within your control

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