Are you feeling shitty about your fat body?
Basically, I have seen this girls picture a couple times now and every-time it really does touch me when I see her self portrait and when I read her written caption underneath it. Mainly because I was always considered ‘fat’. (skip past my rant to see the pic again, and THIS girls caption of her own picture)
I am the curviest of of my siblings. To create an image they are all tall, thin, lean, olive skinned, long legged, dark eyes and dark brown hair with natural blonde and red highlights and tones. Truly gorgeous. And I don’t envy them for it, I do believe they are soo beautiful, and handsome and will grow to be beautiful and loving people.
Now, I’m much shorter than them, green eyes, curly blonde hair, light skin and not so lean and thin. I have insane curves, but not so much like a Kardashian. lol I am a little chubby and rock a TON of stretch marks.
I have always had the trouble of loving my body, it rocks back and forth for me. Because I do love my body, I feel beautiful, but its the little comments by friends,family and accuatinces.
” You would look really beautiful if only you lost some weight”
” You should really cover up little bit, the stretch marks on your hips are showing.”
Among other -not so mean sounding- statements that sent me into a downward spiral of wishing I wasn’t so fat and unappealing.
Now that I’m ranting, i just wanted to throw in my experience that has happened recently.
I met this new boy, a musician (of course), and I almost instantaneously feel into a state of really liking this boy. And he felt the same, we became entranced be the lust and caring we felt toward each-other. We had sex, but our relationship soon feel apart because he was terrified of commitment and choosing me over all the others he was dealing with, it was far to much for him to handle, all the emotion set him off and sent him away. Which was alright, because I too was getting to caught up in all the emotions as well, after all.
Now I still cared for him, so I stuck around and he came around. But the point to this story was that for the first time ever during sex or in front of an partner during intimate times I felt so ugly and fat. He spoke of his past girlfriends, being thin and bashful. He has a thing where he loves watching his lover strip down and walk around completely naked, as he admires the female body, he just loves how its looks and works. Now I have nothing against this, I would of done it for him as well, it would make me happy to. BUT hes ex’s were all thin, long, lean, with perky tiny breasts, and I could imagine with no prominent stretchmarks. And he made that fairly clear, this is what he liked.
This one time, laying naked in his bed, I rested his hands the bony part of my hip, and expressed to him how that was my favorite part of my body. He hardly cared. Later when we were dressed he explained how I should start working out, and I would have a nicer toned body.
And just to let it be known. I DO WORK OUT. More than many skinny girls I know do. I am very fit and am working on it, but its just how my body is, I will never be stick skinny, my bones are too large and far apart, I would look disturbed rather than stick thin.
Now I’ve decided that falling for this boy, is in my least of interest, and I am just coming back up from the downfall of feeling awful about my body. I want to love me, and not feel like I’m being judged for my naked body.
I want to feel beautiful in my lovers eyes, and he never really called me beautiful.
I am beautiful!
So now without so much damn further adieu, here is the beautiful girl that inspired me, and set he on this rant about being and feeling beautiful in your own skin. Thank you all for reading this.
WARNING: Picture might be considered obscene because subject is not thin. And we all know that only skinny people can show their stomachs and celebrate themselves. Well I’m not going to stand for that. This is my body. Not yours. MINE. Meaning the choices I make about it, are none of your fucking business. Meaning my size, IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
If my big belly and fat arms and stretch marks and thick thighs offend you, then that’s okay. I’m not going to hide my body and my being to benefit your delicate sensitivities.
This picture is for the strange man at my nanny’s church who told me my belly was too big when I was five.
This picture is for my horseback riding trainer telling me I was too fat when I was nine.
This picture is for the girl from summer camp who told me I’d be really pretty if I just lost a few pounds
This picture is for all the fucking stupid advertising agents who are selling us cream to get rid of our stretch marks, a perfectly normal thing most people have (I got mine during puberty)
This picture is for the boy at the party who told me I looked like a beached whale.
This picture is for Emily from middle school, who bullied me incessantly, made mocking videos about me, sent me nasty emails, and called me “lard”. She made me feel like I didn’t deserve to exist. Just because I happened to be bigger than her. I was 12. And she continued to bully me via social media into high school.
MOST OF ALL, this picture is for me. For the girl who hated her body so much she took extreme measures to try to change it. Who cried for hours over the fact she would never be thin. Who was teased and tormented and hurt just for being who she was.
I’m so over that.
THIS IS MY BODY, DEAL WITH IT.
and FUCK YOU ALL who tried to degrade my being and sense of self with your hurtful comments and actions.
GUESS WHAT IT DIDN’T WORK HAHAHAHAH
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