Arting and On task?.. I'm going to need a little help.

2 years, 11 months ago

Hi lovely HEathens<3

I've made a project list for the spring which is very vital to insuring that I exit this utter absence of personal funds. Funds that I need for surviving, healthy living, and getting myself places I need to go. So far so good. But I feel that I am just not going to be able to keep myself together long enough to be consistent on my own. I just need a little help. At the same time, I don't know what help I may need. The things that usually prevent me are as follows: I'm always so exhausted, I'm always getting caught up in doing something for someone else, I don't have a single dollar to spend on myself other than living/surviving costs, I don't live anywhere near a social anything, no one around me is a creative like myself so no one thinks that what I'm doing is worth very much, I have trouble finding my own work and efforts to be valuable from time to time, also and worst of all, after so much time being repressed I really have a hard time thinking of anything I like. So overall, I lack interest in things. I feel that it's due to being so broke. I can't really let myself be passionate about much since it usually takes money to keep up with interests. So low input. I have internet and I go and watch plenty, but it's so hard to be interested in anything. I think that this apathy is my greatest enemy. Though, in moments of clarity I find myself feeling interested in almost everything but only to a degree. There was a day where I had smoked a bowl before bed and found myself SO into Halo:Legends. I was crying, laughing, and everything in between. It was the best night I've had in a long time. I don't have very many hormones running through my body at all. I believe that it might relate to why I have a hard time deriving any real passion from myself. I've been eating very healthy and working out/jogging forever now. It's just the way I am. But it doesn't do anything for my passion.

I have been opening my energies up and working on opening my third eye. I've achieved much bliss and peace but I just can't manage to achieve genuine passion. It doesn't feel like it's my fault. I've done so much. I've been passionate in the past, but it was so incidental. No matter how fully I throw my efforts into something that I love and believe in it just doesn't work. There's just something that refuses to come to me. Something very stubborn. At the same time, there is something that I feel is right in front of my face that is ready to jump out at me at any moment. I don't know if those 2 things are related.

Day by day it's getting harder to remember what I liked before. I don't believe I ever feel nostalgia for anything. It pisses off some of my friends that I have nothing that does that to me, but it also makes them a little sad lol. I don't feel any adrenaline rush from anything either. I think I've only ever felt anything close to a rush when I was very much in danger of dying. I'm very aware, very awakened, and getting healthier every day. So what is it?

Anyway, at the moment I'm working on a few things. Mainly I'm wanting to do some fan and alt-art to really wet my feet and get me on track for production. I'm doing research on a local group of superheroes whom patrol downtown and have agreed to me doing a series on them. I want to create a universe for them. I believe I'll go the opposite way and give them powers instead of taking them away like in Kick Ass.

So… I'll be posting links here and there of progress and I'll talk about how I'm feeling in relation to my work.

Wish me good luck!

May 1, 2012 at 4:41 pm

You must sign in or join to reply!

1
Profile photo of Sumi Sumi (@sumisoul) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@taylorreese

Thank you for that advice ^_^ if I had the money, and the connections I would go to portland or NYC. But I just don’t. So I need to figure out a way of dealing with life here. I know what you mean though. My environment is pretty suppressing. But I’m usually around good, nice, well intentioned people. I swear there must be something else to help me in the meantime.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@sumisoul,
“Seriously, get rid of your place, find a new place, and spend 100-300 bucks in gas to move all of the stuff you can fit in your car. Sell the rest. You don’t need anything else.”

This. I’m selling all my crap as we speak. Just keepin the clothes, computer, speakers and art. Rest is out the door!

Just geta-heck-outta thar.

Portland sucks though. I woke up in human feces under a bridge there once.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of Sumi Sumi (@sumisoul) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@taylorreese

haha. actually I really do have pretty much 0 constantly. As soon as I have it, I need to pay for something I need (i.e. a little food) I have no bank account, I have no car. I have a guitar, I have some books, and I have a laptop. That’s pretty much it. I can’t say I have more than a few clothes either.

Before anyone asks if I have a job, I don’t. I tried for a long time, but art was the thing that worked after 2 years of submitting myself for employment to ANYONE who would employ somebody. I’m doing okay with art. Enough to be alive. But I don’t feel that it’s enough just to be alive. Which is why I’m making these efforts in the first place ^_^ I’m used to not being comfortable. So it’s really not the issue. I just don’t want to try and hike there just to end up dead in a ditch.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of Sumi Sumi (@sumisoul) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@taylorreese, I did forget to say thank you for your advice once more. I’m happy that you would keep it straight forward to shake me out of apathy. It’s just that I’m in need of another way.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of Sumi Sumi (@sumisoul) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

Today, I’m doing tons of requests for people in a chat. It helps me practice working quickly and thinking quickly. No time to second guess myself. Do or die.

Sometimes I feel like study/practicing gets in the way of my actual productivity.

[Hidden]
Reply to this topic

More Posts Like This

8

Profile photo of Mad Hat Matt Can anyone else not smoke marijuana anymore?

Psychoactives definitely turn on (or off) a part of your brain every time they enter your system. No two ways about it. If you’re on the precipice of a thought or idea and you smoke, you’re either going to...

97
3

Profile photo of byebyebazman Where do you go?

When you die, where do you go? I mean sure you no longer interact with that which is (depending on your perspective)…but where do “you” go. Is it possible for you to escape the cosmos…and if yes...

16
3

Profile photo of JustinDanger The Rational Gaze and DNA

In 1998 Jeremy Narby published The Cosmic Serpent: DNA and the Origins of Knowledge. In it he proposed that shamans may be able to access information at the molecular level through the ingestion of entheogens,...

4
49

Profile photo of MonkeyZazu [HE 30 Day Challenge] March ’15 – Dream Journaling!

Is everyone super zen from last month’s meditation challenge? I hope so :) The challenge for March is dream journaling! Dream journaling is the practice of writing down your dreams immediately upon waking (before...

115
1

Profile photo of ELI var namnet Ethics on Polygamy

Do you guys think a polygamist lifestyle is ethical? Please explain!

11
1

Profile photo of ELI var namnet Knowing vs Living

What’s the difference, and/or relevance between knowing something philosophical-style, and actually living a new truth?

16
3

Profile photo of ELI var namnet Sexual/Emotional Chemistry – Why is this so hard to find?

So prior to meeting someone in person I had already developed an immediate connection with them online. It was 2 hours of back and forth jibber jabber (nothing serious, just friendly discussion as if we have been friends...

8
1

Profile photo of LVX I'm betting against VR being the next big thing

Google Glass and Microsoft HoloLens are both incredible feats of engineering and design. They may both thrive in certain niches and applications. But, they’ll never be mainstream. This is because neither meets a...

30
1

Profile photo of ELI var namnet I'm not satisfied with me

I am not so satisfied with me, my parents, Well wishers , friends all are the best one i got but only things here in my life i am not able to digest is its me. i am not getting any idea of what to do next...

3
1

Profile photo of nicht The Big Bang Theory Is Wrong

Every single individual atom is alive with a unique consciousness Your mind is the ruler of these atoms, whatever you think attracts certain atoms with a similar vibration and motivates them to carry on life processes...

29
1

Profile photo of My Husband isn't so loyal to me.

Hi I am 21 years old, I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We’ve been in a relationship for 4 years. We are having a rough patch in our relationship it’s pretty bad. I can’t really trust him like I...

0
1

Profile photo of Frankie Happiness?

Is nirvana remotely possible for human beings? I’ve often been thinking about how happiness can become an everyday thing… and most of the time, it seems utterly impossible. How can someone be ultimately...

7
1

Profile photo of gilberth Cool Jobs

I am planning to take a year off after I graduate from U of O (go ducks by the way), and I would like to go abroad and live very simply for a year or two. I plan to work various jobs, and have heard of some cool...

5
1

Profile photo of gilberth Cool Offers Online. Any others?

I have been doing alot of random tasks and jobs to make money on the side, and have found some cool outlets I feel everyone should get a chance at. For one, I have been doing what is called “Mystery...

3
1

Profile photo of Ellie The weird self realization trip

I’m sure a lot of you have gone through this. It might have happened to you like it did to me, one day you were fixing your hair looking at yourself in the mirror and then this strange feeling drops into you. It...

4