Battling a distrusting-self loathing voice every second of the day
The song “Trapped in my mind” by Kid CuDi really explains it well.
Id really like to explain my story but I don’t know where to begin. I feel like i’ve been plagued with problems of perspective and a victim of myself for my whole life. I can remember having this voice that tells me basically that I’m never good enough and I will never be who I should be. It’s sort of like I’ve created this narration that causes me to lose faith in everything from myself, to what im doing, or how im feeling and what others are saying or doing. I pretty much have this voice of negativity and doubt that causes a distrust in everything I come in contact with. I feel I’m an extremely bright person and when I get the right chance to run with the ball I’ll take it all the way home but this voice in my head tells me that I should question everything which hinders my ability to really dedicate that energy to realizing my potential. All of my focus and energy is used combating this destructive voice/mentality. This has led me on a roller coaster of attitudes and behavior and I feel like Im seriously starting to lose this battle. I literally question everything in my life and I have a hard time really fitting in with anyone because I have this aura of negativity that causes me to look at everything from a negative 3rd person view. I frequently view this site to find bits of inspiration from others and I love the wealth of advice and information. Ive done alot of reading and research to try and identify my problem and its all come down to recognizing this voice but I’d honestly like liberation from this because I feel like If continue to let this rule me and control me that I wont live the life I truly want and It may end up even being cut short. Id really like assurance or maybe a finger pointed in the right direction to finding help or that answer.Maybe someone out there has gone through this and made it out or if I should seriously consider therapy. Ive tried long and hard to really uncover myself and sort of come to peace with myself to start the healing process but Im having a hard time dealing with this. Anyone have any advice?
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All brilliant responses for you@angzilla, thats what I have started loving about this site, the honest wisdom and vibe floating about!
I ofcourse too have a story. And mine was an intense battle. I am a very sensitive person. A sensitive guy on top of that. So imagine how confusing anything that requires understanding begame to me. I was fully of the opinion that the world can become a better place. But never quite believed it was going to happen. I believed people could live their dreams, and that with the right heart, intentions and effort, anything would become possible. And then sometimes, set backs set us back. And we have these strong beliefs in ourseoves and abilities blown out of the water sometimes. Too often we loose the discipline battle, because I think we are honestly too scared to test ourselves. We sometimes dont even take up the challenge because it’s easier conforming with the majority and going along the easy obvious way instead. Follow the program. So we let go of who we are and follow our careers and distractions instead.
Even though we know. Even though deep inside truth is etched all over your consciousness. We all yearn for that authentic connection to source. And we find it everywhhere else, but in ourselves! When we discover it there, we need not look for the “feeling” anymore. We recognise ourselves AS that feeling. And then the thoughts just become tools we learn how to control by focusing our energies towards the results we desire. Remember also dude. There is no real bad outcomes. There just is. When you can accept that, you dont resist the negative. You feel it for what it is, and you let it go. When you remember fear is ONLY some chemicals your body produces just to make you aware and excited – then you will resist no longer. Then you stop fighting yourself. You start trusting yourself instead. And thats when all the negativity just becomes a thought, some firing in your synapses. When you wish no longer to experience that energy vibration as what it is, then turn your awareness elsewhere, and so too shall your being follow.
I believe I had these thoughts and battles of my own will real bad at stages. And they DO pass>>>!!!!SJ S *(QY@&EY &E !!!! I swear to you they pass. I became an extremley anxious, depressed and fearful person because of it. For many yearsd I lived in this extreme fear. (By the way @colonelmoustache, sometimes I think we should not fight that thought with a sudden response, I just realised it works better never to repress anything as that very act sometimes makes the intensity worse everytime of our unease) I finally accepted the advise I “heard” and tried so often. I let go. I trusted. I let the fear and doubts and all negativity wash though me when it comes. I recognize that its just a thought. A reaction. Some chemicals. And then it loses it’s strength of grip it has on me. And trust me, I had it so bad that I became a real phobic of nearly everything. It ruined my life to degree. But now I’m loving it. Because it shaped my experience. It’s litteraly the most exciting thing in your life, when you liberate your mind from the slavery to thought, ideas, conceptions, doubts, advise, programming, when you discover you are merely an obsever to any of these. Tou every occurance you allow your self to be part of, to every experience you are. Then we become the greatness we so scared to discover.
Dude – we have no purpose other than to be the best most beautiful self we possibly can. When we start acting just on that, and the realization of who we are determines how we in fact follow our paths, then we let fo of all anxieties modern day living hilds us to. We FORGET fear. We all feel fear, it will always be there, but you become forgetful that it actually bothered you after a while. When you have no pressure of achievement, of being liked, of pleasin others, of being special, of being the best. When you let go of thoughts of what you previously considered to be success and worthy living. THEN, you become free. When free – you’re free! Lol/ You’re free and its a beautiful liberation because yu wont rely on a relationship to make you feel that way. Unfortunatley, I know this may sound fucked up, but relationships are also too hyped. They become addictions if we allow them too, and we bcome dependant on them for that feeling! When it does end like yours did, it is a major shift and can hurt! It thoes you completely out sometimes. You don’t have to let it!
Now I do believe the world is going to become that beautiful place. Why, just because I’m going to let it!
Just be Buddy!
Very moving post, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with that. You’re looking in the right place for the kind of resources to be able to cope with this the right way. Have you tried meditating? the book Joyful Wisdom, http://www.amazon.com/Joyful-Wisdom-Embracing-Finding-Freedom/dp/0307407802 got me interested in doing it more often. There are plenty of people that have gone through similar situations as you, my advice is to read up on people that have and ways to deal with it. Though I can’t relate to this problem on a personal level, I can tell you that if you continue to look around and ask questions about it you will run into the right kind of material.
I’m glad someone else out there shares this weird perspective with me. I escaped it over this summer and found my self, but then lost it somewhere along the road… for 4 months, I felt like I was invincible and could conquer any obstacles! Then I got my heart broken and that supercharged mentality fell apart fast. I’m still dealing with it all, but I think what helps the most is trusting in life/god/theuniverse and yourself that you’ll be ok. Just work hard to stay as healthy and fulfilled as you possibly can so that you’re ready for everything life hands you. This inspires hope and potential. Remember to keep the ideas of life/death and your ego in mind, and never miss an opportunity to make your life and self better – as well as those around you.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I’ve been a scared person a lot of my life. I could have described myself as a great actor, who doesn’t believe in himself and is self doubting ego, but tricks himself into thinking that one day things will change. But things are changing. Its a choice, really, to become the person you want to be, to think and act the way you always wanted. I connected some of the dots together mate and I found that to really change you’ve got to stop fighting fire with fire. Don’t fight ego limitations with the same limited thinking, with the same ego. I found that its easy to be my best self and shine when I’m on my own and writing about it but going into situations that bring out the less conscious side of me brings down my IQ several points and limits me. You realize that you are unconscious, but the mistake is that you realize you are unconscious as a habit of the ego, not an actual realization at all! And you can’t create change with your ego, only imprints. When you feel yourself being who you don’t want to be against your WILL, such as being negative and doubtful, see it and force yourself to think the way you want, no matter how fake it will feel, no matter if you still feel bad. Know how you want to be and be it, in this moment and in future moments against the resistance of your negative habits. It feels GOOOD to make a real choice and you are totally capable of so much more! And now that you can consciously be what you will to be, you can have the knowledge to do a lot of good amazing things that others would be fearful of doing. Live your life at the edge theres no better way to do it! I’m still teaching myself and pushing boundaries as well with a long way to go, good luck @angzilla !
@angzilla, You described how I felt a number of years ago. The one day I made the decision to do something about it. After a number of years of hard work I can say that I happy and well adjusted, but remnants of my old self still remain. That being said I have developed a set of tools that bring me back to the good state.
BTW there is no one answer that will work for everyone, you must and will figure out what works and doesn’t work for you.
In my case I read, I sought professional help, I worked with sacred plants and studied shamanism.
In terms of reading, I would recommend Don Miguel Ruiz’s The 4-Agreements. The second is Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. Both books will tell you about the negative voices you struggle with, what they are, why they are there and what you can do about it.
I also found talking to a professional on a regular basis allowed me to reflect thoughts, and, for a short time I took medication. Like I said, everyone needs to find their own way, but I worked with a counselor for 2 years and took meds for about a year. I’m off all meds for quite some time and do not anticipate going back on them. They are not the right choice for everyone. But, they did help me.
I also found that working with Sacred Plants and Shaman have dramatically changed my life for the better.
@angzilla, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been combating negative thought for more than a year now. And I have definitely improved! I found that it is all about working at it. You have to really be conscious of your thought, yes, meditation has helped, but it is the daily conscious effort to recognize negative thought and turn it positive. When I first started noticing negative thoughts, I wore a rubber band on my wrist that I would snap when I realized I was thinking negatively. Converting those negative thoughts to positive ones is key. Your mind right now has established “negative thought” as its go-to default action when presented with a situation. Start imagining what life would be like if naturally you thought in a positive voice and start recognizing when you’re not. It takes work, and it will be easy to be doubtful because you will have negative thoughts, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Just remember to view it positively as well. Like I said, it takes work. But if I can do it, you can do it.
Your not alone, we all have that distracting selfish inner voice.Next time that flow negative energy fills you, ask your self what would love do? Like you said you are a bright beautiful soul and the only way to embrace that is to believe in your self that you are! Because you truly are :) i wish you the best of luck, start writing when this dark side appears or go for a run.
namaste friend <3