Being just friends with someone you love?

2 years, 8 months ago

Is that possible, and would you try to maintain a friendship, or would it lead to trouble later on? Or can you sacrifice yourself for someone by just being friends, and not letting romantic feelings take control. And would you accept a friendship with someone who in fact loves you, or would it feel like taking advantage of someone? With love I mean romantically.

April 21, 2012 at 5:15 am

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Profile photo of SumtinProphetic SumtinProphetic (@sumtinprophetic) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

@Faithflower, what’s keeping you from taking the relationship beyond just a friendship?

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Profile photo of Ray Butler Ray Butler M (@trek79) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

@Faithflower, I recently fell for a lady, I was probably a bit too forward in showing my eagerness to become much more but I think she was “feeling the water”. She was really taken by my romantic gestures and style, but I was like a poet around her, ever suffering heart on my sleeve deal. We also had a lot of intellectual discussions, she is a psychologist and I have an interest in that area. We were also very funny with each other, we got along famously. Then we had a sexual encounter, not sex but it was all but, and she felt guilty. She has 3 kids and her fiancé died a few months before, feeling guilty because she is not really over that.
She wanted to back off and just be friends and I had to indulge her wish because I didn’t want to lose her. But I found as time went on I couldn’t handle just being friends, I could not break the romantic feelings I had so I broke it off with her. In time she may reach a point where she is ready and I told her she knows where to find me. But it was destroying me like that and it hurt us both to end it but I had to protect myself.
I don’t know if this helps but that is just an experience to consider.

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Profile photo of Andy Andy (@pirates) 3 months, 2 weeks ago ago

wow… I have just had a very similar experience with a lady who is a psychologist as well ironically, and you are right, I’m am not sure I could only be friends, it would destroy me….

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Profile photo of SumtinProphetic SumtinProphetic (@sumtinprophetic) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

Some of my absolute best friendships have evolved from a sexually-tense and heavy attraction period – on both ends – when I was into her and vice versa (with different girls).

Then again I’ve also lost connection with some people all together for telling them how I felt.

Shit who knows, go with your gut feeling.

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Profile photo of sachimi sachimi (@sacha) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

It’s definitely possible to maintain a friendship with someone you have feelings for. There obviously must have been some kind of connection between the two of you to have become friends in the first place and sometimes these feelings subside over time. Things could also develop into something but it’s important not to push a relationship if the other person is not ready. I was best friends with my current boyf for over 2 years before it evolved into a relationship. He asked me out a few weeks after we met but i declined, we still remained close friends though. We were both going through a difficult year at the time and once we had sorted our heads, things then naturally settled into one of the closest and happiest relationships I’ve ever had. Hope this helps a bit!

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Profile photo of Sasho Stoyanov Anonymous (@) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

I am a man. A guy. A fucking dude. Don’t listen to fucking women about men, because you’re only going to get a woman’s views on the topic. :)

Yes, it is possible. I put girls in my friend-zone. Because I need them sometimes and, OH MY GOD!, I need friends.

Don’t bullshit me with the “sacrifice” for being “just friends” when you want something only for your own benefit, based only on your unrestrained basic instincts. That’s not a sacrifice. That’s the biggest example of selfishness to raise the ego of the person you love, while you’re lying to yourself and getting caught up in your fucking illusion of being an innocent and stupid human being, capable of feelings.

How about being friends and love a little more without inflicting the idea on others?

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Profile photo of Marlon Marlon (@shoeopener) 6 months, 3 weeks ago ago

It’s easy to say when you’re practically sterile!

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Profile photo of Ray Butler Ray Butler M (@trek79) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

In a lot of cases it is just a matter of taking time to reset the paradigm you look at them in. I have been working on this with my lady friend, and time will tell if I can have just a normal friendship if we start a new without the romantic intentions I have been working past. She is a great friend so I miss that connection, it is worth taking time to reform the way I see her and retry just as friends with no expectations. Thanks for this post, it may or may not work but you do need the time to get that relationship view out of your system so you can begin new as a friendship.

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Possible, but very hard and painful. Pretty much never worth it.

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Profile photo of Mason Lindblad Mason Lindblad (@masonzero) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

I’ve had 7 relationships before my current one, and I am friends with 6 out of 7 of those. One of them is even my best confidant, I feel like I can tell her anything, and I love her, but I have no desire for anything more than friendship anymore, even though I once romantically loved her a lot. And the same goes for the other 5, they are my friends, to various degrees, but there is no romantic tension between us.
However, I’ve learned that it is nearly impossible to be friends with someone without being somehow attracted to them at some point in the friendship. I have a great relationship right now, but I am really attracted to one of my best friends as well, and I think she is great. But I can still be friends with her even if I really like her.

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Profile photo of SumtinProphetic SumtinProphetic (@sumtinprophetic) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

@General Tits Von Chodehoffen “That it’s never worth it” – is this just a projection? I’ve developed amazing and beneficial friendships with girls I have a history with. Granted, this is not always the case with me either…

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Profile photo of Nikki Helen Nikki Helen (@strawnament) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

Yes, and no. I guess it depends on the situation of love… My situation is the guy doesn’t know, so the best I can do is to just be friends. It hurts, but him being in my life doesn’t satisfy me, but allows me to love him. (Although, this is coming from a person who doesn’t like to let go of people, and who needs to) So, if you love this guy/girl, then I would just move on with your future, if you know all possibilities are gone.

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@SumtinProphetic, having a history with someone, and currently being in love with them are totally different things.

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Profile photo of SumtinProphetic SumtinProphetic (@sumtinprophetic) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

@General Tits Von Chodehoffen, agreed. BUT, it’s all a matter of perspective at the same time.

This one girl I loved, I knew that it would be better for me, my life, and everythig in general if she was still in my life in some way. So, I changed my perspective, forced myself to love her as a friend – and the benefits that have resulted far surpass the not-so-occasional negatives.

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Profile photo of max michael hatling max michael hatling (@mhatling) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

@Faithflower,
I had a baby with a woman I loved two years ago. She moved across town with him. I hate her every moment I am prevented from being with him. I don’t want to hate her. We are known to each other but I cannot use the word “friend”. I am always trying to hide my contempt from her especially in front of our son. I sometimes fail. On the other hand…
There are many women in my life now. I will not be sexually active with them. I do let them know of my attraction and that I am their not-secret-admirer. I avoid excessive alcohol use with them and that keeps everyone behind the velvet rope. After a short while the relationship gets comfortable though still hot and flirty. I declare my affection and tell them I am going to relate to them as if we did indeed already have a sexy and romantic time together and are now past that. It works out nicely and they keep coming back. It took me decades to figure out what to do and this is the only way I have found to be satisfying for everyone involved. It also means there is none of the jealousy/hater energy when there is more than one woman with me at a time. I have less sex than I want to but have a better life all around.

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@SumtinProphetic, you can’t control love.

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Profile photo of Jesusbob Jesusbob (@jesusbob) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

What is the difference between romantic love and non-romantic love? Are we just talking sex and physical relations as the difference?

and what’s all this about accepting a friendship from someone who you know loves you? Are we talking Facebook here when you need to accept them into your life? You would turn down a friendship simply because the feelings are not mutual?

It kind of sickens me when the words “sacrifice” and “love” are used even remotely close to each other. If you love someone, you love them. If you want to have sex with them, that is not love but lust. Don’t confuse loving someone with wanting to fuck them.

If you cannot be around someone because you love them too much or they won’t reciprocate or whatever excuse you can come up with, well that is just lust and its time to grow up and see the difference. If you truly love someone then sex or no sex, you will want to have that person in your life.

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Profile photo of Filip Filip M (@filipek) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

I think that no matter how hard or difficult it is, you should be honest about your feelings. I have been in similar situations in the past and I was never honest about my feelings, because I am usually not a person being very open about his feelings (except when under the influence of drugs/alcohol or whatever).
To some extent I am, especially with friends, but not really going to the core essence and the real feelings behind it.
Anyway, when you are not being honest about your feelings, you will never know about the other person his/her feelings either, and in the end it will only kill you from the inside.

If you are not willing to share your feelings with the other person, I would advice you to write a letter to that person, telling everything what is on your heart. You do not have to send/give that letter, simply addressing it to that person will help you a lot already.

I know how difficult it is, I have been playing scenarios in my head over and over again where I was telling the things that I wanted to say, but then in the end when the situation came, I was too much of a chicken to actually tell what was on my mind.

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Profile photo of SumtinProphetic SumtinProphetic (@sumtinprophetic) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

@General Tits Von Chodehoffen, but you can control your mind, to an extent. People give too much credit to the heart (in a metaphorical sense), if you think hard enough, you can change your feelings.

Sometimes people force you to…

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Profile photo of Alex Alex (@hollowinfinity) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

If you can’t be friends with them, you never truly loved them. Simple enough.

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Profile photo of 1.61803399 1.61803399 (@drunkmonkmeth) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

there is no point.. if you befriend someone you really want more with.. you’re just torturing yourself and settling for the lesser.

that being said there is no reason you can’t get over those feeling and be friends down the road.

a few months ago there was a girl who was crazy for me. We went out and hooked up and all that jazz but I wasn’t to in to her for reason unspoken. eventually she told me she loves me and wants to be with me and wants me to commit to her.. so I completely began to ignore her.

to most if not all of you this might seem like the biggest asshole move to do, but If i had just strung her along and told her to be friends etc.. she would have just latched on to me. Loving me and getting nothing back. She would have missed chances with other better men and gotten nothing out of the time she would have devoted. Instead she hated me.. she wanted nothing to do with me anymore and thinks very poorly of me.. but she also has a bf now and she happy.

Moral of the story.. Nice actions don’t always have nice results.. and the latter

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Profile photo of Rehum P Rehum P (@wesker53r86) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

I’m friends with this girl… shy, gets good grades but is independent. She has a small group of friends and all. She’s a normal girl but she’s got that silent type nature to her. I’ve been friends with her for a while and I’m hoping to ask her out on a date or to prom but I don’t know what the tell tale signs that says she might say yes. She’s had a pretty deep relationship that ended but it was not one of those emotional endings. what do you guys think i can do?

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Profile photo of chris C chris C (@chris192) 1 year, 10 months ago ago

@jesusbob, Maybe that don’t care about the sex at all and want the romantic stuff. Just want to cuddle with that person. You make it should like if someone has feelings for someone and wants more it’s a bad thing cuz it’s hard on them. Maybe this faith flower has got feelings for someone more than once and been rejected and maybe this guy or girl they found is the most awesome one they ever meet by far. Just sayin maybe they did love them as a friend but the way they felt turned into something deeper and when you can’t show that and when they don’t feel that way it hurts.

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Profile photo of Kayla Kayla (@kayla147258) 1 year, 10 months ago ago

Being just friends with someone you love is very hard…I’m going through that right now and I guess it’s better to have him as a friend than not in my life at all. Some things just don’t work out and you have to accept it.

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Profile photo of Alli Alli (@allihanna) 1 year, 7 months ago ago

@kayla147258,
Hello, I just saw your post. I am currently in this situation too and I wondered how you are managing now?

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Profile photo of dream_big_2013 dream_big_2013 (@dreambig2013) 1 year, 7 months ago ago

@allihanna
I am too. How are you handling it?

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 1 year, 7 months ago ago

@jesusbob, You are ignoring the fact that there IS a difference between romantic love and non-romantic love. Fucking isn’t a prerequisite for romantic love. It seems you are equating sexual relations with romantic love and that makes me sad. I grew to love my best friend with out ever having sex with her.

And staying friends with her without being able to advance the relationship further was fucking difficult to say the least.

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