Is that possible, and would you try to maintain a friendship, or would it lead to trouble later on? Or can you sacrifice yourself for someone by just being friends, and not letting romantic feelings take control. And would you accept a friendship with someone who in fact loves you, or would it feel like taking advantage of someone? With love I mean romantically.
I agree Kayla, I prefer to have him in my life as a good friend than not at all. I couldn’t stop seeing him just because he and I cannot get involved romantically. Friendships can often be more fulfilling in the end which is what I’ll try to tell myself. I don’t quote believe it yet as regards him and I – as I feel he really is that special – but it wasn’t meant to be.
I only told him yesterday how I felt so I’m not sure how I’ll manage as yet on a daily/weekly basis being around him but I suspect it will be a balance of happiness and sadness, instead of just happiness. Hopefully this will diminish over time.
The main reason behind not expressing the feeling is a fear of loosing someone. Why can’t a friend just simply accept and digest the expression of other. If i am not wrong, some of the feelings like love will be natural and may not be generated artificially. What is wrong with expressing the actual feelings! It may happen that a person may express freely if another one will be mature and ready to digest. What do you all say?
WOW, Montu! You really said it perfectly. Are you getting at having the foundational respect required for any relationship? Bc to me that is absolutely what is at the core of the relationship that I am in the process of accepting as only a friendship. It is hard for me to let go of what could have been but I respect what he wants to do with his life and understand that it is just not possible!
4 or 5 years ago I dated a guy for like a month or something like that. It was short.
He is now one of my closest friends, yet, I still love him.
I do not let anything take over, I control myself and treat him like a friend because he is a good friend.
I would never want to mess up his life or risk our friendship by telling him the truth.
OMG This is so me…except I am not to the 4-5 year mark. I just got out of the relationship before it could ever really amount to anything due to timing/distance incompatibility. Thank you for helping me see that there is hope that it can work out.
sometimes i think a love isnt meant to be ours or in our lives. i know i may become friends with my last love one day, but not now. i do love him, and therefore i give him space. let emotions settle. besides, i dont want to give myself more to think about. the impression he made will last a lifetime, this i do know. his effect on who i am will carry on with me. and maybe thats all it was for; where the story was meant to end.
@peacelove, i tried this from both sides. if you love someone and you are just friends, you can do it, but it feels like more than friends, and it sucks that the relationship can not develop in something more than friends. It is only that you just want to hold the person in your life that you keep sustaining the friendship, and sometimes you keep hoping that it will turn out to something more than friendship. Also you can not move on with your life finding someone you can love, because you stay in love with the friend. it feels sad when the friend has someone else he or she loves but at the same time you want the friend to be truly happy, and i don’t like the feelings of hanging to someone that is not available if you love the person, unless it is an agreement, that both parties understand they can not have a relationship but they still love each other anyway.
If it is the other way around, when you are the one loved, it feels awkward if you know the other persons feelings, and you constantly have to set boundaries, if you don’t want it to go further than just friends. If the person keeps on pushing to more than just friends, it feels forced. The adoration feels ok and i liked to reflect it back by being extra nice to the person but it is a one way street so it doesn’t feel fullfilling in the end, because you are not in love with that same person.
Being friends with someone you love is never going to work out unless that person feels the same way about you. Don’t try to force or manipulate someone to love you. Just cry your tears get over it and move on. Simple as that. You really had to go here to find the answer to that? Damn, Common Sense is dying
@sacha, this comment made me not give up on my “friend” even if we dont end up anything at the very end of the day. this is what it said if you may have forgot. since it was a year ago..
“It’s definitely possible to maintain a friendship with someone you have feelings for. There obviously must have been some kind of connection between the two of you to have become friends in the first place and sometimes these feelings subside over time. Things could also develop into something but it’s important not to push a relationship if the other person is not ready. I was best friends with my current boyf for over 2 years before it evolved into a relationship. He asked me out a few weeks after we met but i declined, we still remained close friends though. We were both going through a difficult year at the time and once we had sorted our heads, things then naturally settled into one of the closest and happiest relationships I’ve ever had. Hope this helps a bit!”
@epipfhani, You’re welcome! Btw still with the same boyfriend and we always talk about how we were with each other when we used to be friends and all the missed signals and flirtations which went unnoticed. Hope things work out for you two :)
@peacelove, i think a friend should stay as friend not boyfriend or girlfriend cause friend is a person to share your thoughts , good or bad moments or something like that not to be your lover . A friend that not take advantages of what you share with him or take advantages of your weakness ..
It’s a difficult question.
I have been in the two situations.
A friend wanted to go out with me but i didn’t want to but we were always seeing each other as friends and sometimes we were hugging each other. Well, it looks weird to give a hug to a friend but i cannot say “no” to him, didn’t want to hurt him.
But then, his feelings started to disappear and now, he has a girlfriend and is happy with her. ^^
And for the other situation, i had feelings for a very good friend. At first, when i met him, i dislike him for no reason but we started to become friends several months later, he were talking a lot to me about his past, his secrets and every little things and i t started to become ttached to him.
It’s here that feelings came and i wanted to be with him. Then, he wanted to be with me too but not for a love relationship but for a sexfriendship =.=.
He didn’t my feelings at this time but then i decided to tell him. We were talking less than before and i wanted to forget my feelings for him because it hurted me a lot. Some months later, i was enought of being hurted so i decided to not be friends with him anymore.
Not having him in my life helped me a lot to forget my feelings for him and now, he has a girlfriend and i’m searching for mine. x) Even if i miss him sometimes…
I am in this situation right now and it is tearing me apart. Met this guy off a dating site, made the mistake of falling in love with him. Both of us just getting divorced. He use to be so attracted to me but I think as he got to know me he became less attracted. We tell each other we love each other almost daily and have sex ( which I admit I’m the one who instigates) every weekend. He has made it clear to me that he does not want to be anyone’s boyfriend but yet he still gets on dating site and has changed his status from “date, no commitment” to “actively seeking a relationship”. Every time I try to talk to him about it he either ignores the subject, says I need to be single for a min or says he talks to 1 person on there and they are just friends which I think is complete BS. I believe he genuinely cares for me n loves me but its obvious he’s not in love with me as I am in but has also said he does have feelings for me. I am constantly hurt and driving myself crazy. I’ve told him to let me go numerous times but he will not. I’ve just gotten to the point I’m thinking I should let him go. I know it will hurt him to lose me as a friend as he don’t have any really but I am hurt daily and don’t think I can take it anymore. I’ve tried dating other people but let me tell ya its impossible when your in love with someone else. I cry at least once a day and though it will probably break me to let him go I may be able to move on eventually. So sad :(
I’m really struggling with this one at the moment (as a male). I’m 23 and have never experienced feelings of this magnitude, it’s really knocking me around.
I met the girl about two years ago, instant attraction on both sides, and there have always been romantic undertones to the friendship. We never took it beyond friendship because we lived in different cities for university (but lived in the same city over summers), and there was a bit of an age difference, 17/21, now 19/23 (although this is fairly irrelevant). Although if it wasn’t for the distance I think we would have. We did spend the night together once, but we didn’t have sex (everything but) because she was a virgin at the time and I was very drunk and I was worried that she’d regret it. Well anyway, she went back to uni, got pregnant and now has a kid. And she’s with the baby’s dad.
I’m still close friends with her and see her every week, but it absolutely kills me that I can’t have the one thing I want in the world. I basically ignore the fact that she has another guy and we have the same flirtatious friendship as always. But when he’s around I can’t stand seeing them together, it really destroys me.
She’s incredibly important to me, but I’m seriously considering cutting off contact with her because I can’t take the pain. I know I need to do move on and I can’t do that when I fall in love every time I see her.
@aurora3497, I hate to say it, but it does sound like he’s using you for sex. To say you love someone but have no willingness to commit to that person seems extremely hollow. I’ve been guilty of this before… I’m not proud of it, but the fact is that men are incredibly horny creatures.
The fact that he’s still advertising online is concerning also.
He may have feelings for you, but it’s pretty clear that they are not the strong feelings that you desire. I think you should move on.
@peacelove, i have been trying to spend time with this girl i’m pretty sure i love. i don’t know if she’s even interested in me, i question whether or not i should make a move on her. she will spend time with me, and we enjoy that time in a way i couldn’t imagine with any of my other friends.
if she’s not interested in me in the same way i’m interested in her i would love to know, after that i can’t really see being her friend because of my natural thoughts while being next to her. urges i wouldn’t fight, i’d just rather not expose myself to.
it’s kinda like asking an ex pill head to run a pharmacy counter you know? like i’m addicted to her in a way that i couldn’t keep professional, so i shouldn’t have the job.
my hope is she let’s me pop the metaphoric pills and we turn out to have a lot of stability but would i wait for that as her friend? not knowingly. i’m only going to hang out with her in an attempt to become intimate with her (it doesn’t even have to be in a sexual way, i’d prefer to hold her instead of sit by her or walk with her instead of next to her) if i see she’s with someone who’s giving her that, i’ll find someone who’s not getting anyone. and yeah it’ll be hard but i wasn’t looking for friends when i asked her to chill. so maybe that answers your question.
I am going through the same scenario – so typed the words into google, which led me to this site, which led to me sign up about 10 mins ago!
Anyway, a girl that I know and was very close and intimate with, and with whom I share a pretty powerful bond, told me 9 months ago after a long period of peer pressure that she just didn’t feel the same… (which I never believed for one moment, not after what we shared) That was 9 months ago. I was bluntly told that for right or wrong this was her choice and that all she had to offer was friendship (these exact words are still seared into me).
Hurt and blown to pieces – I told her I wouldn’t be the type to linger around waiting that one day she would have a change of heart, that it was better to go our own paths until such time we could be just friends. That was the last time we saw each other or had contact.
Since then however not a single day has gone by that I did not ache in my heart somewhat fierce for missing her. I’ve tried to forget her, I’ve tried to fight it, I’ve tried to hate her, I’ve tried to simply ignore it. In the end I just accepted it and started to live with it being constantly there. It never goes away. If I distract myself, the missing comes creeping back as soon as there is a quiet moment. Anyway that went on for 9 months. I met another girl recently, whom I tried to run warm for – and in all fairness she is a really nice girl. But as soon as this happened I fell into conflict, because all of a sudden I realised how much I still felt for girl A. So I kept girl B at a distance, trying to sort my conflict out!. The other thing that plagued me is that I just couldn’t bring myself to be emotionally interested in girl B for some reason.
It came to the point that I told the Universe – “guys… I can’t do this anymore. I need to move forward, one way or the other. If girl A and me have a future together than I need a clear and undeniable sign. I can’t keep going like this, it’s wearing me down”
Two days go past and girl A after 9 months no contact, out of the blue TXTs me… She saw me in a shop and wondered how I was. Since then we’ve met (on my suggestion), had a great afternoon as friends, reconnected on a spiritual level and have had some contact by txt since over a space of a few months. I suggested last week to catch up again and do something together – stupidly or not, suggesting to go for a beach walk or catch a movie together. That pretty much was the end of that it seems. She’s not replied nor gotten in touch since.
Point of the story I guess – I truly love her for who she is and what she means to me (on a very deep level) more than anything, I love our spiritual connection and for me this is enough to have her in my life as a friend if that is what’s in the stars for us. But letting her go and having to give her up, boy it’s pretty hard and confusing at times. It’s also the strongest impulse for growth in awareness, it does steel you. You learn as you fall and pick yourself up. You learn to live with the pain of loss.
Aurora sad to say (35 male here) it sounds like he was out for sex – that’s probably why he was on a dating site anyway. Sorry to hear it hurt you, on top of a divorce :(
Let him go (hope you have after 4 months), steel yourself and live to LOVE another day! :D – I think you’re a champ, so you’ve still got friends in the male camp. ..We’re not all bad.
Shifty, sorry to hear of your girl – Sometimes you just know. I’m sure on a higher level she’s glad you are in her life (as you were undoubtly meant to be), even if her conscious self can’t read it. Take heart :)
I would say no, best to just cut them off so you can start the healing process as soon as possible. This has happened to me three times already, where I will meet someone I really like but in the end I am just not enough to be more than friends with. It doesn’t get any easier each time, it’s still every bit as frustrating and depressing every time it happens. I am just about ready to throw in the towel when it comes to having a relationship with someone I actually like, I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I’m done with the whole thing.
Anyway, I’d say no, best not to remain friends with anyone you have romantic feelings for, because it only keeps the wound fresh. It’s another one of those times where you just have to keep trudging on through life when you don’t really feel like it, but there’s really no other choice.
It is complicated situation, men&women were not made to be deep friends. I know people who get to do that, but they usually are already dating so they can not think of the other person as a potential sexual partner! When I have too much comfort with some girl I try to take some steps back so we can not be “brother-friends”, because I always will see her as a sexual partner! That is happening with me right now, so I do not want to make all the effort to go against nature.