Many people see fear as something extreme, like fearing your loved one’s dying, fear of coming out of the closet, fear of war/combat, or an ax-murderer killing you, etc. I’m starting to see fear as mundane everyday shit too that holds you back. (you can read all my shit below, or just skip to the last paragraph for what the discussion’s actually for )
Yesterday, I was in the computer lab on campus & a girl walked in & past me…she caught my eye & I kind of watched her for a minute or so. I liked her bag, her boots, and the thought crossed my mind, ‘I bet she’d like HE, I should tell her about it.’ Then IMMEDIATELY, that little voice of “appropriateness” chimes in, ‘no she’ll think you’re crazy, that is crazy, everyone here will see you, what if she thinks you’re weird, what if she doesn’t like the site,’ a million thoughts immediately rushed through my head of reasons why I SHOULDN’T. I said, you shut the fuck up little voice!! So, before I left the computer lab I wrote the site on a piece of paper, slipped it to her & just told her she should check it out she might like it. She thanked me, and that was that. I told Dave Brisol, my heart was pounding & as I was walking up to her, I felt like a complete retard! But it felt sooo good! Dave said to me, “that heart-pounding feeling is totally an ‘I’m alive!’ kind of moment.” And that stuck with me-bc it was. I wasn’t shunning away what I felt bc it was inappropriate, and I did feel so alive!
Then this morning I was on the can taking a dump, and I looked over in the mirror & remembered when I was a kid how afraid I was of that horror movie “Candyman.” I would literally run past the mirror for weeks after I saw it. So–fuck yeah you know what I did… I looked in the mirror & said Candyman 3 times, and guess what?? I’m still here to tell the tale!!!!
I’m headed to the hospital.. and then skipping town right after.. I won’t have any access to HE till Friday night at the earliest. So, in the meantime:
I ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO STEP OUT OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE–if for anything just one day (I’m suggesting more tho), and do at least one thing that makes you uncomfortable, but that you get an inkling to do. Whether it be screaming an animal roar in the grocery store, or actually helping that old lady cross the street, or picking up trash off a sidewalk, talking to a homeless person, or video taping yourself dancing like josy so awesomely did, whatever–and TELL US ABOUT IT & how it went!! I can’t wait to get back & read them…I am genuinely sad right now…I’m gonna miss the shit out of you guys XXXO (sorry the post is so long)
All you’re feeling when you feel that fear is your internal mechanism that tells you whether your behavior is “normal” or not. In places that seem very controlled by society I usually don’t bother breaking rules that much, in my dress and in my comportment. Maybe that is my mistake. However, I generally find it more advantageous to simply seek an environment where my fear is not founded, and greater expression in communication is encouraged.
But good for you, you could have just performed a pretty subversive act!
Axe murderers are too slow. Actually, I am having troubles with defining comfort zones at this point. My previous comfort zones became distant, but familiar. I am starting to believe in Darwin’s quote more. :)
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”
So I guess… stepping out of my comfort zone now would be to stop being what I want and stop doing what I want. Maybe when this cycle gets boring, I should consider staying bored for a while. I just don’t know how!