Can a M/F relationship ever be completely paltonic? Poll.
I vote NO.
My theory (from experience) is that in every instance:
if one of the two were completely honest, he or she would agree to have sex with the other.
If you claim that you have been in a relationship where this is not true then I assert that YOU were the one that did not wish to have sex.
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@possiblehubris, I think I’ve had 1 relationship that’s completely platonic. He was very open with me about being attracted to me (within minutes of meeting) and I turned him down really harshly, and we became good friends. ha. I’m not attracted to him physically and he’s not attracted to my personality. Like as friends we’re chill, and we’re super honest and open about shit, and agree that there is zero attraction at this point.
@toniolo, and that is where I say then they probably have stronger feelings for you, b/c you are the one in a satisfying relationship. Now let me be clear about this I am not talking about a low level friend. I am talking about male and female that chum around spending their day together.
If your profile pic is a picture of you, I am willing to bet that your girl-friends would like to get with you physically…sorry.
rather than being platonic, or weighed down by the boundaries of “romanticism” or “sexuality,” in a situation where you have a close friend of the opposite sex, mutually discuss safe sex, and both feel the need for the heat of another body (be for loneliness or sexual urges), then just get your rocks off and continue your friendship and lives.
and don’t dramatize it into something more. sex and “selective mating” is natural.
if it’s not that situation, then any other confusion comes from the fact that people have become very abstract with the application of “platonic,” “friendship,” and “relationship.” Or rather, think so hard on the applications of such, they no longer feel the concept in their hearts.
I think the only “platonic” relationship you can have with someone is if you are
acquaintances, and not truly friends in the close sense of the word. You are friends with someone because you are attracted to some aspect of them, sexually or otherwise.
Has anyone heard of the Kinsey scale? It basically says that no one is really completely “heterosexual” or “homosexual”, and I think that plays a lot into how our close friendships work. I’m mostly sexually attracted to males, every once in a while females, but if I’m honest with myself I’m attracted to something in every single one of my friends, whether it’s intelligence or creativity or attitude etc. I also like getting physically close to my friends because of this, but in varying ways. I think sexuality and the things we are attracted to is a vast, undefinable thing, and can’t only be tied to fucking.
@trek79 I think this idea works for family too….you are attracted to your family because of shared characteristics and history. But biologically, of course, we have a natural inclination to not Actually want to act sexually on the attractions to our family.There’s that old saying that when finding a partner, a guy looks for his “mother” and a gal looks for her “father.” All sorts of interesting implications in this.
@possiblehubris, nice topic!
@manimal, And see I used to believe this. I have studied self-control and experimented with Gandhi’s practice of Brahmacharya– but even he became a victim of lust as has been revealed in more recent biographies. So I know of the higher ideal of which you speak and I support it in theory but only in practice on extremely rare cases where both people are enlightened to that end. However, if this was the case then why would two people be lying together?
I think I would buy in to an asexual argument more. Because in the case of Gandhi one could argue that in his sexual experiments he did not have lustful thoughts, but I what of the young girl that he was bathing or lying with?
@citygirl9050, Nah, we haven’t hung out one on one for a while. Last time I saw her was a few weeks after my daughter was born. There have only been two of these weird conversations, one on the phone and one on fb. My wife doesn’t know any of this, I’m not trying to hide anything from her and She’s not the jealous type at all, it’s just not a conversation I want have. I just have to talk to my friend and clear the air for both of our sakes.
I think it’s possible to a certain extent. I’ve had many friendships with males that were platonic but I’m unsure how many of them wanted to sleep with me. Does that matter though? Our friendships were always based on common interests such as gaming or something.
Only once I can remember I had a great best friendship with a guy, and ended up falling in love with him. We were a great team. I ruined our friendship by revealing this too him months after he got a girlfriend. She forbade him from seeing me and probably with good reason.
Still, whenever I think of platonic m/f relationships, I think of him. We were best friends but looking back I believe we were probably both holding back feelings and that may’ve been what made it exciting.
Well, I’d really like to know why was this question ever formulated, as valid reasons would have first crossed your mind. In my personal opinion AND experience, a boy/man and a girl/woman can be 100% friends without any romantic or sexual desires bugging them. In the case they’ve got those desires, well… There must be confidence to create a friendship, mustn’t it? Why not talk about it? Each day/time I observe people, they take sex and romance way too far and over react their emotions, like they’re living in a soap opera or a theatrical play. I mean… Relax, dude!! It’s just a feeling!! You’re human and you’ve got’em as you also may not have them!! That’s why you need to understand when you may not be the significant other of your significant other.
In conclusion… Why not??
@nisrom, Thanks. More than a bit pissed that I misspelled platonic but glad people are jumping in.
I think you have a good discussion topic re: the Kinsey Scale. I have not had much discussion with men especially about varying degrees of heterosexuality. I would consider myself very much a heterosexual, but I have been attracted to males on occasion and like you say perhaps certain characteristics in males. Thanks for adding to the nuances of this conversation:)
Of course this can occur when both parties know exactly the circumstances but from my experience I would say no. Of course your genetic wiring can tell you that you want more than and if one party wanted to have sex/hook up that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not platonic. I think you can think of at least one girl you would never hook up with mentally physically etc and think of who that girl has that feelings for and wallaaaa defintely possible. I remember their was a time I just really wanted a girl best friend so I searched and searched and to this day not a single chick, all sent to the friend zone ( I know i’m a moron etc.)
@possiblehubris, Who wrote those biographies? How much did they really know about Gandhi? People misunderstand, and people lie, what makes you so sure that’s not what happened there?
Attraction doesn’t necessitate lust. Furthermore, sometimes sex is just a logical choice, without feelings of attraction or anything like it.
A lot of gurus and pastors and whatnot who preach about celibacy, have kids themselves.
Another thing to note is that was just one man, one of many who practice self-control. One person failing doesn’t mean that the practice doesn’t work. And, you know, things have moved forward, things have advanced, new discoveries have been made.
Self-control is easier now than ever, because there’s more good info on it than ever.
Also, Gandhi liked to keep young girls around because he thought their energy could be used to strengthen him so he could succeed in his quest.
This is actually very common in India, China and other parts of east Asia. Celibate ascetics who keep young people of the opposite gender around so they can “sap their energy.”
@bevuhlee, Thank you for the perspective of sexual attraction as healthy. I realize that my discussion does categorize, but at times I feel we must learn how do deal with the here and now before we can deal with more lofty issues or enlightened ones. Furthermore, I feel that the idea of a platonic relationship between two similarly attractive and aged individuals is nearly always at a intimacy/attraction imbalance. I hope those involved in this forum reevaluate some relationships so the issue can be addressed before friendships are ruined or hearts are hurt.
@manimal, thanks again for engaging with me in a respectful way. I will concede to your point. I believe for you it is true and something that you strive for. Just be careful about those that my worship your self-control and fool themselves into thinking that they are able to block out lustful yet entirely human emotions.
@manimal, oh and a couple of links to the Gandhi info. Not saying I buy into it either, his Autobiography has been one of the most influential books in my life but….
@possiblehubris, I was poking fun at your username.
An obvious counterexample to your claim would be a friendship between a homosexual male and a homosexual female.
Just as you probably aren’t attracted to every woman you see (are you heterosexual? add “and man” to that statement if you aren’t), the general idea can be applied to others, no matter what their sexual orientation is.
@possiblehubris, no, i tried but it NEVER worked, the other person is hurt that you don’t want to make the commitment to go further than just friends, BUT later on the feeling can die, and then you can have a platonic relationship, but maybe the feeling comes back again, i did not experience that (yet) from either my or the other person..you can however agree on a platonic relationship meaning you won’t do anything with your feelings towards the other person, that could work fine actually, because you only consider the person as being attractive, that doesn’t mean you want to jump on him or her all the time, you CAN control it if you choose to do so..unless you really really see this person as something special eg you’re in love with him or her. Then it would be just torture to act platonic lol.