Classic from friend to girlfriend dilemma

2 years, 10 months ago

So, I have a really smoking hot friend. And she’s really awesome too, popular and all the stereotype hot, sexy, popular cool type girl. She has a lot of male friends, all of whom probably want to be with her. However I do consider me her best and closest male friend. And lately I’ve been thinking a lot about her (love wise), and it scares the shit out of me because I do not want to lose her. And no, “be honest and tell her what you feel, maybe she does the same for you, and worse thing that happen is a no”, is not going to work. Several previous incidents where her male friends have confessed their love to her, they’ve all been denied and she has had an awkward relationship with them ever since – I cannot risk that.

So, my question. Do you have any past experience, or suggestions, on how I can slowly seduce her? I’m already massaging her, but getting too close to her boobs and sensitive area is way off limits. Further I’ve considered “mere exposure effect”, and just let nature do its part, but even thats difficult. Gah, how to get out of this ridiculous friend zone without telling her/be too obvious?

Ps. I have no issue whatsoever to do a move on a girl as long as I consider it to be the best move.

July 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

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Profile photo of dsublime94 dsublime94 (@dsublime94) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

@versai, I can defiantly see where your coming from, but because of how i treat her we’ve developed the most insane friendship, even though she has a boyfriend she cant help to admit that i understand her better than her does. It all depends on what you see as worth while i know that if i stay and treat her well and just respect her then she will come to me in the end and she admits that to me too. And what you said earlier is right in a way, she doesn’t chose me all the time because i am always there for her no matter and she knows that even when shes choese another boy besides me that it will hurt me so much, but she does it anyways because she knows that in the end i will still be there after he is gone. so why would she chose me when she can always have me? this is wrong and it bothers me very much and im so confused all the time, because why should i chose to love her when she treats me soo poorly? why should i accept her love back? why shouldn’t i leave her when i have treated her so well and given her everything? i honestly cant answer you that question. i know im a loser for doing what i do for her. but i havent known any other real love besides her, ive spent the last 9 years of my life growing up with her and getting to know her. I know my situation isnt fair but i love her so much and i cant help it. It hurts me knowing that she has that boyfriend but if i stop talking to her because im angry about it we both miss eachother way much and it just hurts way too much. maybe were just destined to be friends who knows. i dont understand a lot about my situation, i just hope and pray that she can someday understand how much i really do care. sorry that was kind of a lot of stuff you dont care about but thats just what i think.

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Decide if you are willing to risk the friendship for poon. Once you decide yes, make a move. Simple as that.

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Profile photo of Cody Cody (@versai) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

@dsublime94, If I knew a girl for that many years I would have learned pretty much everything I’d need to know to seduce her 100%. In my opinion, if it hasn’t happened by now, consider the friendship strictly platonic. You’ve grown up with her for so long that she’s practically your sister. There’s a difference between being there for a girl and making her your woman. If you are really that close to her you’d know exactly what to do to shake off these other guys and corner her with your seduction, without smothering her. You keep talking up this huge advantage of being her closest buddy, but you’re not using it.

If you’re that convinced that the relationship is destined to happen, even if after a series of fall-backs, then why aren’t you doing the same thing she is? –Exploring the field, testing out other girls to see if this one is really the one you want to be around forever. If what you say is true, you’ll always have each other for backup. But it doesn’t sound like she appreciates that as much as you do.

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Profile photo of Milo Milo (@milo) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

@generaltitsvonchodehoffen, This is such a great answer. I’m gonna make a move.

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Profile photo of Obviously, you're not a golfer Obviously, you’re not a golfer (@donjaime23) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

“And now a moment of silence for our brother in the Friend Zone.”

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Profile photo of Alex Alex (@immagoner) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

It’s hard for any of us to give good advice because we don’t know her. All girls are different and there isn’t one special secret tip that works in all cases. In my experience I have had chick friends for years and for a long time none of them would have been able to see me as more than a friend, but as time passed they started seeing me as more than a friend. As long as you’re always there for her, and keep some casual flirty behavior in your friendship, she’ll realize one day that your a great option. Make sure your completely comfortable around each other, and maybe even state the fact that y’all would make a great couple. If you can plant the idea in her head it will grow, and it might be slow, and it might not blossom, but hopefully you care about her enough that staying friends with her wouldn’t be the end of the world. Good luck dude.

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

Man, move on if the tension has reached the point where you’re coming to HE for dating advice haha!

If you have to be indirect like that, then date other girls, learn how to be happy and awesome with or without her, and then one day you’ll play your cards right and just decide to both go YOLO on each other.

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Profile photo of Nick Nick (@splashartist) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

@creds, Bro hate to break it to ya. If your probably her “best” guy friend thats probably where you will stay. Pay attention to her body language around you. Most likely if she feels the same there will be some signs. Thats not 100% but it’s probably the case.

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Profile photo of creds creds (@creds) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

@splashartist, I’m pretty sure you (and a bunch of others here) are right. She’s too comfortable with us just being friends, I think my case is a definition of being friendzoned (so thanks @donjaime23, appreciate it).

And haha, it really sucks, I have to give her texting advice to send to a bunch of jarheads.

Oh well, I’ll just do what @boribori90 says and YOLO the shit out of myself instead, real gangnam style.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

You gotta go for what you want.
If you want great stuff in life, you gotta be willing to LOSE great stuff too. Gotta let go man.
There is no safe, never has been, never will be, it’s all an illusion.

Also, you’re afraid you might “lose” her? Well, first of all you obviously don’t even have her yet, at least no the way you want her, how can you lose something you don’t have? You can’t, mate.
Second, you’re gonna lose EVERYTHING sooner or later, you can’t keep ANYTHING forever, everything you have is just “borrowed” so to speak. You’re gonna lose that girl one way or another, sooner or later, may as well aim to get the most out of your time with her yknow. Instead of a half-assed half-measure friendship, why not at least try to get a deeper relationship, sex, maybe kids and all that jazz?

Why not, man? Why not aim for the best? Why settle for something you don’t really want? Hmm?

Also, all of your half-assery when trying to get close to her is definitely one of the main causes it’s off limits. Girls are like that yknow, when a guy is half-assing with them they find it creepy and/or annoying. Gotta be HONEST and DIRECT man, show some spine yknow, and some soul.

Life’s WAY too short for pussyfooting. Drop that shit. Let go and LIVE!

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

You gotta go for what you want.
If you want great stuff in life, you gotta be willing to LOSE great stuff too. Gotta let go man.
There is no safe, never has been, never will be, it\’s all an illusion.

Also, you\’re afraid you might \”lose\” her? Well, first of all you obviously don\’t even have her yet, at least no the way you want her, how can you lose something you don\’t have? You can\’t, mate.
Second, you\’re gonna lose EVERYTHING sooner or later, you can\’t keep ANYTHING forever, everything you have is just \”borrowed\” so to speak. You\’re gonna lose that girl one way or another, sooner or later, may as well aim to get the most out of your time with her yknow. Instead of a half-assed half-measure friendship, why not at least try to get a deeper relationship, sex, maybe kids and all that jazz?

Why not, man? Why not aim for the best? Why settle for something you don\’t really want? Hmm?

Also, all of your half-assery when trying to get close to her is definitely one of the main causes it\’s off limits. Girls are like that yknow, when a guy is half-assing with them they find it creepy and/or annoying. Gotta be HONEST and DIRECT man, show some spine yknow, and some soul.

Life\’s WAY too short for pussyfooting. Drop that shit. Let go and LIVE!

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Profile photo of Nick Nick (@splashartist) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

@creds, Yea for sure. I have been friend zoned many a times. When you take the nice guy route thats what usually happens. Whenever I dont give a fuck about a girl is when she wants to rip my pants off. Maybe start being distance and act like no fucks given towards her and it will confuse her. She wont know what to do with herself and it may cause her to act differently towards you. It may be too late for it but its worth a shot. Or just ask straight up. Manimal had some good points, you obviously dont want to be friends with her so in reality you wont really be losing anything.

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Profile photo of KellyM KellyM (@kellah) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

@creds, sounds more like you want to get in her pants than you actually having feelings for this girl

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Profile photo of Kalem Kalem (@anarchy) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

I created an account just to answer this question.

A few years back in high school, I became really close friends with a girl I went to elementary school with. Same thing as you, she has a lot of guy friends, cool, fun to be around, real, smokin’ hot. Anyways, we became best friends throughout the first few years of high school. She broke up with her boyfriend that she was with (went to different schools), and immediately, I told her that I was into her. I was extremely shy in my freshman year of HS, so this was not easy. She lead me on and I was devastated when she told me that she didn’t feel the same way. She told me she could never date me. So as hard as I tried to avoid her, I was just drawn back in by her. She was amazing. So I stuck around for another year or so. About mid way through grade 10, we got even closer. This time I was for sure thinking it was going to be a repeat of grade 9. New Years Eve of grade 10, one of my bro’s stayed the night with her and we got real cuddly. I fell asleep in her arms (drank too much), then when I woke, I swapped places with her and had her in my arms. For about a month after this incident, we became quite close. We kissed one night, and within the next couple of days, we were dating. She has been my amazing girlfriend for almost two years. We have a great relationship and hardly ever fight. The sex is great, we fuck almost everyday lol. Make sure you are actually interested in her and don’t just wanna stick it in her. We plan on staying together for years to come. Just living it day by day and seeing how it goes. I’d definitely say I feel much better about myself and life is great being with her. Best thing that has ever happened to me.

Good luck to you man. Hope you get what you want :P

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Profile photo of thezango thezango (@thezango) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

Im in this situation, in fact, I’ve been in this situation for some time now (about a year) and I’m not going to stand by idly any longer. I’m going for it today, and I believe I’ve mentally prepared myself for whatever outcome I get (apart from a yes :P). In my opinion I’d say just go for it! Theres no use torturing yourself about it or putting it off, thats what disorders are made of, and I personally feel just coming out with it would be enough of a relief in itself regardless of her response.

The fact you have seen what has happened in her history does complicate things somewhat, but try to reverse the situation, if she told you she liked you, what kind of person would you have to be to not only tell her no, but let the friendship be ruined? I dont like to believe I’d be friends with someone who would let our friendship go to waste (she can break my heart, just leave the friendship alone!)

Anyways those are my reasons/rationalizations take it or leave it, but I believe that as long as you aren’t stagnating in the relationship your moving forwards for the right reasons.

Oh and hi, this is my first post after a while lurking, hopefully first of many :D -ZZZ

@anarchy Grats man, its success stories like this that are driving me at the moment

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Profile photo of AP_RESURRECTION AP_RESURRECTION (@AARISHPATELL) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

right now she clearly controls you – she gets massages bc she knows you want her

the only way you can get out of that is by establishing yourself and getting some respect – in the process, you may lose the friendship, so i think yo have to decide which is more important

but if you decide to go for it, then realize that you cant be her door stop – she cant be in control bc girls dont go for that kind of guy

you have to establish yourself as a successful and confident mate – otherwise she’ll pity and be friends when its convenient to her instead of being impressed and wanting you

there are lots of ways to do that, but thast the first part you need to fix – you’re in the friend zone where shes the boss and you’re the servant now, as far as it sounds, so i would work on that part first

the first thing to do is to not let her always be in control – take control by deciding when you meet up, showing confidence, talking about other things you’re doing, don’t hang on her every word, etc.

make yourself the more important and attractive person – then she will notice you in that way – people like what they cant have so easily

hope that helps, good luck

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Profile photo of kaysteady kaysteady (@stereofidelic) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

You may just want to be honest with her. It’s better than going through heartache and waiting for her to “get it.” Maybe get to the bottom of why she has not wanted to date her friends. Is there a specific reason?

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Profile photo of superk0011 superk0011 (@superk0011) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

I think from a young age a lot of girls are conditioned to believe that if a guy wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll make you his girlfriend. So, if that’s true, I agree that telling her (with confidence, I might add) might be the best way to go.

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Profile photo of Jaz Jaz (@jpixi) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@creds, …so what happened??

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Profile photo of creds creds (@creds) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@jpixi,

I’m deep in the friendzone still. However, currently I’m more at ease about being there, mostly because Ive realized I will never have the balls to do anything about it.

Thanks for asking!

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Profile photo of w.ace.a w.ace.a (@wacea) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

bro, I was in the EXACT same situation. My best friend. Last week I decided to grow balls and tell her. I rolled a joint, picked her up, took her to the boardwalk where we always chill, put on “Take care” by Drizzy and Rihanna cause thats our favorite song and I was like “K im gonna tell you something but promise it wont change our relationship.” She laughed and said “i promise” and I told her how I felt and she said, “oh… I didn’t see that coming. I think we should probably just be friends.” I agreed and we laughed about it and it was sooo good to get it off my chest and honestly my feelings for her faded right there. but the inevitable happened. She started acting weird and different. So I don’t know what to tell you bro, honestly I think its only cause you can’t get her that you really want her. You wanna be the dude that gets her while everyone couldn’t. But suck it up and forget it cause if she’s worth the friendship, dont ruin it. Plus, she’s probably the worst when in a relationship. You haven’t seen her “girlfriend” side and its probably annoying as balls

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Profile photo of Joseph Joseph (@joesfortune) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@creds, frankly speaking, I am confused with your problem. Do you want her to know that you love her or do you want to make love with her.

The two are not the same. The former is borne out of noble motives while the latter is purely carnal. While it is best to make love if there is some emotional attachment but i you can’t make up your mind what to do with yourself vis-a-vis with her, she could never make a decision in what to do with you.

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Profile photo of Filip Filip M (@filipek) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@creds, the advise that I can give you is that there is no universal, general advise for these kind of situations.

However, as already mentioned by some others, if you will never try, you will never no. You can better have a NO knowing that you have tried and regret the fact that she dissed you, rather than not having a NO (but neither a YES) and always living with the thought ‘what if’.

I can give you a couple of reasons why it is better to get a NO, rather than not getting anything.

First of all: you will finally know what the deal is, and you will not have to worry and keep asking yourself what if. Furthermore when you get a NO, yes your ego will get a hit, and on the short term it will probably be worse than it is right now, BUT on the long term you will: open yourself up for other possibile relationships, creating beautiful opportunities, YOU will learn how to approach people knowing that being rejected does NOT defy YOU as a PERSON. The fact that you get rejected, does not change anything about who you are in essence. You will still remain the same person, BUT with an experience in your life, which will help you going through possible future life events.
And did I already mentioned that by giving it a shot you have a possibility of getting a YES and by not doing anything you have a SOLID 100% NO. So your ego may not be hit when you do not try anything, but it verges so much of your energy, and it not only enhances your WORRIES and INSECURITIES by not doing anything, but you stagnate in your life development.

The only way to get over your fears is by accepting them, not fighting them and running away from them. What you are doing right now is exactly this: fighting your fears, trying to rationalize your actions by why you should not approach her, why ti is better to let it be as it is: BULLSSSSSSSSSHIT!! You are only fooling yourself mate.

I do not want to say that I regret my life choices from the past, because I am content with the way I am, no matter the life choices, everything makes you as it is, BUT those experiences made me to decide that NOW I want to do things differently. I have been in these situations as well, driven by fear of rejection and fear of n on acceptance, but you know what?

You are NOT afraid of being rejected no are you afraid of not being accepted by the other person. The problem is that you REJECT and you DO NOT accept yourself!!! You think that you are afraid of being rejected by the other person, but you are only building a wall against your own heart in this way!

“”because Ive realized I will never have the balls to do anything about it.””

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!! Stop fucking denigrating yourself mate! You DO have the balls, the problem is you THINK too much!

Let me help you: every time you encounter having certain uncertain/worrying thoughts about yourself and/or about what you should do: FOCUS on your BREATHING and what you FEEL inside your body. First focus on your breathing (this will take you away from your thoughts) and then simply try to be aware of what you feel.

Do you have a strange feeling in your stomach/bowels? Do you feel something in your heart or your lungs (lungs are usually connected with ‘sadness’, and they are in some way also connected with your bowels/stomach, so it is possible that you will feel some tension arisen in that area’s)?

Anyway, just focus on the feeling, this is the ONLY way to accept what you feel. When you are immersed in the riots of your fragmentary and discordant thoughts, you will only get lost within yourself and you will build more and more walls against your heart/feelings. This is NOT what you want.

Try it, give it a chance. Remember: not doing anything, is a 100% NO. Trying gives you at least some chance on a yes, whether it is only .000001%, it is still a possibility. Do not wait until the moment that death will arrive, because that moment can come anytime. Ask yourself this: if you would know that you die tomorrow, would you give it a shot to tell her about your feelings today? This is a SERIOUS question mate, you never know when death arrives.

Are you satisfied enough in your life, that you would not fight the fact that your death will come tomorrow? If not, what would you change?

Really, grab your shit together, stop thinking about it, and just do it. Call her, tell her you want to meet and talk and just tell her. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT think about what you will tell her. Wait until the moment will be there and you WILL KNOW what to tell her, once the moment arrives. Remember to FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING!!! This will help you, trust me!

Now go fucking DO IT! 120 days ago you opened this topic and nothing happened. You wasted 120 days in which you could tell her, do you want to wait 120 more days? NO YOU DO NOT!

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Profile photo of creds creds (@creds) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@thezango, how did it go, man?

@filipek, @superk0011, @manimal, + more, thanks for your replies. They are most helpful and wanted.

I very much like the idea of to just go with it, do what I like and LIVE. That is a very good life philosophy. However, it’s just too hard. Tonight we were on another “movie date”, which just couldn’t be more friendzoned. I thought to myself “just do it”, but moving my hand on to feeling her thigh was just too difficult, I couldn’t do it. It was just too weird.

Rational decision making
Worse case scenario: Lose her as a friend (No, she’s not gonna shoot me).
Most likely scenario: She will just overlook it. (aka. remove my hand from her thigh/hand and pretend nothing happened – completely losing any chances for the next… 3 years at least)
Best case scenario: Happily ever after

Just to make one thing clear to those not sure: I want us to go from just friends to being in a relationship.

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Profile photo of DANM!! DANM!! (@deej) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@creds, dude are you looking for some different kind of advice than what was already stated? Nothing is too hard but you can make it that way, I swear its just in your head and will be that way every day until you fight back or accept it. I’ll let you know another price of knowledge that my friend shared with me; When people imagine their future selfs doing something, a goal, like talking to a girl, it shows up in the part of the brain that “thinks” about other people. In other words you think of yourself as a different person AKA not yourself. It will never be easier until you do it an it will always feel Way more real and probably ‘hard’ when you are actually there. You have to decide for yourself if you want to have an answer or to be ‘safe’. That’s an easy question and once you answer it or act out your answer then you know what is more important for you.
Ps there are some really good responses here, dude you should read them again and try if you want apply it as if you we’re doing it now rather then imagining a future scenario. :)

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