Classic from friend to girlfriend dilemma
So, I have a really smoking hot friend. And she’s really awesome too, popular and all the stereotype hot, sexy, popular cool type girl. She has a lot of male friends, all of whom probably want to be with her. However I do consider me her best and closest male friend. And lately I’ve been thinking a lot about her (love wise), and it scares the shit out of me because I do not want to lose her. And no, “be honest and tell her what you feel, maybe she does the same for you, and worse thing that happen is a no”, is not going to work. Several previous incidents where her male friends have confessed their love to her, they’ve all been denied and she has had an awkward relationship with them ever since – I cannot risk that.
So, my question. Do you have any past experience, or suggestions, on how I can slowly seduce her? I’m already massaging her, but getting too close to her boobs and sensitive area is way off limits. Further I’ve considered “mere exposure effect”, and just let nature do its part, but even thats difficult. Gah, how to get out of this ridiculous friend zone without telling her/be too obvious?
Ps. I have no issue whatsoever to do a move on a girl as long as I consider it to be the best move.
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@creds, Freed man, I felt freed. It was only until after I told her that I realized how deeply trapped I felt. She was surprised and didnt say much (as it was 7 in the morning and we were about to go to sleep), so I assumed her feelings weren’t mirrored. However as I said, now I feel free to focus my efforts and move on, with the knowledge that she is a great friend that will stand at my side, with no barriers between us (apart from the more physical)
Admittedly I’m slightly dissappointed and I do confess I still like her, but now that shes not playing on my mind (as much) I’ve found that now I can identify with her more as a friend. Plus its a major confidence boost in just knowing I had the balls to put my ass on the line
@creds, Duuuuude. That’s no good, you’re only making it worse.
Here’s what my friend told me a long time ago when I was in the situation that you’re in:
“It’s like a fork in the road. A V shape. You being at the bottom of the V, the starting point, then you choose your path. One leads to the dreaded platonic nice guy friend zone, the other leads to love and hot sex. At first, you can switch from one path to the other with ease, no sweat dude. But the further you walk, the more the distance grows, the harder it becomes to get to the other path. The V is bent outwards too, the paths go further and further apart exponentially.
And this isn’t just about the current situation with you and this girl. No… this affects your behavior too, your future. For each time you decide to wimp out not take action, you manifest that action more and more in your head until it becomes a real habit, one that’s very hard to break. The more you do it, the more it sets. The resistance builds up. You’ll become more and more uncomfortable among girls, more and more awkward, more and more unable to relax, more and more lonely. Stifled and awkward.
And it’s not just about girls, it affects your interactions with all people, even yourself.
If you act instead, the opposite is true. You become more and more comfortable, confident, chill, sociable, free, awesome.
It’s like a fighting a rubber band. The harder you push, the more resistance you face, that’s your bitch ego. If you give up, you bounce back, you lose, you’re a bitch. But if you push until it breaks it’s gone forever and you’re a champion. You’re free, man.
It’s all about here and now. Fuck resistance, if you don’t push through it will only get harder. The sooner you act, the easier it will be, the less time and energy you will waste, the more time you’ll be having a great time.
So get your shit together man, cuz this is not how a sane man lives.”
I was smart and applied it, I got what I wanted. The guy is completely right.
You gotta take action right now. Stop making excuses, stop wimping out. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard, the only reason it’s hard is because you refuse to do anything about it. The longer you wait the worse it will get, THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.
And you know what? The most likely scenario is not what you think. The most likely scenario is that she appreciates it, and recognizes your courage and honesty.
Here’s the thing dude, when you’re feeling all nervous and shit around a girl, you’re making HER feel bad. When you feel free and good, SHE feels free and good.
The way you’re doing it now, you’re making her feel awkward, and like there’s something wrong with her because you’re not making a move on her. It’s not nice at all dude, you don’t do that to someone you love. And if you have any self-respect you don’t deny yourself what you want. She likes you, dude, she wants you to be free and awesome.
She wants you to be a man.
Be smart, be a man, cut the crap and just MAKE A MOVE. Drop that ego, dude, and all will be fine.
Worst case scenario is that you don’t get her. And you know what? That’s only temporary, you can get another chance, and another. It’s not gonna take 3 years, more like 2 weeks. Tops.
Hell, I’ve fucked up big time so many times, and a few of those times the girl called up later that night or the day after to apologize for rejecting me, even setting up a new date.
You never know, dude, things like that happen. And girls are very forgiving in general.
Plus, since you’ve been on these movie dates, there’s bound to be a bunch of tension built up, she might be feeling just like you feel. Sometimes all it takes is that little move and suddenly she’s all over you, that’s what this kind of tension does to people, especially to girls.
So, dude, be smart. Stop being weird and just MAKE A MOVE.
You’ll never regret it. It’s good for you in so many ways.
I have a question for you @manimal, if someone is going to break through the barrier and take the risk to do something that scares them. Isn’t their old habits going to still exist? I still get nervous to talk to girls or speak up even though I’m learning not to. Doesn’t that mean that I’m learning to do it wrong?
@birdflyinghigh, Awww, that’s too bad. Just get back on the horse, there’s plenty of guys/girls/what-you-wants out there.
@deej, Nah it just means the rubber band is still there, with some time it will be over. But the important thing is momentum, not stopping until you’re done. Or else you may have to do it all over again.
Action is what matters, even if you feel uncomfortable doing it you’re still doing it, and that changes how you feel about it over time. It forms a new habit once the ego catches on. Consistency is key.
@manimal, thanks that just clicked with me. So I guess that our feelings toward things change as you put it into a new environment. Like we learn to like new challenging environments or situations just by constantly being in them. Does mental preparation help much when trying new things that scare us or is it negligible compared with thought.
I’m starting to ‘think’ that thought is something to run to when I don’t want to take action. Well at least that’s my experience of it.
This man here offers wise advice.
This is what I’m going to explain once to you dude and only once and I’m sorry I’m gonna be hard on you because I wish someone told me this. Love and sex don’t follow logic, so why in the hell are you on here trying to reason with it? This is exactly what I use to do before I got girls is talk to all my buddies about it. Luckily they stopped giving a shit and I had no other choice but to act on those feelings. I then came to the realization that just so happened to be what those feelings are there for.
Let those feelings drive you nuts until you can’t handle them, make a move on her, go from there. It is 100% better to try and ask for forgiveness later than to not try at all. The stupidest things you could do for you is a. tell her you like her, trying to reason with unlogical emotions, and then get thrown in the friendzone, or b. not do anything about it and feel like shit every time a new dude comes around.
@creds, Dude, these kind of things (putting your hands on her leg) are things that you do when you go one first or second or third etc. date with somebody that you barely know. She is your best friend man! You gotta be honest about your feelings with her, you are at a point where these kind of ‘subtle’ things do not make any sense anymore whatsoever! She will not think that you are hitting on her, you really need to be honest and just tell her what you feel for her!
Furthermore I refer you back to my previous post
@deej, Yesss, this liking and disliking of the situation is all about one thing… comfort zone, learned behaviour. The ego wants to keep you where you are, where it thinks it’s safe. If you take charge, you can rewrite that shit.
Mental preparation is great, yes. But it kind of depends what you mean by mental preparation. The best mental preparation is to simply empty the mind, especially when dealing with the ladies, a fully present man is like crack to them.
Thought is often something to run to in order to hide from taking action, yes. Ego logic says that at least you’re not doing nothing, but you might as well be, because just thinking about something doesn’t accomplish anything.
Empty the mind, then go for the glory.
It’s a whole lot simpler and easier than people make it up to be.
I read everything on that thread and it’s very interesting how everyone complicates a simple relationship.
Well if the problem was a classic “friend to father of her child”, then it would have been complicated. No? I think yes.
thank you for your post! I’ve decided to go on the awesome path, that’s where I feel most comfortable. And that means that I also end up having to confess my feelings to this girl. This girl that is nothing more than just a girl, so I should be able to man up and go for it. You pointing on my cowardness in this situation, and compared it to the rest if my life made me realize that you’re absolutely right. There’s nothing in me that’s not capable of this, I’ve just made her too complicated somehow. Tuesday afternoon European time I will execute the confession. No porn until next year if I chicken out. But again, thanks for a great post.
@beyond, as you may have seen I used some aspects from your post as well. The way I’ve somehow complicated me and my friends relationship has only made It too difficult to grow in to love relationship. So thank you, I will try to have a more thought through perspective from now on, not making it too complicated. I think that might ease up, making it easier to tell her what I do feel. Anyway, thanks for your contribution.
@birdflyinghigh, haha I would love to do that !
Thanks everyone for contributing.
GO FOR HER.
If you are her best friend then she likes something about you. If she says no then move on and she’ll probably get jealous and want you when with another girl. If she will never want to be with you then you are wasting time that you could actually find someone right now. No matter what happens this is not likely the girl you will end up marrying or whatever you envision that special girl being so dont stress and go for it.
@creds, I was interested in a girl who was a friend of mine years ago.. but her sleeping around made me put her in the friend zone, no matter how much she inspired me. The thing is, once I told her that I’ll never date her because of how disgustingly stupid she is to not realize and look for people so she just shouldn’t feel empty, and that I drew inspiration from her, she kinda started hating me, hating herself. So basically that brings a lot of memories. By stupid I mean to hurt yourself over and over again so you can feel alive and delude yourself that’s all life is, being stupid.
@francina, It’s quite easy. The ego tells you that you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, while the only feelings you can really feel are yours, it’s also telling you that you’re so great that you can’t be with what you want only for yourself, it’s usually what you fear the other person won’t accept about you. If you really are not interested, why make it a problem?
@creds, No probs, mate. Good to hear that you got things sorted out, now just keep up that awesome and go GET HER, Tiger! :D
@deej, That depends on how much effort you put into it, how you do it, and how set your previous habit is. But generally you’ll start seeing small results within days, slightly bigger after about two weeks, around the one month mark you’ll start seeing some real change. That’s also when your ego has accepted your new behaviour as a viable habit, and starts following your lead. That’s the famous “hurdle” or “momentum switch.” The more consisten effort you put in, the faster it goes, the more breaks you take the more you get slowed down, etc.
Of course it won’t completely change things in a month, but it’s enough to crack things open and gain momentum. After that, you get increasingly less resistance. In a year you’ll have fully established a new set of habits, and your ego will now be reinforcing those, and giving you resistance when you try to do the “wrong” stuff that your old habits reinforced.