I’m not talking “I’m anxious this date won’t go well” type of anxiety.
I’m talking the type of anxiety that causes you to question whether you will ever be able to be in a relationship at all.
Long story short, I’m having a gentleman friend stay with me for a few days and I am petrified. I don’t know how to handle this, because typically I do not allow people (especially those of the opposite sex) close to me.
Any success stories out there, mind-numbing logic that will help me become okay with it, or just general notes of encouragement?
@clemonade, do you know this person at least fairly well? Do you trust them enough to have them stay with you? I find that a lot of people seem to think of all that can go wrong before they think of all that can go right. My guess is if you just keep doing whatever it is you were doing before that brought you two together, then you should have a fun time. Things only get weird when people decide to label things weird. It doesn’t have to happen at all.
@clemonade, Why don’t you allow them close to you? If someone hurt you or broke your trust you need to realize that not all people are the same. If this guy seems good, which he probably is, since youre letting him stay at your house for a few days, then just be nice and charming and yourself.
Being afraid before anything bad happens will just make you feel worse and then you’ll be more afraid. Gotta break out of the cycle sometime
@clemonade, see..dating and relationships are a sensitive issue because everyone..and I mean EVERYONE is different. What you need to do is very firstly be careful. Don’t judge him but..don’t trust him blindfold as of now. Try and know him you know? Get to understand each other..and DO NOT be petrified about relationships. Whatever happens, happens for the best. Things have happened with me that is..I can say that from experience :)
@clemonade, Hi my name is Adam. I hope the following will be of some help. You referred to him as a gentlemen friend. You did not tell us he was some guy or a friends friend, or some other random connection that does not bear nearly as much meaning than I believe a gentlemen friend does. You also old us you are petrified because he his staying with you for a few days. I imagine, since you typically do not allow people close to you (especially those of the opposite sex), and you told us that this person is a “gentlemen friend” It would seem that you trust him. And if you trust him you have no reason to be petrified. Maybe you it’s the fact that you like this fellow and since you have rarely found yourself in a situation such as this you find yourself worried that it may not go well, or that he will get the wrong impression of you. You also maybe have been weary of telling us you like him because that would have much more implications. But if you like him, I am sure he shares the interest for you in return. And so I would advise: Do not be petrified and do not be worried. Be excited! Too much worry and concern can leave you nervous and that will keep you from embracing who you really are. Be confident in who you are and your own judgement. Even if it does not go as you plan, if you BE YOU, then you can live with out regret, and know that at the end of the day you were being yourself and that can give you un-matched joy and confidence!
@clemonade, relax. there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being afraid of relationships. relationships can be scary, they can be weird, exhausting, stressfull … but over all they are experiences that help you to develop yourself.
i had to realize that i have borders of which i thought i could never step over … until i found someone for who i did so. and i’m glad i did, because this really changed my life in ways i could’ve never imagined.
also, life is a slow process … things most of the time don’t come over night and if you force them to come they will most likely not last long. i’d suggest you find someone who is very understanding (maybe your gentleman friend? :) ), a person you enjoy being with, and slowly open up towards that person. just get a lil bit closer every day, take a step back once or twice, if you’re overwhelmed, but don’t give up. things come if you let them come. don’t pressure yourself, don’t force yourself into a relationship, work positively on your dreams and they will come true (as did mine :) ).
i really wish you best of luck with everything that comes up in your life.
If anything do every what-if that crosses your mind the results will amaze you. think of this as a challenge and life is awesome with challenges and even better with them. I think more detail may be required since you don’t say you’re a date gone wrong anxiety than what type of anxiety are we supposably talking? Recently I went out of my confort zone and my day went from as you described petrified crazy scary to just simply amazing :D
@clemonade think of them as a friend first. friendship should always come before or during the intimacy process. the more you think of them as a “date” or possible “partner” the more freaked out you’ll get. so just think of them as a friend and have a good time with them! for real. i used to be freaked out about it too but the more i tried and thought of it as a relationship before i was even really friends with them the more i fucked up! so don’t do that. just be yourself and if it doesnt go well as FRIENDS it wont go well as partners. if all ends badly and you still want to go at it in the sheets go ahead! if not don’t give in lol
I really can’t thank you all enough for responding to me. Everything you said makes so much sense. I really appreciate your response @andropar, because it helped me realize that even if it doesn’t go well, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Everything is a learning experience, especially things that don’t work out the way we hope.
@theskafish, I liked your response, too, because obviously I’ve been doing something right up until this point, so it calms me down to think of it from that perspective. And you’re right. I should spend a little time thinking of what could go right.
Thank you guys again, so much. I really wanted some help and I got exactly what I needed!
To have loved and lost is better than not loving at all is a cliche line but true. If the pure reason you don’t want to love is because of fear, kill that instinct. Fear is poison and will lead to nothing but regret if you don’t even give love a chance. But thats just my opinion. Pain is temporary.
@clemonade, Oh shucks,
I thought when you said dating anxiety you meant you actually are dating anxiety cause i am everyday and he/she sucks a big fat one.
I mean waking up every morning and being scared to face the world, unable to get out of bed, Like a dark cloud is following me everywhere, full of fear thinking death is near.
Well it sucks being shackled and chained to this type of state of mind with little hope to find
and love to bind you to this thing we all call life.
Cause that shit is crazy no more time to pick out a daisy to give to my loving sister katey
Always keep your thoughts in check and everything will be fine. This above all I would say is the most important thing. Try not to think one thing and do another. Keep your thoughts, words and deeds in line.
The goal I believe of a relationship is for both people to bring out the best in the other person.
To be completely comfortable in each others presence. When you are comfortable with another person and are not trying to impress them, this leads to the maximum amount of confidence and 100% of your true self to come out.
It’s all a big spiritual puzzle I think to bring out the best in us. So just be your self.
I saw a movie recently called hit and run, in which the first scene opened with the main character trying to calm his girlfriend for a job interview. The saying was the following.
Charlie Bronson: Close ur eyes and take three deep breaths… This is the only moment you need to worry about. No yesterday. No tomorrow. Just right now. You’re not late for anything. You aren’t going to miss anything. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be & you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be. You’re absolutely perfect & whatever happens today is exactly whats supposed to happen & if you want, I’ll spend every moment with you for the rest of your life.
You are exactly where you’re supposed to be, you are exactly who you’re supposed to be. You are absolutely perfect, and whatever happens is exactly what’s supposed to happen.
@nakedape, I didn’t see this response until now but it is beautifully worded! Thank you for the quote.
I figured I would provide an update in case anyone stumbles across this thread again!
He visited this weekend and it was incredible. Everyone’s advice really did help me and I want to extend a sincere thank you to everyone who took the time to assist me. It was one of the best weekends of my life and I feel very grateful to the universe as well as a little proud of myself for conquering the anxiety.
Best of luck to all of you in your future endeavors!
@clemonade, think about past experiences that were similar in the way you were anticipating them (you were expecting it to be awkward, intrusive, embarrassing, too close for comfort or whatever you’re feeling) and have they turned out REALLY as bad as you thought?
If you’re gonna feed negative energy, its gonna cause issues. just relax and take it one moment at a time. simple shit.