I’m curious what the relationship and dating ‘dealbreakers’ are for those attempting to achieve enlightenment.
I was once dating someone who I’d gone to high school with, had known him for a long time so it was natural to be getting close, and one day we had a conversation about homosexuality. He argued firmly his stance that gay men are abominations, completely unnatural and yes he believed they were most likely going to hell (he was religious, surprisingly not the dealbreaker). I was willing to handle this confession because I knew his background, religious and from the hood where unfortunately homophobia is rampant, but then he asserted that he did not feel the same way about gay women, one of his main arguments was simply that it didn’t offend him to watch two women get it on because he found it attractive. I happen to be bisexual, something he was aware of, and this hypocrisy dumbfounded me so much that I never regained respect for him. He couldn’t understand why I was upset…. at all by it and he couldn’t understand why I was telling him his thinking didn’t make any sense, I tiptoed around the fact that I thought he was now a horrible and stupid christian who had no idea how to adhere to the ideology of his very own religion. To this day I’m impressed by the complete 180 my affections took. We chilled once after that situation and I felt like we had lost touch completely, nothing to talk about, kinda just stared straight ahead and enjoyed our blunt in his car then went on our ways.
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I’m not a fan of people who are stuck-up, “too good for you” stuff. No one is too good for anybody as long as we’re all still trying at least. Or when someone decides to be exclusive for its own sake trying to be “cool”, it doesn’t fool me. I find it rediculous that one should turn down an opportunity to warm up to someone and have fun in favor of adhering to a rediculous, self-imposed social order.
Homophobia would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Even if I didn’t necessarily want it to, I think it’d completely change my attraction to a person. I also dated a Christian for a short time, and had to censor myself to make sure I wouldn’t offend him. This was a turnoff in itself, not being able to fully explore certain topics. Conversation is the most important thing to me when it comes to connections…. so any subject or path of conversation being “off limits” would most likely end a more-than-friendly pursuit.
Smoking would be, but if that was the case I probably wouldn’t have made the deal in the first place. But it they began the habit after we were together, then yeah that’d end it pretty quick, or at least bring about a pretty big ultimatum. Me or the cigs.
Homophobia could be one… But I’d be OK if they were scared of gay people (like homophobia means). If they were angry and hated gay people, then no go. Too much aggression/negativity.
Hmmm….. Too much alcohol, that’d end it. Same as cigarettes.
Cheating could, but it would depend on the settings. Cheating as in going behind my back, game over. Cheating as in sleeping with someone else, maybe not game over. (I wrote a big post explaining my thoughts on this in another post, but no sense in posting it here. I know what I said is a bit confusing)
Too emotional would be another one.
I’m sure I could think of more, they’d slowly appear. But I’m not even sure how valid they would all be, these are just kind of ideas that appear. “Nope, don’t want that in a relationship. Not that either. Hmmm….. Nah not that too.” I wouldn’t be 100% of what a deal breaker was until it appears.
If I can’t completely spill all my theories, perspectives, ideas, hopes, fears, and questions to someone, and/or they cannot do that in return, I think that would be a dealbreaker. I need to be able to hold a meaningful or thought provoking conversation with someone, without fear of ridicule, or boring them. Also bad breath.
@tangledupinplaid21, It was a strange moment. It also made the rest of the long car ride quite awkward.
“Tell me something interesting about you that I dont know.”
“I dont know”
“There has to be something, some random event from back in middle school or something?”
“I really dont have anything.”
“Come on babe, just throw something out there.”
“I DONT HAVE ANYTHING!”
@bongodeburrito, God this reminds me of a text conversation with the guy I’m seeing now. I was joking about travelling to Costa Rica next week and never wanting to come back, it seemed to bum him out, just the joke of losing me to a foreign country so I asked him, if he could move to one place anywhere in the world, where would he choose. I don’t remember what he said but he didn’t address the question at all, he commented on something else. So….. I asked again. I said something to the effect of “Come on! Dream a little here. Just one place to call home for a year or two.” and again! he kind of kept the conversation going by not answering that question at allllllllll. It was so strange but we were texting and I couldn’t tell where his mood was at, if I had asked him a question that bothered him to consider, so odd. So I asked a third time cause there’s no way a thirty year old musician has dreamed of living in Fairfield County, Connecticut his whole life!!!
I then profusely apologized if my question had struck a nerve. He sent me a “lmao naw babe and no, i didn’t dream of fairfield county” and……. went on to never answer the question. Every part of me wanted to ask a frickin fourth time because it seemed so important to me that he just be capable of dreaming a little even if it was completely far fetched and naive.
Also brings to surface my fear that our age difference means we’re at different places in our lives. Me still dreaming of travelling and working around the world and him finding a woman to settle down with in good ol’ family friendly Fairfield County…..