Depression to a spiritual awakening.

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Satori (@stephaniekaitlyn)02.09.2012 at 11:26 pm

This is a long one. If you don’t feel like reading it all you can scroll to the question on the bottom. But if you’ve experience depression maybe this will help you share your story because I want to hear it.

I feel like I can be open about my life here. So I’ll share mine.

Depression for me started when I was 15. It was accompanied by teenage angst and rebellion of course but nevertheless it was still depression. When I was 14 I left my homeland, the Philippines, along with my siblings to live with our mother and stepfather in the United States. I struggled a bit with the transition the first year. But I somehow adapted to the American lifestyle quickly. However my relationship with my mother had gone to shambles and I began to develop hatred towards my stepfather. The constant fighting, screaming, bickering, etc. was enough to drive me insane. I began cutting myself. I felt so alone. Disconnected. Hated my life. Wished for a new one. One of the main roots of my depression.

Then I found a group of amazing friends who helped me stop cutting. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, changed my life and I had a tiny glimpse of happiness instantly hovered by another dreadful change. We had to move again. Loathed my entire family.. I became even more distant. My relationship with my mother worsened throughout the years. I graduated from high school. Around this time I was thirsty for something. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. It was an empty hole in my heart slowly eating through my insides. Yes, I was depressed. At this point it was major depression. I wanted to get out of it so desperately. But I didn’t know how.

So I fell in love instead. I thought it would make it happy. And it did for the meantime. He became my entire world. Everything revolved around him. He meant more to me than I did to myself. It was toxic, boy was it toxic. I was recklessly, perilously attached to him. To the point where I didn’t know how to live when he wasn’t around. I would just sleep in my bed. I wouldn’t hangout with my friends. Didn’t care about anything but him. Cried when I missed him and I was alone. Every time he came I dreaded when he would leave. I couldn’t live without him. I needed him. My depression was at its worst. I was borderline suicidal. So I moved out of my house and into the arms of a man who I valued more than life itself. It was an addicting love. When we were good we were extremely fantastic. We were bad we were horribly dangerous to each other. We brought out the best in each other.. but brought out more of the worst than the best. Constant fights, verbal (and some physical) abuse, threats… we were living in an illusionary world spiraling in and out of the borderline of love and insanity. Three years later.. two life-changing books later.. one morning I woke up and had an epiphany. It was like waking up from a deep slumber and everything prior to that moment had been a dream. My thoughts were saying "Stay! Don’t leave! You’ll never find anything better. Stay here! Be comfortable. He’s all you need. He’s all you need. You will never be happy without him." But something deeper and much more powerful inside me pushed all those thoughts away and told me that I needed to leave. "Find yourself."

So I left. Moved back in with my family. I rekindled my relationship with my mother. With my entire family. I was mostly in tears for a whole week (only a week surprisingly). Then my friend told me about the book, The Power of Now. I began to read it and didn’t let it go until I was done. A book that gave me clarity from the collective confusion I was experiencing. It was like a gift from the universe to me.. in over two hundred pages.. it defined everything that I had been going through my whole life. I became aware of my ego. That I had an inner self and it just finally woke up. Then I learned how to meditate. Practiced it a few times a day. Ever since then I have never felt depression.. not even for a second. That cloud constantly floating over my head disappeared into nothingness and was replaced by light. I started seeing everything clear. Like I was born again. The gray world I’ve lived in for years became vibrant and so full of life. I would no longer burst into tears out of depression.. I would cry out of this unexplainable heart pounding, body-tingling sensation of pure happiness out of nowhere. Chills all over my body. All it took was watching the sunset. Or a flock of birds. Or trees swaying. The waves of the Pacific Ocean glittering through the distance. Just being HERE. Being in THIS MOMENT. Not living in the past or future. But right here. Right now. It’s all we can ever have. This moment is all we can ever have. That’s all it took to ignite to fiery feeling of pure bliss inside of me.. Satori (my shoulder tattoo) is what I call it.. a glimpse of sudden enlightenment. Being in the knowing. Where inner spaciousness arises is it releases an influx of thoughts and emotions into nothingness. Replaced by waves of universal bliss. I will never be the same again. I am now awake. My journey has begun. I am following my bliss. And the universe is within us waiting to burst through our pores to coalesce with the rest of itself.

Who else has gone through depression-awakening? I’d love to read all about it. Even if it’s longer than mine. Even if it’s a novel. Share it<3

P.S. If you actually read everything I wrote thank you. Sending you light and love.

0 votes, posted 02.09.2012 at 11:26 pm
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Avatar of Sea Monkey
Sea Monkey (@seamonkey)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Thanks for sharing, Stephanie. That was a very inspirational story, i’m glad you sorted everything out.

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Dewi (@dewthedew)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Hey @Stephanie! You have a beautiful story.

I’ve struggled with depression a lot this year. I’m pretty well known for being a happy upbeat kid so this was strange- but it was a result of a traumatic and intense summer, non-stop fall, and the hormones in the birth control I’d begun to take to prevent the ovarian cysts I’d developed. I’m incredibly blessed to have a great support system of friends that helped me (though many of them had no idea, and still don’t that I’ve struggled with this). I’m even more blessed to have a best friend who was been with me through every step of this, listening, talking, and not taking the defeatism I was feeling as an answer. @Morro isn’t particularly good at taking compliments, but without him this year would have been radically different.

In part due to him, in part due to meditation (though it did make things worse for a bit), and in part due to acupuncture that I’ve just begun, as well as a kind of full body revolution that’s happening along with that, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while. Today I read the Law of Attraction, and tomorrow morning between classes I’m gonna go find Power of Now in the library. So many people have raved about it, it’s time I figure it out. ;)

I know the experience has made me a better person, and I know that the journey isn’t over (it never quite is) but it’s gonna be a good year. It’s definitely given me a greater appreciation for the daily struggles that we will never see others going through, and a greater sensitivity.

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Avatar of Kevin
Kevin (@placid)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Would you recommend The perks of being a wallflower? I’ve always wanted to read it because i’ve always considered myself to be a wallflower.
” It’s all we can ever have. This moment is all we can ever have.” I started singing All we have is now by the flaming lips.

I have no depression story to tell but I don’t have that happiness either. My entire life has been indifferent.

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Avatar of Daniel
Daniel (@qwuakeup)2 years, 2 months ago ago

I enjoyed that story, thanks for sharing.

Your duality is what makes the highs so high and the lows so low, I am the same. It’s what keeps this ‘ride’ exciting.

“The flower of consciousness needs the mud out of which it grows.” – Eckhart Tolle

“The thicker and deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms.”

Your mud is rich and full of nutrients, your consciousness will grow beautifully.

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Avatar of Dewi
Dewi (@dewthedew)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Stephanie, you have a beautiful story. I’m actually headed to the library today to get the Power of Now- too many people have been raving about it for me to ignore! I just read Law of Attraction yesterday and loved it.

I’ve struggled with depression in the last few months, as well. I’m relatively well known for being a happy upbeat kid, and very few people around campus know what I’ve struggled with. After an intense, traumatic summer of deaths of people close to me (they always come in threes don’t they?), of shocking news from friends, a work harder party harder work style, and some scary medical issues, only to then be thrown back into school where I made the mistake of overloading my course load, and then to be prescribed birth control which had harsh side effects….I was done-zo haha. But even after I had calmed down, the depression didn’t go away. I’ve been incredibly blessed to have an incredible support system (many of whom didn’t/still don’t know I’ve struggled with it). I’m even more blessed to have a best friend who has been there with me through every step of the way and who has refused to take my defeatism as an answer. @Morro isn’t particularly good at taking compliments, but without him this last year would have been radically different.

In part due to him, in part to meditation (though it made things worse for a bit), and in part due to the acupuncture I’ve just begun that’s going to include a kind of whole body cleanup, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while. I have hope going forward, and for the first time in a while I’m excited to tackle what’s coming. The experience has made me a stronger person, but more importantly it’s made me more sensitive to the inner battle of every individual, and has given me a greater sense of compassion as a result. I very much feel with that quote @Daniel – “The flower of consciousness needs the mud out of which it grows.”

And naturally, the HE community has an incredible uplifting influence as well. ;)

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Avatar of Dewi
Dewi (@dewthedew)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Stephanie, you have a beautiful story. I’m actually headed to the library today to get the Power of Now- too many people have been raving about it for me to ignore! I just read Law of Attraction yesterday and loved it.

I’ve struggled with depression in the last few months, as well. I’m relatively well known for being a happy upbeat kid, and very few people around campus know what I’ve struggled with. After an intense, traumatic summer of deaths of people close to me (they always come in threes don’t they?), of shocking news from friends, a work harder party harder work style, and some scary medical issues, only to then be thrown back into school where I made the mistake of overloading my course load, and then to be prescribed birth control which had harsh side effects….I was done-zo haha. But even after I had calmed down, the depression didn’t go away. I’ve been incredibly blessed to have an incredible support system (many of whom didn’t/still don’t know I’ve struggled with it). I’m even more blessed to have a best friend who has been there with me through every step of the way and who has refused to take my defeatism as an answer. @Morro isn’t particularly good at taking compliments, but without him this last year would have been radically different.

In part due to him, in part to meditation (though it made things worse for a bit), and in part due to the acupuncture I’ve just begun that’s going to include a kind of whole body cleanup, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while. I have hope going forward, and for the first time in a while I’m excited to tackle what’s coming. The experience has made me a stronger person, but more importantly it’s made me more sensitive to the inner battle of every individual, and has given me a greater sense of compassion as a result. I very much feel with that quote @Daniel – “The flower of consciousness needs the mud out of which it grows.”

And naturally, the HE community has an incredible uplifting influence as well. ;)

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Avatar of Andrew Morrison
Andrew Morrison (@morro)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Stephanie, that is one of the most amazing stories that I have ever read, you have a beautiful way of telling it, a sort of no-holds-barred attitude which really brings out the realness (is that a word?) of your particular situation, and give hope to those who read it who think they have none. I realize it must have taken a lot of courage for you to pour your heart out like that over the internet, and for that I absolutely commend and thank you.

Fortunately for myself, I also have no depression story to tell, but I understand completely what @Kevin is saying, when he says that his life has been indifferent. Although I have found many different areas of interest in my life (sports, schoolwork for a while, friends, family etc.), I am unable to maintain any sense of wonder with what many of my endeavors, but hopefully that will come. It seems for me that most of the time I can inspire others to some little degree, but maintain none of that inspiration for myself.

@Dewi – I know how much it took for you to say that, in part because spilling any part of your heart over the internet, even in a forum like this, is difficult, and in part because I have been with you every step of the way, and had to do my very best to get you to tell me some of this which you are now sharing.

So thank you to all who wrote/will write/read this, and although I did not have much to offer, I thank you for what you have written. You are all amazing human beings.

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Avatar of luigi
luigi (@luigiblue)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Great story, I’m sure everyone here can relate to it one way or another. I think depression and a spiritual awakening kind of go hand in hand, no? I suffered from depression for over 5 years, it still comes up once and a while but I now have the tools to control it. It’s the reason I first came to this site, I needed to change, I needed to dig deep and search for that inner awakening. This site helped me do that.

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Avatar of Satori
Satori (@stephaniekaitlyn)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Sea Monkey: Thank you I’m glad you liked it :)

@Kevin: Yes I’d definitely recommend it.. it’s kind of a dark book.. but ultimately.. it’s beautiful. The reason why I loved it so much is because I related to it. Especially in the parts where they described infinite moments.. because I couldn’t find the perfect word to describe those type of moments until I read that book. Moments where you feel alive in the moment and in pure happiness and bliss (which is also what I call Satori moments).

@Daniel: “Your mud is rich and full of nutrients, your consciousness will grow beautifully.” Thank you so much for this. It’s one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

@Dewi: Thank you for sharing your story. I feel connected to you. Despite the darkness I’m really happy that you see the beauty in it. The light. Awakening is only the beginning. Bliss will come to you in endless waves and forms. Sending you good vibes<3

@Andrew: Thank you so much for the kind words. I believe that your time of inspiration of come. We all have it waiting for us. It’s up to our souls to decide when we’re ready to let it rush in.

@Luigi: Yes it does. In a way depression for me was a gift. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been as strong as I am now. And although I still have some weak moments.. I try to live in the now as much as possible. And meditate. And it puts me in balance again. Once you’ve awakened you can never go back to sleep. I embrace all of the adversities I’ve gone through despite all the pain. I feel so alive now.

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Anonymous (@)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Awesome read. To know happiness you have to know sadness, there’s no avoiding all situations you don’t want to deal with. Embracing and studying your sadness will define and shape who you wish to become. It’ll show you all sides to who you are. I’ve been in a similar spot in life, I think as we both sit right now we can look back and see the clouds of confusion just passed by us but have to always use it as a reminder of how bad we can let the storm be.

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Avatar of Jason
Jason (@thinknowlivenow)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Stephanie; your story resonates deeply with me. I am happy that you have come to recognize the present moment to be of the highest importance.

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Avatar of Greg Crossfield
Greg Crossfield (@gcrossfield)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Great story stephanie! I’ve been in and out of depression-awakening states for the past few years and can resonate to some of what you’ve said, especially the parts about The Power of Now. Such a great book.

For myself, I find that I dig myself in to holes of dark more often than I’d like and even though getting out of them is not that difficult for me, I find myself in that spot more than I’d like. Even though I hit these dark spots, I still consider myself a happy person. Just a moody person. Lol. It all comes in short cycles for me and one of these days I’m going to consciously say no to the darkness. Meditation helps soooo much.

I know I’m not alone to say that I have experienced moments of extreme emotion on both sides of the spectrum, and know that those moments will come again. Can’t wait to soak it all in.

Many thanks to site’s and groups like this and genuine honesty from people like you. It has the power to spark that truth and honesty in all of us.

Love and Light

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Avatar of Satori
Satori (@stephaniekaitlyn)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Definitely agree with you. I’m a happy person now.. no depression at all and I don’t really get so sad anymore.. unless someone does something hurtful towards me but I control it, accept it, and let it go. Lately though I’ve been really moody when work gets stressful (I work for a very busy drive-thru Starbucks and it gets really irritating especially when you deal with pretentious, petty, selfish customers half the time).. then when I leave work the second I go outside and take a breath of fresh air I feel balanced again. It’s all about being in the moment as much as possible. No past. No future. Just this moment.

Thank you for your lovely words Greg<3

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Avatar of Kate
Kate (@gobbledigook)2 years, 2 months ago ago

I really enjoyed reading this, Stephanie, and can relate to it pretty well (I even bookmarked it so I could come back to it!). It’s refreshing to know you were able to come out of your deep-rooted depression like I did, because not a lot of people can-more so, a lot of people don’t allow themselves to. @Daniel, I agree completely with your Eckart Tolle quote, it’s one of my favorites. I don’t think you can have that “chills all over my body” happiness until you experience a horrible depression.

“I would cry out of this unexplainable heart pounding, body-tingling sensation of pure happiness out of nowhere.”
^ love that :)

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Avatar of CosmicLemonade
CosmicLemonade (@cosmiclemonade)2 years, 2 months ago ago

Very cool. I’m so glad you could overcome your depression! I had a girlfriend that was attached to me in the say way you were. The best solution I could come up with was to just let her go. Its not right to let someone get so attached to you that your the only thing that can make them happy. Its more loving to let them go their own way.

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Avatar of Satori
Satori (@stephaniekaitlyn)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Kate: Thank you that’s so great! The truth this… anyone can do it. They just need to find the strength and courage deeply rooted within their souls.

@Aaron: You’re right. That’s very true.. it’s the best thing you can do. I hope that wherever she is she’s happy now too. My boyfriend was trying to let me go in the beginning but I wouldn’t let him. Then a couple years later I was the one who finally let go. And deep down I know he’d been waiting for me to let him go too. I’m glad we both did. Thank you for reading this Aaron :)

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Avatar of minnie
minnie (@minnie)2 years, 2 months ago ago

I can totally relate to this right now. I have been struggling with depression for a few months now. I recently dropped out from the university because I felt that I am not growing in the course that I am studying and I can’t see myself with that profession in the future. But boy, that was really painful for me because that was my dream university and it’s a privilege to study there especially I’m the first one in the whole clan to even study there. So just imagine how my relatives mocked me after dropping out. It was really painful especially that I felt that I have let my parents down. I cried everyday. But one day, I stumbled upon watching a documentary about suicide. Most people there suffered depression and just decided to end their life. I was shocked and I told myself never to be like them. I don’t want to die sad or cause trouble with my family by dying that way. If ever I die, I wanted to die happy and fulfilled with my life. I can’t see myself facing God and know that I have wasted my life. So from there, I started to look for ways to lessen/eradicate depression in my life. I watched a ton of feel good movies(like eat, pray love and 3 idiots :)) ) , read blogs like these and meditate. I can’t say that I have fully recovered since there are still moments that i find myself in the hole of darkness every now and then. But I’m fighting and I will keep on fighting. Your story is an inspiration :)

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Avatar of James
James (@alljuicedup)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Andrew

“It seems for me that most of the time I can inspire others to some little degree, but maintain none of that inspiration for myself.”

This resonates w/ me a lot… perhaps your inspiration IS inspiring others.

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Avatar of Benny
Benny (@benny)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Stephanie

Your story has really inspired me to change my ways and really get into meditation. I mean it makes me feel lighter and it just works! I mean literally last week ago I could be described perfectly by your third paragraph : / but things are looking up now and I’m looking to get back into school and do some volunteer work :D

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Avatar of Satori
Satori (@stephaniekaitlyn)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Minnie: Wow I’m so happy for you! When it came to my depression I didn’t care about anything. How anyone would feel if I killed yourself, how it would affect my family and friends… my boyfriend at the time. I just wanted him to always be there and thought if he left me I’d kill myself. It was really sad because I really didn’t think I would live a full life. Because I was so pessimistic about everything.. waiting for the worst to come.. I knew when it did I would just end everything. That one day it’ll be all over. Because I didn’t have to strength to deal with anything. But it’s crazy thinking about it now that I’m the complete opposite. That morning you “awaken”. It’s unfathomable. Your obviously the same person but it’s like.. you’re observing yourself. Because you’re finally conscious that you have an inner self. It’s incredible. I have never valued life so much. I feel so connected to everything and everyone. And despite some of my moody moments I feel the love for everything and everyone. I’ve never felt so free. Every human spirit has it within them.. they just need to come to that realization. Eat, Pray, Love the movie is awesome but have you read the book? It’s wayyyyyy better. Also read The Power of Now! I recommend this book to everyone. You will absolutely love it. Meditate! Always be PRESENT. In this moment. I’m really happy for you and you’re an inspiration as well :)

@Caleb: Thank you so much for reading it :)

@Benny: Wow that is so beautiful! I’m so happy for you! You should also read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Have a lovely day!

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Avatar of Satori
Satori (@stephaniekaitlyn)2 years, 2 months ago ago

@Kirk “To know happiness you have to know sadness, there’s no avoiding all situations you don’t want to deal with. Embracing and studying your sadness will define and shape who you wish to become. It’ll show you all sides to who you are. I’ve been in a similar spot in life, I think as we both sit right now we can look back and see the clouds of confusion just passed by us but have to always use it as a reminder of how bad we can let the storm be.” I have a quote book and this is going in it! Beautiful words. Thank you sir :)

@Jason: Thank you so much! I’m glad you can relate <3

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Avatar of Satori
Satori (@stephaniekaitlyn)2 years, 1 month ago ago

@Kirk “To know happiness you have to know sadness, there’s no avoiding all situations you don’t want to deal with. Embracing and studying your sadness will define and shape who you wish to become. It’ll show you all sides to who you are. I’ve been in a similar spot in life, I think as we both sit right now we can look back and see the clouds of confusion just passed by us but have to always use it as a reminder of how bad we can let the storm be.” I have a quote book and this is going in it! Beautiful words. Thank you sir :)

@Jason: Thank you so much! I’m glad you can relate <3

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