Hi, i want to tell you guys a little about my childhood and what im going through today. Me my dad, my mom, and my older brother moved to the states about 6/7 years ago. I had a rough childhood growing up as my dad was famous for being angry and always trying to prove everyone he is the man, yet not having any real friends around, and my mom certainly always getting beat up by my dad and never leaving the relationship. My older brother was a trouble maker and attention seeker. yet i was always on my own and tried my best to get less involved of their drama.
We moved here from Iran but it was certainly a big change for us. the laws were different so was the ball game. my parents couldn’t force me to do things their way anymore even tho it came at a costly price. i got involved in drugs and alcohol, and messed up in school big time, so my mom decided to send me to live with my uncles house to attend a better school even tho my uncle is a crazy guy himself. i lived with him for 2 years and came back as my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. she passed away a year later and so far ive been living on my own. i dont wanna go in details about my dad and my brother, but certainly my childhood has effected how i manage social interactions. i quit from 3 jobs since im not happy with who i am and always trying to seek it from other people. but lately i had somewhat of an spiritual awakening. i know now that im not who i thought i was and the circumstances really effected my self image. i am trying to change to be more emotionally stable, more independent and not grow up ignorant as my parents. I dont want my ego ruling my life and im succeeding to change some aspects of my self/ world perception. I dont drink or anything anymore. but yet im still having difficulty with people and when im not feeling good about my self i tend to let people run all over me then get mad at them for doing so. It is effecting my jobs as well as where im currently staying. i cant manage to move once more and this is really bothering me. Im 19 and need help, i’ve been alone trying to help my self by reading and it has been really helpful but at times the egoistic mentality comes back and im losing hope. I really hope i can break free from the shields of ignorance and see the truth for what it really is. but time after time looking at the painful truth is hurting me and wearing me down. Idk what else to do, I hate losing control of a situation and i hate to be angry about it. i want to know who i truly am and live a free life.
dude im so close man, im so close to getting a hold of my egotistic life. i consider myself ill ego and it took me through some horrible stages of anxiety and depression, then i had a stage of pure consciousness which slowly faded away. i try to meditate everyday and it is helping but there are times when i meet obstacles such as dealing with others and their belief on me really influences what i think of my self, i need to get rid of that in order to see progress in my self image…etc. ive been analyzing my childhood in detail and it all comes from my parents not giving me much attention that is causing me to feel less important. I feel dumb talking about it in public but you know idk what else to do.
thank you, it just hurts me since i already know and i keep going back to that egotistic mentality, i see improvement yet i still come around similar obstacles that at one point start controlling me, then i start hating on people to make my self right even tho i already know it is me not them
@sesarman, Power of now by eckhart is a good book. Read the tao te Ching. And from what you are saying you still are identitying with your thoughts a lot, practice meditation more until you can live at that state of mind all day. You are not your past experiences or the thoughts on how you see yourself. You are much, much deeper then that.
is it possible that maybe you become so close and get dragged away. i feel in touch but i always worry when the ego sneaks in once again…i want you to know that i feel much better and trying all you guys’s methods, and zowie thanks, imma try that right now
i hope i stay in such peace and clarity_ again, thank you guys, you are so much help
The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are -Alan Watts
I will recommend this book and any of his lectures to anyone new to the path. I would listen to him first, as much as you want or can! There are plenty of vids on youtube, i just pop in some ear buds and relax and listen. Alan gives a very clear and well developed understanding/ reasonings, and he is very colorful with his words, there are even jokes (:
Check out alan watts, you wont regret it!
Try and find something you love man. When you get that spark of appreciation that lights up your day, follow it! I fully believe that the people that experience life in a way which provokes the deepest and hardest emotions to face like anxiety, depression or raw anger have a basis of comparison that when realised allows them to appreciate and love there life in a way that surpasses the people who have had it easy. I know how those emotions feel like the anchors that will one day cause a shipwreck, but I promise you that not the case. Those emotions are a part of you, once you accept that, every time they resurface into your mind, when you feel the heat of your past, just interpret that feeling as the reason that your life is beautiful. How can you ever be happy if you’ve never experienced true sadness? Life would be EMPTY without the downs, cause the downs are what define the ups. Your awake now, you’ve turned your gaze inwards and are looking for something. I promise you the day that you find what your looking for every tribulation, horror and nightmare of your past you have ever experienced will be well well worth it. Meditate and find that place in your mind!
One of the best :would be you find what the most you like in life to be; then create knowledge about it ,and start to love yourself for what you real know. Keep create more knowledge using your past, god or bad to idealized why was so bad and why his now so good. Knowledge continues to be a strong weapon to defend yourself: but when you discovery what you know not many people know; you must use just for yourself, similar to be a writer and only express yourself in the book, for everybody to know your capacity in life. Goals have been the most important for any Human being: and whatever you passed in your past life in bat terms; you just doing like you did, but in the positive side, never get hurt anymore, because our past life gone, only memories to be use has a purposed of defense of not going to happened again. Many people did suffer like you did; or even worse, then look forward and find what may like to be happy, sometimes you may find a girl friend that not just love you, but cooperated with you to make what you want in life. You need to believe in your knowledge: and using for yourself; but many people worse than your past came successful in life. Madonna was one she was a bummed type a person: but have had a nice body; she was involved in many things which nobody concerned, than she made a nude book with sexual cines, was so successful in money and she came famers, to the point even singing she start doing, and today she his rich and famous. 25/09/12! By A.Oscar
@sesarman, Good for you for taking action to break the cycle of ignorance and abusiveness that seems so predominant in the human race. It takes a lot of insight and maturity to come to the conclusion “I do not want to follow this path”.
A book that provided a lot of interesting ideas for me way Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. It allowed me to appreciate small things in life and I feel has ultimately helped me to become a happier person.
One example that still stands out to me is the idea of being outside, and then a bird poops on you. He states that you shouldn’t be upset with this, rather you should be appreciative of tens of thousands of times you have been outside and a bird has *not* pooped on you, how lucky you have been to have been avoiding that fate and beating those odds for so long.
Anyhow, I wish you luck on your journey. I’m sure everyone here on HE will be nothing but supportive of you throughout it.
@sesarman, Honey, I feel your pain. My father is Lebanese/Iranian and also a narcissist. My biggest struggle is, how do I find the balance between giving and taking? I’m either taking advantage or I’m being trampled on. I’m so sorry about your mother. I can’t imagine the pain. You don’t have to be your parents, as much as they tell you that you do. It’s a constant struggle for me, but I can definitely see improvement in myself with meditation and accepting humanity with all of its flaws. It’s hard not to compare yourself to others… If you ever need to talk to someone from a similar background, please message me. Maybe we can help each other!
@epartee, imma check out that book, im currently reading a bunch so i hope they help, it has really become clear for me which path to take, it is only a matter of motivation, as some days/ weeks im so motivated to move forward in that path, yet sometimes i find myself questioning the path im following even tho with all my experience i know it is the one and only right path to follow, i guess its just all the mind fuck philosophies about it that really makes it sound crazy @mcelsadr, you know all i can say is thanks, im really confused at this point, its really a journey of enlightenment/ confusion at times, ever since my awakening i feel like i have 2 personalities, one is my enlightened true essence, another is my ego and there is in between, its frustrating when you forget who you are, and still dont want to go back to that egotistic life. im really trying to make sense of both sides, i really like to hear your story, if you dont mind sharing @aoscar, writing is really helping me bring my thoughts and organizing them, i’ve been writing a lot ever since my journey began, and my plan is to write it into a book, i have all my thoughts documented on my computer for one day i shall take the time and put them together, when im fully enlightened (if) thanks for all the great advice guys