ego vs. the true reality
Hi, i want to tell you guys a little about my childhood and what im going through today. Me my dad, my mom, and my older brother moved to the states about 6/7 years ago. I had a rough childhood growing up as my dad was famous for being angry and always trying to prove everyone he is the man, yet not having any real friends around, and my mom certainly always getting beat up by my dad and never leaving the relationship. My older brother was a trouble maker and attention seeker. yet i was always on my own and tried my best to get less involved of their drama.
We moved here from Iran but it was certainly a big change for us. the laws were different so was the ball game. my parents couldn’t force me to do things their way anymore even tho it came at a costly price. i got involved in drugs and alcohol, and messed up in school big time, so my mom decided to send me to live with my uncles house to attend a better school even tho my uncle is a crazy guy himself. i lived with him for 2 years and came back as my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. she passed away a year later and so far ive been living on my own. i dont wanna go in details about my dad and my brother, but certainly my childhood has effected how i manage social interactions. i quit from 3 jobs since im not happy with who i am and always trying to seek it from other people. but lately i had somewhat of an spiritual awakening. i know now that im not who i thought i was and the circumstances really effected my self image. i am trying to change to be more emotionally stable, more independent and not grow up ignorant as my parents. I dont want my ego ruling my life and im succeeding to change some aspects of my self/ world perception. I dont drink or anything anymore. but yet im still having difficulty with people and when im not feeling good about my self i tend to let people run all over me then get mad at them for doing so. It is effecting my jobs as well as where im currently staying. i cant manage to move once more and this is really bothering me. Im 19 and need help, i’ve been alone trying to help my self by reading and it has been really helpful but at times the egoistic mentality comes back and im losing hope. I really hope i can break free from the shields of ignorance and see the truth for what it really is. but time after time looking at the painful truth is hurting me and wearing me down. Idk what else to do, I hate losing control of a situation and i hate to be angry about it. i want to know who i truly am and live a free life.
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