before I ramble on & tell you my whole life story. I have a serious question.
Does or has any one felt such a high level of disgust for their entire family that you want to legitimately disown yourself from them? Including mother, father ect….?
I have a huge Spanish family so no, not my entire family, but boy is it a rude awakening when you start to learn the secrets, the shame, all that real shit. My parents were divorced when I was young and I always considered my father to be this super hero (he literally showed up to my 7th birthday party in full Batman gear). When I grew up and my mom thought I could handle the truth, he was a chronic cheater and my moms kinda the bomb so it’s doubley fucked up, I had to fight to consider how he was MY father and only my mothers ex and he had certainly never intended to do wrong by me. Thats the tip of the iceberg on the family shit I’ve learned over the years. Never forget that you are nothing without a very long and very specific progression of family, love them or disown them, they are still yours forever. I hope you find peace with them but if not, we can’t all be perfect and sometimes distance is a blessing.
@jesus, Whoa. I feel for you brother.
I have had a lot of ridiculous crap happen with my family, especially during my parents divorce, but all in all I just roll with the punches. Going to college really eased what tensions were there.
Yes. I am only 18 and I moved out of home when I was 16. My mother has messed up morals, unfair expectations, and fucked up respect. She cares for nothing but herself. And perhaps, the husband she would have at the time. Now that I am 18, it doesn’t matter that much. Still, I’m crushed, all I want is a family.
You need to grow the fuck up. Being ungrateful is something that really messes up your whole fucking life. You provoke it, your family backfires on you, that’s just what “normal family” means these days. Restrain your fucking emotions and try to make your life better. Get the fuck out if you need to, you didn’t chose your family, stop looking for something that even you cannot achieve, accept it and try to make others accept it too. It is hard, but you have a very good reason to do it.
@beyond, Jeez your response at first sort of turned me off to reading the rest, but I am glad I did. I agree with you I must continue to get over it. I’ve been through counseling and a lot of soul searching and I know that I what I must do is get away and stay away.
I’m simply a little confused. I too come from a huge family. I am one of 8 children. My whole family is abusive and honestly scummy. It’s quite distasteful. Up until now I’ve believed family is family and that’s all that matters. I have gone through a lot of self improvement to become different than them and it just seems that when they are around or I am around them it sets me a few steps backwards in myself.
I can’t fathom how disposing your family from your life could be the correct solution. But I am starting my own family now and I want my daughter no where near my family.
Any comments? Any information that you deem helpful or relevant?
@hhhkelly, I have a great relationship with my family right now, but have had some major struggles along the way. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with your family, it’s not fun at all.
If a family member is so out of control that you feel the need to disown them, do it! Maybe then they will take a step back and realize how fucked up their actions have been. This realization may come soon for them, but it may never come. Everyone is different. Things will work out for the best, just keep being your awesome self, that’s all you can do!
Try not fear not having a family to call your own. There are so many awesome families out there with open arms that would be willing to accept you as their own, it just takes time.
@hhhkelly, “Up until now I’ve believed family is family and that’s all that matters.”
That is the approach that MY FAMILY takes towards each other.
Except they use it as an excuse to keep on treating each other like shit and pretending the problems arent there and that everything is ‘normal’.
In a situation where nothing is allowed to matter because its under a untouchable umbrella like ‘family’, is doomed to fuck anyone over who lets it.
If youre not scummy like the rest of them, get the fuck out while you can. Cut your losses.
As far as ‘always wanting a family’ you just need to broaden your horizons. Whatever youre looking for you can find it somewhere else with people who arent just in it to abuse you. You can do better than family when family thinks theyre better than you.
@mjayne, “Except they use it as an excuse to keep on treating each other like shit and pretending the problems arent there and that everything is ‘normal’.”
EXACTLY! WOW. Thank you.
Yeah as I’m told, my own grandmother was asking people “what the fuck is Heather going to counseling for?”
I’m sorry but abuse is not okay and should NEVER be okay! Even slight emotional abuse. My whole life has been a HUGE lie, and I guess I was just upset that I can’t get that time back, but I’m gonna just be awesome instead :)
Anybody else have any other suggestions in taking a respectful ‘awesome’ approach at disowning family. for some crazy reason I still care about their feelings and want them to understand the space I am forced to take, if that’s forever.
Fuck. That’s heavy.
For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry you had to go through that.
I was going to write a different reply but, you know, it’s not so bad.
They’re just people with weaknesses and problems like everyone else. It could be better and hopefully it will. My father and I don’t really talk about anything important and I have felt that he wasn’t very interested in me once I stopped being a little child that was easy to entertain and didn’t see his fallibility but…there’s room for improvement. I think. It won’t be done through talking, though. That much I know.
All I could say it to gain as much independence and autonomy as you possibly can before burning any bridges. If you need them at all then it isn’t the time to make drastic moves…for the sake of your own sanity. Get your shit tight and then their influence will either naturally diminish or you will be able to stand firm by whatever decision you choose to make.
@hhhkelly, Most people are prone to some type of psychological error in all facets of their life. In some cases they might not ever see the negatively and reckless behavior they impose, but that is their problem. I don’t advise you to communicate to the disgust or what negative feelings have you toward them, as that defeats the purpose of you now understanding the relationship. The acts committed towards you were perhaps deliberate, meaning they mean’t every action, if not then they were non deliberate; something you could not logically explain to them due to their nature of behaving.
Reason has it’s space, but it’s not for expending helplessness to the same people who affected you. In your particular situation, I think you should only take responsibility of your own life, and those who you care for in it. If you have matters that need resolve to end or nurture relationships with selected family members that you want to keep in your life, do that. But don’t extend yourself to those who will not reciprocate those emotional bonds of family. That is a waste of love and time.
Moving on with your own life would be a good step in the right direction.
@hhhkelly, Youre welcome.
Not to sound cheap and gross but you know how they say the best way to get over a break up is a rebound? That.
Not to replace your family. -But you have a hole that youre trying to shove family in and every time you try to jam a square peg in a round whole you rip it all to shreds and make it hurt more because it doesnt work. Until the mangled hole can heal up youre going to feel kind of like hell. Its way easier and feels much better in the meantime to find something ‘for now’ that fills whatever needs youve got going on. If you dont feel wanted, find somewhere that makes you feel important. If you want company, find people who make you feel good to be around them. If you just need something to do because you need to break the habit of falling back on family then do something big and different that youve always wanted to do and dedicate your time to shit thats wicked.
At first everything will stick suck, but eventually it will just stop sucking and it helps if you have something to transition into instead of trying to quit flat out. Nobody quits crack flat out, most people dont even quit smoking like that. . .why should your bad habit be any different?
the way you put it as a bad habit, opened my eyes to the fact that this is xth time of coming to these thoughts and never knowing what to do with them!
I’ve always KNOWN that when trying to do something one must just “do it” (nike haha) but seriously. Today one of my friends posted on facebook “day 5..feels like menopause”. He quit smoking tobacco. and being an ex smoker myself I commented back with loads of positivity to remind him that he is doing just exactly what he needs to do. maybe what the world needs now really is just mad support and love for one another. I believe that more and more everyday.
p.s. world vs the earth, love the earth we are of it, not the other way around.
@hhhkelly, No-one chooses their family. Many people never know their birth family whether they lose their parents from a young age, get put up for adoption or are removed from them for the child’s own good, so even though you may not like your family, be grateful for the fact that at least you know your family, that you have a sense of context from where to place yourself from, and that you can also contact them anytime should you so want to. Families are very rarely perfect. What path you take only you can truely answer
I think…and this is very hard for me to comes to term with myself, that if you feel it is right for you, that you will better yourself by leaving them, abandoning them, then do it.
I have battled with some deep seated issues I have with my father. He is the source of most of the pain, suffering, and sadness I have endured while growing up, and still endure now even though I have resolved most issues that stem from that in my life. It is very difficult to be around him.
He has affected the well-being; emotionally, physically, mentally, of all those in my family. He loves us. But his perception of us in comparison to how he views his own authority is so ridiculously out-of-sync and completely false. It is difficult to cooperate, let alone grow and develop proactively when the person who views himself as the authority has such untrue low opinions of not only you, but everyone else in your family. Accompanied by terrible anger management issues.
The thing is, I’ve always felt for him, because I know of his past, and his own childhood, and there ARE some very crucial things that have happened to him, that explain a lot of his negative, degrading, and very incorrect view of the world and his family. Plus, we are all he has, and he is approaching an age where I think if we were to abandon him for our own sake, it would kill him.
I have always seen, and felt the sheer unfairness and ugliness of this whole situation. It is why I left home the minute I could, and have not returned until this summer, for the period of 2 months which have been broken by weeks of me not being home as well.
But something in the past 24 hours has drudged up the ugliness of again. And when my mother is asking for my opinion on divorce, asking me if that would be the best thing for our whole family…well first of all; it pains me. I cannot fix everything. I have helped many people with their personal problems and battles within themselves, both directly and indirectly. Somehow I just easily see the root of it all. But my father would never let me try to help him. He has so much anger and trauma buried so deep, and the daughter bias he as toward me is too strong.
I still don’t know how to answer her question. She and my brother are just as emotionally damaged from him as I used to be, before I left, and I have more to fix in myself still, though I have made mountains of progress.
It’s hard. Family is something else. It binds us in a way…well if he wasn’t family it would be an easy decision. But he is part of me too.
I hope you come up with a good answer to your question. The point of my story being- it is a hard question, it is different in every case, every family is different. In the end, you must do what is best for you though. I am reaching this conclusion ever so painfully…he is not all bad, but the bad parts he refuses to deal with and change are not healthy for the rest of us.
Best wishes, sending good thoughts your way.
@hhhkelly, Yay? lol. Glad to help.
I think that it needs to be more of a combination. Love alone wont save the world.
People need to have serious compassion for existence, and a commitment to not take anybody elses shit.
The world is ruled by the people, the biggest lie is that ‘the people’ dont believe it. If everyone had compassion for each other thats great and fine, but before it can make a difference people have to make a commitment to stop doing what theyre told and putting up with the bullshit around them. Nobody can force you into psychological submission, people submit willingly.
Just like with your family. They can only hurt you because you give them that power. They wouldnt have it if it werent for the fact that you serve yourself up on a silver platter asking for punishment. If its easier to hurt you than to show you love, people will hurt you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to post. The thought of possibly not knowing my birth family has dawned on me but I could never tie it to anything enough to make it stick (in my mind). My boyfriend knows his biological father but doesn’t have a relationship with him besides harboring a lot of hatred for him. I suppose I have taken this part of it for granted because my desire to be different & actually doing so has set me apart from them. good shit
@hhhkelly, any kind of hatred towards just one person is the perfect time to do something that’s actually worth doing and you love. I am saying this, because there are a lot of people hating on family members. A boy hating his father for being a commanding asshole, a girl hating her mother for not realizing what a control freak she is. If you think about it, everyone hating on someone else just chooses to waste their fucking time. I guess that’s normal.
Hey thanks for sharing with me your story. Your father & how you feel about him reminds me of how I feel about my stepdad. I suppose it’s all about letting go of control and allowing people to not want to better themselves? who knows…
you deserve peace just as I do.
this too shall pass. good luck to you and yours.