First Chapter?

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Anonymous (@)    2 years, 1 month ago

I want to write a short novel and have it published. Tell me what you think of the first chapter if you’re into creative writing.

December 23rd , 2010

As he pulled up to the bowling alley the drugs started to kick-in. A bottle of NyQuil, some Zanex, and about 3 shots of vodka flooded his system bringing a sudden euphoria about. This familiar feeling brought calmness with it, like crickets chirping on a silent night. He didn’t want to be there, at all. His last double blind date ended with him cursing out his friends date and his friend getting with who was supposed to be his date. A familiar voice arose as he stumbled out of the car. “You can’t be serious right now man” said his friend, as he threw an empty bottle of cough syrup in the baron parking lot. “How much did you drink this time?” inquired his friend. Not in the mood to be there, he replied sorely “not enough” and by the look on his face his friend knew to drop it. Walking slowly up to the doors of the bowling alley, he could feel his muscles relaxing more and more from the robo-trip. Leading the way, his friend walked in, and they talked mechanically asking each other questions that were simple pleasantries in which he did not really care to hear the answers to. “When are they supposed to get here Nick?” he asked his friend impatiently as he bounced his foot up and down while he sat. “ She texted me saying they’re on their way, she just got off work 10 minutes ago” said Nick eager to have his second date with this newfound romance of his. “Alright” was all he said back, lost in mind numbing thoughts and not looking for conversation. “ I saw the girl she’s bringing for you, she looks decent” said Nick, trying to in some way to lighten the mood. “ We’ll see, I’m going to go find a ball” he said with a ring of disbelief in his voice as he got up to get a ball, not particularly interested in furthering their conversation. About 5 minutes pass as the two friends sat there in the bright bowling alley, with the recurring sound of pins crashing, waiting for there dates to arrive, and every minute that passed brought the effects of the dextromethorphan with it more and more. He knew within 30 minutes things with slow down to a point where he would lose a grip on reality, he’s done it before and know how it works, his only hope was that in having everything around him slow down time would speed up so this damn night would be over. He looked up as he saw Nick jump out of his seat. Seeing the girl he was supposed to get with on his last double date he got up and he saw a figure behind her. The girl went to go say hello to nick and through the glass doors he saw Her. It was unknown to him whether it was the drugs or the sight of this Her but his heartbeat suddenly sped up and he could feel a blood rush to his head. The high he had from laying eyes on Her made the drugs he took prior to coming feel like sugar pills. He saw her walking in wearing a vibrant Christmas colored flannel shirt. “Hi my name is Jack” he introduced himself, looking into her light-brown eyes but not like that of brown eyes he has ever seen before. He could see innocence, and with that innocence a certain pain that was recognizable to him, but past that he thought he saw a little bit of himself. And in that moment, time froze. No drugs, no bull-shit, the only thing in the air was that feeling of new and curious love. Love at first sight was nothing more then a thing that happened in Disney movies to Jack but in that moment of locked eyes with this stranger, his world was turned upside down. Without removing her eyes from his she said back “ Hi I’m Samantha” and she let out a nervous giggle followed by a warm smile. A few seconds past, feeling like hours until Jack felt a tapping on his shoulder, as he turned his head and Nick asked if he was ready to bowl. “Sure” Jack replied, as he mentally shook off the moment he had with this girl he just met. Jack led the way to the lane they were going to be bowling, not wanting to seem too interested in this girl he walked alongside no one. As they got to the lane, Jack said he’d be right back, telling only Nick he was going to the bathroom. Going to the bathroom wasn’t his concern at all. He wanted to just take a minute to himself and think about what has just happened. Wondering if what he felt was love at first sight and not being able to give himself a distinguishable answer he washed his face off with the cool water from the sink and headed back to the lane. When he got back, Nick explained to him that the teams would be the “couples” in which the double date was supposed go. “ I hope you’re good” Jack said jokingly to Sam as he sat down next to her. The game of bowling itself was nothing over-the-top exciting. No one seemed to want to go up to bowl because everyone was so interested in talking to one another. The connection grew between Jack and Sam though, starting when Jack got a spare and she gave him a high-5, high-5’s lead to hugs and they were giving each other hugs for gutter-balls. As the night grew older the irony sensed between Jack and Nick grew greater and greater. Jack and Sam were getting along better then Nick and Anna and the irony was that Sam and Jack were the tag-alongs for Nick and Anna’s date. Jack lost himself after the first game. The drugs took full affect and as far as he was concerned, he was invincible. All of that which was going on circled around him and he experienced that feeling of true joy that he had not felt in quite some time. As the second game started the lights in the bowling alley had been turned off and the party lights turned on, lighting the outer banks of each lane and having great black-lights hanging from the ceiling burst a new nightly radiance throughout the alley. Easily the loudest group there the four of them kept yelling at or for each other every time one of them went up to bowl. Each “couple” won a game, but as the games came to a close, a lingering feeling could be felt as not a single person wanted the night to end. Nick suggested going to grab a bite to eat and eager to hang out some more every one went along with the idea. Jack had a sudden feeling of grief overcome him, as he didn’t want to leave Sam even for the 5-minute car ride to the diner. Knowing there was nothing he could do about it, he drove there, leading the way cutting in and out of traffic making a 5-minute trip in about 3 minutes (or what felt to him to be 3 minutes). In his condition he should not have been driving anyway. Jack sat in his car, waiting for his companions to arrive he couldn’t get the smile off his face. It was as though he was waiting for the final school bell to ring before summer started and the anxiety was building up. Not to short after, everyone else reached the diner and they were seated in a booth, Jack making sure to snag a seat next to Samantha. There was not a moment of silence as the four sat there and joked around, getting to know each other and feeling more comfortable with each passing minute. Not giving a fuck about waiting till’ the end of the date Jack asked Sam for her number explaining to her for just her to hear he knew that he didn’t care what happened between Nick and Anna, he wants to see her again. She gave it to him with a smile on her face and Jack felt as though he just got the key to the city. Nothing could ruin this night, except for the fact it had to end. The meal came and went. Nick asked for the check when they were done eating and in attempt to show chivalry that barely exists in this modern day Nick and Jack split the bill. They all got up to walk out and Jack couldn’t help but look back to make sure Sam was behind him, like that of a young child who would check behind him to make sure he didn’t stray to far from his mother in a busy store. The four exited the diner and yet again unwilling for the night to end they loitered in the parking lot for a few minutes. Suddenly Nick remembered that one of his and Jacks friends was a having a birthday party very close to the diner they were already at. Agreeing it would be something fun to do the group headed back to their cars and followed Nick as he lead the way to Tom’s. As though driving high wasn’t bad enough, Jack had to peel his eyes off of his rear-view mirror and stop from looking as Sam followed in the passenger seat of Anna’s car. Only a few short minutes later the group pulled up to the party. Heading in hastily, Jack and Nick were greeted by many of their friends in their senior class. Jack was greeted a little bit more sincerely as this group was more so better friends of his than Nick. Jack went around the party, introducing Sam to everyone he knew. Half of him was trying to show off he was friends with all these people but the other half was ecstatic to show all his friends this beautiful girl he just met. A fresh Euphoria hit Jack like the smell of a freshly baked pie’s odor irradiates ones nostrils from the windowsill in which it lays to cool. It was strange almost alien Euphoria though, one that had not been sensed by Jack in much too long. He knew what it was; he was just in disbelief of it. There was practically no trace of toxins he infiltrated his body with yet there this sensation of inner peace that was beyond that of which the drugs could of given him anyway. He felt happy, a feeling that had been long lost for him in a past he would give anything to forget. Through the commotion of the party Jack saw a face he knew and loved. Not the face of a past lover or someone he was infatuated with but the face of his best friend. Ryan came running across the living room, beer in each hand exclaiming “My Brotha! Whats up!”. Giving each other a bear grip hug they separated and Jack turned towards Sam pointing saying “Ryan I want you to meet my friend Samantha, we went on a double date tonight with Nick and this other girl from her school”. “Hi I’m Ryan it’s nice to meet you” he said with a sense of sincerity as he could tell Samantha help a certain importance in the way Jack introduced her. “And Sam, I want you to meet my best friend, pretty much my brother, this is Ryan Gallo ” said Jack, proudly as he thought of the many memories shared with his best friend. “ Hi I’m Sam” she said, shyly as she didn’t know him but was under the impression that Ryan was someone of prominence by the was he spoken of. “ Jack is the funniest fucking kid you will ever meet, I love this guy” the words slurred through Ryans intoxicated mouth as he bragged to Sam of his friendship with Jack. Though it was so visibly clear that Ryan was inebriated, the words still held their meaning to Jack since he knew that Ryan would be giving the same speech sober. Not wanting to look as though he thought to highly of himself and let Ryan ramble on of his utmost love and respect for his best friend, Jack suggested that him and Sam go and find Nick and Anna. After their goodbyes with Ryan it was a short search until the two found the missing half of their group. “Hey buddy, pretty good party right?” Nick said directed at Jack, as Jack picked up that Nick didn’t care for the answer but was rather trying to impress Anna by indirectly stating it was a pretty big party he brought her too. Before Jack could answer Anna looked up from her cell-phone and said, “ We really have to get going before my dad bugs out”. Nick nodded and as a group the four headed towards the door. “Thanks for having me, happy birthday tommy-guns” Jack said to the host of the rigmarole as they stepped outside into the piercing, refreshing winter air. Jack, taking Samantha’s hand in his, walked her to Anna’s car and a sudden pit had been instilled in his stomach, realizing the night was coming to an end. He turned her around and said “ It was nice to meet you, Samantha”. Resembling the beginning of the night, Jack and Samantha found themselves looking into each other’s eyes. “ It was nice to meet you too, Goodnight Jack” she said, without removing her eyes from his. Succumbing to the rush of enthusiasm flooding his mind from the remarkable night he had, Jack leant in and gave Sam one little kiss on her lips. Reaching for his keys he nonchalantly said “ Goodnight Samantha” as he turned around to walk to his car, making sure not to look back as he felt it might show a sign of weakness that he needed to take another look at her after spending the whole night by her side, although he yearned to take one last look. The four split, Jack said his goodbye to Nick when Nick got done saying his goodbye to Anna and Jack laughed to himself as the quote “ all great things must come to an end” entered his mind. Making sure the defrosters were on Jack put the key in the ignition and started making his way home. The events that unfolded from the start of that night replayed themselves over and over in Jack’s head as he drove home. This feeling was past that of not being able to get a girl off his mind, it was beyond a typical teenage love at first sight, he didn’t even know Samantha’s last name but he knew that in that one kiss a seed had been planted that had the potential to grow into something more immense then anything his deepest imagination could construct. He felt love. –

0 votes, posted 05.28.2012 at 8:55 pm
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Kidd (@kidd)2 years, 1 month ago ago

It seems like a slow start, which I don’t mind, but I’d like to know where you plan on going with this story and also how set you are on having THIS be the first chapter. The slow start may call for a little more action, though I assume the plot is going to feed off of Jack and Sam’s love.

The creative writing itself, though, is good. My only problem is that I’d like to see some more description. Sam has innocent brown eyes, but what about her hair? Is it long or short and light or dark? Her body? Is she short and petite or tall and athletic? Her face? Round or square or the famous “heart shaped”? Surely Jack is swooning over her appearance. And what about Jack? How tall is he, how’s he walk? What do they wear?

The technical writing seems like it could use work. There are no clear paragraphs even when there needs to be, missing commas, your numbers should be spelled out, etc. Though, it’s no big deal yet. Proof reading is supposed to be the last thing you do. Just focus on making the content the best you can.

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