Getting Over Someone You Were Never With?

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Frontier Psychiatrist (@pseudojudo)    2 years, 4 months ago

It’s as strange as it sounds. I’m having difficulty with something I’ve never really experienced, which is getting over someone who I was never in a relationship with. It was my full intent to pursue this girl shortly after I met her. But I tried to slow-play it since I recognized her conservative disposition right away, and it became my downfall. I spent the first 5 months building rapport, getting to know her, and we developed an amicable yet somewhat distant friendship. Long story short, the last two months she got really busy, and basically had no time for me. She stopped responding to my messages the last few weeks (don’t worry I didn’t do anything wrong, she’s just not a consistent communicator). Now it seems the opportunity has pretty much passed by since we’re moving on to other things, meaning we won’t be occupying the same setting anymore. I really can’t just keep bombarding her with messages like that…

You will probably want to know what was important about the first 5 months that lead me to believe something could have developed. I’ll just say that we had some unique experiences, and discussed things with each other that we probably haven’t done so with many others. We complimented each other and identified with each other culturally and spiritually, but at the same time, while others around us noticed the compatibility, we never explored that angle with each other verbally. That is what I was hoping to get to eventually, but circumstances just shafted me from ever getting that close.

So here I am. Upset with myself, and can’t help but dwell on it. So any advice? If you feel you need to tell me I should have “moved faster” and “there’s still time” then feel free to, but I’m really trying to look forward now. I appreciate any help.

1 votes, posted 04.02.2012 at 10:26 pm
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Kyle (@krim98)2 years, 4 months ago ago

Well sometimes you have to look at what the experience gave you. Perhaps the experience was not truly about the other person but the lessons gained. I’m sure that you learned much about yourself from the way you felt and thought about this person, and perhaps next time a similar situation comes up you will not wait as long to make a move. I have a very dear friend from overseas, someone who is still one of the most important people in my life. a few years back, when first getting to know her, I fell hard. I was honest, and so was she. there was an ease and comfort in talking to someone so far away than your two worlds were not connected in any way. Through this i learned so much about myself, and Love. Eventually, and by that i mean from then until just this year, i had to work on releasing the deep feelings i had to keep the amazing friend i have and learn to let go of my emotions and attachment. the entire thing, though it did not end up where i would have wished back then, has brought me where i needed to be. Perhaps you too can take solace in the fact that everything seems to happen for a reason. It is quite possible that the experience itself has lined you up for something much better, or maybe even prevented you from being with someone who might have had issues you may not even have been aware of (or her either, which is sometimes the case). For what its worth friend, I hope this helps.

But honestly, it can help to keep all avenues open. If you can truly and honestly remain open to the possibilities, then awesome things will fall into your lap. Who knows, it could even be that the circumstances will take another spin down the road and twirl your girl right into your arms. After all, if you never spoke up directly, took the balls tot he wall approach and took a leap of faith, there is no way to know if she was, even at one time, wondering something similar about you.

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Avatar of Joseph
Joseph (@warriors41)2 years, 4 months ago ago

I just copied this from a post on the website thisisnthappiness.com. Read it through, and be truthful. It helped me a bit, perhaps it can help you?

How to Pick Your Right Girl
She is attractive, of course, but is that her chief asset? (Try to imagine her ten years from today.)
Do you want her because she is popular–because other men have wanted her? (Don’t be a copy-cat!)
Could you spend seven consecutive evenings in her company without being bored? (If the answer is affirmative, it is a good sign.)
Do you have similar tastes in most things?
Is she a good sport?
Is she reasonably healthy?
Is she a flirt? Does she make you jealous? (Decide whether you can stand the strain; your jealously will persist until you grow indifferent.)
Are you constantly irritated by some small mannerism of hers? (You can’t be terribly in love.)
Does she tell lies? Do you mind?
Is she a nag?
Is she quarrelsome? (The Bible warns, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”)
Is she hard on other people? (Don’t judge by her behavior to you.)
Is she trying to reform you? How do you feel about being reformed?
Has she tried to boss you? (Maybe you need a boss.)
Would she put up with all your faults if she knew them?
When you quarrel, who capitulates first? (A combination of two stubborn mules is bad.)
Do you agree on children, or a career, or both? (Better settle this beforehand.)
Does she expect you to support her in a definite style? Could you count on her cooperation in hard times? Would she go to work if necessary?
Will she help you get ahead? Or will she pull you away from your work?
Can she handle money?
If you marry her, will you also be marrying her family?
Does she let you get around to see your old pals? (If you have been too infatuated to notice, make it a point of finding out.)
Are you proud to present her to your friends? (If not, reconsider.)
Do you hope to reform her? (Give up the idea. People change, but not according to plan.)
Do you know her faults? Are you willing to live with them?
Do you still think her perfect? (You’re wrong, of course, but marry!)
The Art of Manliness

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Avatar of Cogito
Cogito (@cogito)2 years, 4 months ago ago

I went through a similar situation like this, and it’s probably happened to me more than it should. Sometimes I tend to move at a snails pace when pursing a relationship with someone I’m genuinely interested in. For some reason I’ve always had trouble putting myself out there and really going for what I want. Anyway like in your situation, I spent a considerable amount of time building rapport, and getting to know the person. When we had met, I felt like we connected instantly. Almost as if meeting her had some kind of purpose in my life. We immediately became friends, and over a few months we became really close friends. When I first met her she had a boy friend. But shortly after, she ended up breaking up with him. So I tried making a move and asked her out. Well she kinda gave me this just wanting to be friends bullshit. While apparently ended up trying to get with another guy I knew of. So I decided to just accept we were friends, and she never actually ended up dating that other guy, but at some point got back with her ex and married him a couple months after that. During this whole time we were still friends, and for some reason became closer friends. So during the course of a year from when I met this person, and during the entirety of her marriage I felt like she had started falling for me. Which made me reconsider feelings I had for her and question our friendship. She ended up ending her marriage, which she felt was a mistake in the first place. And there was this very small window of a couple weeks where she was single and we were hanging out quite often. Well I was constantly debating on whether or not I should act on the feelings I was having. But besides being a little scared of changing our friendship and this close bond we had devoloped over the course of a year, I had also reached a low feeling in my own situation such as my current job and was discracted from the whole incedent. So I hadn’t really talked to her in about two weeks or so. We kind of grew apart. Then the strangest thing happened some douche bag came out of nowhere and started hitting on her. Well this motivated me to finally confess how I felt about her. But my actions were too late. For what ever reason she decided to choose this prick over me. And because he knew how I felt about her after that, he wouldn’t let her talk to me. So inevitable our friendship went downt he drain as well. Inconceivably to me, she was allowing some dude she only met for two weeks to alter and control her pretty much putting aside a strong friendship that we had carefully constructed over the a whole years time. Funny thing is that she isn’t really one to let somone control her. Well after that, I just stopped talking to her. I still regret not making a move faster or something like that. But I don’t dwell on the fact. I just look forward to finding someone that will actually make the difference for me.

Also we’re still friends and probably would be better friends if her boyfriend wasn’t so intimidated by me. So I don’t her from her very often these days. Although I’m still pretty good friends with alot of people she knows. I figure she’ll come around eventually and we’ll be good friends again, but I certanily won’t be seeking a relationship with her. But yeah for the first couple months when she stopped talking to me I had those feelings of trying to get over someone I hadn’t got to experience. I wondered what could’ve been. Then I realized I was wasting time. You really can’t let those feelings eat at you. You just have to move forward. Maybe something you weren’t expecting will happen and take you by surprise. Trust me you’ll be a lot more happier and have more fun if you keep the past where it belongs =D just enjoy the moment and go with the flow!

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Avatar of Frontier Psychiatrist
Frontier Psychiatrist (@pseudojudo)2 years, 4 months ago ago

@krim98,

“Well sometimes you have to look at what the experience gave you. Perhaps the experience was not truly about the other person but the lessons gained. I’m sure that you learned much about yourself from the way you felt and thought about this person, and perhaps next time a similar situation comes up you will not wait as long to make a move.”

- Very true, I very much internalized the experience, and when carefully discussing it with my friends I referred to it as a “one-sided affair”. I think what I gained from this is being readily reflective. When ‘moments’ happened between us, I sort of let them breeze by instead of verbally acknowledging them with her. I think reflecting more upon those moments would have facilitated that deeper connection faster.

“Perhaps you too can take solace in the fact that everything seems to happen for a reason. It is quite possible that the experience itself has lined you up for something much better, or maybe even prevented you from being with someone who might have had issues you may not even have been aware of (or her either, which is sometimes the case). For what its worth friend, I hope this helps.”

- Sure, it’s possible there were aspects of her or myself that would cause friction, but I think the way in which at least I was drawn to her would make me look past them, in all respects I thought she was worth it.

“But honestly, it can help to keep all avenues open. If you can truly and honestly remain open to the possibilities, then awesome things will fall into your lap. Who knows, it could even be that the circumstances will take another spin down the road and twirl your girl right into your arms. After all, if you never spoke up directly, took the balls tot he wall approach and took a leap of faith, there is no way to know if she was, even at one time, wondering something similar about you.”

- I haven’t completely counted that out, but I know how time makes people lose interest and forget ‘moments’. Even though not much time has passed, I can see her memories of me fading away as she remains intensely focused on her life. I can’t really fault her for that, but it is a superficial concern that bothers me. But I will keep an open mind about the future in regards to similar situations, or the exact same one reprising itself.

Thank you for your well thought out response.

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Avatar of Frontier Psychiatrist
Frontier Psychiatrist (@pseudojudo)2 years, 4 months ago ago

@warriors41,

That questionnaire was interesting. The parts that got me were the “reforming” questions. When I attempted to reform her she would mostly offer resistance ranging from playful to straight denial. When she tried to reform me, I considered it introspectively and usually got around to practicing. One example I think is funny to disclose is a conversation we sprung upon about what kind of partner she eventually wants to end up with. I know, some say that is like the ultimate no-no between a single guy and girl but it was an enjoyable conversation. She somehow mentioned that she prefers a guy that wears a watch, explaining that it’s classy. I tried to explain my empty rationale of not being a watch-wearer. Lo and behold I found myself wearing a watch just a couple of months later, but she never acknowledged it. That has stayed with me.

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Avatar of Frontier Psychiatrist
Frontier Psychiatrist (@pseudojudo)2 years, 4 months ago ago

@cogito,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I certainly cannot relate to the intensity and complexity of your experience, but I share some of those similar sentiments to a lesser degree. Letting go of those deep brooding feelings has proven difficult, but I have to accept it is a process that has its own ebb and flow.

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Avatar of pat
pat (@epath)2 years, 4 months ago ago

You’ll never know unless you verbalize it. I went through a similar thing long ago. It was real but never realized.

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Faithflower (@peacelove)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@pseudojudo, I have had that experience over and over again, it really got the best of me though, because I don’t know how to move on and let it go really. And at the end you end up just wasting your time, while the other has already moved on and forgotten about you anyway. Maybe it’s because in your head you imagine you are already with that person, which seems so real, that your feelings attach to that imaginary image of that person. Then you think you already are with that person, while in fact you’re just contemplating about the thought of being with that person, nothing real in fact. It also means it could be delusional, so you make things seem more desirable than they really are. I also think, if you are not with that person, and you tried your best to be with that person, then things might’ve just not meant to be. I can live with that thought, it’s better than doing nothing letting time pass by and then blame yourself that you’ve done really nothing to pursue the relationship.

Anyway I think it’s more the “what could’ve been” thought that keeps you from moving on, but fact is that the “could’ve been” is just imaginary really, it doesn’t mean it would’ve been that way if things would actually work out in real life.

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curious2012 (@apples30)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@pseudojudo, having had a lot of pain around this topic, it is the regret of the past and the loss of the imagined future that has brought the most suffering for me. having read these responses, i think the truth is that what happens in relationships when they are active are what they are, and they are what they were meant to be, because it was what is was for both people involved at that time, as relationships that we create our reflections of where we are within ourselves at the time. it is when i consciously go against my inner wisdom that is the real cause of all of my pain however. So i think each painful experience is our reminder to trust ourselves, and life will be as it is supposed to be. If we don’t get what we want, it will hurt but i think we can move on more completely and more healed because we were honest with ourselves, followed that honesty, and did what we could. After that, we are not in control, as the only thing we can control is ourselves anyway.

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Avatar of Matthew
Matthew (@ojai)2 years, 3 months ago ago

Your relief comes through acceptance. I’ve been through this sort of situation and I can say, you can either give it a shot and see where vocalizing yourself brings you or…just accept her as your friend. Sitting idle can be a vicious cycle. It’s one where it’s safe but in reality, it’s your heart that wants to know what could or couldn’t be with this person. You know when you feel as if you’re trouble and you’re about to be “found out” or “got”? That feeling that rushes through you accompanied by the what seems like infinite racing thoughts in your head, anxious and looking for the best possible solution to give you comfort and security. I would describe waiting around and eating your own thoughts towards relationships like these with such a feeling, I think.As Tom Petty said “the waiting is the hardest part”.

For me, I would rather have tried and came out of something with seemingly nothing…than to never try and come out with nothing at all.

Just the fact it’s a curiousity that’s in you, that you have these feelings and thoughts, must mean something, right?

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Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@pseudojudo, Time heals, that’s the 2 magic words i can tell you. my suggestions are, when the thought of her coming into your mind, just let it be.. there’s nothing you can do. The harder you try refusing her into your mind, the more she’ll be haunting you. just accept her into your mind, saying hello and ask her what does she want?

try on meditation, it might be helpful. create inner peace within yourself and try to let go. just let go all the unpleasant feelings and break free from your own prison.
good luck!

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Avatar of TheSkaFish
TheSkaFish (@theskafish)1 year, 11 months ago ago

Still going through this shitty situation…..I’ve been friends for a while with a girl that I’ve always felt was “different,” pretty, and uncommonly sweet and who I’ve wanted to be in a relationship with for the longest time because I honestly believe we could be good together and we could help each other grow and advance as people and I feel there’s lots we could share – we’ve talked from time to time and have no problems conversing or agreeing, we can really get along…..she even bothered to remember that it was my birthday today, all the way from the other side of the country……where she’ll be spending a long time volunteering with some guy. Now, I’ve met him, and in all fairness he’s nice/not an asshole, but honestly not that impressive. It frustrates me to no end. Not even getting into the fact that I’ve known her longer and she was sweet to me first, and the fact that I’m taller, bigger, and arguably more handsome if I do say so myself, than this guy who’s kind of on the dorky side. He’s not a rock star, actor, professional athlete, inventor, or anything like that….he’s just some guy with an accent who travels a lot. Now I know people on here love traveling and all, but as a factor of intrinsic coolness……so fucking what? You can take any person and send them to the most interesting place in the world and back, but it doesn’t mean that they are an interesting person because of it, and personally I feel that if you travel to a place and don’t do anything to leave a lasting change or have a lasting change within you, I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I don’t even know for a fact if anything is going on between them and I could just be assuming, but man, it gets me down knowing it’s come to this…..it really erodes faith in myself that I can be the type of person who gets what they want out of life. Winners know how to get what they want and keep it, losers are the ones who have to “move on.” How can I feel like I even have potential to be on top of life, when I get beaten by a nobody like this? I know I’m not perfect either, but hey, I’m trying. I know I’ve messed up with her a lot by being underconfident and knew nothing of relationships and women, but I never had anything but good intentions for us and now that I’ve more or less got it figured out, I’m just in time to sit here while he’s with her instead of me. Having the knowledge and confidence now only adds insult to injury. I wish there was something I could do, or that I knew what to do when it would have counted. Now I know all this for “the next girl”….just my fuckin’ luck.

EDIT: I’ve since moved on from this and realized she was not even close to someone I would have wanted or been happy with. Good riddance to this situation! :)

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Avatar of Prittii
Prittii (@prittii)1 year, 11 months ago ago

I love giving “love” advices! :)

Guys, there are many different type of women out there! If you give a little more details about her, It’s easier to understand better what’s happening.

@pseudojudo, It’s really hard to give you advice, because you didn’t say much about her, but you said she is “conservative”, yea? My best friend and my sister are like that! :) So I can tell you, she wants you to be like a “prince” or a “hero” type of guy. You have to make her think you are amazing somehow! My best friend dates a guy that is not so good looking, but he is tall and smart. She didn’t like him at first because of the “look” matter, but he sent her so many melty love letters and called her many times to say he is in love, and one day he just came to her house and kissed her!!! He had attitude and self confidence! This is attractive!

It’s never too late! Write her without fear! Tell her the amazing things you guys could do if you were together and how she is so amazing for you! If you go meet her, dress nice, bring her flowers… show that you care! That’s what we do for the things we want in life: we go for it! Not just sit and wait things to happen.

@theskafish, Is she dating this guy or just hanging out? I can’t say so much because you didn’t speak so much about the girl, but it looks like she is interested in you by what you say. (remembering your birthday, introducing you to some guy) lol

Hint: She is speaking about this male friend, hanging out with him, maybe that you notice that “she is desired” and “there are other guys interested”… Just to get you to take an attitude… Did you ever give the first step and told her how you feel?

She is in the other side of the country… Did you ever think about taking the next flight to there, meeting her, telling her about your feelings (women love that!) and then trying to get closer to her body… maybe even kissing her?

Please, don’t let yourself down like that! You didn’t “I get beaten by a nobody like this”… I think you didn’t actually start the fight.

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Avatar of Konnect Life
Konnect Life (@Konnect-Life)12 months ago ago

@theskafish, You described yourself and this other guy as people who would be considered “nice guys.” You briefly described the other guy as some dorky dude who WAS NOT an asshole. With that being said, I wouldn’t be too worried since we all (should) know by now that nice guys finish last…. and then when you throw “dorky” on top of that I can only picture a nerdy looking guy who is super sweet and nice and doesn’t know how to get a girl. I used to be that way (key word, “used”) and I still accidentally slip back to doing that occasionally but will snap out of it quickly.

ANYWAY…..

If anything, I kind of believe that she probably isn’t even interested in him either, but is probably seeing some other third guy that hasn’t been discussed here.

I’d be very shocked if she left a “nice guy” with low self esteem to get with a dorky guy who (according to you) displays even more nice guyish behaviors.

And as far as telling her how you feel, I can only wish you good luck with that. Unless you know how to do this properly, you WILL either

1. End up stuck in the friendzone, or
2. Lose her completely.

I don’t have enough information to recommend what you could do to fix this. But I feel sorry for all these guys all over the net who still believe that being a sweet nice guy who pursues the girl and tells her how he feels will work. Even worse, it hurts me to see these same guys suffer and wonder why they keep failing while the men with more aggressive, arrogant, slightly jerkish to full blown jerkish behaviors always win. I guess one major problem is the fact that many people believe what they are told / what they hear, ad they are taught to “just be nice” and other silly things. It took me a long time to figure all this out and shed the nice guy behavior myself!

But if you choose to, fly over there and tell her how you feel and let me know how that goes. Maybe you can be the first one to prove to me that being a nice guy COULD work!

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Avatar of TheSkaFish
TheSkaFish (@theskafish)12 months ago ago

@Konnect-Life, hey, it’s cool. Thanks for showing concern. But the truth is, I’ve long ago realized that I didn’t even want this girl anymore, and have long since moved on, no regrets (other than wasting too much time on her as it was and complaining about this situation to family and friends, I should’ve known from the beginning that it was a no-go – I wish I could get that time back). As far as I’m concerned, this guy can have her, I’m done with that whole crowd. And I’m not even mad, because all I lost was someone I didn’t really want anyway. On top of that, I’ve since met way cooler, much prettier girls who were actually much more aligned with me, what I was looking for the whole time. I was such a fool for thinking that any girls I met after her would just be settling….they’re 1000 times more what I want in a girl than she was and looking back I really don’t know what I thought I saw in the first girl that made me so obsessed. We couldn’t have been any less compatible. It was just that I didn’t know the possibilities, didn’t know what I was missing. It’s all good man.

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Avatar of secretagentpeter

I haven’t really read this whole thread but I just wanna put something in because I’m really busy and don’t have much time…(I’ll read the whole page later…)
So I really liked this one girl and we really connected and all our friends shipped us.
I also really liked another girl who I wasn’t as close with but wanted to be close with.
I was a high school sophomore and The girl I liked was a sophomore too.
The girl who I started to like was a junior. Most of my friends were upperclassmen and we all wanted to go to prom. So the senior girl asked me to go to prom with her and I said yes. I asked my other male senior friend to ask the sophomore girl I liked and so he did. Little did I know as they were getting prepared for prom they’d start falling for eachother and start dating. So I was stuck in a situation where I was going to prom with a girl I wasn’t even dating. Even worse she got back together with her ex and I was now going to prom with a TAKEN girl. I didn’t know what to do and I knew that this night was destined to be a living hell. so later on 2 days before prom I hung out with an ex of mine and we had a great time and got REALLY close. So on prom night I was dancing with a taken girl I liked while the girl I liked even more had a tongue down her throat the entire time. So after later on that night when it got really late we all got dropped off by another friend and I told my prom date about my plans to date that ex of mine who I had fun with 2 days earlier. Then she told me that my ex whom I was planning on dating had just gotten back with HER ex the day before prom.I died inside. I was alone in life. After my date told me that we had just gotten to her stop. I got out of the car and stood outside of the car as she was getting out and said goodbye to her as she walked by me going to her house. “…AS SHE WALKED BY ME…” I was dying inside and my prom date didn’t even hug me goodnight. I dragged my lifeless body into the car. I got home later and forced myself to take off my tux and climb into bed as the tears streamed from my face. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t even sobbing. The tears just poured out. Now all that night was is now just a memory and doesn’t matter. Life goes on and so will I…

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