Girlfriend and Me are Two Different People

2 years, 5 months ago

Were both 18 and have been dating for almost 9 months, spent the first 6-7 smoking weed…we recently stopped and some things are becoming more obvious, we have a decent amount in common but sometimes i question if its enough, and are kind of from different groups of people…Ive lost a lot of my close friends because ive been focusing on the relationship. I see her almost everyday and am bored when shes not around, we get a long fine and i really do love her, but we argue over the same things and it gets exhausting.

By her own admission ive never started one single arguement in the relationship, but weve had a lot of them..mostly revolving around her hanging out with only guys and selfishness etc. Its my first relationship and im just looking for some comparisions, i mean i dont know if im in the wrong in even thinking it might not work or what? I just find myself questioning a lot more than she does, idk any adivce from previous experience?

October 8, 2012 at 8:48 am

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Profile photo of Joshua Lloyd Joshua Lloyd (@briggs22) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

@jeffreyb, If a relationship is causing you to lose your close friends due to you ignoring them, then the relationship, personally, isn’t a healthy one.

It does sound like you have a tendency to be jealous due to her friendships with ‘only guys.’ I’m currently seeing a girl who has a couple of girl-friends and the rest are guys. That’s fine with me as I totally trust her. However, this isn’t my first relationship; yours is. I suffered a lot of jealousy, possessive tendencies and trust issues in my first relationship because I was inexperienced. It was new to me. I was full of lust for her and it bugged me. Like you, I was lonely and bored when I wasn’t with her. It then occured to me that I stopped seeing my friends and stopped with my hobbies. Why? Because I wanted to spend as much time with her as I possibly could. The relationship became so much healthier and enjoyable for the both of us when I began enjoying other things in life than just her company.

Having gone through what you currently are, my advice would be to start hanging around with your friends again and actually have hobbies. In a snippet, enjoy life without your girlfriend, too.

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Profile photo of BuffaloPhil BuffaloPhil (@jeffreyb) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

Your probably right with the jealous thing, however it is just one guy not a bunch i mispoke…but i guess if i fully trusted her it wouldnt be a problem. Ive realized i need to spend more time with my friends but its hard because going in i had a lot more than she did, and they always wanted to hangout and i didnt have time for her…and now its kinda switched around so its hard to find a balance.

But the trust thing is hard as ive been on the other side where girls are cheating on their boyfriends with me so its an unsettling thought, but yah thanks for the advice youve said a lot of what I have already been thinking. Ill try it out!

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Profile photo of Joshua Lloyd Joshua Lloyd (@briggs22) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

@jeffreyb, Not a problem at all. We’re all here to offer our own experiences as a means to ‘help.’

You didn’t mention in the original post that there was just one guy. And nor did you mention that other people’s girlfriends had cheated with you. Now that probably couples to one huge case of paranoia haha! My only reasoning would be to have belief with your girlfriend. Don’t let poor experiences of cheating in the past negatively affect your relationship with her. That would be unfair on her. Again, though, this is just my opinion. Don’t take it so literally!

And best of luck, by the way. More HEthens will respond in time. Sometimes posts can just take a while to get going.

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Profile photo of mook mook (@killopatra) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

@jeffreyb, im not much older than you but I had a girlfriend I loved when I was 18. Similar kind of story…spent all our time together, didn’t see my friends as much. What I’d say is you’re both growing but yet the structure of the comfortable relationship isn’t. This is the first of many relationships (sexual, romantic, casual etc) so don’t stress about starting to see the end of this one. If your differences keep getting in the way and you find yourself overthinking your dynamics together and you aren’t seeing your friends…I’d say end it sooner rather than later. It can be on good terms if you both have it that way…but you’re a young guy and when you’re on the other side of this relationship you’ll see things much more clearly I bet.

Aside from love, why do you want to keep things going with her?

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Profile photo of Almeida Almeida (@xetado) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

Being very short, bros before hoes. DON’T focus only in her, have time for yourself and your friends. I know how it feels great to be with someone you really love, but you can’t leave other things behind. In the future, some day you may break up with her and you’ll need your old friends and they aren’t going to be there..

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Profile photo of Paulo Paulo (@paulo) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

I’m 17 at the moment and have been dating my first love for about 8 and a half months, and the first thing I gotta say is: we do not have a single damn thing in common.
And the second thing I’ve gotta say is: that’s never really been a problem.

Real love penetrates past differences and hobbies in tastes, my girl may or may not be the love of my life, but the love is real and that in itself keeps it going.

@briggs22 brought up some good points about how making sure the rest of your life remains intact will enrich both your personal life, and your relationship with her. I think the man is on the ball with that one, and I’ll have to apply some of that stuff with my own life ;)

@kilopatra and @Xetado had some fair opinions. But personally, I believe that bailing just because things look bad is plain weak.
Nothing personal in the slightest gentlemen, but that’s simply what I think.

Everyone’s raised good points on your dependence though, and I think it’s all spot on.
I read a book called “The Power of Now” not too long ago though.
At first it looks like some bullshit new-age self help book, but if you actually read it, you’ll find it’s pretty much life changing. Cured a lot of my relationship woes, so if you really care about yours, invest a few hours of time in reading, because it’s really worth it.

Best wishes fellow HEthen.

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Profile photo of Hitomi Hitomi (@kidvisions) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

@jeffreyb, I have been with my current boyfriend (and soon fiancé) for 4 years, we had ups and downs and even though we have our differences, we love each other so much, we complete each other and we agree on the most important things (religion, future plans, ambitions, kids,etc…) Anyway, what I want to say is, there must be a reason (or reasons) that keep you in the relationship and that made you together in the first place, and if this reason(s) are only smoking weed, then the answer to your dilemma is obvious.

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Profile photo of Paig3lla Paig3lla (@paig3lla) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

@jeffreyb, I’m 18 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 months, and it’s been one hell of a ride. He and I had very different life experiences growing up. His parents divorced at a young age and he had to watch his mother go through various abusive relationships. He has 3 sisters, one of them being his twin. By age 16 he got into the rave culture, and had a lot of experience with ecstasy, and various other drug cultures. He’s outgoing and super friendly, and knows how to talk to people. I grew up with one brother and one sister, my parents are still married, and i had a pretty sheltered upbringing. I hadn’t smoked weed consistently until really this past year, and all of my forthcoming drug experiences have been with him. I’m an introvert, shy, and can be really stubborn.

With all that being said, the common ground we shared was an open mind. We both took eachother in for all the things that have made or broken us in the past. For all the things that have shaped us into the people we are today. I find that our differences compliment us in a really nice way.
Truthfully, we fight all the time. Rationally, we spend all our time together. Time to yourself is healthy. I encourage it. The best thing for you would be to explore those differing interests and have something to yourself, that you enjoy and makes you feel accomplished and happy. When you take that time, meeting back up with your girl will feel all the more exciting. You can actually tell her about your day, and she can tell you about hers. Then you can finish the day off together :) It’s a really nice feeling, not to mention makes your day more productive.
You have to remember to not treat it as if youre blowing her off. Tell her what youre doing for that day, the plans you have and when you plan on getting into contact with her. That way she wont feel abandoned, and it wont feel like somethings “off” with the two of you. Communication is key. The fighting tones down when you have other things to talk about. Always remember in a relationship to not lose yourself, remember to feed your imagination and drive and your ambitions and hobbies, etc. Your girl will be happy seeing that your happy, people are interested in people who have their own lives, their own things going on. Try to remember that while you share a life together you also are two separate people.
First relationships are hard! youre learning what you like and what you dont. You probably learn more about yourself than you will with any other friendship, relationship, etc. Just dont give up. There is no black and white rule saying when its time to let go. I dont think you should, i think you’re just entering a new phase of this relationship. Make it a proactive one. I wish you the best!

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Profile photo of BuffaloPhil BuffaloPhil (@jeffreyb) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

Lately its been going a lot better, good to hear more experienced peoples opinions. @paig3lla, Are you sure theres no black and white answer?;) haha if only ehh…
But yah already made changes to my dependence level and getting back into hobbies i used to enjoy, it helps in a lotta ways but takes some getting used too for the both of us. Still having trouble getting some of my old friends back but im not too worried about that since im going to university soon, so shouldnt be a problem.
This was my first discussion post and it went real well thanks, I hope all your guys relationships work out!

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

fuck bitches get money!

If you argue over the same things, you’re not working them out. This means communication between you two is bad and rather than solving the issue you are more interested in “winning” the argument.

This is a red flag of a bad relationship.

A healthy relationship want to solve the problems, not make the other feel bad about them. Know the difference, ask yourself which is happening in your scenario. Be aware that if you yourself cannot succumb to solving the problem, but rather just want to “win” the argument, then its time to move on. Its very hard to change a relationship, once you’re in it, its a very solid foundation… Its hard to “start new”.

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Profile photo of Milo Milo (@milo) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

It’s a good thing ya’ll are different people. If you were the same person thatd be creepy. Embrace your differences whilst sober. Try to learn more from her. If things don’t work out don’t sweat it but remain on good friend terms. Yall might get back together further down the road.

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You need to take a step back and build yourself up as an individual first. I knew a bunch of people at your age who got overly dependent on their girlfriends. Go join a gym, read some books, and get some space.

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