How do I trust?

3 years, 3 months ago

Hello all, this is my first post so I hope I’m using this accurately. A good friend of mine told me about this site and I appreciate what it’s about. Pleasure to meet you in advance.

There are two ways to trust someone, right? Trust until it’s broken, or wait for them to gain your trust. How do I trust? Keeping a balance between the two?

I have always been a trusting person, almost too trusting of others. It’s gotten me hurt, cheated on, and taken advantage of. Through bad relationships, broken friendships, selfishness, and lies, I’ve learned to have almost no hope in trusting anyone… sometimes even my family.

Is it right for me to feel this way? To always hope for the best but expect the worst in people? How do I fully trust my new girlfriend without thinking insecurely (that she’s keeping her options open, willing to leave if she meets someone new/better, etc.)? When can I feel comfortable and be worry-free about her or anyone I surround myself with? Is this realistic of me or pessimistic?

January 18, 2012 at 4:18 am

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Profile photo of BirdFlyingHigh BirdFlyingHigh (@birdflyinghigh) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

Trust someone a little and then see what they do with it.

Often, when people break your trust it’s because you’ve given them a responsibility that they can’t handle. Why isn’t your girlfriend worried that you might be keeping your options open and will be willing to leave if someone better comes along? If you are relying on her for your self-worth or your self-esteem, that is a responsibility that it is not fair to put on someone else.

Good luck with all that… I think you’ll figure it out. :)

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I try to trust people as much as I can. Sometimes in life you get burnt. It’s part of the roller coaster.

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Profile photo of Brandon P'naantan Pinkney Brandon P’naantan Pinkney (@hlalhabattu) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

first off, given what I can take from what you said….seems like you’ve had a hard life, wih that said insecurity is only natural and you should not beat yourself up over it. since you obviously want to feel secure enough to trust people, you have to first bolster your confidence, truly believe that you can “handle whatever they could throw at you”, which will no doubt take some time but it’ll be worth it in the end. and again, it is ok to be guarded as long as you arent emotionally unavailable to your new girlfriend or whoever else you encounter.

all this said, you’ll be ok and as long as you believe that you are strong enough to deal with the possibility of heartache, you can grow to trust others again

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Profile photo of Joseph Joseph (@warriors41) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

Trust comes from within your self. To be trusting of others is to be trustful of your self. Have confidence in your instinct and let go of your bad habits. Surround yourself only with people you love. You don’t have to trust everyone.

If you never lose your honesty, you have no fear of losing trust.

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Profile photo of Jeremy Jeremy C (@chadvice) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

I agree with Joseph. ;-)

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Profile photo of richard <3explore richard <3explore (@comeasyouare) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

Me too ^

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

You can only trust or distrust yourself, although most people fool themselves into thinking they do it to eachother. Always trust, that’s it. There is no method, you just do it. It’s as simple as it gets.

Not trusting is fear, nothing but fear. VERY irrational fear, of pointless things. Yeah, you may get your feelings hurt, boohoo, it’s a fucking good thing. Stop clinging to your whiny ego, stop protecting it. Start living.

Peace

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

You can trust someone to the fullest if you know/understand them to the fullest. If you can answer ‘yes’ to the fact that you know/understand your girlfriend, then you do trust her. Its just the past that keeps your trust issues lingering. Its hard to let go of the past because you have probably been so hurt and broken, but allowing yourself to trust her, is allowing you to move on.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Tine Artificial, manipulative, false trust… don’t sink that low

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

It’s right there in the post you claimed to agree with. “There is no method.” Haha, this is hilarious.

Also, there’s nothing genuine about such behaviour. Reaction seeking, egocentric and fearful is what it really is.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

I trust, completely. Not through some bullshit method, and there is no justification needed for trust. If you don’t trust, you lack confidence and positivity, this is bad for you and for those in your proximity. As long as you don’t trust you have no real confidence and you are in fear.

What do you mean “play well with others?” If you mean collaboration, I’m very good at it. If you mean social stuff, well I seem to be quite good at that too considering all the people at my side. What exactly do you mean and what do you base that assumption on?

I do not describe the world negatively, I would never do that. There is nothing to be careful about, careful is just another word for scared and distrustful.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Tine there are no contradiction on my side, only on yours.

You do not trust completely at all if that’s how you do it. You don’t even know what trusting completely is if that’s how you do it. You have no idea.

How do you know who to trust? Just trust. The only person you’re doubting is yourself.

No screening process is required, and that’s not foolish at all. The foolish thing to do is to screen for “trustworthiness.” That’s nothing but fear and weakness.

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Profile photo of victor victor (@victor) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Manimal,
Say a woman who trusts completely, like you said, needs help holding her baby – she gives it to some random man on the street, and because she trusts completely, she trusts him.
Okay, man kills the baby, sad story end.

Seems like I’m reading too literally, but you can you perhaps elaborate a little bit? Unless of course, this is what your concept of all trusting condones?

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@victor There is no “trusting completely” in that scenario.

@Tine “Once I allow them in, I trust completely” is a contradiction. As I said, you don’t even know what complete trust is. Stop fooling yourself.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Tine That’s the whole problem. “I do not think…” That’s exactly why you’re wrong. It’s all belief, no reference and no actual knowledge of the facts. I’m speaking from experience and action, you’re not. All you have is theories, you live in a false idea of reality.

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Profile photo of Vasco B Vasco B C (@vasco) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

It’s amusing how it was @Tine who quoted “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink,” when, from what I read here and on another thread, he is the one not ready to take in what @Manimal wrote.

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Profile photo of Damasias Damasias (@nan0fire) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

I would like to hear what Manimal has to say about trust. I think of myself as a trusting person, trusting blindly almost, I believe in the innate goodness of people; I don’t gauge/test their trustworthyness either. I basically use my gut feeling. Although I think I understand the kind of trust you (@manimal) is talking about, maybe you could give me an example. Like: a person comes into your life, do you trust this person immediately? and what does trust entail for you?

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Profile photo of Martijn Schirp Martijn Schirp A (@martijn) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

Trusting is letting go of the urge to control things. Getting hurt is natural, but it happens too often when there is also fear of control, which is false trust and leads to extra unnecessary hurt.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Damasias If a person comes into my life this person is trusted. I do not actively do anything, trust isn’t something you do, it’s something that happens automatically unless your ego gets in the way. There are no criteria for this trust, neither do I have any expectations. I don’t resist what is, I go with the flow, and so I trust fully. By the act of resisting -ever so slightly- what is, you take away the trust. If you did trust there would be no reason for you to intervene, to distrust, to make criteria for “trust” and so on. Trust and confidence go hand in hand, you can’t have one without the other.

This being said, don’t read into it too much. Don’t get stuck on definitions, because they’re like the finger pointing to the moon. Experience is what it’s all about, otherwise you’ll end up with odd definitions and nothing to back em up, no real feeling or experience.

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Profile photo of Damasias Damasias (@nan0fire) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

Thank you for the explanation nonetheless. I go about it the same way. It happens naturally. I don’t even think about it. Too bad it’s not that way for everyone.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Tine No, that’s resisting the flow.

And yes, I still trust.

Like I said, a finger pointing to the moon is not what matters, the moon is.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Tine No, then you’re seeking a result. You’re still trying to intellectually justify or seek a reason for trusting or whatever. There is no real trust in doing that.

It’s a completely different state of mind, that’s why a lot of people can’t seem to understand these things. This is the way people are conditioned these days, and it’s a huge problem, especially for the individual that is conditioned this way. Stop looking for the answers and results, and start living the questions and actions, begin in the right end.

Trying to predict and control the future isn’t healthy, resisting what is will only make you miserable. Go with the flow, use the force.

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

i think it what kind of vibe you give off.
manimal it is easy for you to trust cuz you give a strong vibe and no one is going to walk over you. or even try. so it is easy for you to trust.
for me and others like tine i guess, we have a softer vibe and it is easier to find holes in our story. bullys can see this and walk in and stamp on us.
it happens to me time after time, and then i try each time to say ok next time im not going to get walked on, im not going to trust anyone until i feel safe. but i have such an open and generous nature that it happens before i can put up a defense.not every time, but still too often.
manimal my guess is that never happens to you.

question now.. how do we change these patterns. perhaps manimal can give us some tips on that!

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

@Tine I only think about the why when I set course, then I just roll with it. I have no idea what spawned the thought process, and it doesn’t matter.

@stonedragon Do I trust because of my vibe, or do I have my vibe because I trust? Think about that one for a while…

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Profile photo of Milo Milo (@milo) 3 years, 3 months ago ago

This is a good thread. I read the posts. I think I grasp what it is being discussed. I just trust people because it takes less energy than harboring distrust. I’d like to use that energy on the things in my control. There may be better reason to do it but that’s the main one I’ve thought about.

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