Hello all, this is my first post so I hope I’m using this accurately. A good friend of mine told me about this site and I appreciate what it’s about. Pleasure to meet you in advance.
There are two ways to trust someone, right? Trust until it’s broken, or wait for them to gain your trust. How do I trust? Keeping a balance between the two?
I have always been a trusting person, almost too trusting of others. It’s gotten me hurt, cheated on, and taken advantage of. Through bad relationships, broken friendships, selfishness, and lies, I’ve learned to have almost no hope in trusting anyone… sometimes even my family.
Is it right for me to feel this way? To always hope for the best but expect the worst in people? How do I fully trust my new girlfriend without thinking insecurely (that she’s keeping her options open, willing to leave if she meets someone new/better, etc.)? When can I feel comfortable and be worry-free about her or anyone I surround myself with? Is this realistic of me or pessimistic?
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Trust someone a little and then see what they do with it.
Often, when people break your trust it’s because you’ve given them a responsibility that they can’t handle. Why isn’t your girlfriend worried that you might be keeping your options open and will be willing to leave if someone better comes along? If you are relying on her for your self-worth or your self-esteem, that is a responsibility that it is not fair to put on someone else.
Good luck with all that… I think you’ll figure it out. :)
This is a good thread. I read the posts. I think I grasp what it is being discussed. I just trust people because it takes less energy than harboring distrust. I’d like to use that energy on the things in my control. There may be better reason to do it but that’s the main one I’ve thought about.
I think to trust fully, you have to know that even if someone hurts you, you’ll be ok. Which, like was said by a couple people earlier, means trusting in yourself ultimately. You take away from meaningful interactions and connections by intellectualizing and sizing up the person involved’s “trustability”.
Would you rather enjoy your time with someone while you have it and possibly get hurt in the end, but know you got the most out of it that you could? Or spend valuable time with them worrying and most likely creating a problem that ends up being the end of the relationship?(and most likely regretting it for a while after).
I trust, completely. Not through some bullshit method, and there is no justification needed for trust. If you don’t trust, you lack confidence and positivity, this is bad for you and for those in your proximity. As long as you don’t trust you have no real confidence and you are in fear.
What do you mean “play well with others?” If you mean collaboration, I’m very good at it. If you mean social stuff, well I seem to be quite good at that too considering all the people at my side. What exactly do you mean and what do you base that assumption on?
I do not describe the world negatively, I would never do that. There is nothing to be careful about, careful is just another word for scared and distrustful.
I once heard a story about the right lessons to learn when someone betrays your trust…
There were once two students walking down a forest path on their way back to their monastery (yep its a fable). On their way, an old man blocked the path. He called the two young students over, pretending to need help.
Once they were near him, he pulled out a sword and demanded all their money. He was really a bandit in disguise.
The two robbed students made it back to the monastery and told their teacher their tale, distressed. Their teacher asked them what they had learned from the experience.
The first replied that he had learned to never trust strangers. He was sent away from the monastery to find a different life.
The second replied that he had learned to expect the unexpected. He stayed for many more years.
What do you guys think of this story? I think the moral is good – you shouldn’t learn that strangers aren’t to be trusted, maybe you should simply learn that you were more vulnerable than you thought you were.
And in the meantime I think it’s good to keep an eye out, like you Tine :)
@Tine No, then you’re seeking a result. You’re still trying to intellectually justify or seek a reason for trusting or whatever. There is no real trust in doing that.
It’s a completely different state of mind, that’s why a lot of people can’t seem to understand these things. This is the way people are conditioned these days, and it’s a huge problem, especially for the individual that is conditioned this way. Stop looking for the answers and results, and start living the questions and actions, begin in the right end.
Trying to predict and control the future isn’t healthy, resisting what is will only make you miserable. Go with the flow, use the force.
@Tine Sounds a lot like my past too. But being a mean, deceptive, manipulative douchebag taught me how these people are. I can almost smell it, it’s easy to notice if people have an agenda. That doesn’t mean distrusting them is right, you just shouldn’t give them the opportunities to abuse you. It takes two people for that to happen. And by being proactive and assertive and confident (trusting) a lot of people will be forced into being trustworthy around you.
@stonedragon There is no why. The trust is a cause, not an effect. If someone walks over me I’ll just shrug em off, no big deal. Everyone gets walked on every now and then, there’s no reason to get upset, it’s just something that happens. Either you’re at peace with the world, or you’re resisting what is, and all negative emotion comes from the latter one.
@Tine there are no contradiction on my side, only on yours.
You do not trust completely at all if that’s how you do it. You don’t even know what trusting completely is if that’s how you do it. You have no idea.
How do you know who to trust? Just trust. The only person you’re doubting is yourself.
No screening process is required, and that’s not foolish at all. The foolish thing to do is to screen for “trustworthiness.” That’s nothing but fear and weakness.
i think it what kind of vibe you give off.
manimal it is easy for you to trust cuz you give a strong vibe and no one is going to walk over you. or even try. so it is easy for you to trust.
for me and others like tine i guess, we have a softer vibe and it is easier to find holes in our story. bullys can see this and walk in and stamp on us.
it happens to me time after time, and then i try each time to say ok next time im not going to get walked on, im not going to trust anyone until i feel safe. but i have such an open and generous nature that it happens before i can put up a defense.not every time, but still too often.
manimal my guess is that never happens to you.
question now.. how do we change these patterns. perhaps manimal can give us some tips on that!
manimal that is alot to think about there. for me it makes sence what you said. ‘you shouldnt give them opportunites to abuse you]
that is my problem
last winter i had a guy come and want to rent my small house, next door. i told him the terms over and over and how much he was gonna have to pay for the gas. and then i trusted him. we even signed a paper, not legal but a paper.
then i had an operation on my ankle and couldnt walk all winter, and he knew that i was stuck in the house.
so he never paid the rent, or the gas and left when i was finally able to walk. so i couldnt catch him.
no big deal , just about 2000 euro. but it pisses me off. but now i rented out again to another guy and he is sweet and i trust him and he pays me. so i dont stop trusting either. but i get burned.
it is all in the attitude i figured out. i have to not attract bullys to me. stop being the soft woman victum.
HOW to trust must be in your ATTITUDE….
Say a woman who trusts completely, like you said, needs help holding her baby – she gives it to some random man on the street, and because she trusts completely, she trusts him.
Okay, man kills the baby, sad story end.
Seems like I’m reading too literally, but you can you perhaps elaborate a little bit? Unless of course, this is what your concept of all trusting condones?
@Tine I only think about the why when I set course, then I just roll with it. I have no idea what spawned the thought process, and it doesn’t matter.
@stonedragon Do I trust because of my vibe, or do I have my vibe because I trust? Think about that one for a while…
first off, given what I can take from what you said….seems like you’ve had a hard life, wih that said insecurity is only natural and you should not beat yourself up over it. since you obviously want to feel secure enough to trust people, you have to first bolster your confidence, truly believe that you can “handle whatever they could throw at you”, which will no doubt take some time but it’ll be worth it in the end. and again, it is ok to be guarded as long as you arent emotionally unavailable to your new girlfriend or whoever else you encounter.
all this said, you’ll be ok and as long as you believe that you are strong enough to deal with the possibility of heartache, you can grow to trust others again
The act of pulling away from someone who is harming you due to a pattern they have demonstrated that clearly shows why they are around you, is what I mean by “Trusting Less”.
tine give me an example of this…. i dont understand what you mean here. is it in terms of personal relationships?
One of my friends has recently started ruminating upon the idea that everyone thinks everyone else is an idiot unless they agree with them. I personally don’t accept that statement because you can disagree with someone in one area, yet still respect them as a whole. I think the former kind of goes along with mistrust in a way that you can’t be certain if someone is worthy of your opinion of what it trustworthy. However, I still do not trust anyone for the fact that I am not certain if they are living in the same reality as I. Does my opinion on trust conflict with my opinion on friends’ statement?
Trust comes from within your self. To be trusting of others is to be trustful of your self. Have confidence in your instinct and let go of your bad habits. Surround yourself only with people you love. You don’t have to trust everyone.
If you never lose your honesty, you have no fear of losing trust.
@Tine That’s the whole problem. “I do not think…” That’s exactly why you’re wrong. It’s all belief, no reference and no actual knowledge of the facts. I’m speaking from experience and action, you’re not. All you have is theories, you live in a false idea of reality.
…PHEW. A lot to take in. I appreciate the passion and time you guys have all spent.
If I were to dumb it down into ONE long sentence from what I think you all are trying to say…
“Trust away, but be cautious of the intent and nature of others (what I feel from @Tine) and to also, in the end, not let it get to you / not care if someone distrusts you, that it’s just a part of life. (what I feel from @Manimal).
Does this seem right?
@Tine It’s the process I have in general. And I don’t have much of an idea of trust, ideas about things like these only seem to diffuse one’s vision and make one chase illusions.
“Well, telling others how you arrived at the conclusions, the thoughts and ideas that led to the epiphany, is really the only way we can fully understand what you mean”
Not at all. It’s about experience, not understanding someone’s words. Moon-pointing-finger-etc again. As for the definitions, forget the definitions. Finger and moon yet again.