How do I trust?

This is a good thread. I read the posts. I think I grasp what it is being discussed. I just trust people because it takes less energy than harboring distrust. I’d like to use that energy on the things in my control. There may be better reason to do it but that’s the main one I’ve thought about.

@Tine That depends on what happens, what is an appropriate response. “Being water” like in that old Bruce Lee quote. This is beginning to stray from the topic.

@stonedragon Well, kind of. But if people are such asswipes, why should that affect you and not the other way around?

@Tine WTH no!! Not at all. There is no “how much I trust,” I just trust. My trust isn’t betrayed. Why would I betray it?

@Tine I can’t remember him ever stealing from me, and I don’t imagine such scenarios. Why would I do that? And if someone does something bad I do not trust less. (lol i could trust him to be bad, you know jk) I don’t let anyone (or anything exterior for that matter) get to me, my deep state remains unshaken. I’m at peace. Trust is a fundamental core characteristic, it should be a cause and not an effect.

@stonedragon I doubt there’s anyone who runs when they see me. I get approached by a lot of dickbags. But I don’t give them any power.

@Tine Sounds a lot like my past too. But being a mean, deceptive, manipulative douchebag taught me how these people are. I can almost smell it, it’s easy to notice if people have an agenda. That doesn’t mean distrusting them is right, you just shouldn’t give them the opportunities to abuse you. It takes two people for that to happen. And by being proactive and assertive and confident (trusting) a lot of people will be forced into being trustworthy around you.

@stonedragon There is no why. The trust is a cause, not an effect. If someone walks over me I’ll just shrug em off, no big deal. Everyone gets walked on every now and then, there’s no reason to get upset, it’s just something that happens. Either you’re at peace with the world, or you’re resisting what is, and all negative emotion comes from the latter one.

@ tine
The act of pulling away from someone who is harming you due to a pattern they have demonstrated that clearly shows why they are around you, is what I mean by “Trusting Less”.

tine give me an example of this…. i dont understand what you mean here. is it in terms of personal relationships?

ellie i think what yo said here really awnsers the type of question that the guy who started this discussion was asking. it is in regard to a personal relationship not the kind of general trusting like i am referring to. and i agree with you , but i feel also that after 30 years of marriage and a cheating husband who i actually never trusted that the whole story sucks for me.
this trusting issue is a sore point for me, and one i have not much grip on as yet. you ask.
Would you rather enjoy your time with someone while you have it and possibly get hurt in the end, but know you got the most out of it that you could?|
i say yes. in fact i did get the most out of the whole thing i could have. i learned a whole lot and lived a huge amount of experiences, i loved him and still do, and had three amazing kids. yes ellie the awnser is yes.

Tine, damn I am sorry you had that experience. But I bet you’re glad you did, in retrospect. I think not jumping the gun was a good approach.

@tine Good story bro! (and I mean it). I understand better now where you’re coming from. Makes me sad to see how badly people use friendship and credulousness of someone else. People that don’t have their primary needs met, will go well out of their way to get it. He had a motive and it wasn’t exactly only friendship. I know these “Matts”. You can feel in your gut something is off, but they somehow manage to make you feel bad if you don’t let them into your home, for example by evoking feelings of compassion etc.
I’m not sure but maybe you can avoid such situations in the future by saying “no” to people you feel there’s something off about them? (I see this movie in my mind where telling this Mattperson instead of coming in: Nah I’m not feeling it, my gut tells me you’re not actually my friend, sorry!)
Eventhough you experienced all of this, do you harbour a slight feeling of distrust now to anyone you meet ?

I once heard a story about the right lessons to learn when someone betrays your trust…

There were once two students walking down a forest path on their way back to their monastery (yep its a fable). On their way, an old man blocked the path. He called the two young students over, pretending to need help.

Once they were near him, he pulled out a sword and demanded all their money. He was really a bandit in disguise.

The two robbed students made it back to the monastery and told their teacher their tale, distressed. Their teacher asked them what they had learned from the experience.

The first replied that he had learned to never trust strangers. He was sent away from the monastery to find a different life.

The second replied that he had learned to expect the unexpected. He stayed for many more years.

What do you guys think of this story? I think the moral is good – you shouldn’t learn that strangers aren’t to be trusted, maybe you should simply learn that you were more vulnerable than you thought you were.

And in the meantime I think it’s good to keep an eye out, like you Tine :)

thanks for the great story tine
i guess it shows we gotta follow our gut reaction and be careful. in my case if i had done that it would have worked out better too….
jake happy to see you back.