Hello all, this is my first post so I hope I’m using this accurately. A good friend of mine told me about this site and I appreciate what it’s about. Pleasure to meet you in advance.
There are two ways to trust someone, right? Trust until it’s broken, or wait for them to gain your trust. How do I trust? Keeping a balance between the two?
I have always been a trusting person, almost too trusting of others. It’s gotten me hurt, cheated on, and taken advantage of. Through bad relationships, broken friendships, selfishness, and lies, I’ve learned to have almost no hope in trusting anyone… sometimes even my family.
Is it right for me to feel this way? To always hope for the best but expect the worst in people? How do I fully trust my new girlfriend without thinking insecurely (that she’s keeping her options open, willing to leave if she meets someone new/better, etc.)? When can I feel comfortable and be worry-free about her or anyone I surround myself with? Is this realistic of me or pessimistic?
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I would like to hear what Manimal has to say about trust. I think of myself as a trusting person, trusting blindly almost, I believe in the innate goodness of people; I don’t gauge/test their trustworthyness either. I basically use my gut feeling. Although I think I understand the kind of trust you (@manimal) is talking about, maybe you could give me an example. Like: a person comes into your life, do you trust this person immediately? and what does trust entail for you?
@peddyjoonam, I think people meant, trust. You’ll either get what you expected (in this case-good for you, you got what you wanted) or you’ll end up hurt and if you do, it’s good- you’ll learn from it. In other words, live life with all its shit.
You can only trust or distrust yourself, although most people fool themselves into thinking they do it to eachother. Always trust, that’s it. There is no method, you just do it. It’s as simple as it gets.
Not trusting is fear, nothing but fear. VERY irrational fear, of pointless things. Yeah, you may get your feelings hurt, boohoo, it’s a fucking good thing. Stop clinging to your whiny ego, stop protecting it. Start living.
@stonedragon Well, kind of. But if people are such asswipes, why should that affect you and not the other way around?
@Tine WTH no!! Not at all. There is no “how much I trust,” I just trust. My trust isn’t betrayed. Why would I betray it?
You can trust someone to the fullest if you know/understand them to the fullest. If you can answer ‘yes’ to the fact that you know/understand your girlfriend, then you do trust her. Its just the past that keeps your trust issues lingering. Its hard to let go of the past because you have probably been so hurt and broken, but allowing yourself to trust her, is allowing you to move on.
@Tine I think that story is a proof of what Manimal was saying. You were THINKING about trusting him…. when you should have been FEELING. Thinking he was ur friend was the problem. I bet you could feel that there was something wrong, but ignored it on account of what you thought. Would you agree?
@Damasias If a person comes into my life this person is trusted. I do not actively do anything, trust isn’t something you do, it’s something that happens automatically unless your ego gets in the way. There are no criteria for this trust, neither do I have any expectations. I don’t resist what is, I go with the flow, and so I trust fully. By the act of resisting -ever so slightly- what is, you take away the trust. If you did trust there would be no reason for you to intervene, to distrust, to make criteria for “trust” and so on. Trust and confidence go hand in hand, you can’t have one without the other.
This being said, don’t read into it too much. Don’t get stuck on definitions, because they’re like the finger pointing to the moon. Experience is what it’s all about, otherwise you’ll end up with odd definitions and nothing to back em up, no real feeling or experience.
yes indeed manimal spell it out.
you say you dont get wiped out cuz you trust.
and i say the asswipes see you are tough as a lion and they run when they see you. so only the nice guys approuch you and dont betray you cuz you are fierce.
now tine how is it that you and me get wiped out one time in two…..
we also trust . that is not the point here. trusting or not.
it is how we come across. like suckers or people that refuse to be walked over..
@tine Good story bro! (and I mean it). I understand better now where you’re coming from. Makes me sad to see how badly people use friendship and credulousness of someone else. People that don’t have their primary needs met, will go well out of their way to get it. He had a motive and it wasn’t exactly only friendship. I know these “Matts”. You can feel in your gut something is off, but they somehow manage to make you feel bad if you don’t let them into your home, for example by evoking feelings of compassion etc.
I’m not sure but maybe you can avoid such situations in the future by saying “no” to people you feel there’s something off about them? (I see this movie in my mind where telling this Mattperson instead of coming in: Nah I’m not feeling it, my gut tells me you’re not actually my friend, sorry!)
Eventhough you experienced all of this, do you harbour a slight feeling of distrust now to anyone you meet ?
@Tine I can’t remember him ever stealing from me, and I don’t imagine such scenarios. Why would I do that? And if someone does something bad I do not trust less. (lol i could trust him to be bad, you know jk) I don’t let anyone (or anything exterior for that matter) get to me, my deep state remains unshaken. I’m at peace. Trust is a fundamental core characteristic, it should be a cause and not an effect.
@stonedragon I doubt there’s anyone who runs when they see me. I get approached by a lot of dickbags. But I don’t give them any power.
It’s right there in the post you claimed to agree with. “There is no method.” Haha, this is hilarious.
Also, there’s nothing genuine about such behaviour. Reaction seeking, egocentric and fearful is what it really is.
I don’t quite know what to say here :) Ummm I don’t trust anyone. When I try to explain this to people they think it sounds cold….but it’s not. I tell you I’m one of the warmest people you’d ever meet in your life. I think in not placing ‘trust,’ I’m freeing anyone from any sort of burden (however tiny it may be) of ‘having to live up to something I expect from them.’
This isn’t bc I’ve been burned (well I have a few times, but that’s not why)…or am afraid of anything. I don’t see the need to.. at all? I think in placing trust in something you’re placing some sort of artificial obligation on it/them, you’re making things more complicated than they need to be. I think in a way, trust = expectation. I don’t have expectations. (Christ has anyone read the 4 agreements?!)
tine i start to understand you more now. it is as if you grew from the asswipe into the trustworthy guy that understands the asswipes and is there for cautious of them.
that is indeed a wise progression. you should be therefore qualified to advice the gentleman who posted this question.
and manimal. why are you so trusting then. what happens to you when you get walked on. or does that not happen. do you never break your heart. you have said that many times. that it is just ego. etc. that means nothing to me.
i get my heart broken so much. and everytime i fall into the trap/
both of you guys can teach me something here.
I trust, completely. Not through some bullshit method, and there is no justification needed for trust. If you don’t trust, you lack confidence and positivity, this is bad for you and for those in your proximity. As long as you don’t trust you have no real confidence and you are in fear.
What do you mean “play well with others?” If you mean collaboration, I’m very good at it. If you mean social stuff, well I seem to be quite good at that too considering all the people at my side. What exactly do you mean and what do you base that assumption on?
I do not describe the world negatively, I would never do that. There is nothing to be careful about, careful is just another word for scared and distrustful.
I once heard a story about the right lessons to learn when someone betrays your trust…
There were once two students walking down a forest path on their way back to their monastery (yep its a fable). On their way, an old man blocked the path. He called the two young students over, pretending to need help.
Once they were near him, he pulled out a sword and demanded all their money. He was really a bandit in disguise.
The two robbed students made it back to the monastery and told their teacher their tale, distressed. Their teacher asked them what they had learned from the experience.
The first replied that he had learned to never trust strangers. He was sent away from the monastery to find a different life.
The second replied that he had learned to expect the unexpected. He stayed for many more years.
What do you guys think of this story? I think the moral is good – you shouldn’t learn that strangers aren’t to be trusted, maybe you should simply learn that you were more vulnerable than you thought you were.
And in the meantime I think it’s good to keep an eye out, like you Tine :)
@Tine No, then you’re seeking a result. You’re still trying to intellectually justify or seek a reason for trusting or whatever. There is no real trust in doing that.
It’s a completely different state of mind, that’s why a lot of people can’t seem to understand these things. This is the way people are conditioned these days, and it’s a huge problem, especially for the individual that is conditioned this way. Stop looking for the answers and results, and start living the questions and actions, begin in the right end.
Trying to predict and control the future isn’t healthy, resisting what is will only make you miserable. Go with the flow, use the force.