How do I trust?

2 years, 11 months ago

Hello all, this is my first post so I hope I’m using this accurately. A good friend of mine told me about this site and I appreciate what it’s about. Pleasure to meet you in advance.

There are two ways to trust someone, right? Trust until it’s broken, or wait for them to gain your trust. How do I trust? Keeping a balance between the two?

I have always been a trusting person, almost too trusting of others. It’s gotten me hurt, cheated on, and taken advantage of. Through bad relationships, broken friendships, selfishness, and lies, I’ve learned to have almost no hope in trusting anyone… sometimes even my family.

Is it right for me to feel this way? To always hope for the best but expect the worst in people? How do I fully trust my new girlfriend without thinking insecurely (that she’s keeping her options open, willing to leave if she meets someone new/better, etc.)? When can I feel comfortable and be worry-free about her or anyone I surround myself with? Is this realistic of me or pessimistic?

January 18, 2012 at 4:18 am

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@Tine It’s the process I have in general. And I don’t have much of an idea of trust, ideas about things like these only seem to diffuse one’s vision and make one chase illusions.

“Well, telling others how you arrived at the conclusions, the thoughts and ideas that led to the epiphany, is really the only way we can fully understand what you mean”

Not at all. It’s about experience, not understanding someone’s words. Moon-pointing-finger-etc again. As for the definitions, forget the definitions. Finger and moon yet again.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@Tine That depends on what happens, what is an appropriate response. “Being water” like in that old Bruce Lee quote. This is beginning to stray from the topic.

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

the world is basically wicked and most people are asswipes.
that is my experience guys.
but take it as it comes, that is what you are saying manimal?
and hope not to get wiped out. right>??

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@stonedragon Well, kind of. But if people are such asswipes, why should that affect you and not the other way around?

@Tine WTH no!! Not at all. There is no “how much I trust,” I just trust. My trust isn’t betrayed. Why would I betray it?

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

yes indeed manimal spell it out.
you say you dont get wiped out cuz you trust.
and i say the asswipes see you are tough as a lion and they run when they see you. so only the nice guys approuch you and dont betray you cuz you are fierce.

now tine how is it that you and me get wiped out one time in two…..
we also trust . that is not the point here. trusting or not.
it is how we come across. like suckers or people that refuse to be walked over..

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@Tine I can’t remember him ever stealing from me, and I don’t imagine such scenarios. Why would I do that? And if someone does something bad I do not trust less. (lol i could trust him to be bad, you know jk) I don’t let anyone (or anything exterior for that matter) get to me, my deep state remains unshaken. I’m at peace. Trust is a fundamental core characteristic, it should be a cause and not an effect.

@stonedragon I doubt there’s anyone who runs when they see me. I get approached by a lot of dickbags. But I don’t give them any power.

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

tine i start to understand you more now. it is as if you grew from the asswipe into the trustworthy guy that understands the asswipes and is there for cautious of them.
that is indeed a wise progression. you should be therefore qualified to advice the gentleman who posted this question.

and manimal. why are you so trusting then. what happens to you when you get walked on. or does that not happen. do you never break your heart. you have said that many times. that it is just ego. etc. that means nothing to me.
i get my heart broken so much. and everytime i fall into the trap/

both of you guys can teach me something here.

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Profile photo of ELI var namnet ELI var namnet (@manimal) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@Tine Sounds a lot like my past too. But being a mean, deceptive, manipulative douchebag taught me how these people are. I can almost smell it, it’s easy to notice if people have an agenda. That doesn’t mean distrusting them is right, you just shouldn’t give them the opportunities to abuse you. It takes two people for that to happen. And by being proactive and assertive and confident (trusting) a lot of people will be forced into being trustworthy around you.

@stonedragon There is no why. The trust is a cause, not an effect. If someone walks over me I’ll just shrug em off, no big deal. Everyone gets walked on every now and then, there’s no reason to get upset, it’s just something that happens. Either you’re at peace with the world, or you’re resisting what is, and all negative emotion comes from the latter one.

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

manimal that is alot to think about there. for me it makes sence what you said. ‘you shouldnt give them opportunites to abuse you]
that is my problem
for example.
last winter i had a guy come and want to rent my small house, next door. i told him the terms over and over and how much he was gonna have to pay for the gas. and then i trusted him. we even signed a paper, not legal but a paper.
then i had an operation on my ankle and couldnt walk all winter, and he knew that i was stuck in the house.
so he never paid the rent, or the gas and left when i was finally able to walk. so i couldnt catch him.
no big deal , just about 2000 euro. but it pisses me off. but now i rented out again to another guy and he is sweet and i trust him and he pays me. so i dont stop trusting either. but i get burned.
it is all in the attitude i figured out. i have to not attract bullys to me. stop being the soft woman victum.
HOW to trust must be in your ATTITUDE….

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@ tine
The act of pulling away from someone who is harming you due to a pattern they have demonstrated that clearly shows why they are around you, is what I mean by “Trusting Less”.

tine give me an example of this…. i dont understand what you mean here. is it in terms of personal relationships?

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Profile photo of Ellie Ellie M (@tangledupinplaid21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

I think to trust fully, you have to know that even if someone hurts you, you’ll be ok. Which, like was said by a couple people earlier, means trusting in yourself ultimately. You take away from meaningful interactions and connections by intellectualizing and sizing up the person involved’s “trustability”.

Would you rather enjoy your time with someone while you have it and possibly get hurt in the end, but know you got the most out of it that you could? Or spend valuable time with them worrying and most likely creating a problem that ends up being the end of the relationship?(and most likely regretting it for a while after).

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

ellie i think what yo said here really awnsers the type of question that the guy who started this discussion was asking. it is in regard to a personal relationship not the kind of general trusting like i am referring to. and i agree with you , but i feel also that after 30 years of marriage and a cheating husband who i actually never trusted that the whole story sucks for me.
this trusting issue is a sore point for me, and one i have not much grip on as yet. you ask.
Would you rather enjoy your time with someone while you have it and possibly get hurt in the end, but know you got the most out of it that you could?|
i say yes. in fact i did get the most out of the whole thing i could have. i learned a whole lot and lived a huge amount of experiences, i loved him and still do, and had three amazing kids. yes ellie the awnser is yes.

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Profile photo of jake arends jake arends (@jakexx) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

It´s beuatiful how people express themselves.

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Profile photo of Ellie Ellie M (@tangledupinplaid21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

Tine, damn I am sorry you had that experience. But I bet you’re glad you did, in retrospect. I think not jumping the gun was a good approach.

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Profile photo of Jeremy Jeremy C (@chadvice) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@Tine I think that story is a proof of what Manimal was saying. You were THINKING about trusting him…. when you should have been FEELING. Thinking he was ur friend was the problem. I bet you could feel that there was something wrong, but ignored it on account of what you thought. Would you agree?

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Profile photo of Damasias Damasias (@nan0fire) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

@tine Good story bro! (and I mean it). I understand better now where you’re coming from. Makes me sad to see how badly people use friendship and credulousness of someone else. People that don’t have their primary needs met, will go well out of their way to get it. He had a motive and it wasn’t exactly only friendship. I know these “Matts”. You can feel in your gut something is off, but they somehow manage to make you feel bad if you don’t let them into your home, for example by evoking feelings of compassion etc.
I’m not sure but maybe you can avoid such situations in the future by saying “no” to people you feel there’s something off about them? (I see this movie in my mind where telling this Mattperson instead of coming in: Nah I’m not feeling it, my gut tells me you’re not actually my friend, sorry!)
Eventhough you experienced all of this, do you harbour a slight feeling of distrust now to anyone you meet ?

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Profile photo of Em Em (@emily) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

I don’t quite know what to say here :) Ummm I don’t trust anyone. When I try to explain this to people they think it sounds cold….but it’s not. I tell you I’m one of the warmest people you’d ever meet in your life. I think in not placing ‘trust,’ I’m freeing anyone from any sort of burden (however tiny it may be) of ‘having to live up to something I expect from them.’
This isn’t bc I’ve been burned (well I have a few times, but that’s not why)…or am afraid of anything. I don’t see the need to.. at all? I think in placing trust in something you’re placing some sort of artificial obligation on it/them, you’re making things more complicated than they need to be. I think in a way, trust = expectation. I don’t have expectations. (Christ has anyone read the 4 agreements?!)

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Profile photo of BirdFlyingHigh BirdFlyingHigh (@birdflyinghigh) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

I once heard a story about the right lessons to learn when someone betrays your trust…

There were once two students walking down a forest path on their way back to their monastery (yep its a fable). On their way, an old man blocked the path. He called the two young students over, pretending to need help.

Once they were near him, he pulled out a sword and demanded all their money. He was really a bandit in disguise.

The two robbed students made it back to the monastery and told their teacher their tale, distressed. Their teacher asked them what they had learned from the experience.

The first replied that he had learned to never trust strangers. He was sent away from the monastery to find a different life.

The second replied that he had learned to expect the unexpected. He stayed for many more years.

What do you guys think of this story? I think the moral is good – you shouldn’t learn that strangers aren’t to be trusted, maybe you should simply learn that you were more vulnerable than you thought you were.

And in the meantime I think it’s good to keep an eye out, like you Tine :)

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Profile photo of BirdFlyingHigh BirdFlyingHigh (@birdflyinghigh) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

Or maybe it is that trusting someone is not the same thing as acting like they are harmless. I don’t know.

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Profile photo of stonedragon stonedragon (@stonedragon21) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

thanks for the great story tine
i guess it shows we gotta follow our gut reaction and be careful. in my case if i had done that it would have worked out better too….
jake happy to see you back.

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Profile photo of animus animus (@animus) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

One of my friends has recently started ruminating upon the idea that everyone thinks everyone else is an idiot unless they agree with them. I personally don’t accept that statement because you can disagree with someone in one area, yet still respect them as a whole. I think the former kind of goes along with mistrust in a way that you can’t be certain if someone is worthy of your opinion of what it trustworthy. However, I still do not trust anyone for the fact that I am not certain if they are living in the same reality as I. Does my opinion on trust conflict with my opinion on friends’ statement?

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Profile photo of Pedram Pedram (@peddyjoonam) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

…PHEW. A lot to take in. I appreciate the passion and time you guys have all spent.

If I were to dumb it down into ONE long sentence from what I think you all are trying to say…

“Trust away, but be cautious of the intent and nature of others (what I feel from @Tine) and to also, in the end, not let it get to you / not care if someone distrusts you, that it’s just a part of life. (what I feel from @Manimal).

Does this seem right?

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Profile photo of ReadingHearts ReadingHearts (@RanaKhalil) 1 year, 4 months ago ago

@peddyjoonam, I feel you.

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Profile photo of ReadingHearts ReadingHearts (@RanaKhalil) 1 year, 4 months ago ago

@peddyjoonam, I think people meant, trust. You’ll either get what you expected (in this case-good for you, you got what you wanted) or you’ll end up hurt and if you do, it’s good- you’ll learn from it. In other words, live life with all its shit.

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