How do you Listen?

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Skye (@skye)    1 year, 7 months ago

When I am talking to a person and they are saying things that upset me, that I already know, or are uninteresting to me I sort of…. I guess tune them out. Instead of listening to the person, I feel like I am more or less waiting for my turn to speak. Maybe I do this because it frustrates me for people to talk to me as if I were dim.

How do you control your inner rage or keep yourself engaged in a conversation that you can’t keep the same ‘beat’ with?

2 votes, posted 12.31.2012 at 11:24 pm
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Anonymous (@)1 year, 7 months ago ago

Be interested in the person talking to you. Every word they say shows you more about who they are.

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Alex (@staylucky)1 year, 7 months ago ago

I have a bad habit of already thinking up what I am going to say regardless of who I am speaking with. Even if it’s a great conversation I have a tendency to build up my response with any relevant information while the other person is talking, and therefore not really absorbing everything as well as I can.

This frustrates me a lot and it is something I am working on.

As for being stuck talking with idiots: If they’re nice and just a bit dim then I will humour them but not really respond a lot, so as to not drag it out any longer than it needs to be. If they’re flat out ignorant and potentially aggressive then I will do pretty much the same thing. If they’re dumbasses and the same size as me then I will usually let it slide unless they don’t shut up, then I will ark up. I don’t like to be rude to people, regardless of how they are acting, but if I get pushed too far I will not hesitate to put somebody in their place.

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Skye (@skye)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@staylucky, I feel the same way. It’s like if I am trying to make someone hear out my point and they refuse to listen to what I am saying, I tend to do the same.

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Ray Butler (@trek79)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@skye, Each person is at their own level. Some reach an understanding and do not see anything more relevant than it. It can take some time for any two people to get on the same page, but then some people are not capable of certain levels of understanding, where the ego of others demands they only listen to themselves yet they are interested in divulging what they know.
I am not a big communicater in my real world life because I know people are on their own journey of discovery, I’d hate for someone to give me all the answers I don’t have because I would feel robbed of the adventure of discovery. I only make simple and obvious points to people because even though they likely know what I say, quite often they need reminding.
That is the problem with knowledge, we gain so much of it that we lose the simplest and most important truths in the mess.

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Filip (@filipek)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@skye, I think it is time to look at the relationships you have established. Most of the time when these kind of things happen to me I am either not interested in the person or in the things they are talking about. Either way it is a waste of time staying in situations like that.

Easiest thing to do is quitting the conversation and/or telling your partner that you are not interested in this subject and/or want to talk about something else.

Why suffer? Why doing things you do not want to do?

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Aline (@aleen)1 year, 7 months ago ago

I keep on listening most of the time, thing could become interesting! Or if i alreadyknow the subject, i tell them i already knew that and then, the conversation keep on going!

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)1 year, 7 months ago ago

I can’t say exactly how I listen, it’s different in different social situations. For some strange reason I never regret not listening at all, only the times when I wanted to but am not capable of.
@frustratedpanda, This is very true. Lately I’ve been a witness to some ridiculously dramatic statements about me and was wondering if the senders realize that they perceive things very differently from me. Probably not, the point is that sometimes @skye, if something upsets you, you can simply ask them if they want you to be upset. Reasonable, right? For example when I “fail” at something and then laugh about it, and someone asks me “why are you so happy (you’re supposed to be miserable)”, it’s perfectly clear that they expect me to feel bad, these fucking bastards. :D I think it’s more frustrating to listen to someone full of shit than wanting someone to stop ignoring you, you can always grab their attention.

Thou shall not take things too seriously.

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H+E+R=O (@tony1)1 year, 7 months ago ago

I hear you… I was EXACTLY the same with conversations many years ago and took a long hard look at lessons and courses to tune this and get to the source of my issues with communications (particularly important since I manage TEAMS of people up to 200 at a time!)

I found that this takes a ‘BRING NOTHING TO THE CONVERSATION’ context… You know – The ‘I already know what they are going to say….yadi, yadi’ inner dialog that you might be able to hear yourself saying to ‘yourself’… These are your ‘already prepared’ VIEWS on what you THINK they are going to think, say and do… of course, this ‘noise’ all gets in the way of REAL communication!

Listening, REALLY listening – takes an intent to BRING NOTHING to the conversation. Bring none of your PAST thoughts, similar discussions or experiences, bring none of your assumptions or attitudes, bring nothing of your judgments or personal choices…

Your assumptions and ideas, beliefs, social and cultural embedded-ness, and taken-for-granted assumptions through which we interpret and interact with the world, other people, and also YOURSELF > all get in the way!

This is not nearly as natural, or as easy, as it sounds by the way. This can take a lot of practice to master to ‘dull’ the inner dialog and thoughts around what someone is saying. For me – nearly 5 years of focus and I STILL find myself taking a lot to a conversations, or I ‘tune-out’ or ‘(over)react’ (rather than respond after thought). The difference is that NOW – I can CATCH myself in that moment and RE-focus back on what the person is SAYING and what they are TELLING me (sometimes two very different things!)

I am really getting there though and the conversations now bring up SO much more (as you might expect)… I am INTERESTED in what people have to say, and I SHOW it…. I do not JUDGE and I am always seeking to ADD VALUE to that person, their conversation and their own journey in life.

And, and you might expect, managing teams of hundreds of people is a BREEZE for me now…!

Of course, when you can bring NOTHING to a conversation, when you can be OPEN as to where the conversation might go, when you can really listen to what is being COMMUNICATED (not just what is SAID!), when you stay INTERESTED and remove YOUR personal judgments, and can remove your inner dialog/opinion about what they say – Then you are now someone people REALLY WANT to talk to as well!!!

I now constantly get people stopping me for a ‘chat’… and, I get the privilege of enriching their lives and journey (which of course enriches mine)! Very cool.

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Avatar of Max Nachamkin
Max Nachamkin (@feren6)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@skye, @filipek

It is hard to do, but it gets easier with practice.

I’d often have conflicting thoughts: on one hand, I want to be a good listener, but on other hand, I want to make sure they have the right answer if they’re saying something I disagree with.

I usually went with the latter, but then I realized that when I’d do this, people would start to close off as if they’ve been offended. I was confused at first, but I saw that the more I’d cut people off the more people would be less adverse to talking to me.

I certainly want to make sure that people know the right answer, but cutting someone off to while they’re talking is the best way to make sure you throw out any connection with that person. Seriously, it’s that powerful.

People like to talk when they’re open — and when they finally trust you enough to speak about a subject and you blow them off, what’s that telling them about you? It shows you just attacked them emotionally in a time of openness. The person will definitely become offended whether they show it or not.

Here’s the thing that took me a while to understand: when you are listening to someone who is talking about a topic that you don’t like, you’re not implying “I agree with you” just by listening. I used to think that I should spout out the right answer so that they change their mind, but that’s not how reality works.

By placing yourself in the speaker’s shoes for a minute, you’ll be able to figure out how their thought process is…and then you can DISCUSS what your view is. You aren’t trying to impose anything, but the goal is to have a discuss on these topics. You can agree, you can disagree, but whatever you think, you treat people with respect.

Listening is hard, but you have to put away your ego for the conversation and just hear someone out. You’ll make them feel more comfortable, make them feel good, and then your chances of influencing them after the fact is significantly higher.

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Skye (@skye)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@trek79, So are you saying that there will be times that you will not be able to communicate with a person due to the fact that you are on two different levels of understanding? I have a pretty good sense of what you are saying. I think. ha. I also feel that no 2 people will ever be on the same level of understanding because we all have had different experiences in our lives that have molded us to be the people we are. Even if 2 people have had all the same experiences, they have perceived them in different ways, making their understanding of things different.

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Avatar of Skye
Skye (@skye)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@filipek, Ha well some of these people may be my family members. :) But I usually do try to talk to people who understand me and vice versa. I feel like that is how friendship is born. When two people understand each other and the things they do. It’s difficult to tell your parents, siblings, and loved ones that you are quitting the conversation haha. And even if it were just a friend or stranger, I don’t think I am the type of person to be like “What you are saying to me is pretty much the most uninteresting fact that I have heard all day. Goodbye”. haha

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Skye (@skye)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@beyond, I do the same thing!!! Haha when I lose at something I always just make a disgusting face burst into laughter. Just as a natural reaction :) ANd you totally right. If people are going to say shitty things, they do it to make you feel like shit. So instead of letting them know how bad you feel. Fake it. Ah hah! :)

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Skye (@skye)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@beyond, I do the same thing!!! Haha when I lose at something I always just make a disgusting face burst into laughter. Just as a natural reaction :) ANd you totally right. If people are going to say shitty things, they do it to make you feel like shit. So instead of letting them know how bad you feel. Fake it. Ah hah! :)

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Avatar of E.C.F. Doyle
E.C.F. Doyle (@chekovchameleon)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@skye, Let them know that the way they are speaking to you frustrates you, speak your mind, “those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind”. If you are holding something in you won’t be able to concentrate on the conversation fully.

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Avatar of Beep
Beep (@twofacedmcgee)1 year, 7 months ago ago

Listening is the willingness to change, if you already know what you are going to say, you aren’t truly listening.
So in order to do this, you must drop your ego, sense of self, and just absorb everything they have to say.
I am not saying to drop your values and accept everything somebody says as truth, just have the willingness to change and you will notice more clarity in your relationships with everybody you speak with, be it your boss, or your boyfriend.

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Avatar of Ray Butler
Ray Butler (@trek79)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@skye, That’s not really what I’m saying but I may have dropped that point in there. I am talking about the ways people learn, there are different techniques for teching different types and people listening to what you say and actually absorbing the deeper meaning to it, this is one of the hardest ways to get people to understand. People deep down know this about themselves and forge understanding in alternate ways, they just don’t realize most others are the same and so get frustrated by others not understanding what they are saying.

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