The title says it all. Feel free to share any stories as well, and your opinion on whether or not adolescent “love” is really “true love”.
I saw this post at just such a time that I will take the bait. I guess I’m opening a Pandora’s box.
I think “love” can be defined several ways, and so, the answer to your question depends.I am 29 years old. These days, my definition comes straight out of Scott Peck’s “The Road Less Travelled.” This book has been instrumental in getting me through my latest existential crisis. To me, love is the unwavering dedication to the spiritual development of another, and of yourself. Love is not the feeling of being “in love” which is simply the phenomenon of the shattering of egoic boundaries. Love is hard work.
My first “love” was at 16, and with my “best friend.” It had it all, the butterflies, the sex, the completion of one another’s thoughts and sentences, etc… It lasted on and off to 21, and the thing that was lacking was the dedication to the other, outside of the self. When it ended, I endured a crushing depression. I self-medicated with more women, alcohol, and my career. I dated, but I never connected. When I turned 27, I met the woman I thought would be the mother of my children. I felt passionately and deeply in “love”. This time, I thought it was true because I was committed to her spiritual development, and still am. To me, the relationship went beyond chemistry and sex and shared interests. I wanted her to fluorish, and I thought she wanted the same to me. I thought that rather than complete each other, we should share our individual completeness together. I was devastated when she broke up with me, because she felt she couldn’t give me what I gave her. I still love her. I want the world for her. I can’t hate her and I can’t not think about her and I can’t forget her. The harder thing is “loving” myself, and that is my major focus right now. I’ve learned Spanish. I’ve trekked to Mt Everest Base Camp. I’ve camped for 7 weeks straight in the Nepali Himalayas. I’ve surfed. I’ve picked up the ukulele. I’m training as a cardiologist. I’m on two antidepressants. I meditate. I quit alcohol. I still indulge in marijuana. All those things may be making me more well rounded, but the reason I exist on this earth is to “love” – her, others, myself, everyone. So I think what I have now, but is hard, and is closer to what I feel love should be.
What I will say, to conclude, is that love is the most enriching and most painful experience in life. Good luck. Learn to appreciate the pain for the way it forces you to evolve.
I have a friend whom I believe is my soul mate. However we have both talked about the topic in depth and never had physical attraction or romantic attraction toward one another.
In the broad sense, someone hears soul mate and thinks in unbridled love. I found this to not be the case. I met him in my Freshman year of college when I was 19.
In an odd case of events, a friend that I grew up with had started dating my “soul mate.” In a very short time they found themselves to be incompatible. This friend I grew up with was a bit of a man eater, and in the series of events, chewed him, and spat him out. In the small conversations I had with him, we discovered we were interested in the same things spiritually. After a couple of months of banter that we shared about politics, religion, etc. I decided to take a shot and asked him out for coffee. What happened them strengthened our friendship because we had so much to say to one another. The conversations we have till this day get me so excited. We have both come to the conclusion that we are almost partners in crime. Every time we talk, we get closer to opening Pandoras box… or at the very least, trying to pry open our Third eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with a soul as in sync as his is with mine… and not have an ounce of physical attraction toward one another. Odd.
@whereyoulead123, At this moment in time, polyamory makes the most sense to me… I do not physically express this belief because I have a current significant other (I reject the titles boyfriend/girlfriend because it changes the relationship for me) who I prefer to spend my time with over others. However I am capable of being attracted to and loving/”liking” other people.
I have been completely upfront about this from the start, and it has caused problems a couple times. We are absolutely amazing for each other, but there are discordant areas in the dynamic, such as his insecurity and drinking problem(both things I accept but bother me at certain times), his hesitation toward spiritual things, and my ability to connect emotionally(to males especially) and be sexually attracted(to females especially) to other people.
However, he’s the first person I’ve ever been with that has passion for music that is as deep if not deeper than mine, the first musician I’ve ever been with who brings out the best of my abilities and got me back into that passion along with learning new instruments, the first person I can do paintings and drawings with(which are amazing), the first artist, first amazing cook, and we can joke around constantly which is something I missed extremely in my last relationship. I don’t like to label things but is that a “soul mate”?
Here’s an interesting quote I’ve read on the subject, what do you guys think?:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave..”
I have a feeling what I have going on is something like that, I hate to say…
i think the only soul mate in this world for me is me.
besides that, it comes down to finding someone who is the same way i am and who fits well with me. that isn’t one person, thats a group of people who have certain traits. i agree its hard to find, but there are 100s of people in the world im sure id be compatible with.
but i found my girl 1.5 years ago and i wouldnt trade her for anyone.
@mksuperman, I love this quote and couldn’t agree more.
“To me, love is the unwavering dedication to the spiritual development of another, and of yourself. Love is not the feeling of being “in love” which is simply the phenomenon of the shattering of egoic boundaries. Love is hard work.”
I felt an instant connection with what you wrote here:
” I wanted her to fluorish, and I thought she wanted the same to me. I thought that rather than complete each other, we should share our individual completeness together. ”
@tangledupinplaid21, I think that’s an amazing quote. I think a lot of people hold the idea that you have to hang on to these special people… that you can’t let these special people out of your life… you have to “fight for them.” In trying to hold on to them, I think people just push them further away.
@mksuperman, Yes, I believe in your statement. A friend and I had been recently talking about the definition of a “soul mate”. In our drunken conversation, my friend explained to me he read somewhere that a soul mate is soemone you are destined for, but may not be exactly what you had been hoping for. He said that a soul mate is someone that comes into your life, via attraction, and turns it upside down. The soul-mate reveals the flaws of yourself, as you reveal the flaws of your soulmate to themselves. The theory interested me, and the more dwell on it, the more I start to believe it, because I am more awake now than I was one year ago today.
I don’t think we have one soulmate–meaning for me, a soul’s companion on it’s journey (whatever that may be). I think they are the ones who turn our world upside down and help lead us through to new levels of understanding ourselves and the world around us, and that isn’t one person over a course of many years. It takes a village, and all that stuff. At the moment, I almost feel compelled to discuss the soulmates I have been lucky to encounter over the years, but that would probably end up as my longest post ever on here, since I’ma lready in a a rambling mood, just getting home from work at 1am on a Saturday night…yeah, I’ll probably come back to this in the morning.
But, my point is this. I consider soulmates to be people who are not always romantically involved with us because their relation to us as soulmate is beyond sex/romance. Not that it can’t be there, but I consider my best friends at various points of my lfie to be soulmates as much as a lover.
I agree with the quote you posted. I do not know what the definition of a soulmate is, and I think one’s definition of the term ‘soulmate’ differs so much as one’s definition of the term ‘God’.
Anyway, say it is this one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then the definition you mentioned is definitely something I believe in. Not only the fact that it is a mirror of your behavior and ‘helps’ you developing yourself in experience and wisdom, but also somebody who you feel compassionate, unconditional love towards, without attachment towards each other, where you simply want ‘the best’ for each other, without craving, without clinging.
But I think all our relationships with each other should be like that. But I believe in monogamy though, at some point in life. Obviously when you are young you are experimenting a lot, with various people, but at some point I think you should make a decision with whom you want to spend a significant amount of time in your life, especially when you decide to have children. I do no want to say that this should be your entire life, but at least for a time to provide your children with a safe parental environment. And yes, in this particular situation I do believe in the standard, old fashioned type of family with one male dad and one female mum.
When I was 22 :)
Before that, I used to have zero conception of what a ‘soulmate’ might be, I thought it was just a romanticised version of a best friend, and that people were making much more of the whole ‘love’ thing than it warranted.
In a way, a soulmate IS just a romanticised version of a best friend, but I find that the best way to describe it is as an extension of self in another person.
As cliché as it sounds, I found love at first sight, which then began to transform into something beautiful. I was younger than him, by 6 years, so being together was always a problem but somehow we made it work.
We’ve known eachother for 5 years now but he moved away last year to begin his life.
I think a soulmate is someone who can connect with you on more than a human contact level. Someone whom you can feel a thousand miles away, and can see no matter where you go. I think it is the purest of all relationships, it’s loving every aspect of your partners human expirience, every bit of it and finding bliss in their “flaws”. It’s a commitment between two souls that we, as humans, have no control over.
A soulmate is what I have found
When I pushed, he pulled. And I pushed hard.
In one years time, we will be ready to start living this expirience together. When we die out of our human bodies, our souls will once again find eachother.
I enjoy what you’re saying, even though your post makes me wonder if there are soul stalkers too, stalking us in the afterlife. How cool would that be? You just see someone from a previous life and go “You again? ”
What do you mean by “When I pushed, he pulled. And I pushed hard.”? Intrigues me because I had this experience which… just made me see how people can make their own reality.
I mean that there was a time when I pushed him away, but he still fought to keep it real. I was afraid to really let him in.
I do completely agree that people make their own reality.
I really like your thought on “soul stalkers”. There is really no reason as to why they are non existant. “Stalking” can’t only be a human trait!
Yeah, but why do we do this anyway? Fighting after someone pushes us like we’re delirious. My excuse is because I’m a moron. “I’ll let you go if you let me go.” yo-yo play. In my opinion, it’s like a test if a person has the capacity to love after being pushed – it’s usually a keeper. Often the pushing part is when we think we don’t deserve them in the moment. Interestingly, those who strongly believe that they can make their own reality have the biggest chance to succeed in creating this beautiful bond. Crazy bastards know what happiness is best.
I met elaine in Nairn academy at 16…we were both very shy and introvert…weve just met again at 48 i love her deeply..weev spent 5 hrs a night on facebook for 8 weeks…we met up for a chat…found out our feelings have not changed…in 29 years…we are exeptionally intertwined/linked and just ‘know’ we are soul related….its difficult to explain…maybe our energy fields are ‘complimentary’ but we are on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster…very intense and pure delicios..:)
I met him 3 years ago when I did an exchange year in California.
It was my first day of High School; I had arrived late night the day before and only got 4 hours of sleep. So, naturally, I was very exhausted when I finally got to my last class which was History. I had been very quiet all day because I was simply overwhelmed by all those new things around me and I didn’t speak English very well, either.
After class I stayed a bit longer to talk to my teacher about something – don’t ask me what it was – and started talking to the T.A., who was waiting to talk to him as well. He was the first person I approached all day, because I felt like I just had to and found him strangely interesting the moment I saw him.
Shortly after that we started seeing and texting each other as often as possible, spending whole nights discussing our views on the world, our feelings, loneliness, love, all that stuff.
From the beginning on we were able to easily tell how the other person was feeling by simply looking at each other and from that moment on I knew that he was unlike any person I had ever met before.
Sadly, he fell in love with me – for reasons I don’t understand – and he wanted a relationship, which I wasn’t quite ready for. I value a true friendship more than a relationship with kissing, sex and everything included. To me it was clear that things between us would change greatly if we were going to be a couple and therefore I told him that it “we” were impossible.
All those years, according to him, he kept loving me with a burning passion. I did love him too but not in that “relationship” kind of way. It was more like feeling our souls connecting, and I highly appreciated that… One day he explained to me that he thinks it’s unfair how I’ve been leading him on (even though it wasn’t my intention at all and besides, until then he had had 3 relationships with other girls) and that he has changed, and is no longer willing to talk to me.
It’s true, I may have acted selfishly by still wanting to stay in touch with someone to whom I couldn’t give what they needed. Truth is, I didn’t want him out of my life, since I have always felt drawn to him and couldn’t imagine a life without his presence.
After all, I am grateful to have been able to experience such intense feelings and still hope to meet him again some day :)