I am not afraid of being misunderstood. And I am not afraid of being myself, I’ve been myself my whole life. And cannot feel fear when I sense an upcoming storm that’s potentially bad for me – not a shady stare, and not a self-satisfied glimpse. I am not afraid of trying something new, unless I don’t believe it is true. And I am not afraid of being judged. Whatever it is, I can hardly budge.
I don’t care about nature or gods. And I don’t feel bad about people’s frowns and anger on the streets. But most of all, I am not afraid of imagining their heartbeats, filled with nothing except the expression of their previous deeds. And I am not afraid to die. I’ve died too many times before. Broken hearts, illnesses and the loss of my needs and even more.
I don’t care for the sky or the beauty in it. When I daydream,
I don’t even think about my well-being.
I look at a tree and try count the leaves. And that’s how I see the beauty in me.
I am not afraid of existing just for a little while, I am afraid that after all this, I may not smile.
The only thing I’m afraid of.
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@mikeyw829, The moment you realize that you always have a choice, about everything you put interest into, and work fucking hard to stay in that moment – because you really always do have a choice – then you’ll be
That’s why it makes sense to you. It’s basically practicing free will, but worth it. And it is a profound truth. Taking a time to make some sense of everything, what you want to say, what you expect/desire to happen. You have a choice, everything in the world is based on it to be created. I am excited with that realization. :)
“Every profound truth is retardedly simple, don’t underestimate the simple things.” – Manimal
@Aaron, I loved your response.
@alexa, I’ve got nothing to say to you.
@anniec, Stop fucking labeling. I would prefer to sit on a fence with a friend of mine, than believing in distractions, which eventually become illusionary hopes and obsessions.
@Em, Thank you. :)
@IJesusChrist, You are right.
@EliseTheAstronaut, You wish you were as crazy as me.
@Kyle, I don’t find it awesome. Without paying attention to HE, I’d be circling around the idea of what is like being myself and why I always listen to the “confident” people lacking competence like everyone in the fucking world. I did not describe myself. I described everyone I ever met.
You all suck. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PZWGGkrMCk
@Sasho Stoyanov, did you love it as in you pushed that little heart button or as in you considered it deeply and actually had emotional thoughts?
Also, saying you have nothing to say to someone is saying something. Felt that needed to be said, obvious though it may be. Kinda funny though. Did you mean that as a joke? Be honest
@Sasho Stoyanov,” I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
I will be extremely impressed if anyone can tell me where this is from.
Hello, HE. I’d like to share something that this site has done for me and without it, I’d never be able to do it anyway, since I suffered a lot of uncertainty and an illness that left me kinda crippled 6 years ago and always haunted me. This thread was made on the stairs outside of a store, just before my exam for applying for a university to study psychology. Getting the idea to study formally psychology came from the inspiration and motivation High Existence gave me to face my fears, and extreme amount of inspiration makes me an unstoppable wild poetic I-don’t-even-know-how-to-control-this-energy-person with personal issues, desperately trying to overcome them with peaceful self-absorption.
So, despite of becoming extremely vulnerable and unsure about everything, I decided to follow what I’m good at. I never really shared this before here, because I’m usually never looking for help and try to act upon it instead with the proper inspiration. Since I took my exams while basically drunk and thinking entirely about something else, I realized that I made the right decision. There are things you learn and then there are things you actually do without giving much of a fuck.
No uncomfortable experience has ever taught someone something negative. There’s a reason to smile at everything you’re afraid of, knowing how entertaining the overcoming of a fear is already integrated in your acknowledgment. There’s nothing difficult when you’re simply abstracting other people testing you, the hardest decisions are most compelling if you refuse to test yourself.
I love you all. :)
@Sasho, Whenever I read something you post, it’s like I’m trying to read Chinese. Keep in mind I can’t understand Chinese at all. It’s like we’re speaking a different language. I’m in such a positive reality that I can’t even begin to comprehend what you’re trying to say. It’s very strange.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s just something I continually take notice of.
you’re growing on me sasho… I’ve been in a pissed off mood lately, maybe that’s helping :)
from my favorite song, seems relavent, somehow:
“You said, ‘The cinders are falling like snow.’ There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence. Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines. Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward, and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message.”
Davey Havok, …but home is nowhere
@aono, I’d love that. After punching me in the face, maybe we could drink beer and go watch a movie. Gotta consider our schedules.
Not this movie.
I think the not giving a fuck stage is the stage after you break out of the fear mentality. Nothing phases you, yet there seems to be nothing to strive toward either. It’s not the final stage though in my opinion.
“‘I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and is striving after wind.’– When you reach this point, you are one step away from despair, and one step away from enlightenment.”
@mamadragon, you are definitely not alone in this. :) There isn’t any bigger fear than fearing ourselves. But it’s also our greatest motivating force.
People have lived their whole lives trying to cope with their fears. It is the basic drive for animals and we’re not so different than them when it comes to fear. The main emotion for how things in nature work.
“A horse trainer once said to me, “Animals don’t think, they just make associations.” I responded to that by saying, “If making associations is not thinking, then I would have to conclude that I do not think.” People with autism and animals both think by making visual associations. These associations are like snapshots of events and tend to be very specific. For example, a horse might fear bearded men when it sees one in the barn, but bearded men might be tolerated in the riding arena. In this situation the horse may only fear bearded men in the barn because he may have had a bad past experience in the barn with a bearded man.
Animals also tend to make place-specific associations. This means that if a horse has bad prior experiences in a barn with skylights, he may fear all barns with skylights but will be fine in barns with solid roofs. This is why it is so important that an a animal’s first association with something new is a good first experience. ”
This is an insightful writing by a person with autism. Thinking The Way Animals Do: http://www.grandin.com/references/thinking.animals.html
@Sasho Stoyanov, Damn! And thank you! :) Dude everything you said is so awesome! You sound though as if it matters what you care and don’t care about. It doesn’t matter if you’re not into nature or gods. You decide what matters.. and that will define your life (and no life is more important than another). What stood out to me is that counting the leaves is how you saw the beauty. It’s different for everybody, but so long as you can feel that one way or another… as long as you can feel what you’re made of, that’s awesome. You’re very funny Sasho :) There’s no reason not to smile ;)
@beyond, sasho. thanks for posting that. it is true we are like animals in more ways than we know. once we have a bad experience with something, or someone we tend to shy away from it. this can be as mundane as not liking a certain place or food, or even as big as having ones heart broken and never wanting to have a relationship again.
also as animals we can train ourselfs to do certain things, for example how i trained myself to pass trucks on the motorway using sweeties.
i guess if we become aware of our animal nature it can help us to overcome our fears.
but that griping fear of ourself! that is the hardest for me to battle now.
that fear of not knowing , that intangible inner self!
@beyond, I’m not like preaching enlightenment or anything just to clarify. Don’t really know if you can really ever be ‘enlightened’ or not because it’s just something you’d identify with as “the enlightened one”.. kind of makes me sick. But there are higher states of understanding that don’t consist of just changing what you believe.
But I know exactly where you’re coming from and feel like I’m going through that right now. I’m not really afraid anymore (I mean I still do have a lot of fears but not anything as close as I used to) but also not really excited or positive either. It’s like nothing matters at all, nothing on the exterior can really add or take anything away from me like it used to…But still, some things still do have this effect on me, but I get this lingering feeling that it’s just an illusion.. liberating but at the same time just a weird, kind of lonely feeling to have
The quote just made a lot of sense to me, and I remembered that you posted this a while ago so I thought I’d share it.
This is every time I go vulnerable. When I wrote this post, I cried… then I got into a lot of fights. Then, read again what I posted… to see what the fuck have I done and why am I sharing so much about me like people have no lives….
I am talking with Alexa on regular basis. That’s why I said that I have nothing to say to her. So she could hate me for this as much as she wants to, but privately. :) So you’re basically right.
I have seen the two extremes that people go into and now I try to share it, even if it fucking kills me. So there you go, we’re either running away from the worries and convictions of other people, or we try to “solve” their problems. This is considered normal… I don’t find these methods efficient. I’d rather sound like a crazy bastard, than complain about everything and “search” for answers from other people.
And I still have a lot of people breathing down my neck and just trying to approach me with indirect “listen to me, please, you know me”.
Also, I’ve been making music for 10 years. A lot of trance mind-states and ecstatic periods of time. :)
Now, I haven’t ate anything for the last… 4 and a half days. Present moment? Wooo… Thinking about the present moment all the time makes me vomit, I’d rather predict the future or something. Listen to old songs that I like, like I am listening to them for the first time. When meeting someone, getting excited about what’s next. Because our minds are incredible. Really… annoying at times, but that’s how we learn to forgive – not to ignore, ignorance is a fucking process that leads to conversations about it. I want to share a lot more, but I am already speaking too much and I am in trouble again, so
@imhotep, I wrote it, that’s how I felt that day, but decided to write it somehow dramatically. I still don’t know exactly why, but I like it too. I was on a couple of beers and had to go to another city for an exam. I guess I needed to kick myself in the ass, to prepare mentally. :)