I am not afraid of being misunderstood. And I am not afraid of being myself, I’ve been myself my whole life. And cannot feel fear when I sense an upcoming storm that’s potentially bad for me – not a shady stare, and not a self-satisfied glimpse. I am not afraid of trying something new, unless I don’t believe it is true. And I am not afraid of being judged. Whatever it is, I can hardly budge.
I don’t care about nature or gods. And I don’t feel bad about people’s frowns and anger on the streets. But most of all, I am not afraid of imagining their heartbeats, filled with nothing except the expression of their previous deeds. And I am not afraid to die. I’ve died too many times before. Broken hearts, illnesses and the loss of my needs and even more.
I don’t care for the sky or the beauty in it. When I daydream,
I don’t even think about my well-being.
I look at a tree and try count the leaves. And that’s how I see the beauty in me.
I am not afraid of existing just for a little while, I am afraid that after all this, I may not smile.
The only thing I’m afraid of.
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@beyond, sasho thanks for the title. i am afraid. it fits me so well at this moment, i just want to add that im not afraid of all those things you arent afraid of either,
im just afraid of myself. of my deep down inside self. it scares the fuck out of me today, all my emotions relating to the past that i dont seem to be able to shake. im in a swirl of darkness and angouish.
it scares the bejitters out of me today.
and makes me want to cry, to wail, to litterally lay down in the hot grass and weep, narsh,
clench, give up.
does anyone feel this way, or am i alone in this. ?
@Sasho Stoyanov, Damn! And thank you! :) Dude everything you said is so awesome! You sound though as if it matters what you care and don’t care about. It doesn’t matter if you’re not into nature or gods. You decide what matters.. and that will define your life (and no life is more important than another). What stood out to me is that counting the leaves is how you saw the beauty. It’s different for everybody, but so long as you can feel that one way or another… as long as you can feel what you’re made of, that’s awesome. You’re very funny Sasho :) There’s no reason not to smile ;)
@beyond, sasho. thanks for posting that. it is true we are like animals in more ways than we know. once we have a bad experience with something, or someone we tend to shy away from it. this can be as mundane as not liking a certain place or food, or even as big as having ones heart broken and never wanting to have a relationship again.
also as animals we can train ourselfs to do certain things, for example how i trained myself to pass trucks on the motorway using sweeties.
i guess if we become aware of our animal nature it can help us to overcome our fears.
but that griping fear of ourself! that is the hardest for me to battle now.
that fear of not knowing , that intangible inner self!
@beyond, I’m not like preaching enlightenment or anything just to clarify. Don’t really know if you can really ever be ‘enlightened’ or not because it’s just something you’d identify with as “the enlightened one”.. kind of makes me sick. But there are higher states of understanding that don’t consist of just changing what you believe.
But I know exactly where you’re coming from and feel like I’m going through that right now. I’m not really afraid anymore (I mean I still do have a lot of fears but not anything as close as I used to) but also not really excited or positive either. It’s like nothing matters at all, nothing on the exterior can really add or take anything away from me like it used to…But still, some things still do have this effect on me, but I get this lingering feeling that it’s just an illusion.. liberating but at the same time just a weird, kind of lonely feeling to have
The quote just made a lot of sense to me, and I remembered that you posted this a while ago so I thought I’d share it.
This is every time I go vulnerable. When I wrote this post, I cried… then I got into a lot of fights. Then, read again what I posted… to see what the fuck have I done and why am I sharing so much about me like people have no lives….
I am talking with Alexa on regular basis. That’s why I said that I have nothing to say to her. So she could hate me for this as much as she wants to, but privately. :) So you’re basically right.
I have seen the two extremes that people go into and now I try to share it, even if it fucking kills me. So there you go, we’re either running away from the worries and convictions of other people, or we try to “solve” their problems. This is considered normal… I don’t find these methods efficient. I’d rather sound like a crazy bastard, than complain about everything and “search” for answers from other people.
And I still have a lot of people breathing down my neck and just trying to approach me with indirect “listen to me, please, you know me”.
Also, I’ve been making music for 10 years. A lot of trance mind-states and ecstatic periods of time. :)
Now, I haven’t ate anything for the last… 4 and a half days. Present moment? Wooo… Thinking about the present moment all the time makes me vomit, I’d rather predict the future or something. Listen to old songs that I like, like I am listening to them for the first time. When meeting someone, getting excited about what’s next. Because our minds are incredible. Really… annoying at times, but that’s how we learn to forgive – not to ignore, ignorance is a fucking process that leads to conversations about it. I want to share a lot more, but I am already speaking too much and I am in trouble again, so
@imhotep, I wrote it, that’s how I felt that day, but decided to write it somehow dramatically. I still don’t know exactly why, but I like it too. I was on a couple of beers and had to go to another city for an exam. I guess I needed to kick myself in the ass, to prepare mentally. :)
You are such a delightful poet.
I would like to personally apologise to humanity if I fall into the category of “little helper people who just want to help complaining people fix their lives”. lol.
Sometimes, I think I have a problem.