I Am Afraid

“‘I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and is striving after wind.’– When you reach this point, you are one step away from despair, and one step away from enlightenment.”

@beyond, I’m not like preaching enlightenment or anything just to clarify. Don’t really know if you can really ever be ‘enlightened’ or not because it’s just something you’d identify with as “the enlightened one”.. kind of makes me sick. But there are higher states of understanding that don’t consist of just changing what you believe.

But I know exactly where you’re coming from and feel like I’m going through that right now. I’m not really afraid anymore (I mean I still do have a lot of fears but not anything as close as I used to) but also not really excited or positive either. It’s like nothing matters at all, nothing on the exterior can really add or take anything away from me like it used to…But still, some things still do have this effect on me, but I get this lingering feeling that it’s just an illusion.. liberating but at the same time just a weird, kind of lonely feeling to have

The quote just made a lot of sense to me, and I remembered that you posted this a while ago so I thought I’d share it.

What you desperately need is a good punch in the face from a friend, and a lot more electric guitar instead of acoustic…

you’re growing on me sasho… I’ve been in a pissed off mood lately, maybe that’s helping :)

from my favorite song, seems relavent, somehow:
“You said, ‘The cinders are falling like snow.’ There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence. Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines. Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward, and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message.”
Davey Havok, …but home is nowhere

@dobbyfisher, dustin, your text just about wraps it up. for me

\bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence’
when you get to me my age, you wonder what was it all for….

@beyond, sasho. thanks for posting that. it is true we are like animals in more ways than we know. once we have a bad experience with something, or someone we tend to shy away from it. this can be as mundane as not liking a certain place or food, or even as big as having ones heart broken and never wanting to have a relationship again.
also as animals we can train ourselfs to do certain things, for example how i trained myself to pass trucks on the motorway using sweeties.
i guess if we become aware of our animal nature it can help us to overcome our fears.
but that griping fear of ourself! that is the hardest for me to battle now.
that fear of not knowing , that intangible inner self!