I Am Afraid

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)    2 years, 5 months ago

I am not afraid of being misunderstood. And I am not afraid of being myself, I’ve been myself my whole life. And cannot feel fear when I sense an upcoming storm that’s potentially bad for me – not a shady stare, and not a self-satisfied glimpse. I am not afraid of trying something new, unless I don’t believe it is true. And I am not afraid of being judged. Whatever it is, I can hardly budge.

I don’t care about nature or gods. And I don’t feel bad about people’s frowns and anger on the streets. But most of all, I am not afraid of imagining their heartbeats, filled with nothing except the expression of their previous deeds. And I am not afraid to die. I’ve died too many times before. Broken hearts, illnesses and the loss of my needs and even more.

I don’t care for the sky or the beauty in it. When I daydream,
I don’t even think about my well-being.

I look at a tree and try count the leaves. And that’s how I see the beauty in me.

I am not afraid of existing just for a little while, I am afraid that after all this, I may not smile.

The only thing I’m afraid of.

7 votes, posted 04.20.2012 at 4:44 am
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Avatar of Mikey W
Mikey W (@mikeyw829)2 years, 3 months ago ago

“‘I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and is striving after wind.’– When you reach this point, you are one step away from despair, and one step away from enlightenment.”

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, thanks for that, Mikey. It is clarifying, to be in the mental state where you always have a choice.

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Avatar of Mikey W
Mikey W (@mikeyw829)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@beyond, I’m not like preaching enlightenment or anything just to clarify. Don’t really know if you can really ever be ‘enlightened’ or not because it’s just something you’d identify with as “the enlightened one”.. kind of makes me sick. But there are higher states of understanding that don’t consist of just changing what you believe.

But I know exactly where you’re coming from and feel like I’m going through that right now. I’m not really afraid anymore (I mean I still do have a lot of fears but not anything as close as I used to) but also not really excited or positive either. It’s like nothing matters at all, nothing on the exterior can really add or take anything away from me like it used to…But still, some things still do have this effect on me, but I get this lingering feeling that it’s just an illusion.. liberating but at the same time just a weird, kind of lonely feeling to have

The quote just made a lot of sense to me, and I remembered that you posted this a while ago so I thought I’d share it.

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, The moment you realize that you always have a choice, about everything you put interest into, and work fucking hard to stay in that moment – because you really always do have a choice – then you’ll be

free

That’s why it makes sense to you. It’s basically practicing free will, but worth it. And it is a profound truth. Taking a time to make some sense of everything, what you want to say, what you expect/desire to happen. You have a choice, everything in the world is based on it to be created. I am excited with that realization. :)

“Every profound truth is retardedly simple, don’t underestimate the simple things.” – Manimal

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Avatar of A.O.N.O.
A.O.N.O. (@aono)2 years, 3 months ago ago

What you desperately need is a good punch in the face from a friend, and a lot more electric guitar instead of acoustic…

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@aono, That’s what I keep repeating to my friends.

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Dustin (@dobbyfisher)2 years, 3 months ago ago

you’re growing on me sasho… I’ve been in a pissed off mood lately, maybe that’s helping :)

from my favorite song, seems relavent, somehow:
“You said, ‘The cinders are falling like snow.’ There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence. Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines. Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward, and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message.”
Davey Havok, …but home is nowhere

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Avatar of A.O.N.O.
A.O.N.O. (@aono)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@beyond Sasho, I’ve just been here one day and I figured about five minutes ago that we both happen to live in the same country, so I’d be glad to punch you in the face any time you find appropriate… Unfortunately, I live nowhere near Varna (I’m located in Sofia), but hey – I’d gladly travel a few thousand kilometers for the chance to bruise somebody well. Anyways, if you ever happen to visit the capital, feel free to drop in. I’m not sure if two exchanged posts qualify me as a friend (“…a good punch in the face from a friend”), but meh.

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@aono, I’d love that. After punching me in the face, maybe we could drink beer and go watch a movie. Gotta consider our schedules.
Not this movie.

http://www.lolwtfcomics.com/upload/uploads/1329998897.jpg

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Avatar of mamadragon
mamadragon (@mamadragon)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@beyond, sasho thanks for the title. i am afraid. it fits me so well at this moment, i just want to add that im not afraid of all those things you arent afraid of either,
im just afraid of myself. of my deep down inside self. it scares the fuck out of me today, all my emotions relating to the past that i dont seem to be able to shake. im in a swirl of darkness and angouish.
it scares the bejitters out of me today.
and makes me want to cry, to wail, to litterally lay down in the hot grass and weep, narsh,
clench, give up.

does anyone feel this way, or am i alone in this. ?

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Avatar of mamadragon
mamadragon (@mamadragon)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@dobbyfisher, dustin, your text just about wraps it up. for me

\bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence’
when you get to me my age, you wonder what was it all for….

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@mamadragon, you are definitely not alone in this. :) There isn’t any bigger fear than fearing ourselves. But it’s also our greatest motivating force.

People have lived their whole lives trying to cope with their fears. It is the basic drive for animals and we’re not so different than them when it comes to fear. The main emotion for how things in nature work.

“A horse trainer once said to me, “Animals don’t think, they just make associations.” I responded to that by saying, “If making associations is not thinking, then I would have to conclude that I do not think.” People with autism and animals both think by making visual associations. These associations are like snapshots of events and tend to be very specific. For example, a horse might fear bearded men when it sees one in the barn, but bearded men might be tolerated in the riding arena. In this situation the horse may only fear bearded men in the barn because he may have had a bad past experience in the barn with a bearded man.

Animals also tend to make place-specific associations. This means that if a horse has bad prior experiences in a barn with skylights, he may fear all barns with skylights but will be fine in barns with solid roofs. This is why it is so important that an a animal’s first association with something new is a good first experience. ”

This is an insightful writing by a person with autism. Thinking The Way Animals Do: http://www.grandin.com/references/thinking.animals.html

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Avatar of mamadragon
mamadragon (@mamadragon)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@beyond, sasho. thanks for posting that. it is true we are like animals in more ways than we know. once we have a bad experience with something, or someone we tend to shy away from it. this can be as mundane as not liking a certain place or food, or even as big as having ones heart broken and never wanting to have a relationship again.
also as animals we can train ourselfs to do certain things, for example how i trained myself to pass trucks on the motorway using sweeties.
i guess if we become aware of our animal nature it can help us to overcome our fears.
but that griping fear of ourself! that is the hardest for me to battle now.
that fear of not knowing , that intangible inner self!

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Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@beyond, compelling, and well written. Did you write this?

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@imhotep, I wrote it, that’s how I felt that day, but decided to write it somehow dramatically. I still don’t know exactly why, but I like it too. I was on a couple of beers and had to go to another city for an exam. I guess I needed to kick myself in the ass, to prepare mentally. :)

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Anonymous (@)2 years, 3 months ago ago

@beyond, you never know when the inspiration will hit you, good stuff man.

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)1 year, 7 months ago ago

Hello, HE. I’d like to share something that this site has done for me and without it, I’d never be able to do it anyway, since I suffered a lot of uncertainty and an illness that left me kinda crippled 6 years ago and always haunted me. This thread was made on the stairs outside of a store, just before my exam for applying for a university to study psychology. Getting the idea to study formally psychology came from the inspiration and motivation High Existence gave me to face my fears, and extreme amount of inspiration makes me an unstoppable wild poetic I-don’t-even-know-how-to-control-this-energy-person with personal issues, desperately trying to overcome them with peaceful self-absorption.

So, despite of becoming extremely vulnerable and unsure about everything, I decided to follow what I’m good at. I never really shared this before here, because I’m usually never looking for help and try to act upon it instead with the proper inspiration. Since I took my exams while basically drunk and thinking entirely about something else, I realized that I made the right decision. There are things you learn and then there are things you actually do without giving much of a fuck.

No uncomfortable experience has ever taught someone something negative. There’s a reason to smile at everything you’re afraid of, knowing how entertaining the overcoming of a fear is already integrated in your acknowledgment. There’s nothing difficult when you’re simply abstracting other people testing you, the hardest decisions are most compelling if you refuse to test yourself.

I love you all. :)

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Avatar of Kristian Jaded
Kristian Jaded (@mentalkink)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@beyond, This is so beautiful Sasho. I’m not sure how you feel towards my internet self, but you really are a lovely person and I am really happy I have come cross you in my lifetime. Reading your post brought the biggest smile to my face, for reasons that you touched, and reasons that effected my life. As I reread tears fall down my cheeks. Thank you, I have love for you. Keep up the life.

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Avatar of Sasho Stoyanov
Anonymous (@)1 year, 7 months ago ago

@mentalkink, I’m glad I touched your romantic side. :) I’m not embarrassed to say I’m an insane romantic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpKTeVyzj84

Nothing good ever came out of insincerity.

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Avatar of Kristian Jaded
Kristian Jaded (@mentalkink)1 year, 7 months ago ago
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