In a long-term relationship with someone who has a history of mental illness in her family, and definitely a hard past. She won’t make the effort to change and in general she believes there’s nothing wrong with her. I know from her mother that depression has been a big issue down the line, she and one of her older daughters aee on meds. The problem I face is that shes im denial and quite frankly I have to deal with some crazy behaviour. We’ve broke up in the past but at the moment we are together again giving it another chance. This isn’t about the mental illness though, this is about the manipulation. For the past several months its been going more and more downhill, she’ll make me feel good and then the next she’s as distant as anything. What bothers me is all the secrecy, and just the way she acts about all of it. She will purposely go out of her way to flirt with guys in front of me, write online about how much she wants to fuck other guys and really just subtely make me feel terrible through any means. Now, there was a time when things were good, she was down to earth, reasonable. But now I just feel trapped. Some of the stuff ive seen still shocks me. In all honesty I feel scared. Sorry for the lack of details, its a long story. But anyway, how can I deal with someone who acts like this? How do you look past someones perhaps not intentional cruelty?
p.s. Hello HE community :)
Destined to fail. I speak from experience. I get the impression by what you’ve written that you kind of know this as well.
Dragging it out doesn’t make it any better and she is not your responsibility (ever).
If she makes you feel this way and you have tried to deal with it reasonably in the past then it’s probably a good idea to consider moving on.
Best of luck either way.
@staylucky, Well there’s been glimpses of hope at times but lately its been hard to deal with it. Seasonal depression perhaps?
The problem is, I am In love with her, this is my first real relationship, and last time i ended it I just couldn’t deal with the pain. I felt quite empty actually. Worse yet, she’s a bit of a drama queen, I get the worst of it from her family and friends for breaking her heart. I dont know how to adapt out of relationship behaviour, i used to be quite strong before, or so i thought.
And then there’s my family, they haven’t seen her underneath, and my younger sister really does get along with her. I feel like id be so guilty. In all honesty, I dont think ill deal with change that well!
@insynthesis, I agree with Alex, why are you still with that person? What possible logical reason do you have for that ?
It does not sound like season depression to me, especially considering the fact that she has a family history of mental illness.
Remember that you are NEVER responsible for somebodies life. If you choose to stay in this relationship, it will only cause you happiness and misery. I advise you to get out as quickly as you can, because if she will not decide to change her life, to do something about it and seek help, you will NEVER be able to convince her. It may seem like that, but that only means she has convinced herself.
Stop caring about what other people will think of you when you make a decision that YOU want to do. Why would you do things that you do not want to do? I mean, why for Godssake would you be doing things that you do not want to do?
Ask yourself this: why would you feel guilty if you decide to do something that you want to do? It sounds to me that you have some personal issues that you should resolve first. Do you love yourself? Do you accept yourself as you are? It does not seem like that, maybe you should seek help yourself first, it will help you deal with these kind of things easier mate.
@insynthesis, I have been through all of these things of which you speak as well. The fact that this is your first relationship is very telling of the circumstances as well.
The decision ultimately comes down to you, but as someone who has been through two tumultuous relationships I can safely tell you that based upon what you have explained it would be the most amazing statistical anomaly on the planet if your scenario unfolds well and allows you to stay together.
Real relationships do not require this much work on these kind of matters. Everything of which you speak are not things that the two of you work on. These are things that the individual must resolve. And if you really care about her as much as you say then you should end it so that she can understand this.
I broke up with my ex of 4 years because we were destroying each other and for the first few weeks she was inconsolable and it absolutely destroyed me because seeing somebody you adore being so upset is something no one with a heart wants to see. But every time I went back in the past, the next few weeks would be filled with great sex, amazing conversations and that false sense of security that everything was going to be ok. But the fact of the matter is that these things are only patchwork. And when I finally had the guts to stay away from her, time healed everything. And while I cannot talk to or see her anymore because it’s just too hard, I’m so happy to know that she is in a better place than when we were together.
You never were meant to be, nor should you ever be the reason for someones happiness or unhappiness. Do the right thing and don’t give a fuck about what her family says or the fact that your sister has one less person to talk to. This might affect more than just the two of you, but you do not stay together because you don’t want your sister to have to make a new friend or feel bad for staying in touch with her.
Oh, man, these things are just too ugly. Yeah, it’s a season in your life that will mark you for ever. It’s heartbreakingly sad and I can’t feel nothing but pain when I read your story, and I identify myself with it… Well, my ex didn’t have a history of mental illness, but that sensation of sadness and depression when she does everything so cynically… It’s like hell for itself.
But I don’t think you wanna hear more of this sad crap. I’m here to give you my opinion: From the way I see it, you REALLY love her. I mean, all those things you tell us she’s done and still be able to say you are in love with that person? That takes guts… HUGE guts. Yeah, you have never been forced to do anything you don’t want to, but the fact you’re still by her side shows nothing but that you TRULY wanna help her… And why wouldn’t you?!??? You LOVE her! And that’s what we all men do when we are in love with a woman: we wanna help her, we wanna give her things, we wanna be with her to the point we are nearly (or actually) stalking her, we wanna show her stuff and be the one and only heroes of the princess in distress of the dragon. Thing is, this dragon comes in every shape, flavor and size.
My advice? Keep up the fight. If you love her for who she is, then clearly she can’t be who she is right now, because of the dragon. If you really feel yourself ready to knight up and fight this dragon, if you truly, madly, dee
… Sorry… Anyways, If you deeply love her and you consider she deserves to be saved from that dragon, DO IT and stay by her side as long as you believe necessary. But do not EVER forget about yourself! This fight, this game is pretty messy and clever, you won’t need just a sword, but a brain too. If she’s being manipulative do not doubt at all being yourself manipulative too, but use manipulation wisely, responsibly, in a way you couldn’t hurt her, just the dragon.
If you think you are up for it, and save her in the name of love, stay by her side, listen to her, feed her, take care of her, even if she’s as bad as she has ever been in her life. Trust me, the best medicine is love. And you’ll feel defeated LOTS of times… Just ignore that feeling.
BUT if you don’t want to do this, it is also truly acceptable! It’s not your mission if you don’t take it! If you wanna run away, also in the name of love (but this time, for yourself), well, in this case, there’s ANYbody more important than you.
The choice is yours and any answer is acceptable and totally away from shame, guilt or sadness, as long as you keep up with it, not regretting it 5 minutes later (in any of those 2 ways).
Man, I wish you the best of lucks and may God give you all the necessary strength to stay positive. Maybe the reason why you’re here is to save her life… maybe it is to save yours. Think about it!
@alexunknown, This is not good advice for more reasons that I can begin to even explain.
This is nothing to do with you being a bad person if you end it. This isn’t a case of “Hey guys this is my first relationship and I’m just kind of interested in going out there and getting some strange”.
@insynthesis, you might love and care about her…. but maybe you should really talk to her and set some ground rules of how you want things to be if you were to continue this relationship with her.
REMEMBER you have one life to live – don’t waste it. each moment in your life counts, and maybe being with her isn’t necessarily “wasting it,” it might even shape you to be the person you are. but still, aim for happiness. you have the power to make yourself happy, and you need to figure out what truly makes you happy. If something isn’t making you happy, change it.
If she believe nothing is wrong with her, that means someone needs to give someone a reality check. Tell her the absolute truth about herself, sometimes people don’t see their shit until you grab that pile with their name on it to their awareness, if they fail to see and understand why their shit is being destructive to you guys relationship, then I say it’s time to pack you bags because things is likely to not become better. You’re being held down as a result and you silently doing the suffering.
Sometimes reality checking someone would make them aware of their faults and bringing that awareness to their conscious mind would maybe begin the 1st step of changing.
But I doubt you have the strength though to tell her the truth. 90% of us wouldn’t tell someone their breath is kicking down doorways because we consider ourselves absolutely nice. But if you truly care about someone you would tell them their shit is kicking and then they would make conscious adjustments to bettering themselves.
My 2 cents.
@insynthesis, If you think you are being manipulated, then you probably are. From you post it definitely looks that way.
My advise is short and sweet, get out now. Don’t prolong it, it will not get better, only worse. Save the time, energy and heartache. Just let her go. I know it sucks to hear that way but I’m sure I’m just echoing what your heart has already told you. It’s a terrible situation to be in. I’m sorry and wish you the best of luck my friend.
@staylucky, Ok, I see we both have different points of view about the subject, but if you’re up to exchange opinions I don’t think this is the best place we could do that. Would you like to do it on private? Maybe we could both learn something from each other!
@insynthesis, I have been through something very similar to this. It really is unhealthy for everyone and the best thing you can do is break it off and endure the pain. Like you, I had the same thing where we broke up and got back together multiple times, but every time you get back together she will be in familiar territory and will resort to the same behavior.
It was also my first relationship and im very glad I had this experience so early in my life and not with someone later in life. Although you may feel like it will never go away now, the pain will fade and you will come out the other end feeling positive about the whole thing.
Well, what an interesting week. I said exactly what I thought, there was a lot of tears involved, and it seems like she’d came to some sort of realization. It’s probably naive to say she’s changed but it seems like she really is trying. After a bit of a break things feel the same as they did when we first met, and to me that seems worth fighting for. I haven’t just gone of the wall and tried again praying for the best, your replies and all that stress really did make me realize that there was bigger problems. I’d been waking up feeling without a purpose really, and I’d put a lot of my passions on hold because of her. I’ve just decided to focus more of my energy on my life, and I feel so much less pain. If things do resort to back the way they were at least this time I have the confidence in knowing that I trust myself a bit more. This is all sounding like pretentious bullshit I’m sure, how much can someone change in a week?, but I feel like I’ve chosen the decision that’s felt most true to me. Thanks for the replies guys!