I had no choice
This is my first post on this site. I’m a creative writing major but I hardly act like one. It’s really tough for me to find the inspiration to actually sit down and type something. So, this is my first attempt. I want to tell you all my story of recent “conscious shifting” over the past year in a summed up form.
So last year around this time, I ingested a synthetic hallucinogen called 2C-E for the first and only time. I know people who have done said drug and drugs more powerful and have not shared in my experience, so I am not saying this drug has the same “consequential” effect on everyone. Anyway, a friend and I did this drug, and we tripped like any other trip of medium dosage. This was like a combination of Ecstacy, LSD, and Shrooms. I had the usual, well what anybody else who has tripped would call usual, realizations, hallucinations, etc.
I got home the next day and everything was fine. I made some food and went to bed. The day after that a strange dread washed over me. A feeling of despair and the worst anxiety imaginable stuck to me like a shadow. Everybody I interacted with I approached with a fake smile. I cried in front of my dogs, afraid I would never be the same as before; that I was broken.
This feeling of dread carried over in the following weeks, appearing in waves of despair throughout the day. I struggled for a reason. I wanted to understand why this was happening. My two friends who had done the drug with me I would later come to find felt the same way. As the months went on, I was still able to perform well in college, I made good grades. I began to see things differently as the waves of sorrow crashed in ever-widening gaps, until they eventually stopped. I began to question as I never have before. Topics on the news suddenly didn’t make sense, or were almost laughable in their absurdity. Reality TV began to disgust, and without sounding too arrogant, insult my intelligence.
One day I watched “George Harrison: Living in the Material World” (which I highly suggest) and I realized what had happened to me. I was awakened.
Now I’m not trying to throw any of you into thinking I’m bullshitting you or I’m some religious fanatic, because I’m not. I just feel that like Lennon, Harrison, Bill Hicks, Aldous Huxley, Tim Leary, and many others, I was awakened into a consciousness that I had no idea existed. I’m not claiming any “special aura” or thinking that I am above anyone. If there’s anything I’ve learned on this site it’s that many people on here share my mindset and/or viewpoints.
These days I still go to school, although I’m basically going to get a degree for my mom. I feel more comfortable having been to sites like this one, sharing viewpoints with others like myself. I still have much self-reflection to go into, as this life seems to have only just begun. There is so much more I want to say, but I can’t really remember it all at this moment. My short-term memory of my thoughts isn’t so good anymore. I hope you all read this and can take something from this story. Please let me know if any of you have gone through a similar scenario.
I wanted to have a point to all this, but… o well.
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@gumpmarion, I’m not saying that I know how you should run your life, and i’m not criticizing your choices but if you don’t have an insatiable urge to write, i would suggest you stop pursuing a career in creative writing. If the inspiration isn’t sparked, maybe it just means you’re not a story teller. Follow you’re bliss, it’s the only way to be happy. Find what you are ecstatic about doing, if there is nothing in your present life, you haven’t looked far enough.
@gumpmarion, I would really recoomend you read some of the blogs on this website, namely, http://www.highexistence.com/finding-your-bliss-a-quick-strategy/. There are many many more.
I have not formally studied creative writing anywhere, except English in high school. But I know it is my passion, it brings me pleasure and pain, great stress but it feels worth it. I do have a problem with actually doing it, I have no problem with the ideas and how I write but something stops me from just doing it. It may be that I fear I am not good enough and will fail but I personally think that I don’t want to finish. This is because once it is done it is over, all that I love about writing it basically dies at that point.
Of course I can go on to other stories that I want to do but this first one is my baby, it has been with me a very long time and I doubt if I will ever gain the same feelings for another story I write ever again.
I don’t think this helps you because I have no solution, just all I can give you is the acknowledgement that others struggle in this field and it has nothing to do with it not being your true passion, but perhaps the contrary, too much passion for it. I need to work on a way to bridle my passion, as I have done with my empathy, no doubt it has a lot to do with various attachments that are hard to let go of. I can use Nihilistic techniques but Buddhism has a lot of teachings on how to deal with attachments.
One thing I can say is that writing stories, fiction or whatnot, is not a waste of time. I believe I didn’t start my story years ago because I wasn’t in the right mindset to do it, as you say I wasn’t quite “awakened” yet. Now I use my stories to communicate aspects of that “awakening” and that adds much more to my motivation to do it. Maybe I even delay for the fact that I may even awaken more and I will not be able to add it before I am done, but that would be ridiculous, what am I a seer now? ha
yay welcome to the group.
It really is kind of shitty – the awakening. You start to realize how much the world’s population resembles kids in a sand box. Thats the “bad” awakening.
The good awakening is even more incredible – more powerful. Its when you realize the energy we all are, everything is so connected and nothing here really matters all that much other than being truthful and happy.
Both are incredible experiences. I hope the second comes to visit you soon.
Thanks for the responses. This wasn’t really about my writing dilemma, although maybe you all saw something I didn’t. @ijesuschrist, thanks for the advice. The most important information I’ve received from this site is that you’re not alone.
@gumpmarion, I went through the exact same type of events but mine was quite different of course. After I did LSD for the first time it just made everything so different its like my interests were….Hightened? What i really love doing just came out of me, its not like i sat there and thought about it, I just started drawing randomnly, and randomn things I hadn’t tried to draw since I was a little kid. <– Which is interesting for those of you that understand about your imagination. And my "want" to do better in school or the "want" to pick up my saxophone again wasnt just a want anymore. Its like i felt like I "needed" to do it. Like something inside of me was restless and when i didnt act on it i felt very just empty and bored. I feel like your already too far into being defeated kind of, like you realized after your experience that everything around you was not as you clearly wanted it to be. Like yeah your in college and seemingly succesul but it isn't what YOU want, and I agree with Daniel, you have to find your bliss man its the only way you'll be truly happy in the end I feel like. And yes reality TV and the news is all just a brainwashing joke. Whoever implemented TV accomplished their fucking goal lol, well until people like us come around. Like i made my mom realize that about the news with one conversation with her. Just go do you man everyone else will fit in around you even your mom, it will make her happy that your doing something to make you happy in the end.
Wow. I have such a similar story, it’s funny. 2C-E was the first hallucinogen I ever used. I tripped on 15mg at first, but because of my high tolerance all I had was minor distortions if I stared at the same thing for more than a few seconds. Didn’t phase me at all. Then, the next weekend, I decided to does up to 32mg. Wow. I tripped super hard. The craziest thing was that time slowed down to a ridiculous rate. 10 minutes felt like 2 hours. Everything was distorted and moving organically. People looked so absurd and other-worldly. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and then my hands, I felt as though these physical features were so alien. Then I had a thought that this reality, and our species, were only one of many. I realized that there are infinite universes, with infinite life forms. The whole night was nuts. The next day I was totally normal. I thought, “wow, that was a pretty interesting experience. I had a lot of fun”. And I moved on. Never really changed me too much. I guess if it affected you that much, maybe you should be careful with hallucinogens. 2C-E is like an intro hallucinogen. It has the least mental impact of all the hallucinogens. Be careful.