I just let go
Why has this become my passion? “This” being sewing, to start with. But, turning into knitting/crocheting and other crafts. Well, I’ll tell you why. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been confident about. It’s the only thing that allowed me to express myself freely, without judgement or restrictions. It’s the only thing that let me be myself. The only thing that would cure any frustrations or stress. And to be honest with you, I realized this… just now.
I never thought I had a passion. I would always think to myself, “gosh. I wish I had something I was good at. I wish I had something I liked, the way people like their sports or whatever. I wish I had something I was interested in, and wanted to pursue.”
I never had any instruction from anyone. Maybe a pointer here and there. But the majority of my skills are self-taught. I got my first sewing machine when I was 14, for Christmas. I taught myself how to use every function of the sewing machine with the instruction booklet. I would practice every stich, until I got it perfect. After I would perfect a stich, I’d run into the living room and show my dad. Look! This is a zig-zag stich!
I feel like I just crossed a huge road block. One thing holding me back for so long was my addiction to approval. Or maybe, lack of approval. I only ever really wanted approval from my mom. Since I never got that, I depended on getting it all from my dad. And his word meant a lot to me, since my mom rarely ever spoke. Or at least never made a connection with me. And this is where I grow up a little more, and move on. It’s time to stop being so upset with not feeling that approval from my mother.
Do you ever feel like you have something, you don’t really know what but just something. Something is there. And it’s not good. It’s eating you away slowly from the inside. You somehow get to a point where you are growing past it, but it’s still there. Just…a little bit. Just lingering. You’re doing better at covering it up. But you still haven’t recognized it, and put it behind you. Well, I just recognized it. I just shed away another layer of the pain/burden/anger/negativity, and exposed a layer of me. The real person on the inside, who I’m supposed to be.
I feel like I just got one step closer to really making it where I want to be. I want to at least be one of those people who is known for trying.
And ya know, maybe this is one of the reasons I open up to people about things that don’t even matter anymore. It’s like I’m saying “hey, look at how bad I was in the past, tell me I’m doing better. Please, I need someone to tell me I’m doing better.” I’ve been in situations that no girl would ever want to go through without their mom. But it’s okay. I mean I’m still dealing with it because she’s still my mom, but that part of my life ended yesterday. This life is starting today.
I went to my parents’ house a couple of days ago to hang out with my sister. I had my finished bag with me, so showed it to my dad.
He was pretty impressed, I knew he would be. I showed my mom only because I felt obligated. I already knew she wasn’t even going to raise an eyebrow. But it’s fucking okay. I feel like I just pulled a big nasty leech off of my body. Just by realizing this is the thing that has been my problem. And it might take some working on, but at least now I know what the problem is. I’m no longer going to let myself be hurt or held down by patiently waiting for my mom to say, “Meghan, you’re doing a good job.” I don’t need her to say it, and I know she’s not going to. I know I am doing a good job.
I just feel like I pulled a hard, cold little rock out of my heart. I keep trying to explain it, but I think the only way you’ll know what I mean is if you have had this feeling before. If you’ve ever repressed something for a really really long fucking time, and you let it eat you alive, but then you work at it and work at it, and get better, but it’s still there. And then you just have this point where you say, yep I’m done with that. I’m done. Not my problem anymore. I’m letting it go, throwing it out. I just…AH. I wanna go run around in circles or something til I fall.
To be honest with you, the only reason really I ever feel a fear of death, is because I want to see what I can accomplish first. I’d be pissed if I died tomorrow. (That doesn’t make sense but you get what I mean.) It’s not really a fear, it’s just like “man I hope I don’t die today because I have a lot of cool shit I want to make.”
May you make many more great things in this consciousness :)
That’s a really awesome bag, have you heard of etsy? if you don’t have a shop you should set one up, it’s a great online marketplace for people who like to craft things. Could be a cool way to help support your passion.
@meghan, you are the most awesome. I don’t think there’s a whole lot I can actually say to the effect of a direct reply, but I mean yeah…I just recently made the decision to tackle a dark corner of my existence once and for all a few days ago and it’s just awesome to have it off of your mind…feel free.
You don’t have to worry, for it seems to me that you’ve got a light that will shine in the darker places now. I hope you continue on your journey without forgetting this, and I think we can all benefit from having the courage to let go.
@lysergicganesha, thanks! Yes I have been wanting to make an etsy store! But I’m really just starting out I don’t have a lot to sell yet. And I work full time so it’s hard. But soon my friend, soon.
You’re awesome, Meghan! I told you before but the bag looks excellent. You just have a hunger inside of you, I can relate, to do good for yourself. It’s good! I know exactly what you mean, though.
This bag is a work of art, and inspiring. There is something to be said about having something you wear vs the greater appreciation that you made it. I love meeting the creator of things. There’s a glow no one can take away:)
@ojai, :) thanks Matthew! My stuff is about to get a lot better because I bought a new fabric cutting set yesterday lol. I’m excited. But seriously thanks that means a lot!
@fyrirrek, thanks so much! I make rugs too. I’ve been working on a new one that’s actually my favorite so far. But yeah I like this bag, I just know it could be better. Can’t wait to make another. Thanks for the support :)
@meghan, Can I buy a beanie from you? lol. A “Hipster Hat?”
And yes I know how it is to be good at something and covering it up. Sometimes its good to do that in the early growth stages of your art so you csn keep at it because negative reinforcement by loved ones or friends can get the better of you
The one thing i quote fron HE that I love is “would you get upset if someone called you a fire hydrant?” no so why should any name calling or label affect you?”
Again super job and i am closet sewer too haha guys get made fun of for doing this but hehe its so fun making your own clothes and stuff!
More people should so that appreciate the work that goes into things and theres like a special energy about hand made things
Great stuff! I’ve been through this actually, I just never felt the need to share it. It was the same looking for support from close ones but that lasted… just for a while. Because, basically… looking for appreciation is just the distraction that kills my passion. :)
I came to that realization and continued making music, because, why the fuck should I stop doing what makes me happy, especially if my happiness is contagious.
Thanks for your awesomeness.
@meghan, <3 This is so awesome to read! Happy for you :)
I'm still looking for my "passion", but I think it's a lot of different things, I just don't set my attention on one single thing for a very long time. I find myself to be a creative person, but lack the courage/motivation to actually use all the materials I have right at my fingertips. And I have a lot of materials. I think I also have problems because my sister is immensely creative and an amazing artist in so many ways, that I'm discouraged and tell myself I can never make anything as nice as she does. So I leave her to do all the creating. I love gardening and the care of animals :)
@mwinship13, You know what I attempted to make one of those for my small little head and I couldn’t figure out how to get it to fit me. It was difficult. I crocheted it, didn’t finish. But someday if I get really good at making hats, I will let you know lol
@fyrirrek, I was referring to the issues with my mom when I said I had been covering it up. But I mean I knew I liked sewing and everything, I just never really picked my brain enough to get to the root of why I could get lost in it so easily. I just thought, “I like this.” Never really asked myself why lol.
Someone commented on this, I got a notification and email for it. But I don’t see the comment on here? They asked how old I was. Well, I am 20
|General Tits Von Chodehoffen|
Wow that’s solid. You’re way ahead of the game.
@generaltitsvonchodehoffen, Well thanks! What a nice compliment :)
@meghan, reading this i can relate more then you could imagine. but i agree with you one hundred percent. plus i really like your bag i would buy some beanies from you if you made any.
@cheppa, Well good! What part do you relate with? And I can tryyy… They’re kind of hard that’s why i shyed away from them. But I could try getting back into it
@meghan, :) I’d share some of my music with you. It’s really awesome to meet someone on this site who’s not full of shit.
@beyond, haha I know what you mean. Thanks lol. And I’d love to hear it! Send me a message if you’d like
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