I need your advice on this problem i have with my parents.

3 years, 1 month ago

Hey there everyone, i would value your opinions as everyone on here seems like an intelligent thoughtful person…

My parents are uninspiring and i definitely don’t want to turn out like them in the future, however i think they are having a subconscious effect on me and i am becoming like them. That is my problem, i don’t want to grow up to be anything like them, but after 18 years of living with them (i’m 18 by the way) its hard not to have their attitude rub off on me.

I don’t like being at home or around them and they seem to suppress me and i feel i am in a negative environment when i am at home. We don’t share the same values in life or have the same attitudes about life etc. I would rather live by myself than live with them, however i am going to University this September so there is no point moving until then.

So i guess my question is, in this situation, what would you do to avoid picking up my parents negative ways and attitudes and keep positive and continue to be motivated to reach my potential?

February 24, 2012 at 6:07 pm

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Profile photo of Brandon P'naantan Pinkney Brandon P’naantan Pinkney (@hlalhabattu) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

meditation, alone time, integration of positive, like-minded people (friends) in your life and if you are really concerned, try seeing if you could move in with friends for a while. you just need to take out the time to be you, Tom

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Profile photo of Woodsy Woodsy (@woodsy) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

I personally think it all lays in firmly realizing for yourself that you are a separate person that is to reach your own individual goals. Once you confirm that to yourself on multiple occasions, it will become the natural truth to you so you can see yourself as someone that doesn’t feel that this parent concern in the way. They’re separate people that you reside with and you spent a lot more time in your own mind than in interaction with them anyway. What life holds in the future for them and for you are completely different things, desires, feelings, etc, and that is enough to have a firm difference between you and family you’re living with. You’ve got the choice to separate habits you like and you don’t like with the same individual motivation you do everything else in your life. That’s what really dictates you subconsciously. Let them do what they do, and maintain a firm idea of who you want and don’t want to be like as an antidote to anything you don’t want to sponge in.

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Profile photo of Alex Alex (@hollowinfinity) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

Take time to learn from them. I guarantee you your mind will change in the next few years..drastically too. Things get much better with parents once you establish yourself as an individual that supports themselves fully. The fact that you realize that they come across as negative, and you come across as positive, is all you need to stay positive. Doesn’t matter. Your parents might be the biggest distraction in your life currently, but the distractions themselves never go away..until you are self consistent in your own positivity. :)

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Profile photo of Tom Tom (@lonewanderer) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

Thanks for your answers so far, so your saying i need to work on myself and establish who i really want to be, and relalise i am my own person, different from them but just happen to be living in the same house.

@Alex – what do you mean by learning from them? There seem to be little positive things to learn from them but do you mean learn from them as in to learn not to be like them and use it to motivate myself to not turn out like them in the future? If you know what i mean?

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Profile photo of Christian Christian (@christian92) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

Well most has been said already. I’m in a similar situation, so I know what you mean. When you’re around with your parents, don’t have a negative attitude towards them, be positive and loving to them. That way their reaction towards you will become more positive. It’s not going to work out in the long run if you oppose them, so just be loving and positive towards them and they will gradually return that behavior.

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Profile photo of Auston Auston (@baptiste) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

Not to offend, but from your post it sounds like you are pretty negative yourself. But I do not speak from distant grounds, I have a similar problem. A few months ago I was thinking about how good of a father I would be if I had a son today. Obviously the son takes after his parents, and I wondered of I would be a great example. It was easy for me to think of all the good things I would do, but than I compared it to my real life habits. Sure I lied to myself about it for a while, told myself I would be a great dad and I had time to fix them.

But when I realized who I was, and honestly, I was very pissed with myself because I didn’t like my habits: i watched a lot of TV, put things of, wasn’t as proactive as I want to be (like skipping class just because I didn’t want to get out of bed). I started to think about my dad and how my dad’s fathering skills were. He was lazy, made excuses, would sit on his ass watching TV for 12 hours a day and not get anything done and then yell at me about it for not being proactive. Also a super negative person and short tempered, alcoholic and lied a lot. He was every definition of a hypocrite, and I was starting to turn into him in every aspect. Made me sick to my stomach.

So I started to write down a list of every habit I wanted to have, and I made a counter list of every habit I demonstrated. Made me so angry with myself. I realized I was no where near where I wanted to be. But after a minute of crying I realized I was just making more excuses. I had to start TODAY to be a better father for my future son.

So I made some changes. I put the list up on my desk so I see it everyday. I try to be what I want to be and not what my dad molded me into. But I cannot give the man an all bad review. My favorite memories are with my dad, usually just one on one time, out hunting or playing golf or at the shooting range. They are my most cherished memories.

See, most people here say “you will be your own person once you get away”, but truth is you are a reflection of your parents in a lot of ways. It is up to you to identify what you like about yourself and what you don’t. Being honest with yourself is one of the hardest things. But once you are, you can fix what you don’t like. Me, I’m still working on it and I mess up a lot and go back to my old ways. But I also realize I am getting better. This will take a lot of time, but you can get there.

I think what Alex is saying is that your parents have not always been terrible to you. Maybe a lot of the time, I won’t act like I know your life, but going to University is a big accomplishment. Obviously you have some great qualities about you, and you are motivated, or else you wouldn’t go or would be dead. And your parents had to have something to do with that. Whether negative or positive.

I’ll finish with one technique that helps me stay positive and cool tempered. No matter what happens, positive or negative, you can make it a beneficial experience. Look at what was good about anything, and remember that. Take a bad situation and analyze it. What was bad about it and how can you do it better. But most importantly, how did it occur? Why did this thing happen and how can I make sure it never happens again.

I hope for the best for you. Good luck at the Uni.

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Profile photo of Tom Tom (@lonewanderer) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

@Auston – that made an interesting read, and it has inspired me. However doesn’t it suck that are parents weren’t more inspirational and better role models. I’m impressed your working hard to overcome it though.

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Profile photo of Beth Beth (@bathey13) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

What you are feeling is natural. You are supposed to separate from your parents.

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Profile photo of Cody Cody (@3ndless3uphoria) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

I am in the same boat. No. I am on the same sea. My parents are the complete opposite of motivational and inspirational. They had suppressed my curiosity with their ignorance. I’ve tried having deep, sophisticated conversations with them; but they only referenced religion in their shallow answers. They’re really not even answers, just response.

But I’ve realized that they are themselves, and I am myself. They have dealt with life to the best of their ability. Even if your parents lives are not your ideal use of existence. It was the best they could do. Can you do better? No. If you went through every single experience they did, you would be just like them.

I love my parents. I look up to them. They have dealt with the many hardships of life, and they still have the ability to raise me. To love me. Even if they’re not as intelligent as me. I’m not any better.

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Profile photo of Tom Tom (@lonewanderer) 3 years, 1 month ago ago

@Cody – how do you know they tried their best. Not everyone tries their best, i don’t think my parents have done thier best.

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