“It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it”
I don’t understand how you think you know someone so well, and then once they do something to betray your trust you feel like you just don’t even know them anymore. Aren’t we all human? Aren’t we all going to make mistakes? Not trying to defend what he did… but why does it truly take seconds to destroy trust and change an entire relationship?
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Trust is what builds a shared future and is at the heart of civilisation – the idea that we each ‘have each other’s back’ so that we can focus on doing something that we would not not do if we didn’t believe someone was looking out for us. ..providing us with the secure environment required to build that shared future.
Trust is that feeling that someone else cares about you so much that there is no need of fear …no need to guard your self or consider any risk. As such it is the source of ultimate relaxation and is a necessary pre-condition to love.
The danger is that we all to often, and all too easily, create a sub-conscious connection between ‘love’ and our idealised vision of the future – Trust provides the hook for this connection to occur. This future ideal becomes the source of our hope and strength.
When Trust is broken, or removed or evaporates, it hits us as s shaft of cold sharp pain dressed as betrayal. Our future is stolen away – we feel bereft of hope. We feel gutted and abandoned.
However the fact is we are probably set ourselves up for this ugly outcome as soon as we begin living in the future – anticipating and ‘banking’the future before it actually happens. If we live in the present, the ‘now’, rather than anticipating a romanticised future, we are far better equipped to deal with unplanned realities. We can adapt and accept far more easily, and beyond this, we can enjoy.
For example, a woman who finds that her boyfriend is seeing another woman is faced with a single choice – accept it and enjoy the fact that you have no responsibility to his happiness, or ditch him and enjoy the freedom to meet someone else who is more closely aligned to you. Reality and Truth is a gift if we treat it as such. Trust is a bond – it provides benefits but, like a drug, it is easily abused.
@siezmic I understand what you are saying… but how does a person deal with relationships again after the trust is broken? how does a person learn how to trust again… that is the hard part. and the annoying part of all of this. what if you had a whole plan with this person and then they broke your trust, and now, like you said feel gutted and abandoned. but you still don’t want to lose him. does that make you crazy?
@citygirl9050, I don’t think it makes you crazy at all. I think it means you feel unconditional love towards him and aren’t letting your ego get in the way. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
I’d say a person is crazy to be with someone who keeps betraying the trust.
I think that, as simple as it might seem, it just depends on whether they did it unintentionally or on purpose; in the first case, forgiveness is completely understandable, but I assume you’re talking about the latter… In which case, sadly, there is absolutely no reason why they wouldn’t betray your trust again… So it’s up to you to decide whether you’re willing to put them above yourself and give them the power to hurt you again anytime. In my opinion, however long the relationship, it’s just not worth doing that. One thing my math teacher used to say that makes complete sense to me is “don’t be afraid to just strike off the entire equation and start again, if you feel it’s wrong”. There’s no way to get it right, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, no matter how far you go…
I wish that I could document my source…unfortunately all I can recall at the moment is listening to an interview on public radio(NPR)…most likely with a researcher who recently wrote a book…(probably could find the interview on NPR.org)…the subject was trust …they were talking about scientific studies regarding the human tendency to distrust …especially anyone considered a “stranger or newcomer”…the point being that we tend to distrust automatically, like a reflex…it’s an evolved trait ie. linked to survival. It makes sense that we evolved this way because the consequences of trusting can be catastrophic…whereas the consequences of witholding trust aren’t likely to impact survival. I recall the author emphasizing the idea that it was important enough to become “hard wired” in our brains because it would only take ONE time when trusting was a mistake to get you killed …so even lost opportunities that might result from trusting couldn’t out weigh the survival benefit of not trusting./// So it may be that to some extent the question of trust is not entirely a conscious choice…and the pain which results from “getting burned” triggers a rapid and tenacious “learning” to avoid making the same mistake twice.
It isn’t so much about trust than it is about understanding. If you believe (like I do) that no one can ever do something that can’t be forgiven then you will always find a way to come back to that person you love. People that can’t forgive themselves or other often find it hard to trust after they have been hurt. I did something bad that I would prefer not to discuss unless private, but my loved one was able to forgive me. It was hard and her trust with me was hurt, but I showed her that it was mistake and that it will never happen again. Show them that you care and that you really want this, that you will do anything to earn there forgiveness! Then and only then will the distrustful trust. I will warn you however that is is not an easy road. You have to really mean it from deep within your heart.