I have had enough of all this pussy footing around, its BS and serves no purpose, the FACT, that you have found a connection with another human being who just happens to be of the same sex, SAYS everything, and it’s time someone just fucking spills it:
Who you allow yourself to connect with is a personal choice, based upon your life’s accumulation, and the only thing that makes a connection ‘bad’ is if the relationship is destructive in nature.
The ONLY THING that matters is that you connect with someone. This is it. This is the Reality of this world. Who cares who it is? If it is of the same sex?
And you’re right, me being straight makes it impossible for me to understand what it feels like to persecuted like you do, I agree 100%, BUT, I do know one thing, I understand how bullies, the ones who feel the need to persecute others out of ignorance, work.
They rely on you to FUEL their anger, so to control you they say something that makes you emotionally respond, this pours fuel onto the fire of their insecurity because they see that you have taken the hook. When you respond emotionally to a bully, they win.
If you do not respond emotionally to them, you win. You defuse them, instead of adding coals to their fire, you are pulling the embers out, taking away their vigor, one ‘lol’ at a time.
How do you do this? Recognize the TRUTH:
((( The ONLY THING that matters is that you connect with someone. This is it. This is the Reality of this world. Who cares who it is. )))
So if someone is mocking you for who you decided to connect with, fuck them, who the fuck are they to judge you so one dimensionally? They are actually the ones in the wrong, you have to know this
once you know it, you will find your anger and rage for someone being so cruel start to subside as you understand the dynamics of the situation more, and recognize that in reality, this individual’s limited world view and lack of understanding of connection forces them to respond to something different as a dog does to a stranger at the door.
((( “as a dog does to a stranger at the door.” )))
This is the truth. Do NOT give them POWER over you for something that, (1) Is a character flaw in them., (2) is an irrelevant point because relationship is about connection.
The negative connotation associated with the words ‘gay’, ‘fag’, etc. will remain a negative only as long you continue to allow yourself to be provoked by them so easily.
The bully wins when you do this, and perpetuates the cycle.
I’m curious as to what brought about this little rant, my friend. Was some mean ol’ bully calling you a fag? lol
Seriously though, why the anti standing-up-to-bullying sentiments? Sure bullies exist with their intolerant masochism, sure people occasionally feed their behavior by giving in to provocation, and sure “turn the other cheek” sounds like a great policy, but the reality is when those being pushed don’t push back in some way, they’re only encouraging repeat offenses on the behalf of the bully. Whether enticed by acute retaliation, or enticed by what they perceive as weakness due to lack of confidence, a bully will be a bully until put in their place by bringing to light their motivations and/or their own insecurities. It’s a touchy situation with no sure-fire way of resolving it peacefully. To tell anyone to just ignore it and move on may work once in a while, but there are still those many circumstances where this isn’t enough, the bully tastes blood, and he wants more.
Having been a victim of bullying early on in my life, I can say I’ve got some stories. I was the quiet observer throughout most my adolescence, and never much retaliated. But when pushed to the limit, I ended the direct action against myself by showing one particularly retarded redneck just how much of a pussy he didn’t realize he was.
But when I reached high school, I was still witness to it. I finally got fed up with it one year, when a not too uncommon sight of four boys walking behind me throwing rocks at a heftier boy walking farther up ahead caused my blood to boil. I immediately paused my conversation with my friend who I was walking to class with, turned about to get right into the face of the one who was obviously the leader of this sad little pack, and proceeded to tell him that if he threw one more rock, it would go straight down his throat. Long story short (TOO LATE!) while he tried to feign innocence while still attempting to appear tough, he backed down almost instantly.
In hind sight, I probably could have wound up trying to fend off four boys not much smaller than myself for a good 5-10 minutes before any teachers would’ve noticed, but I didn’t care, I was pissed. Pissed that no one else seemed to notice or care, pissed that those boys seemed to think they were somehow better than the slightly obese boy (whose identity I still don’t know to this day), and severely pissed that I was gonna be late to class because some dumb fuck wanted to throw rocks in order to look cool. Looking back I realize that I could have handled it in a much less violent manner, but I didn’t know any better then.
I once witnessed a drunken 22yo gay man beat the dog piss out of 3 would be teenage gay-bashers out in front of an unofficially gay bar. The cops were eventually called and no one was arrested, but the teens had their parents well informed. As it turns out, one was a closet homosexual, one was fatherless, and the other was a victim of abuse. The fatherless one was sent away to live with relatives, the victim of abuse was severely beaten by his father, and the closet homosexual later came out to the 22yo who beat him up. Funny, but true.
Looking back I realize now that any one of these situations could’ve been handled none-violently, but not by simply ignoring it. If I were to suggest any course of action to anyone being bullied, it would be as follows: Stand your ground, I know this sounds hard, but you mustn’t give them any reason to see you as weak and easy prey, which is why the next step is so important; force yourself to remain calm, at peace, centered, so that you don’t shake from adrenaline or show undue emotion; identify and single out the leader, it’s pretty easy to do once you know what to look for, and there’s always a leader in every pack; once you’ve singled him out, try to create a quick but viable theory as to his reasoning for attempting to subordinate you, and then call him on it (Why do you enjoy pushing people around? ‘because I can’ Is it because your insecure? etcetcetc). He (or she, as bullies aren’t always just boys) will most likely be confused or upset by this, but don’t let that stop you. Just let reasonable words flow from you, without thinking too much, and you’ll more than likely hit on exactly what it is that drives him to act this way. Now, be prepared throughout, as he may do one of two things. He may become insecure, stuttering, ineffective in words or thoughts and eventually back down as he is ridiculed by his mates; or he may lash out in anger. But If you can prevent this by continuing on with your theory and presenting your offer of solutions and assistance in the matter, he just may back down entirely, and maybe even come back to you for help or an ear once he’s away from his cronies.
I’ll admit, this doesn’t always work, and you may have to resort to fight or flight tactics, but I have had this work for me on more than one occasion.
Of course no one should have to get bullied, but nor should the bulliers feelings and motivations be discarded as invalid.
It’s interesting that you bring this topic up in light of this: http://www.refugeelawproject.org/others/09_12_18_Anti-homosexuality_Bill_Compilation.pdf
“…but the reality is when those being pushed don’t push back in some way, they’re only encouraging repeat offenses on the behalf of the bully.”
This is not what I mean by not responding, I am not implying take no action, I talking about acknowledging the truth before engaging, without, you lose control, which is what the bully wants.
What you mentioned is how my parents taught me to handle bullies, instead of standing up for the truth, just ignore them, they’ll go away.
Please re-read knowing that I am 100% in agreance with your premise.
@tine, yea, I wasn’t fully aware of your stance until after posting. The replies only filled half of the first page when I started typing, and I kinda carried on, sorry :)
After reading more of your replies further and further into, I can see that we’re pretty much in agreement, though I still maintain that while they’re very ignorant and misled, bullies are just as valid as you, and while they may deserve to get the shit kicked out of them, without anyone showing concern for their thoughts and emotions, they’ll just carry on with how they were before.
“I’m curious as to what brought about this little rant, my friend. Was some mean ol’ bully calling you a fag? lol”
Nah, I wouldn’t care anyway. What brought this up is befriending several couples of gays, mostly male, but one female couple, and having in depth conversations with them about their circumstances and how they feel reality treats them.
And reality treats them baaaaddd at times, NOT because there is anything fundamentally wrong with them, but because what they represent is so different from what the person is used to.
It is the specific individual’s inability to deal with change that is affecting how they respond to something as socially different as gayness.
But, key phrase, “It is the specific individual’s inability…”, NOT because what they are opposing is something a reasonable person would stand against, and if you are gay and feel oppressed, you need to understand, IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS THEM.
Once this truth is fully realized, the bully’s remarks are put into context, where each cutting thing they say is reduced by the knowledge of how insignificant their words are if you consider the catalyst for them
@beyond, actually, by the time I was done dealing with douche-mc-redneck, the kid that they were pelting with rocks was out of sight. Not my fault, and I would’ve talked to him, but never had the opportunity. Please don’t make assumptions about me, you have no idea how many bullied people I may or may not have counselled, so just leave your judgements at the door if you would.
“… without anyone showing concern for their thoughts and emotions, they’ll just carry on with how they were before.”
O for sure man, this is why responding in anger only makes it worse for you, and for them, they never get to interact with someone that cares about others for no reason… unless someone shows the intellectual strength to set their emotions aside and focus on the core issue, the truth, which is the bullies inability to accept change due to a damage, the situation is a never ending, a self feeding cycle of BS.
Change occurs only through exposure.
“and if you are gay and feel oppressed, you need to understand, IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS THEM.”
Very true, which is why I like what you followed with…
“Once this truth is fully realized, the bully’s remarks are put into context, where each cutting thing they say is reduced by the knowledge of how insignificant their words are if you consider the catalyst for them”
You could see it as if it’s almost like bully is merely picking on his reflection, like the words and insults are just aimed at himself due to his latent insecurities.
“I’ve always thought gay guys should start calling each other fag the way people say “dude” or frat boys say “bro.” If you own it all the power is taken away from someone trying to use it demeaningly.”
I agree, we have seen a deescalation in the power of the ‘N’ word due to its common use, though said slightly differently these days.
Just please understand, that if you are not gay, this issue will not spark an understanding in you, therefore your ability to brush off terms like ‘gay’ / ‘faggot’ is dramatically different then someone experiencing it.
Only those targeted by the words can change the meaning of them by a recognition of the TRUTH
So please be sensitive, as I am sure we all have an area that would trigger us in a similar way.
@tine, yo gays just need to fuck off ok. dicks were meant to go into vaginas. not dicks going into another guys ass. if someone wants to be gay, that is not alright. one you can not be offended if someone calls you out on it and two you can not act tough and be proud of being gay because that does not impress anyone. gay people do not impress people. the average person does not walk around and thing hmm i wish i was gay. gays fuck off.
everyone is entitled to their view on reality, even you
but i would like to point out that your statement shows a considerable lack of empathy and understanding of the circumstances that lead to someone being gay
what you seem to imply is that connection is fine, as long as it doesn’t bother your sensibilities, and dear god, if it does,
“… dicks were meant to go into vaginas. not dicks going into another guys ass. if someone wants to be gay, that is not alright, one you can not be offended if someone calls you out on it and two you can not act tough and be proud of being gay because that does not impress anyone. gay people do not impress people.”
and also, to point a further misunderstanding on your part,
” …. two you can not act tough and be proud of being gay because that does not impress anyone.”
this was never, not once implied, there is no acting in what i am talking about. this reveals your perspective and general misunderstanding of the matter even more