So whenever I’m alone I know a lot of things, and I know a lot of words, but whenever I’m with people (especially in a group) I cannot for the life of me make my brain work to recall certain things that I know. Say I’m trying to think of the right word for something, it’s suddenly not there. Or knowledge of a subject in a group conversation, I know what they’re talking about but I can’t think of anything that I know about it to be able to join in, and as soon as I’m alone again I know the stuff. Is this just my brain being slow under pressure? Surely there are some mind excercises to keep my brain alert on the spot, please share some along with any other advise that you may have.
@brandonphillips, I have the same problem a lot of times. Used to be more! I noticed it a while back but then brought it to full attention maybe a couple of months ago when I realized that I was not being real with my friends or being very much myself with them at all, not nearly as smart and just playing their games. So I think you’ve already won half the battle when you realize this. When you are with other people just try to be real with them, try to not give a fuck and remember that your real good friends are probably going to want to know the real you anyway. Slowly I’m opening up, I’m trying really hard and then I come home and think about how everything went. I try to think positively about how much fun or how I’m going to make a good use out of socialization either for myself or for others, instead of going in there “knowing” ahead of time that I’m not going to feel quite myself. Things have gotten a whole lot better dude in just a couple months! and I know I still have a loong way to go. Hope this helps
@brandonphillips, Its really hard for me too, but not as much anymore. If you want to improve you’ve just got to take little baby steps. Put yourself into a social situation like you don’t usually, like say something that you think where you usually wouldn’t. Look at how you react and how others do too. I think every crappy situation, every time somebody gets mad at me for asserting myself (thats usually like a parent) or uncomfortable, disagrees or whatever is just a chance to peel back an onion layer and know my and everyone else’s true colors. But most of the time its not that bad. I’m a good actor and I didn’t know it. I know how to act to be someone I’m not for other people and I didn’t know it, now I do and I can peel that back.. slowly. Its actually kinda fun man!
So here’s a quote I wrote in that I came up with on this subject: “The more fear I experience and choose to obey, the less accountability & responsibility I take & less of the unalienable absolute freedom to choice that I assume with my experience.”
Haha… same happens to me. A LOT. Yes, pressure is a major stressful factor, I believe. Cause it gets you in a hurry, there’s a lot of information floating around your head and you don’t know which one to choose… what to say best to suit the conversation in a proper, structural and beautiful way. When you’re alone, the pressure is gone, there’s no hurry… so everything comes naturally, there’s no one to interrupt you or come with a better thought than yours. Is not the brain’s fault, is just us and our stressful human emotions that require a bit more practice of speech in a particular environment.
@ioanabogdan, I know for a fact that one of the reasons as to why I am shy a lot is because there have been a plethora of times where I was thinking “okay, time for me to say something, I actually have something to say, I can do this, there won’t be a problem with it.” So I speak up, and I was completely and utterly ignored with nothing but a glance…. I don’t mean to sound like a puss but it’s heartbreaking. It left a sinking feeling in my heart. That’s something that will make you never want to talk to anyone again. And I used to be interupted A LOT when I was younger, around other peers and such. Me, being the well mannered considerate person that I am cannot do anything but let people finish what they have to say before I speak, it’s just plain rude to interupt people. And now subconsciously I do not want to talk as much because I don’t want to be interupted, or ignored, and have people think I’m stupid and possibly start some sort of arguement.
It’s true what they say that nice guys finish last. It’s the rude, inconsiderate, outgoers that earn most of the social glory. I can’t help that I know better than to wait until someone is finished talking to speak, sometimes I have interupted just to get a word in, and it doesn’t feel right because I’ve already been subject to that rule of politeness.
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@brandonphillips, And yes Brandon I too have struggled with the same issue for a long time, being the nice guy and being shy and holding back because i’m not “good at talking.” It really is a shitty feeling when you finally gather the courage to say what you’re trying to say and everyone ignores you. I’ve learned recently, like @deej said, that you just have to stay true to yourself, keep it real, don’t try to impress, and avoid giving a shit about others opinion of you because yours is the only one that matters. Your true friends will always listen. If you say valid things all the time but not frequently, the people who really know you will help you to make sure you aren’t ignored by others. I’ve learned that recently, and seeing others helping me is a real great feeling.
@brandonphillips, They are not necessarily rude, its a pretty bad feeling, but most people aren’t and don’t want to try to think about what others have to say but want to get in on getting listened to. Sometimes people just talk gibberish to be heard to fill a void with nonsense and its all kind of pointless approval seeking, but not always. You probably want to talk about something real but if you are so worried about what is “right and wrong” “rude and okay” you probably won’t be present enough to listen to what they have to say or care about what you have to say. And if you think about it how do you think people are going to feel around you? Thats why you have to keep a positive mindset and think about the things you want to talk about, be interested in things, ideas, people other than getting your word in.
@brandonphillips, I like this. I am the same way. When it comes to convo’s I don’t have much to say and I tend to tense up. sometimes the things you say that get instantly ignored can stick with you. Or its that or You’re either a Listener than a talker when it comes to carrying a certain topic of convo. Im Like that. I have a keen sharp ear where I listen and reply with little to say. And when the conversation is over I replay the convo in my head to concoct a conclusion or whatever. Maybe your the same way?
@lesterdeguzman, It makes sense, I’ve always been a listener, I suppose you grow to be one or the other through life experiences. I just need to learn how to balance it and be more active in the conversations opposed to just being some sort of observer on the side. It gets boring that way and it’s harder to make new friends when you haven’t said much in the convo.
I had and occasionally still have this problem. I find it’s easiest just to talk yourself through it when you can’t remember stuff or can’t think of stuff to say. At least you are buying yourself time and hopefully getting more comfortable talking at the same time. Just follow you natural train of thoughts and edit them as the edits come to you.
Also, I got this book called How To Talk To Anyone that has been really helpful. Read it several times and I still review it sometimes before going to parties or date or whatever. It’s got a lot of good techniques for making conversations better when you really don’t have shit to say. It helped me A lot.
@brandonphillips, Yes, I can totally relate to what you’re saying. It is so very frustrating when you’re in a conversation and you’re trying to make a point, something that you know it is meaningful and essential… and the other person interrupts you or doesn’t really listen to what you’re saying. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen R. Covey
In my experience, I’ve seen many people talking nonsense, yet still managing to get the attention of every one around. I’ve come to understand that often it isn’t what you say, but HOW you say it. First of all, you gotta believe in yourself. Self-Confidence must be the source of anything that you do or say. And second of all, it’s a matter of tone volume, intonation, facial expressions. When you’re telling a story you gotta get in that story and say it, you don’t have to care about what the others might say next, their reactions and even if you wanna be polite and listen to anyone, they have to listen to you too.
Check out this video, I’ve found it very helpful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_HBvbHa9-A
@brandonphillips, hmm thats true but why exercise something you don’t have much take on when you got the ears of an animal. Idk, i think if you’d exercise your listening skills more, the more friends you can make by the ones who’ll come up to you for advice. Im that guy who a lot of people come to because of that. I think that the more you exercise that innate side of you, the more it’ll give you an easier way of responding to the friends that come to you for advice, opinions etc. Just a suggestion maybe, based on my experiences of being a good listener