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Avatar of Benjamin Heldt

I need help.

Lately it seems that I’m all over the board with what I feel, what I want, what I think I know about anything at all, what I value, etc. It feels like I’m spread out so thin to cover so many things, things that contradict each other, that I am constantly bouncing back and forth to each of them, and it’s infuriating. Let me explain.

I can categorize the moods:
1. All I want is to be nice to people and seeing others compassion makes me really emotional. I want to help people and fix problems and teach people.
2. Contrasting the first, I am cynical, I want to hurt people because of their stupidity, I’d likely become a criminal or military mercenary. I feel cold towards people and don’t understan anyone’s problems, nor do I wish to help them.
3. Combining the first two I want to do good but in violent ways, like a vigilante would. Or a Police Officer (one of my long time career choices)
4. I want to experience bad scarring things like seeing murder, dangerous drugs, getting raped, near death injury, coma, being bullied, etc. specifically so I can use my knowledge to help others in the same positions.
5. I want to master qigong and use my powers for something significant, something noteworthy. I want to leave my mark so people will remember me.
6. I mainly just want to die because I’m fed up with all of life’s mysteries, like why anything even exists at all, or how we were originated, or what if everyone is lying to you, or what if everyone you know leads a second life you don’t know about.
7. Contrasting the 6th, I am increasingly awestruck of life’s beautiful mysteries that I can’t hardly function, and crying is almost promised every time I am in this mood.

I could go on with these. They last a varying amount of time, usually no longer than a day, and I’m back to my default which I’m usually just myself during (quiet, nice, motivated, spiritual). The hardest part is, I don’t know how to make decisions in everyday life because I know that I’ll regret it during one of my extreme moods. I’m also super hesitant to make any big decisions because I’m not quite sure all the time if I am already in one of my moods. Should I just embrace them all and lead a multi-faceted life?

0 votes, posted 07.15.2013 at 11:50 pm
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Avatar of Obfuscate
Obfuscate (@HowardHolmes)1 year ago ago

You claim a contrast between points one and two, but there is actually no contrast at all. Seeing people as in need of help (item 1) and seeing people as fallible (item 2) amounts to exactly the same thing which is seeing yourself as different from and distinguished from and alienated from and better than others. These feelings will go away when you stop trying to be special.

It is also clear that you (as are most humans) totally focused on promoting yourself to others as special. You know, deep down, that you are nothing special, so when you finally realize this you will be fine.

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Avatar of bigmac22
bigmac22 (@bigmac22)1 year ago ago

i know your struggle. i am much the same way. on the one hand, i am motivated to do great things, i want to change the world, write my name on people’s lives, but on the other hand, all i really want and all that would be my happiness is a small garden, a good family, and a home where no one bothers me except my friends. i want to help people with their problems, but seeing how far gone most people are in their stupidity makes me eager for a war that will just wipe them all out, giving people who know a few things a fresh start. i want peace, i would hate having to use violence to solve problems, but i still prepare myself for its use. if i may recommend some things, i’d say first of all, don’t assume you know anything. everything is fluid, everything changes, except truth. find truth, and seek nothing but truth. i have come to a state of being where i find great joy in helping others even with just small problems, but at the same time i feel like i am awfully close to just drifting away from life in general. not that i get suicidal, but to die sounds like a relief, a relief from the stupidity that we must deal with in our society. my best advice would simply be to quietly, privately, turn your life and everything you are and have over to whatever you consider to be Deity, God, whatever, and let that guide you. free yourself to experience whatever you are in at the moment. you sound like you are experiencing the pain of being at least partially enlightened to reality. true reality. and you want to share it with people, but most people are too damn stupid to understand or appreciate it. those moments where you could cry for joy, most people wouldn’t think twice about, or would consider it a weakness to feel such emotion. i’d say just don’t fight the feelings. welcome them, explore them, find reasons for them. search for self understanding, and decide your own purpose.

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Avatar of Peter
Peter (@Gismo)1 year ago ago

@heldtbenjamin23, I would say, meditate, meditate and meditate.. I think you’re in between.. I’ve been feeling not exactly what you are describing, but I’ve been caught in between these indefinable areas of confusion and as my frustration rose along with the number of mind-boggling questions in my head I found that meditation seemed to diffuse these questions into different energies, sometimes it would convert into sadness and I would be sad for a day, other times they would convert into energy-frenzies and I’d be the happiest loving guy around but now down the line, I’m finding calm and much more positive perspectives on life.. Not that I’ve found answers to all my questions but I’ve found a deep rooted belief that I’ll find what is nessesary for me to know at any given point in my life.. Let the control go, it’s only an illusion, you don’t have any, so stop trying to figure out all the answers and just go with the flow, again meditation will help you do this.. My best advice, smoke some weed, put on some music you like, use whatever time you have to, to silence your thoughts and then listen/feel you heartbeat and nothing else (even if it feels like it’s hurting), that’s what worked for me to get through something similar..

And yeah almost what HowardHolmes said, realize that you’re not the special one, we all are, it’s not your burden to bear alone ;-)

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Avatar of Benjamin Heldt

@HowardHolmes, I don’t think I’m special, but thanks for your concern.

@bigmac22, Thank you, that did help quite a bit. I’m a tad better as it is, and I think I just get into these moods once in a while, when I shouldn’t really worry; I’ll get back to my default soon enough.

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Avatar of bigmac22
bigmac22 (@bigmac22)1 year ago ago

@heldtbenjamin23, yeah, that seems to be how it goes. i am usually very neutral. even about my own life, almost as if i were just a passenger along for the ride. its quite odd, and interesting. also, you might enjoy this poem i wrote some years ago, but it captures the general mood quite well i think. http://a.allpoetry.com/poem/5646721-I_Am-by-justafeller

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Avatar of Benjamin Heldt

@Gismo, Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Just go with it. Resist nothing. Let it all go sort of thing. Go Tao. Thanks.

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Avatar of DaFunks
DaFunks (@Dafunks)1 year ago ago

Whatever you do, don’t become a police officer. The police have too many people who think like this and… Its not a good thing.

But, I think you are just trying to find out who you are. Many of us grow up acting how we think we should be. We learn from Media, society that we live and the internet. Most of the places we learn from are new to the human race. Our brains have not developed to see TV, Music and Internet as not real (We think we do, but we don’t).

Stop thinking “I should be this way, or that way” and just be. Of course, don’t go killing anyone or hurting anyone.

My advice? Pick up some Buddhism or Tao books. I was VERY much like you. I have a criminal record for violence because I loved to fight and get involved in things. I regret it all. I now understand WHY I was like this… I also see many men exactly like I was.

I am not saying I am not like this all the time. I get times where I drift back into it… I want excitement and to experience things…. I am not content with life.

But, I want to be happy. I try not expect anything… That really is the answer. Expect nothing and your happy.

Anyway, hope you get some answers from people here.

Please, don’t join the Police.

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Avatar of Benjamin Heldt

“The police have too many people who think like this…”
@Dafunks, What do you mean think like this?

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Avatar of Omey
Omey (@Omey)1 year ago ago

Seems our minds our the same, and you will find no words of comfort here, life is a struggle, that’s what it is, an ever lasting battle and you’ll find no rest or peace.

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Avatar of Hay
Hay (@Haley)1 year ago ago

@heldtbenjamin23, Referring to “Lifes beautiful mysteries” here, I’d like to put in input that they are mysterious because we will never know the answer to them or truly any other question, which leads to the question, how can you ever prove anything?
I suppose that is one of the greatest questions you can be asked to answer, how can one truly know? The answer, of course cannot be as great and thought provoking as the question sadly. But i suppose we never truly know anything, the human race refuses to allow that though, they are a weak minded and completely self- absorbed race. We believe we can accomplish anything and like to completely and utterly deny that we are in and always will be in the complete inability to accomplish any task whatsoever. So we like to believe evidence is key. How will santa ever be dubbed real? If he shows himself to the world, if he shows his to factory and proof that the reindeer can fly. Shouldnt that be enough? For a simple minded human race it is. But for me, and most likely other human life forms i’d like to delve deeper than the usual and stretch to say evidence is useless. Most evidence is is something you can see, that automatically slashes out the entire blind population from ever knowing anything, or maybe you have to hear it, the deaf once again crossed out, or smell it, those who cant smell, slashed. You get the point. That evidence is found through the senses, that does seem extremely unfair to those who lack a sense, but in true reality, the sound could be an illusion, so could the sight and the touch or any other sense, fake. Therefore we are just about as blinded or deafened as anyone who actually doesnt obtain that sense. In a shorter answer we will never truly know anything for sure, but I suppose that is one of the greatest parts of being a simple minded human, the bitter sweet belief that what our senses tell us is real, its almost like a trust fall in this case you’ll just keep falling, never to hit the floor or have someone catch you. Just as though we will never have proof of god we will never for sure know of his existence yet he is on the US currency. So in conclusion, there is absolutely no all knowing.
This makes reference to your items because you will never truly know and whether it is worth wasting time pondering upon is a separate question but just thought i’d add maybe a different angle

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Avatar of DaFunks
DaFunks (@Dafunks)1 year ago ago

@heldtbenjamin23,
“2. Contrasting the first, I am cynical, I want to hurt people because of their stupidity, I’d likely become a criminal or military mercenary. I feel cold towards people and don’t understan anyone’s problems, nor do I wish to help them.

3. Combining the first two I want to do good but in violent ways, like a vigilante would. Or a Police Officer (one of my long time career choices)”

““The police have too many people who think like this…”
@Dafunks, What do you mean think like this?”

Do you really think a person who thinks “”Contrasting the first, I am cynical, I want to hurt people because of their stupidity, I’d likely become a criminal or military mercenary. I feel cold towards people and don’t understand anyone’s problems, nor do I wish to help them.” should become a police officer? The police already have many people like this. This is why they are not respected. This is also why the Armed forces is doing so well. It is full of people like this. Sadly, it is the innocent who suffer.

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Avatar of Benjamin Heldt

@Dafunks, When I’m in that particular mood I don’t want to be a police officer. That’s the kind of mood where I would likely become a criminal. And these moods I mentioned; they each happen and only last up to a few hours. The only one that has lasted longer than a day is number 7 where I’m awestruck by life and it’s intricacy.

Anyways, my point is, I would never be a police officer with the intention of being cynical and cold towards people. In many cases, I think that I might be often times too soft to be a police officer, seeing as how I don’t like to hurt people, moreso it would be hard for me to kill someone even in a dire situation.

I think that over all of this, the most likely profession that I’ll occupy is education.

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Avatar of ashtonbrainwavelove

@heldtbenjamin23, Recently I read a piece, giving out some scientific proof that human beings are often being controlled and affected by outer powers and astral entities. I am sorry I didn’t bookmark or save the article, so that I can send it to you. This happens when your aura is not strong enough, so they basically affect your thoughts and your behavior. You think that it’s you, but it’s actually another being, controlling your mind and your emotions. This easily explains the contrasting moods and in fact the article was giving similar examples to what you are talking about!

What you need to do is take steps to get to the root to who you really are and strengthen your aura. This can be achieved by great consistency and following practices like meditation and concentration (doing them on a daily basis). I would also highly recommend cleansing your energy body – this is something that will give you fast results. The two best ways to do that is 1. doubling the number of showers you take each day; 2. burning fire. I elaborate more on that in a video about cleansing your energy body, you can see it here:http://tiny.cc/energy-body-cleanse

Keep us posted and all the best of luck to you!

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Avatar of ritika
ritika (@ritikaaaaa)1 year ago ago

@heldtbenjamin23

I was very amazed to read your initial post because I am often conflicted with the moods you’ve mentioned above. I describe my relationship with people as a love and hate one, like your #1, 2. I can’t say I understand #3. But, I really really can resonate with #4,5,6,7. Especially the last two, constantly pulling me in different directions.

I should say that my moods are not as extreme as yours. I manage to function decently in real life. I’m very involved in university, and am doing well in my courses. I take each day as it comes, and if I’m feeling particularly negative, I just let myself feel that way, and indulge in some down-time. I just recognize it as a useless day and try to do the best I can. Having that said, I am also an avid reader, and a huge fan of shows and movies, which I find distract me from myself in my day to day thoughts. I write a lot to understand what I’m feeling.

But regardless, I do feel a constant frustration, almost every day. I feel a void and an emptiness and a lack of something I can’t put my finger on. I’m surviving the best I can, so I’m not sure how much of help I can be.

Do let me know if you’d like to talk further.

Take care.

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Avatar of Benjamin Heldt

@ritikaaaaa, Hm that’s very interesting. Yes, since I posted this, I have managed to control it a bit more by just reassuring myself to calm down and that everything is always in flux. That really helps; “everything is always in flux and everything is constantly changing and shifting so just calm down” I repeat it to myself like a mantra and sometimes I immediately go back to my state of equilibrium.
About the constant frustration and void, I think that what helped me the most with this is being really upfront with myself. Not letting it fester. I stop everything that I’m doing, figure out why I’m upset, and solving it that way. If I can’t figure out a root cause, which is often, I just carry on, not quite feeling better, but rest assured that it will pass given enough time.

@ashtonbrainwavelove, That’s really interesting I’ve never heard of anything like that before, but I’ll be sure to try and look a few things up about it. As for the cleansing thing, I have already done the shower thing, and that seems to help significantly. Especially while listening to music as well.

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Avatar of Jordan
Jordan (@hekmix)1 year ago ago

@heldtbenjamin23, You are one depressing motherfucker. Stop being so serious man!

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Avatar of Jordan
Jordan (@hekmix)1 year ago ago

@heldtbenjamin23, 4. “I want to experience bad scarring things like seeing murder, dangerous drugs, getting raped, near death injury, coma, being bullied, etc. specifically so I can use my knowledge to help others in the same positions”

Are you serious?

Do you want to live a life like that?

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