Love Advice Please

2 years, 6 months ago

Hi, I can’t believe I am actually posting this since I’m usually the one giving the advice but it seems I can’t find the proper advice for myself.

So, here it is.

I’ve been on a relationship with a guy for nine months now.
The beginning of the relationship was awesome as hell but even in the first weeks/months I could see what would go wrong later.
My boyfriend is very self-confident; he considers himself highly intelligent – which is actually true BUT the real intelligence is to question yourself right? He is modest in his words whenever we talk about this topic but his behaviour shows he finds himself superior.
He is also quite impatient and so gets angry easily.
This, doesn’t suit me at all.

A couple of months ago I figured I would get the fun, the experience and the knowledge out of this relationship, and I would eventually end it when I decided I couldn’t bear his negative sides.

I think the time has come but
1) of course now I feel extremely sad whenever I think of ending it which makes it difficult
2) he’s going through a horrible horrible period therefore I don’t feel like letting him down

The last time I saw him he spoke to me like I was the shittiest shit on earth and I stormed out of his apartment.
Yesterday he sent me texts which I didn’t answer but after a while I did, I was just really cold.
And now he’s coming at my place for practical reasons.

My next moves are : not being cold but being myself; only not too in love because I think love actions might lead the other one into disagreeable ones (amazing how people and nature aren’t logical) – which was the case last time I saw him. I actually think I am going to behave as a friend and not as a lover/girlfriend in order to get used to the idea of quitting him and see how it goes (because I also explained to him everything that was going wrong and now I’m waiting to see if there will be any changes). This way I can also be there for his difficult moments. But I think that if it goes wrong again I will tell him I am ending our love relationship because he doesn’t correspond to what I want in a man. Or, if I’m going to be precise, that he has 5% of unbearable demeanor which make me feel particularly not at ease and that I don’t want to tolerate them. Because that’s how I see the relationships I’m in : you’re not here to tolerate, you’re here to share, have fun and grow up.

There, if anyone is up to reading all this and tell me what they think of the whole situation.
You also have to know that in the first hours I saw him I told him that if wasn’t my soul mate he was extremely close to it. We laugh all the time, have a high complicity in our couple and we’re very much alike except for the two main weaknesses he has.

Thanks anyway for this amazing website, just writing all of this makes me feel better.

September 23, 2012 at 10:33 am

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Profile photo of Filip Filip M (@filipek) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@cybcyb, you said “he’s going through a horrible horrible period therefore I don’t feel like letting him down”

This is one of the worst reasons for staying/being in a relationship. You are NOT responsible for HIM nor anybody else. In this way he can ‘blackmail’ you his whole life that he does not feel good etc., and what then? Will you stay together for ever just out of pity? Think about it.
If you really feel like ending the relationship, then this should not be a reason to stay with him. However, if this is just a ‘subreason’ and you want to try it anyway, then try. Do as your heart speaks. From my point of view it seems as if the relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning, since you said that you saw already at the beginning that it would go wrong.

“This, doesn’t suit me at all.” <– you are answering your own questions.

Be clear and strict in your actions/words towards him, do not give him false hope (which you will do when you will be still treating him as a friend and the relationship will not really be over), do not be scared to say no (on moments when you do not want to do something, then do not do it.),and be honest to him and to yourself.

Good luck, hope you will figure things out

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Profile photo of Joel Joel (@jp907) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@cybcyb, Well, first off, I’m going to go ahead and say you probably should never have gotten as involved as you are, knowing from the beginning that it would lead to a rough separation.

But the only thing to do now is to be straightforward with him. I agree with @filipek, tell him simply what is on your mind, how you feel and the direction you want to go with things. His other personal problems have little to do with the relationship itself, and while it may seem like a cruel thing to do as he goes through a rough period, forcing him to hold on to hope for an imminently doomed relationship is far, far worse.

As a guy, I’ve always hated when girlfriends didn’t speak their minds or were unclear/trying to play mind games. If you’ve truly got something you need to get across to him, stop hesitating.

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Profile photo of Almeida Almeida (@xetado) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@cybcyb, relationships always have good and bad moments. Being very sincere, I would say you can have some sex with him, that would boost his and your mood.

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Profile photo of J J (@smashtheclocks) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@cybcyb I’m going through almost exactly the same thing right now. I really want to break up with my girlfriend of 10 months, but every time it comes to it i just can’t do it. She’s so attached, and isn’t the type of girl that just accepts stuff. Instead i know she will drag it out, make tons of promises and try everything to keep me. I know what the right thing to do is, i know its the best option for the long term, but i can’t bring myself to actually break up when the moment comes!
Its almost like im waiting for some big event, like cheating on her, to kinda cause the break up for me

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@cybcyb,

Hi, this is what I read, “Hi. My boyfriend and I are really compatible but he is a dick/I don’t like the way he makes me feel. I want to dump him but I would feel bad if I did.”

So this is what I think: Your boyfriend is a big boy. He should be able to make it on his own, and if he can’t, then he will learn to be more of a man. Maybe then you both could have a successful, harmonious relationship where you can be confidently open with each other.

If he’s having problems and you keep supporting him, he might become reliant upon you. You wouldn’t be letting him down because you would no longer be together, instead you would be letting him know exactly what you want.

Honestly, I think you should just tell him and dump him because being for him half-way will make things messy. Let him know then let him go. Acting like a friend will mess with his mind, which sounds passive-aggressive to me. If you guys aren’t happy together, then you’ll be happier apart.

What are your thoughts on this?

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Profile photo of Grand Kahlib Grand Kahlib (@kahlib) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

Thank you for this rare look into the inner-workings of the female mind.
As to advice: just be honest and let him go. The chips will fall where they may. Stick to your guns and the best of luck!

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Lay down the fucking law!

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Profile photo of ashtonbrainwavelove ashtonbrainwavelove (@ashtonbrainwavelove) 2 years, 6 months ago ago

@cybcyb, Mentioning the 5% feels like you are weighing the pros and cons of a relationship… That’s funny, because this is more common for a man to do that :) Well, this is the simple answer to your long post (I did read it till the end) – if you don’t FEEL he is the one and have to say things like 5% is bad 20% is good 30% of the relationship is great, then just end it. Don’t stay with him just because he is going through a horrible period! Do the right thing, and let the universe do the rest – he might learn some good lessons from this, too…. I love this quote – ‘When you lose something, make sure you don’t lose the lesson you’ve learned, too;. :)

I sincerely wish you all the best of luck with this situation and with your life as a whole!

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