Make it clear that you want to be “More then friends”?
HE I have a question for you (:
As someone who has always been too nice, "Just friends", and has been told "I don’t want to risk our friendship" by many a girl only to have them go out with another friend… Just how do you do it?
I have searched for advice on this before and still watch the girls I like go out with that other guy as people tell me "You should have made your move. You so had a chance".
I do not want to seem desperate (I am cool being independent) but I would like to actually go out with someone I am interested and be more adventurous in life (:
(18, have hit first base once, had a bizarre online relationship)
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@Alien51 helpful yet simple to follow. Thank you! I will keep those tips in mind.
@Bobby Heh definitely no more online. I learnt a lot from that (a lot what not to do). I may make your movie suggestion my goal for the Summer. Its daring, I always over think things, but maybe I just need to go for it.
There really is no other way than just doing it. You are alive now, you have nothing to lose (truly) and you cannot possibly make a mistake. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. You are going to hurt and get hurt, inevitably, so there really is no reason not to take a leap of faith.
Now just do whatever you really want to do, you deserve nothing less.
This advice may be controversial, but the rule of thumb I try to go by is ALWAYS assume attraction until shown otherwise.
I also totally agree with Bobby. More often than not people can be stuck in that “does he/she like me or not” phase and it completely throws them into their head instead of being in the moment. Assuming the given female is already attracted to you allows you be more present.
Obviously the use of common sense is required with this advice.
Its always good to be the one who wants to make the first moves, and keep in mind that when she says she just wants to be friends, shes really not sure of what she wants so you gotta let her know that you want her. You cant play the waiting game and have mixed feelings for her all the time cause if you stay friends forever and yet you still like her…your gonna end up like Tom in 500 Days of Summer! you dont wanna be in that sort of mess!
Mein got! There are no techniques that work, there are no other ways that being honest and showing what you want. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you want to make it clear that you want to be more than friends, start by saying it, it’s not harder than that.
I don’t think you’re really communicating with them. You can’t communicate with girls if your thoughts are blocking, you need to express yourself, your emotions. And you need to be a man to really attract a (straight) woman. You can’t be more than friends if you aren’t attracting the girls.
Peace and good luck
The problem is that you take a stand as friend from beginning of a “relationship” with girl. That sets you in a position where you can never go out with that girl.
You have to give a signal that you want something more from her than friendship.
Even better, talk to you best girl friend, tell her your situation and collect the knowledge.
Girls don’t want a male friend, they want a boyfriend. For a friendship they have their girlfriends, but for a sex (and stuff) they want a man! A man who will defend them. It’s part of human nature.
@manimal, how would you yourself go about changing the dynamic from friends to lovers, once “friends” has been established for a while? I’ve searched all over the net and found a lot of people saying the “friend zone” is in fact permanent, but I figure that the only reason it stays that way is because the person who wants to be more than friends keeps acting in a way that communicates, “treat me like a friend”.
I’m thinking of cutting off contact with this person, and then getting to know them all over again later.
Also, on the topic of things going badly because people expect them to go badly – I agree. Still, what if you don’t think it will go badly, but the other person thinks it will? How do you convince them that it won’t go bad?
These people who say that stuff aren’t the type of people you should listen to.
Not only are they quitters, not only do they completely lack understanding of women, not only are they generally asocial and odd people, there’s so much that adds to their bullshit.
Cutting off contact and later picking it up from another angle, eh? Sounds really weird and slow. It’s so much a game of chance, a lot can happen during the time you don’t meet.
Besides, can you not see what a CREEPER SCHEME it is? Seriously, it’s like you’re scheming to manipulate someone into loving you… can you not see how crazy that is?
That stuff scares women away.
Have some spine, be honest, say it like it is. Make it clear that you don’t want to be just friends. How it hurts you, how much it sucks to not be more than that. How much you want her.
And if she doesn’t want you, then at least you know. No more leading you on.
Nothing of value is lost, it was a ticking time bomb anyway, a veneer of hope and love covering the harsh truth.
And even if it ends in failure, that’s just temporary and situational. Subjective.
You might meet later in life and things could be different, who knows? You could meet someone else, that you won’t meet if you stay in a painful “friendship”.
And even if you get rejected, at least you went for it, you were honest and so on. This is good for you, for your well-being, and for your attraction.
Passivity, supplication and dishonesty isn’t attractive. Strength, passion and accountability is.
You don’t need to convince someone that it won’t go bad. A lot of the time being convinced and/or passionate yourself is more than enough, a lot of ladies will just roll with it and trust you.
Others get excited that it could go wrong, and they need no convincing that it will be fine, some guys like to fuel these women’s drama. Saying “Yeah, you’re so bad for me” or “This is so wrong” or whatever. People get off on that, because it’s exciting to them.
You can’t convince someone to love you, and even if that was a possibility it would be really fucked up. Don’t stress it, it’s just love. Relax, roll with it. Have a good time, that’s what it’s all about.
@manimal, I definitely got the quitter vibe from those people too, the ones who say that the “friend zone” and rejection are permanent. They’re not the kind of people who get what they want, and since I don’t want to get what they get, I’ve never really wanted to believe their advice.
Another thing that comes up though when I look into attraction is this concept of “chemistry”. Again, I hear lots of people say “you either have it or you don’t”, which also sounds like quitter talk to me. I don’t like the idea that you are just predetermined to only have this “chemistry” with certain people. But how does one create chemistry in the first place? Do you believe a person can create chemistry with anyone?
People don’t understand the “chemistry”, because they confuse it with social ego bullshit.
This “chemistry” is just primal instinct. It’s all about pheromones and visual cues and such simple stuff. Body language, health, genetic expression. Basically, it’s when you see someone and your brain says “mate with it now!”
You can’t create it, it’s there or it isn’t.
You can play tricks that may produce a small temporary effect, women do it all the time and so do the douchebags, but it won’t seal any deals.
Guys who get rejected and “friend zoned” all the time have the same problem as girls who end up with crappy guys all the time. The problem is a very simple one, but one that most people will never see for what it is.
They bought into a big, crazy, irrational lie… one that most women repeat over and over and over.
You’ve been friend zoned, right? Did the girls tell you that it’s just them, that there’s plenty of other women out there who want someone like you, and other such clichés? They aren’t exactly lying yknow, because they fully believe in this.
A lot of these girls give themselves a hard time because they can’t seem to like these guys who they “should” like, they think there’s something wrong with themselves and things like that. They get confused and feel bad, and this frustration drives them right into the arms of someone who’s really bad for them.
It’s all because of this bullshit. People don’t want what they know, women especially.
Social conditioning, as long as we’ve been alive we’ve been told what men want and what women want… and most of it is nonsense but people think it’s real because they’ve been told so many times and they’ve seen so many people putting on a show that seems like the real deal. But the “real deal” doesn’t really exist.
These false preferences are not aligned with our biology, and it isn’t logical either, nor does it fit some higher strife of the spirit or anything like that.
So all these guys who listened to the girls and do as they were told, thinking they’re making the women happy and making themselves attractive… are really just making the women confused and making themselves awkward.
People don’t know what they want, and there’s always plenty of idiots telling them what they want.
People don’t know what others want from them, and there’s always plenty of idiots telling them what they want.
That’s the problem.
Don’t listen to the idiots, that’s all there’s to it.
You don’t need more understanding or more stuff to deal with relationship issues, you just need to get rid of the bullshit that’s piled up and wasn’t supposed to be there to begin with.
Yeah, you can become lovers but that usually ends bad. Ends like that you rarely ever hear that girl again.
If he is the guy that doesn’t care what happens, the he should go for is. Ask her out.
Don’t think, don’t analyze. Just do it!
But otherwise it’s a bad move.
I know from experience. Did that a couple of times…
It ends bad because people expect it to, when you expect something to happen you make it happen. Even if it ends “bad” that doesn’t mean you don’t hear from her again. Most of my female friends are girls that I’ve had relationships or casual sex with in the past but are now just my friends, and there’s nothing awkward about it.
People hold so much prejudice against relationships and sex, it’s ridiculous. Sex and love are some of the simplest things that exist, if it’s complicated it’s not love.
Whatever you do, don’t underestimate yourself and try not to wait. Waiting is what sends out that confusing signal that you only want to be friends. And unfortunately it’s sometimes tough to tell if she has feelings for you as well if you wait. We’re tricky, and I apologize for us as a whole haha. But even though I’m a girl I’ve spent a long time underestimating myself and comparing myself to other girls so I know how it might feel. Also, when you wait too long, you never know- she may like you but you also may be making HER think you don’t like her, and she may possibly go for another guy because she feels unwanted. Then it’s too late. :/
I read through all these responses yesterday but have forgotten a lot of what everyone’s already covered, so I hope this helps haha. Just a girls view. But I’m also just ONE girl so of course I don’t think like some other girls do.
I jus don knoh how to may dis moah clear Jimmy, I don wanna day you anymoh!
Why so self-centered when they’re about to crash? What did Chad do to deserve such attitude? I think Chad was treated unfairly and number one Suzi has poor communication skills.