mending a broken heart
Hey guys. I feel so lame writing a post like this, but my heart has recently been broken by my first real love. I know my wounds will heal with time, but I’m not exactly too sure how to cope with everything I’m feeling at the moment. None of my friends liked him, so I don’t have anyone to talk to or to give me advice. Just wondering if you guys have any experiences or advice to share.
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What is this fascination with “heartbreak” that our country seems to obsess over? Our are hearts made of glass or something?? This stems from a proverb I’ve come across, but apparently if you ‘train’ your heart to ‘bend’ rather than ‘break’, you’ll live a more peaceful life. It makes more sense than conforming to such societal themes as ‘heartbreak’. Just my two cents.
@optimystic There’s a similar chinese proverb which I think is even better. I don’t remember exactly how it goes but it’s something like “Your heart should be like water, letting anything through without being harmed at all.”
Sorry to hear about your current troubles. I know the feeling, all too well. Last December, I broke up with the love of my life. Our life together was amazing, and every moment felt like it came out of a movie, and had an element of magic that very few relationships have. When she broke up with me, it took me completely by surprise. Probably, I had blinders on, but I was head-over heels in love.
Suffice it to say, I hit rock bottom. Im 28 years old and established as a physician. I became increasingly depressed, not just sad, and had all the clinical symptoms. I quit my job because I wasn’t happy. I tried the talk therapy thing, but didn’t find it to be really helpful. I tried the antidepressants and didn’t find those to be helpful, except for giving me terrible headaches and insomnia. The only mild relief I got was from yoga and meditation, but that was not a sustained relief and I felt my mind doing laps when I wasn’t actively meditating. Eventually, I came to a realization that I was going to be sad. Then I asked myself, “do you want to be sad and lay on your couch and do nothing, or do you want to transmute your sadness into something, anything?”. One day, I literally sat down and wrote a list of things I wanted to do before I died. Things ranged from learning Spanish, to knowing how to dance the worm, to seeing Mt. Everest, to volunteering in a foreign country, having a threesome, quitting alcohol, ridding myself of all excess possessions, etc.
In April, I left. I went to India and ran pro-bono medical camps in the Himalayas for a few weeks, camping for 7 weeks, purifying my own water, and trekking mountain passes to get from village to village. I went to Nepal and visited Everest Base Camp, at 19000 feet. I bought a Triumph Bonneville motorcycle and survived my first motorcycle crash. I then went to Costa Rica for a month, started learning Spanish, and got pretty okay at surfing…. In the process, I wrote some crappy short stories, have a working knowledge of medical spanish, nurtured an interest in photography from my travels, saw the Himalayas, and got into amazing shape.
Bottom line, all that work, and still no major epiphany. I still miss her and think of her, but the sting isn’t as bad now, 8 months out. But I feel like my soul is evolving.
That is my suggestion to you, the pain will be there but try to grow as much as you can. You don’t have to do exotic things, but try to use this experience to evolve into the best version you can be now.
Oh, and my two cents on the sappy love songs, they will make you cry and really won’t help…
Best of luck.
Spend some time with things that you like, those things might include talking with new people while calming down your emotions, not distractions of course, that’s going to prolong the pain. Also you have to realize that you’re not the only one affected by the broken relationship. It takes two. From my experience with relationships (relations with friends too), I realized that to need someone so much is exhausting and puts a burden on them, that’s what kills it. It is critical to find new things to get your inspiration going on, it’s difficult but you can also just imagine how easy people break up and find each other. It’s not a disaster, you’re just human with feelings. Take your time and don’t go to extreme loops of hating him and loving him again, he is also a human being. See how simple it is. Actually it has become so NORMAL for people to share that they’re getting divorced or breaking up that they get lost in that stupid emotional baggage. A tip is to avoid fucking love songs or songs about pain – forever. They suck. They promote pain like it’s something interesting. THE WORLD CONSPIRES YOU TO FEEL BAD! FUCK THE WORLD! Ok, Ok, I’m joking, make yourself laugh. And smile. And just start feeling great for no reason, otherwise you won’t be helping others that are in the same situation. :)
The truth is my first relationships ended pretty bad for me just because of this strong affection or even obsession I had – a fantasy, worshiping someone while they actually are not that great, you were just using each other to feel good AND you failed. Spoil yourself, produce some endorphin, love your family and spend time with them, they’re always there for you even if you’re afraid to share things like this with them. You choose what to share and what not.
Don’t ever make a relationship a top priority in your life. You’re just as alright without positive feedback from just one person. Actually, fuck feedback.
I personally think you need to hear some sappy breakup songs if you need to get out your sadness and cry it all out, but this should be followed by some badass “independent and loving it” songs. My personal favorites-
Crying songs: Relient K “Let it all out”
Fergie “Big girls don’t cry”
Yellowcard “One year 6 months”
Every Avenue “Happy the hard way”
Sum 41 “With Me”
Inspiring and/or angry: Relient K “Which to bury, us or the hatchet?”
Katy Perry’s new song “Part of me”
The Maine “Color” (especially this one)
Go Radio “Thanks for nothing”
That new song by Kelly Clarkson
Gotye “Somebody that I used to know” (kinda in both categories)
Go Radio “Lucky Street”
I can’t tell you how much music has helped me getting through things like this in my life, whether you’re in a sad, angry or hopeful mood I hope some of this helps and don’t forget you will be okay things will get better than you can imagine if you stay positive (at least overall) haha I feel for ya..
I know it can be hard, but that’s only because we tend to magnify things, blow them out of proportion and distort them completely. Your heart is not broken, if your heart was broken you would be dead. Your ego, however, has been bruised. That’s what hurts.
Don’t fight it, just let it be, and let it go. When you fight it, you keep making it real. And the more you fight it the deeper inside you push it. Just let it go, put your attention somewhere else. The only thing keeping the pain there is your own thoughts, and nothing but your own thoughts. You are thinking painful thoughts, they are painful because your body is telling you to stop thinking those thoughts because they’re very harmful to your mind.
It’s not such a big deal, despite how much it can seem so. Everybody has suffered “heartbreak” at least once, if you haven’t experienced it you simply haven’t lived. It’s a part of life, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s easy to make a big deal out of it, and fight it, because that’s what your surroundings have conditioned you to do, but it’s not a good way to deal with the situation AT ALL. Just chill, take a deep breath, and let it go. It might not work at first, but with just a little persistence it’s out of your mind. It doesn’t take any effort at all.
Things are never as dark as they seem. Just let it go, allow yourself to feel good, stop abusing your mind and spirit.
Peace and love //Elion