What are your experiences with narcissists? Myself I’ve been in close relationships with many but I guess that is normal. Especially in a society that is so emotionally suppressed. (I’m not saying I’m even free of any or all traits of what would be constituted one) I think it would be beneficial for anyone to know just a little bit more about identifying traits in ourselves and others that might have emotional ties.
Feel free to share your experiences with narcissism!
Future disclaimer: This thread may die due to being viewed as a negative topic, but let’s turn that frown upside down shall we!
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People always get rightfully fucked when they make assumptions that they understand other people just because they understand themselves.
People are all different, and they are all the same.
You have to respect that not everyone works the same way and you have to deal with different people differently to get the responses you desire.
Narcs arent inherently bad just because they fit under that label. Like a few people have already mentioned there is a thing referred to as a ‘healthy narcissist’ who is not actually an egotistical twat who will make even your Chihuahua cry.
Extreme ‘SCARY NARCS’ arent even all bad. Its one of the things thats actually correlated with super high intelligence. The higher IQ spectrum youre looking at the more frequent people indicating extremely narcissistic tendencies are.
They can be really interesting as long as you let them think theyre winning though. As long as they think theyre winning all can stay good.
If youre talking about the SCARY SIDE of narcissism, then there isnt much point in keeping them around in like 99% of cases. Why keep people around who are super into making you their bitch, and are amazing at it? Really. Thats like dating a Rapist because you dont think theyll rape you. Pretty dull.
If you are cool enough with yourself then you can theoretically just deal with whatever psychological bullshit people throw at you because you dont base your opinion of yourself or your self-worth on other peoples opinions.
If you can ‘handle it’ thats one thing and you can stay away from annoying people who dont serve any purpose to you. BUT if you have a really narcissistic boss, for example, or are in some position where you cant just avoid them, thats a little different. If you are in a position where you have to ‘work it’, or be worked, then the only real way to keep things productive in that situation is to let them think theyre winning.
If someone is just really confidant and happy with themself then this doesnt apply to them. This applies to the SCARY SIDE of narcissism that people tend to think of when they think of narcs. The extremes. The test-qualifiers. The Big Business narcs who probably arent whats ‘best for you’, or even anywhere close to ‘okay’. If someone needs their ego stroking then thats kind of annoying or whatever but its much more annoying having someone decide to destroy you just because you were annoying them and they can.
If you look at the people who end up in relationships with extreme narcissists (there are plenty of studies on this) you will find that there is typically a ‘type’. Unfortunately they get fucked over because they are in denial about the actual nature of the person they are with or were with. They will defend the person because they ‘love’ them or whatever else and its really sad because they are just nice people who did nothing to ‘deserve’ getting screwed over. They are good examples of what not to do because they take a hate it or love it attitude towards the narcissistic person, and choose love it. It is much easier to be able to allow for options like ‘this is a douche bag who did something kind of nice to manipulate me with later’. There are nice aspects and not-so-nice aspects, but in the end you need to be able to take it as it is so that you dont end up feeling bad or doing things you dont want to do because of how you feel.
I said the only real way to deal with it is letting them think theyre winning because if youre easy youre no longer of interest really. Theres no point in being Batman if you have no joker. In the same way, if someone wants to make themself feel better by ‘winning’, and they think they’ve ‘won’ or that theyre being successful, then things are going swell in their opinion. They need someone else to give them purpose and feed their egotistical ways, just like Batman needs bad guys to give him a reason to be Batman.
How someone would go about that though is pretty much like S&M actually. If youre in a situation, like with a co-worker or a boss, where you need to have a productive interaction, then you need them to be ‘winning’. The cool thing about narcs is that they tend to be pretty awesome at some things and that means they have the potential to be really useful if you can find a way to make sure its in a constructive way not a destructive one. If you have a goal, the best way to get it done is to convince other people that THEY are personally really passionate about making it happen. -That way they are working to fufil their own needs and desires. With narcs its really the same deal. They probably dont give a fuck about what you want them to do, and theres a better chance of them purposfully fucking up your plan just to spite you for asking than actually being of any use. So how youve got to go about it is pitching it in a way that appeals to their own interests instead of trying to appeal to the ‘charitable nature’ they dont have so much of or any other assumed human attribute like compassion. People tend to like to think other people are a lot like they are, but for a non-narc dealing with a narc the best way to keep yourself from getting fucked is to cut that out and come to terms with the fact that they actually arent just like you.
Like I said at the beginning: People are all different, and they are all the same. You have to understand when theyre different, and respect that they really are.
@cognizantelephant, In my experience, a narcissist will test your ability to swallow your pride. There is no point in arguing with a narcissist, as it won’t matter if you are in the right, you will not win the situation. You must simply suffer their conceit and take the high road.
“There is pathological narcissism, and then there’s good ol extreme self love. ”
Pray tell, what’s the difference?
I find narcissism hypnotic. I recently spent several hours in hospital with someone who was so abusive and “toxic” to everyone that the staff refused to go near him. Watching him rationalize his shortcomings and insecurities off on other people was like watching a car crash on replay, over and over again, where the driver was always blissfully unaware of what was happening until the climax. Yet the nurses etc reacted as if he’d come in with a chainsaw and let loose on their patients.
I didn’t notice any difference between this man and the 15 year old clichéd super bitch besides the fact that he was crippled, burnt and bleeding too much to cover up his more…abrasive characteristics.
Emotionally stunted, perhaps. Narcissists are just balloons of hot air waiting for one little prick to ruin their day.
@donjaime23, That’s exactly what I wasn’t able to really articulate. I understand that healthy narcissism is essentially confidence in oneself where you normally, notice I don’t say negatively as the neutral path is inferred in the definition of healthy narcissism, observe yourself in order to make improvements, notice flaws, etc. But I feel that true narcissism comes from a darker, and deeper place. Freud wrote of a patient wasn’t able to communicate his direct opinion of the ego – as if the patient had no idea of what is the ego, and was composed of entirely his self. What we’d call here ‘a non conscious person’. I meet people like this and it’s sad to see that they live with those regards of life, like they have something covering their faces.
@cognizantelephant, Hmm.. I think any type of self love is narcissism. I don’t understand self love at all really. It’s dualistic, fake self esteem based on a mental image you have of yourself. I think all narcissism does is limit who you are with superficial lies you tell yourself so you can feel good about yourself (like you, I’m not immune to this, but I’ve made leaps in the right direction). Doesn’t mean you can’t feel love and express it though. But loving yourself is insane when it comes down to it. It implies that there are two of you. You, and then the self that you love or have any opinion about whatsoever. Self loathing is no worse than self love or narcissism in my opinion. just the other side of the coin. We’re all just a little bit insane.. Just a milder form of schizophrenia
For some reason I’ve always attracted narcissists in my life, because they were giving a fuck too much. Still better than self-hate. But believing that someone is only a narcissist without having any other traits seems as ignorant as saying that someone is closed-minded.
@beyond, I wonder if that’s just the general population or our swift chance of luck. Anywho, I will assure you that there are individuals who are devoid of traits deemed normal. These individuals can feel those emotions, but somewhere along their emotional development they were taught not to see inside of themselves or even acknowledge them directly, and then resort in a repressed personality. As that shit is all very dark and scary, it is on the extreme side of the spectrum.
I’m sure that everyone has been stressed out to the point where they didn’t listen to others. And with that experience they can relate
Narcissism, along with many other ‘disorders’, is being considered by the DSM in it’s new revision to lie on a continuum of sorts in all people. As in we all hold some amount of narcissism in us, but at some point we must draw the line between ‘normal’ self-love and obstructive self-obsession.
I’ve had problems in the past of trying to apply the idea of ‘unconditional self-love’ in my life, which is widely considered to be an excellent mindset to have for personal growth and optimal living. I’ve found it difficult to create an inner environment of unconditional love without venturing into narcissistic territory, where you’re deluding yourself into a false reality.
Anyone else encountered similar issues?
I consider myself to be a Narcissist, I have the hugest ego ever and an extreme sense self-confidence and pride. But I don’t let it get between me and people, like I’m pretty much a nice person and I keep it to myself. Like it’s healthy narcissism But I think that it was a result of a traumatic experience I had in my life, I had to be like that to maintain myself.
@eyesopen, yes. in the past i have been a not so wonderful person. upon reflection and seeing how my actions effect others and myself i decided i didnt like that path and wanted to change..and in a way to try to compensate for those transgressions i tried to forgive myself, seeing how holding onto it all and loathing myself didnt help…it became a lil pitty party in my head just for me and it was sickening. so i realized i had to let some shit go. i needed to forgive myself in order to allow myself another chance at not being a piece of shit. so time passes and i start on this path of self realization that somehow gets flipped into a path of self obsession…i pat myself on the back for being better than i was and then i start to judge others who are behaving selfishly it became an addiction ..i guess it still is.its hard to find that balance. too much self awareness coming back around to fuel egotistical tendancies. we are weird creatures…