Need help: cheating and trust
My girlfriend, 20, and I, 23, had a confessional day yesterday because there were things that we needed to know about each other that we didn’t make known earlier. I confessed to her that I’d looked at porn and continue to struggle with it. I know it’s wrong and I know the kinds of things it does to people and relationships, but, after a time, I became desensitized to the guilt that I experienced and never thought that I would see, firsthand, what it does to a significant other and how much it affects them. When I told her, I knew something was nagging her about it, and I tried to talk that out. I got a message late last night about how much she’d been struggling with this new knowledge and how hurt she was by it. She feels like I’ve been cheating on her (I understand that. I never have in real life, nor would I), that she cannot compare to these girls (I’m not asking her to because I legitimately love her exactly the way she is), that I may be disappointed by her (Never). We talked for 2 hours and I said everything I could to reassure her of how much she means to me, how much I care for her, and how much I love her just the way she is. She cried the entire time we spoke and I felt/feel like a douchebag.
We’re not sexually active (we’re both waiting for marriage) and we don’t push lines. The images I looked up (not trying to make an excuse, just to be clear) are not of women in sexual situations, but celebrities in their underwear, maybe a nipple showing.
I told her that I’d stop and I made moves yesterday to remove temptation from magazines that I enjoy (Muscle & Fitness, Runner’s World, etc.). I know that nothing I say will, immediately, make things better, but I want to do all that I can to make it up to her. So, what I’m looking for are suggestions on how to make it up. Maybe someone’s survived a similar circumstance or been on the receiving end of it and can offer insight. Anything will help. I realize that this trust may never be fully re-established, but I want to try. Please
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This could go one of two ways.
If you specifically agreed to save yourself for marriage and you masturbate, then you have made a mistake in my opinion. You agreed that you would save sex for marriage, and while masturbating is not sex, it is a sexual act.
If you just look and fantasize, that’s your body’s natural hormones and it’s your girlfriend’s problem in my opinion. You are basically programmed to be attracted to women, the mere fact that you can ignore these urges to cheat on your girl friend and indeed keep to your “no sex” agreement should be enough for her.
@hmortimer, “I know it’s wrong and I know the kinds of things it does to people and relationships”
Nah, dude. If you like porn it’s not a big deal. My thought it was something I needed to keep secret too by my ex was actually down to watch it with me to get us both really in the mood. Don’t give yourself grief over something as simple as porn.
Masturbation while waiting for marriage is going to manifest itself poorly in your life as you try to make it to marriage. I won’t go into just how much I disagree with the concept with you, because you didn’t ask, but if you really are forcing this to wait until then, you need to at least step up your sexual experiences with your gf. If you two play with one another at some point, watching porn together as I described would be a really simple way of evening the playing field.
Also, I think you really do need to find someone that doesn’t have a penis to explain just how NOT big of a deal porn is to guys. You saying “porn doesn’t matter, I swear” is going to be enough for her because she hears it from the “guilty” party. Try to find a female that can elaborate on how guys just use it as a tool to get from sexually frustrated to sexually satisfied.
Best of luck, friend. I hope that your relationship works out but I don’t think in the least that the act of watching porn is all that abominable.
That’s not cheating. That’s stupidity. I never “survived” such an experience because, well, if someone is fucking jealous of porn, then what the fuck is wrong with them? You know, being completely true with yourself doesn’t involve actually changing completely to satisfy everyone’s needs. I wanted to sound really friendly and helpful, but I couldn’t resist. Now, if you start to feel foreign to each other, that’s not because of porn, is it? You can’t fucking stop being human. What you can do is probably concentrate on more important things in your life. Just saying! I’m also judgmental. And don’t tell me she doesn’t have fantasies about men who are celebrities, or men at all, because she kinda developed that fantasy for you, didn’t she? I’m saying all this stuff, because I couldn’t handle a relationship where there isn’t freedom of fucking thought.
I know too well what it’s like to be cheated on, and it’s nothing like finding out your partner looks at porn. I’m struggling not to be insensitive here, but it’s difficult. If your relationship is this traumatized by something like this, I can’t imagine how it could survive the real serious stuff that life will throw at a couple.
Saving sex for marriage is a commitment that shows you take your relationship seriously and that you place such a high value on the sanctity of marriage. This commitment, in my opinion, means that no obstacle should ever be enough to terminate your commitment, that divorce is never an option. This is a difficult path but a noble one, yet I agree with @icymore, this is a minor issue that if you cannot survive then you really have no hope and your marriage will be a miserable one.
This is an opportunity to get to know each other, that you need to understand each others needs and be willing to compromise to provide each other with that. As you need to work on her security needs, she must reciprocate by understanding and making concessions for your needs also. It is a two way street and her needs are by no means morally superior to yours, insecurity is as much a relationship destroyer as sexual promiscuity.
I personally would not opt for sexual abstainance before matrimony because I see it as a healthy factor in a relationship that gives you an insight through intimacy that no ammount of talking can provide. We are all human and deny it if you must but humans are biologically programmed for sex and you would not deny something as vital as the emotional connection a couple need for a successful relationship and sex is no more inferior or less relevant to the need of any human.
I do not intend to talk you into sex, don’t get me wrong, that is my view and works for me, which does not mean it is right for everyone or that it is true, superior or absolute. I am just saying I respect nature and sex is something I embrace and I am not ashamed of, if it is your nature not to, I respect that also.
I have never cheated on a woman, nor would I want to because I have what I need sexually, but sexual desire has nothing to do with emotion, I believe my woman can have sex with anyone she wants, it has nothing to do with my physical inadequacies which I am not insecure about, it is if she falls in love with someone else that bothers me, because that compromises our relationship.