Need help: cheating and trust

2 years, 10 months ago

My girlfriend, 20, and I, 23, had a confessional day yesterday because there were things that we needed to know about each other that we didn’t make known earlier. I confessed to her that I’d looked at porn and continue to struggle with it. I know it’s wrong and I know the kinds of things it does to people and relationships, but, after a time, I became desensitized to the guilt that I experienced and never thought that I would see, firsthand, what it does to a significant other and how much it affects them. When I told her, I knew something was nagging her about it, and I tried to talk that out. I got a message late last night about how much she’d been struggling with this new knowledge and how hurt she was by it. She feels like I’ve been cheating on her (I understand that. I never have in real life, nor would I), that she cannot compare to these girls (I’m not asking her to because I legitimately love her exactly the way she is), that I may be disappointed by her (Never). We talked for 2 hours and I said everything I could to reassure her of how much she means to me, how much I care for her, and how much I love her just the way she is. She cried the entire time we spoke and I felt/feel like a douchebag.
We’re not sexually active (we’re both waiting for marriage) and we don’t push lines. The images I looked up (not trying to make an excuse, just to be clear) are not of women in sexual situations, but celebrities in their underwear, maybe a nipple showing.
I told her that I’d stop and I made moves yesterday to remove temptation from magazines that I enjoy (Muscle & Fitness, Runner’s World, etc.). I know that nothing I say will, immediately, make things better, but I want to do all that I can to make it up to her. So, what I’m looking for are suggestions on how to make it up. Maybe someone’s survived a similar circumstance or been on the receiving end of it and can offer insight. Anything will help. I realize that this trust may never be fully re-established, but I want to try. Please

July 3, 2012 at 5:54 am

You must sign in or join to reply!

2
Profile photo of Jake Jake (@jesus) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

This could go one of two ways.

If you specifically agreed to save yourself for marriage and you masturbate, then you have made a mistake in my opinion. You agreed that you would save sex for marriage, and while masturbating is not sex, it is a sexual act.

If you just look and fantasize, that’s your body’s natural hormones and it’s your girlfriend’s problem in my opinion. You are basically programmed to be attracted to women, the mere fact that you can ignore these urges to cheat on your girl friend and indeed keep to your “no sex” agreement should be enough for her.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of DaJetPlane DaJetPlane M (@lytning91) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

@hmortimer, “I know it’s wrong and I know the kinds of things it does to people and relationships”

Nah, dude. If you like porn it’s not a big deal. My thought it was something I needed to keep secret too by my ex was actually down to watch it with me to get us both really in the mood. Don’t give yourself grief over something as simple as porn.

Masturbation while waiting for marriage is going to manifest itself poorly in your life as you try to make it to marriage. I won’t go into just how much I disagree with the concept with you, because you didn’t ask, but if you really are forcing this to wait until then, you need to at least step up your sexual experiences with your gf. If you two play with one another at some point, watching porn together as I described would be a really simple way of evening the playing field.

Also, I think you really do need to find someone that doesn’t have a penis to explain just how NOT big of a deal porn is to guys. You saying “porn doesn’t matter, I swear” is going to be enough for her because she hears it from the “guilty” party. Try to find a female that can elaborate on how guys just use it as a tool to get from sexually frustrated to sexually satisfied.

Best of luck, friend. I hope that your relationship works out but I don’t think in the least that the act of watching porn is all that abominable.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of anniec anniec (@anniec) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

No offence , but Is this post for real? If it is, I am lost for words.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of Sasho Stoyanov Anonymous (@) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

That’s not cheating. That’s stupidity. I never “survived” such an experience because, well, if someone is fucking jealous of porn, then what the fuck is wrong with them? You know, being completely true with yourself doesn’t involve actually changing completely to satisfy everyone’s needs. I wanted to sound really friendly and helpful, but I couldn’t resist. Now, if you start to feel foreign to each other, that’s not because of porn, is it? You can’t fucking stop being human. What you can do is probably concentrate on more important things in your life. Just saying! I’m also judgmental. And don’t tell me she doesn’t have fantasies about men who are celebrities, or men at all, because she kinda developed that fantasy for you, didn’t she? I’m saying all this stuff, because I couldn’t handle a relationship where there isn’t freedom of fucking thought.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

What annie said.

If you feel guilty about watching porn;
1. Stop it
or
2. Realize its not a huge deal.

If your girlfriend actually feels like you’re cheating on her for watching porn;
1. Stop it
2. Question the logic in her head.
3. I’m questioning your choice in women.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of icymore icymore (@icymore) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

I know too well what it’s like to be cheated on, and it’s nothing like finding out your partner looks at porn. I’m struggling not to be insensitive here, but it’s difficult. If your relationship is this traumatized by something like this, I can’t imagine how it could survive the real serious stuff that life will throw at a couple.

[Hidden]
1
Profile photo of Ray Butler Ray Butler M (@trek79) 2 years, 8 months ago ago

Saving sex for marriage is a commitment that shows you take your relationship seriously and that you place such a high value on the sanctity of marriage. This commitment, in my opinion, means that no obstacle should ever be enough to terminate your commitment, that divorce is never an option. This is a difficult path but a noble one, yet I agree with @icymore, this is a minor issue that if you cannot survive then you really have no hope and your marriage will be a miserable one.
This is an opportunity to get to know each other, that you need to understand each others needs and be willing to compromise to provide each other with that. As you need to work on her security needs, she must reciprocate by understanding and making concessions for your needs also. It is a two way street and her needs are by no means morally superior to yours, insecurity is as much a relationship destroyer as sexual promiscuity.
I personally would not opt for sexual abstainance before matrimony because I see it as a healthy factor in a relationship that gives you an insight through intimacy that no ammount of talking can provide. We are all human and deny it if you must but humans are biologically programmed for sex and you would not deny something as vital as the emotional connection a couple need for a successful relationship and sex is no more inferior or less relevant to the need of any human.
I do not intend to talk you into sex, don’t get me wrong, that is my view and works for me, which does not mean it is right for everyone or that it is true, superior or absolute. I am just saying I respect nature and sex is something I embrace and I am not ashamed of, if it is your nature not to, I respect that also.
I have never cheated on a woman, nor would I want to because I have what I need sexually, but sexual desire has nothing to do with emotion, I believe my woman can have sex with anyone she wants, it has nothing to do with my physical inadequacies which I am not insecure about, it is if she falls in love with someone else that bothers me, because that compromises our relationship.

[Hidden]
Reply to this topic
What can you accomplish in 30 days? Join our site-wide challenge. Challenge Yourself

More Posts Like This

2

Profile photo of Kyle van der Walt May sobriety challenge

Hello fellow HEthens! I have been using a few state altering drugs this year. To list a them: Alcohol, coffee, sugar, nicotine, ecstasy, poppers and LSD. I haven’t been over doing any of them in particular but I...

0
11

Profile photo of Jon Brooks Are we one single organism?

I was reading some interesting topics one of these days when i came by this idea: that we are one single element wich is constantly renewing and under constant mutation, So terms as life and death are merely contexts,...

9
2

Profile photo of barefootphilosophy Ethics of intoxication

I’m doing an essay for my ethics class in which I have to write my personal overview of ethics, including my own “Summum bonum” (or greatest good). The only aspect of my personal life which I lack...

1
5

Profile photo of Kyle van der Walt The ignorance of the human race

I have been thinking so much tonight and I am so so so angry because everyone is the exact same and they are all mindless clones concerned with sports fashion gossip etc. All the topics that they have...

5
1

Profile photo of MistaPoppy Why you people are so dumb

Wow You People are dumb This started as a haiku, but now is going to be something else. So fuck you and bite the time, Writing like your in high school is a crime.

0
1

Profile photo of Jim Is it possible to learn to play instrument on your own ?

I always wanted to know how to play guitar or piano,… do you think it is possible to learn on your own ? with help of tutorials or books ? and if so, would you recommend please ? Thank you in advance.

41
1

Profile photo of InTheBalance Awakening Is NOW

<b style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;”>We All have awaken. We are awake right now, don’t You feel it? Regardless of if Your soul is at a level to...

0
1

Profile photo of InTheBalance We Have Awoken!

<div style=”color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 23px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26,...

0
1

Profile photo of anjelica Bad relationships

    If the person your with is hitting you, cheating on you, putting you down all the time, or using you, your in a bad relationship and you need to GET OUT! If you love them and you think they can right...

2
7

Profile photo of anjelica Weight of Boredom

I get bored. – Deftones. You know what the most fascinating aspect, the most intriguing trait in which I continually to to understand and adopt? It’s motivation, or inspiration. It’s that feeling when...

5
4

Profile photo of Daniel Barenboim What is the "ego"?

So, I have been wondering. I have read many discussions and posts “how to defeat your ego” “my ego is holding me back” “my ego is fighting against me” and so on and so on. Basically,...

10
1

Profile photo of teaflower What would you do if you were in my situation?

<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;”>I’m a 16 year old male. And I have a bit of a problem. I have a female best friend the same age as me. I consider...

1
1

Profile photo of LifeInMyOpinionLIMO May I Have Your Attention Please?!

May I have your attention please?! Martial law is real,  govern yourselves accordingly. Protect yourselves, protect your families, protect your communities. Love yourselves and love those around you. Stand as one....

2
2

Profile photo of ibrahim2712 Has anyone ever taken DMT?

Has anyone ever taken or drank DMT (ayahuasca tea)? Was the experience profound? I’m very interested in it. 

0
1

Profile photo of Viner Cent The Global Inquisition

We are in the beginning stages of a global inquisition.  Nazi Germany, The Spanish Inquisition, Pol Pot’s dictatorship, on a global scale… I don’t think it necessarily has to turn out that way… for...

6