No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover
I’m reading it now and it’s fascinating. I’m not as much of a nice guy as some of the examples but I definitely try to please people, try to do the right thing and often feel resentful about it all.
‘Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the “Nice Guy Syndrome” trying too hard to please others while neglecting one’s own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. ‘
I think a lot of guys on here can relate and are the new age sensitive type. For me when I try to do everything right and be nice to people I simply don’t feel like a man, there’s no driving life force behind me and I want to change that. I think when we try to do things right and always adopt proper values on things we’re really just trying to avoid conflict but it sucks the personal power right out of you, men have evolved to be running around the plains hunting and fucking why the hell am I trying to please people for and be nice? I should be the only person I’m working to please. Now don’t take this to the extreme and say that this is why nations are impoverished and all that bull shit because it’s not like that at all, it’s simply putting yourself first so that you can then become whole and give to others when you want to instead of thinking you ‘have to.’
Has anyone else read this book? Or can relate? I’d like to hear about how to reclaim my manhood and personal power. We’re men lets be men.
If you disagree and just want to rant I don’t care and won’t respond.
@oldschool, I’m going to be honest, i’m not a nice guy. Atleast not in the sense that you speak of. Part of my job entails ‘customer service’. Alot of these guys sit there and smile and try to be as happy as goddamn possible. And frankly, i don’t give a shit. Don’t get me wrong, i do my job very well, but i’m not going to smile in your face if you come up with an attitude. I don’t try to avoid personal conflict. If it does arise I deal with it appropriately. I’ve been in this line of work for 4 years now, and I started out getting yelled at by supervisers who would pussy foot around with our customers trying to be people pleasers. Eventually a persona was built up for me as a no bullshit kind of guy. I had other supervisors recommend me for higher positions and described me as “The most confident person they have.” People are going to treat you how you act. You can be the nice guy and get walked all over. Or you can reek of confidence and become a go to individual.
@oldschool, There is no pleasing people, been there, done that. Just be yourself. People that give you shit, just give them shit right back, people that are nice, be nice to them in return. Now at your job I don’t think it’d be wise to be as blunt but you get the idea. Yes?
You can be kind without being a pushover. My male friends (and the guy I like) are people I respect. Assholes are not pleasant people to be around, and neither are wisps of air who fume over the fact that they’re “several vertebrae short of a backbone.”
@oldschool, Ever watch the movie Office Space? Anyways, dalniente is absolutely right though, you can be kind without being a pushover. I feel like without some kind of good example for you to observe this conversation will keep going into circles though…
@oldschool, Yes! This book opened my eyes to the ways I was acting in my past and why I was so unhappy.
I’d say yes to things I really didn’t want to do because I didn’t want people to not like me.
Hah, funny right?
The kicker: saying No to things you don’t actually want to do demonstrate your values. When you start speaking your mind and disagreeing when you actually disagree (respectfully, of course) people start to respect you. When you are a ‘Nice Guy’, people don’t take you seriously..hence the unattractiveness to females.
It’s more important to be a Good Guy, someone who:
1. Wants to do things for the greater good of humanity
2. Genuinely cares about helping people without expecting anything in return
3. Trusts his value in the world
4. Speaks his mind
Assholes suck, and that’s why at first I didn’t want to speak my mind. I didn’t want to make it known that my opinion was better than anyone else’s.
It took me a while to figure that out, and it doesn’t make you an asshole if you speak your mind for the greater good.
I literally just wrote up an article on this (shameless plug) at http://www.innergladiator.com/nice-guys/ , but this is one of the most important topics that EVERY man needs to internalize: Nice guys are not actually nice.
Great book, and if you’re a guy who grew up without a solid father/male mentor figure please do yourself a favor and read this book.
This…. THIS… This book is awesome! No, seriously, I read this book some time ago – when I was having a bad time of my life, because I wasn’t happy about myself AT ALL – and this book “saved” me, or at least it helped me change for the better.
I could – and sometimes I still can – relate to the NGS because when I was reading the book, it was like he was describing my personality when he described Nice Guys!
I resented a lot of people because of the expectations I had after I helped somebody and they didn’t “return the favor”. This book was part of the help I needed to direct myself towards a path that I liked better – HE was part of it, too. I’ve always wanted to change but I just needed the “hints” on how to begin.
Another thing I’ve learned from this homepage is that it’s wise to have no expectations of getting something in return from your actions, because this can and will leave you bitter and resentful when they aren’t returned.
Again, if anyone thinks that this NGS sounds like them, read this book and if you really mean it, it can help you change for the better.
@aquapietasflamma, completely agree with you idea! and I follow it! if you treat me with respect and kindness I will do the same thing back. If you come onto me as a selfish whiny person I will not give you any respect because it is not my business to please you. Only you can choose if your life is good. Don’t go expecting people to take care of you 24/7.
@oldschool, Could you explain what you mean about being “nice?” Because it seems to me that yes some people are too nice, but this can also be manipulative. They are so, so nice in order to make themselves irreplaceable. But it seems to me that maybe you’re confusing nice with being a pushover. There is nothing wrong with being a decent person with good values. Only you can decide what those are; they are your values, and you will have to live with them to be a principled person.