Me and my partner have recently decided we are going to have an open relationship. We are very happy with each other and have complete confidence in our relationship but want to explore a different type of relationship.
We have had other partners with us in the bedroom and it has been a lot of fun, this seems to be the next step.
We are smart about it and have some ground rules in place and are planning on being very open with one another about how we feel and what we do.
Wondering what everyone’s thoughts are on this type of relationship – have you had one? are you in one? has it been good/ bad for your relationship.
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@lesterdeguzman, I can see where you’re coming from. Though the only thing I’d say to it is that love is love. Some people have their own ways of loving and carrying themselves. It should never be considered “wrong” if it’s what they want. :)
Who knows what love would be today if those who decided to love the way they wanted weren’t so violently oppressed. In the past there was a lot of ‘conform or die’ type situations. People of the past were forced to live their lives a certain way. Who is to say what’s “natural?” :3 just my two cents
@ellesoul, I’m not really sure if you know what ignorant means. Rejecting something that you know nothing about is ignorant. Judging is mean.
This is a forum for expanding horizons and trying new things. There are lots of places where you can discuss traditional beliefs and call everyone else names. Try church or facebook.
@kindra2, you make a really good point there thank you for your input.
I am not saying that open relationships are better for everyone because monogamous relationships never work but for myself personally I think open will be better. Like you said it is about what a couple believe is right for them.
Wow a lot more negative reactions than I thought but that’s ok. There are not a lot of rules really it’s more the be open and honest to your partner and the person you are sleeping with so everyone is aware of what the situation is and no sleeping with each others friends.
It is not the case where one of us wants this more than the other – it is something both of us have discussed for over a year and are very excited about.
To the people who suggest we break up because we are just friends who want to have sex – this is not something you can make a call on as you are not in my relationship – we are very much in love and have an amazing relationship – sex doesn’t always mean love – it can mean fun.
I don’t understand how the rules came about in society that says ‘once you take a partner it is wrong to look at someone else or want to experience sexual gratification with anyone else but the person you have attached yourself to’. To me this doesn’t really feel natural.
If he falls in love with someone else or if I do for that matter than it happens – we have both spoken about what this means to us and it is not about forming relationships with others it is about having fun and not denying each other freedom – I don’t understand how that is selfish?
@deepak87, This is all very intriguing indeed, though you can be free within a relationship too, you just have to realize that control, exclusivity and power is actually an understanding, being there for someone despite them, knowing that they would be there too, faithfulness, trust, dedicating all your time when they need you and always coming back to you because they know what it is to have someone that close. The more “Freedom” you get, the less time you’ll have for everyone, while being in a normal relationship – you’ll have the time to benefit from having a friend too. How would you get close to more than just one person if you don’t have time for everyone? It seems like monogamy isn’t for everyone because it’s too difficult for them and it is rather obvious that people choose the easy ways of handling relationships. People who still believe in it and those people know what it is to build a strong connection, that would apply to your interests and is shared, which is not only sex-related and for having fun. Let’s be real, some people have more needs than they have time and they just like to be spoiled. There’s no need for a new open-minded system built on people’s endless excuses.
I feel like my point was overlooked. What would either of you do if you @lozzjd, @emily, if you were in a relationship and your partner got pregnant with another partner, or you got pregnant with another partner. It seems like the complications would be immense unless of course you got an abortion. Which may or may not be your choice.
@jblisstaz, Setting rules? Relationships already have rules-> don’t fuck someone else.
If one of you is emotionally attached to the partner with the rules of a traditional relationship, then one of you will get hurt. If you don’t give a shit and realize everyone is allowed to sleep with anyone they want, it’s fine.
I personally think anyone can fuck anyone they want. One may want to commit, but if the partner has sex with someone else, who cares? no need to be a cry baby
@bobbylloydxd, i know about open relationships, i’ve had many friends who’ve been in them. so you know nothing about my life and experiences, and you just judged me…i won’t call you ignorant for that though. i’m simply stating my opinion. @emily since bobby doesn’t like the word ignorant, i won’t say that it is.
the reason i believe it’s selfish is simply because you’re fulfilling some sexual need you have, even though your partner may agree, you’re in a relationship… yeah you’re partner has freedoms, but why would you tell someone “sleep with who you want, but come home to me, make sure i know about it, i want to meet the person, i want to like them too..” to me it just seems like open relationships are about feeding YOUR needs, and still trying to keep the other person with you. isn’t that kind of selfish?
I’m not sure if I could do the whole open relationship thing, just thinking about a dude getting intimate with my girl would kinda trip me up but that could be because of what I am conditioned to believe. I haven’t tried it and haven’t really heard of to many people trying it but like everyone else says good luck and let us know how it goes. On the flip side would you sleep with someone who was in a open relationship? I don’t think I would have a problem with that just wouldn’t want to be in one.
Ok so I thought I would give a bit of an update although it is a little earlier than I was planning to.
Things are going really well. We haven’t done a lot separately yet but what has happened so far has been fine :) both of us are still very happy in our relationship and are still very much in love.
So far there has not really been any issues with Jealousy as we are both being very honest with each other and as long as it stays that way I don’t see any issues arising any time soon.
I’ll get back to you all about it again in a few months time :)
I have been in an open relationship and personally believe that they do not work very well. Once you start setting rules to a relationship, one party starts to deny their true feelings and emotions to abide by these rules. I don’t know your relationship so I can’t speak on your behalf, but in my experience, open relationships usually begin “mutual” and end with one party feeling really hurt. I feel that in open relationships, one person is not 100% committed and has doubts but isn’t ready to pull the trigger and break up with the other, and the other person agrees because they don’t want to lose what they have left.
All i have to say is be careful and communicate.
What sort of ground rules have you put in place?
@bobbylloydxd, well we both use protection and are very careful so I think there is little to no chance that that would happen – as I mentioned before the people that we sleep with are to know exactly what the situation is so they should be using contraception too and be well aware that sleeping with us does not mean we are in a relationship with them.
IF it were to happen which I highly doubt it will then we will deal with it however we can but the main point here is the WE – we choose each other as partners and we will work through anything together.
Talking about children, it’s better for a child to grow up with 1 parent in a loving environment, or with 2 parents who are fine with each other having different partners and having separate lives where they both don’t care (so the environment is not hostile)…. rather than the child growing up with two unhappily married couple who fight all the time and the dad spends his time watching porn and the mom is looking for someone else to fuck but she will feel guilty because of a bullshittery concept called ‘marriage’ or ‘monogamy’ or whatever.
@bobbylloydxd, ps..i love this website, because i can display my opinion and have a friendly argument without being bashed and told to go somewhere else. i wasn’t calling the person ignorant. all i was saying is the thought of an open relationship is. once again..just my opinion.
@antoker, “just thinking about a dude getting intimate with my girl would kinda trip me up but that could be because of what I am conditioned to believe” –thank you for saying that. The issue here within this entire discussion isn’t a matter of it being right or wrong, it’s all a matter of opinion (personal/subjective morals), which I think totally stems from what people have been conditioned to think. Had the majority of people been raised & conditioned in a polyamorous environment, the concept of monogamy would seem silly to them.
@bobbylloydxd, I’m not like most people… truthfully, if someone I was in love with, got someone else pregnant, this wouldn’t bother me. Not even getting onto the topic of abortion, but say the child was born… If I loved someone, I would absolutely also love their child. Of course the dynamics in these types of situations would be unique to the particular situation & people involved. Just because a child isn’t mine, doesn’t mean they’re “tainted” or are a “symbol of something awful.” As a single mom of an 11-year-old, I can tell you it can be exhausting raising a child on your own….the more people in a child’s life that love and care for them, the better.
My sister started dating her boyfriend right around the same time he knocked someone else up. They’re now living happily, taking care of his 1-year-old daughter together when it is his turn to have her. It’s completely possible to live outside of the normal family structure. I’m not saying it’s any better or worse…but the possiblity of having children in polyamorous relationships is as real as it would be in a monogamous relationship.
@ellesoul, in any relationship, monogamous or with multiple partners, you’re always looking to fulfull YOUR needs. Always. If your needs aren’t met, then there’s no point. If the other person isn’t okay with it, and you’re lying to them, that would be selfish. But loving someone, and wanting them to be happy, no matter what that entails, I think is extremely unselfish.
“sleep with who you want, but come home to me, make sure i know about it, i want to meet the person, i want to like them too..” < ----I wouldn't tell someone this. The dynamics of an open relationship are whatever the people that are involved decide for them to be.
@kidvisions, check out the article…people don’t always get hurt. People can be extremely happy that way.
@lozzjd – Hello LJ. This is my first HighExistence post. It is great to hear that things are working out so well with you and your partners after a month :)
I am a male, and have been in a polyamorous relationship for 9 months now. It is the best thing ever and I wouldn’t change it for the world – but not for the reasons most people would think!
I came into this style of relationship spontaneously and with little consideration. It just sort of appeared out of nowhere and, suddenly, we were open. I am glad everything came together in a smooth flow, because this approach has become foundational in my approach towards poly relationships — Go with the Flow. It is the only way.
I am glad I can post on this site in particular, because many people don’t understand what I am about to say. The best part about polyamory is that it is a constant exercise in mindfulness and non-attachment.
Don’t mind when jealousy appears. And definitely do not deny it when it does. Jealousy will NEVER go away – it is an innate and primal brainstem instinct we cannot control. As conscious individuals, what we can do is learn to accept jealousy in the same way that we learn to accept any other emotion by acknowledging its transient nature and knowing that whatever it is we may be feeling, our inner core remains unchanged. Jealousy happens. These days, I actually look forward to the feeling of jealousy because it gives me great insight as to where my fears and insecurities are. Jealousy (like all “negative” emotions) allows us to discover where blockages lay, and thus what we need to work on as we progress in our spiritual journeys.
So, being successfully poly forces us to constantly examine ourselves, acknowledging that emotions happen but being OK with that, and growing from it. If there is CONSTANT and RELIABLE communication between everyone as to how they are feeling (yes, even the icky feelings) then we learn to TRUST our partners deeply. In my relationship, we give each other notice before any sexual acts with a new partner – this communication must be consistent or the trust fails. *It is SO important to honour your partner(s) with by continually respecting whatever ground rules you have laid out together.*
The feeling resulting from having such a solid foundation of trust in your partner that you are OK giving them free reign in the world is completely unparalleled, and is something monogamous partners will never experience.
The Buddhists often speak about “non-attachment”. There is absolutely nothing permanent in our lives. The only everlasting thing is the divine presence within and around all of us. Thus is it unwise to attach ourselves to anything (as in “my car”, “my money” and even “my girlfriend”) as these attachments can only result in suffering once time erases it all. The paradox is that by learning non-attachment we actually begin to Love everything more intensely. For example, by allow myself to accept the fact that one or both of my partners may very well find someone else and leave tomorrow, I can embrace the pure magic of every moment – what a miracle it is that we are together on this planet at this very moment! Pure love and light can enter the relationship without being dulled by expectations and egoic attachments.
…In theory, this works well. In actuality, I am not enlightened, and so my mind cannot remain in a state of no expectation constantly. Thus I do find myself becoming more attached to my girls, and the thought of being torn apart can hurt. HOWEVER, it is still so, so, so, so very useful to practice mindfulness/awareness of transience/non-attachment constantly. Even a few seconds per week of pure, Present Love with your partner, unburdened from expectation, is enough to remind you why you are poly.
Wow, that was a big ramble. To summarize, I would say: Jealousy is normal. Communicate when you are feeling jealous. Actually, communicate constantly. Do not let anything bottle up, ever, or you’ll get destroyed by how fast emotions can spiral out of control in poly relationships. Go with the flow! Poly is all about embracing change and letting life do what it will. Don’t even resist non-polygamy if it happens to come along. Just embrace, embrace, embrace, and keep growing. Communicate.
You will find by living the poly lifestyle that you will mature and grow faster than others because the love and value of the core relationship(s) will push you to open the mind beyond societal barriers and into a more holistic and spiritual approach to love.
Oh god, I have more to say. Consider this a P.S.
Love is Infinite — and anyone every telling you that you can’t love more than one person has their head up their ass. The only barricade to our potential to love is (a) the capacity of our soul to channel divine energy (hint: we can take a lot, just ask Krishna) and (b) whether there are the right humans in our physical environment that we can connect with on a deeper plane. Sometimes we just aren’t in the right place at the right time. Patience.
Love, although infinite, is also TRANSIENT. It comes and goes. Falling in love with a person does not mean this love will remain forever and ever, amen. (This is why marriage is fucked – but that’s another story.) Accept the fact that you could possibly stop loving your partner tomorrow, and don’t take it for granted today! This allows us to surrender to the beauty of every moment and be completely dazzled by how powerful love really is. If love departs a relationship, both sides will feel it, and it will only be fear and attachment holding them together – can you say destructive? So be courageous enough to accept what is going on in ever moment, and noble enough to respect your soul in doing what is right for you.
@lozzjd, I wasn’t trying to pry at you, sorry. I had just never thought of that in previous conversations with advocates of open relationships. I wanted to see what you would say.
Good for you on the whole thing. Maybe i’m not the type, or maybe I get tied in with girls that aren’t the type, but I’ve never tried it. I’ll be hoping for the best for you guys. You should let us all know how it is working for you around christmas time. It would be great to hear some insights.
@buddha, I have to agree with that. I discussed this option with my partner and he told me that one should think well about the consequences. Why the need for an “open relationship”? What does being in a relationship mean to you and what is really different between an open and an exclusive relationship? Can we fall in love with more people at the same time? Is it going to be fair to all parties? How different is it from polygamy??
@kidvisions, It’s not like legitimatizing cheating. More like making lust a good thing. And the selfish part is when people want to have fun, and having fun is having fun, it could get bad if it’s too much. Really simple! No matter what people believe, a lot of them try to make others like them – that’s the selfish part. No need to say that some people are just not looking or thinking so much about relationships and sex because they have other interests. If someone really likes someone else and wants to fuck their brains out, it would be really bad if the horny one can’t dedicate themselves to one person because their natural nymphomania doesn’t let them, so society is something they’d like to blame. If something doesn’t seem natural for some, it would seem natural for others. No one really gives a fuck as long as people are sexually educated and in good relations. We all know that there is much abuse with sex and people are just using others, even emotionally blackmailing them, no one should put their needs first – that leads to being selfish and ignorant.
There are couples that aren’t miserable and aren’t in open relationships so there’s no need to say something that simply isn’t. :D