Me and my partner have recently decided we are going to have an open relationship. We are very happy with each other and have complete confidence in our relationship but want to explore a different type of relationship.
We have had other partners with us in the bedroom and it has been a lot of fun, this seems to be the next step.
We are smart about it and have some ground rules in place and are planning on being very open with one another about how we feel and what we do.
Wondering what everyone’s thoughts are on this type of relationship – have you had one? are you in one? has it been good/ bad for your relationship.
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@beyond, As you mentioned, if the beliefs of the 2 parties align, then either way it would be a great experience. These ideologies seem to have different perks :). The perk of a monogamous relationship imo is the pleasure of exclusivity and power(control). That is a very powerful pleasure actually. Like would it be fun to buy a Rolls Royce if everyone in the city had the same? It also give both parties a sense of security (due to commitment). The flip side would be loss of freedom and communication cannot go that deep where you can reveal any desires that threaten the deal.
The pleasure of polygamy/polyandry could be the FREEDOM of expressing our true desires and could potentially result in a much deeper communication. But this freedom would remove the pleasure of exclusivity and control. Security would be another concern here. We are perennially looking for security even in our daily lives. Trying to find a house with a lease of 1 year, trying to get a job that at-least guarantees you one or two years etc.
An argument for the above might be, if both the people are at a high level of self development and are independent/open-minded/self-reliant and have a deep awareness of their beliefs, desires and the psyche, they could share a glorious relationship. That would require a fairly high level level of maturity, detachment and understanding.
But what percentage of people would be that developed? Where would you find them?
And the other issue is today’s society is entirely biased towards monogamy. Where would you meet your partners besides the few polygamous groups/community in the city?
There needs a new open-minded system that provides equal avenues and opportunities for both these choices. For people tilting towards polygamy, they would be at odds against the conditioning of the masses towards monogamy in the current system.
Personally, I would gravitate towards anything that leads to more freedom.
@bobbylloydxd, Thanks man, I recently came across this site and its a pleasure to find like-minded people here. I actually have a personal blog, not sure if I can write a book of it :).
Here’s the link:
Feel free to comment on it or discuss any of its ideas with me.
@deepak87, This is all very intriguing indeed, though you can be free within a relationship too, you just have to realize that control, exclusivity and power is actually an understanding, being there for someone despite them, knowing that they would be there too, faithfulness, trust, dedicating all your time when they need you and always coming back to you because they know what it is to have someone that close. The more “Freedom” you get, the less time you’ll have for everyone, while being in a normal relationship – you’ll have the time to benefit from having a friend too. How would you get close to more than just one person if you don’t have time for everyone? It seems like monogamy isn’t for everyone because it’s too difficult for them and it is rather obvious that people choose the easy ways of handling relationships. People who still believe in it and those people know what it is to build a strong connection, that would apply to your interests and is shared, which is not only sex-related and for having fun. Let’s be real, some people have more needs than they have time and they just like to be spoiled. There’s no need for a new open-minded system built on people’s endless excuses.
Ok so I thought I would give a bit of an update although it is a little earlier than I was planning to.
Things are going really well. We haven’t done a lot separately yet but what has happened so far has been fine :) both of us are still very happy in our relationship and are still very much in love.
So far there has not really been any issues with Jealousy as we are both being very honest with each other and as long as it stays that way I don’t see any issues arising any time soon.
I’ll get back to you all about it again in a few months time :)
@lozzjd – Hello LJ. This is my first HighExistence post. It is great to hear that things are working out so well with you and your partners after a month :)
I am a male, and have been in a polyamorous relationship for 9 months now. It is the best thing ever and I wouldn’t change it for the world – but not for the reasons most people would think!
I came into this style of relationship spontaneously and with little consideration. It just sort of appeared out of nowhere and, suddenly, we were open. I am glad everything came together in a smooth flow, because this approach has become foundational in my approach towards poly relationships — Go with the Flow. It is the only way.
I am glad I can post on this site in particular, because many people don’t understand what I am about to say. The best part about polyamory is that it is a constant exercise in mindfulness and non-attachment.
Don’t mind when jealousy appears. And definitely do not deny it when it does. Jealousy will NEVER go away – it is an innate and primal brainstem instinct we cannot control. As conscious individuals, what we can do is learn to accept jealousy in the same way that we learn to accept any other emotion by acknowledging its transient nature and knowing that whatever it is we may be feeling, our inner core remains unchanged. Jealousy happens. These days, I actually look forward to the feeling of jealousy because it gives me great insight as to where my fears and insecurities are. Jealousy (like all “negative” emotions) allows us to discover where blockages lay, and thus what we need to work on as we progress in our spiritual journeys.
So, being successfully poly forces us to constantly examine ourselves, acknowledging that emotions happen but being OK with that, and growing from it. If there is CONSTANT and RELIABLE communication between everyone as to how they are feeling (yes, even the icky feelings) then we learn to TRUST our partners deeply. In my relationship, we give each other notice before any sexual acts with a new partner – this communication must be consistent or the trust fails. *It is SO important to honour your partner(s) with by continually respecting whatever ground rules you have laid out together.*
The feeling resulting from having such a solid foundation of trust in your partner that you are OK giving them free reign in the world is completely unparalleled, and is something monogamous partners will never experience.
The Buddhists often speak about “non-attachment”. There is absolutely nothing permanent in our lives. The only everlasting thing is the divine presence within and around all of us. Thus is it unwise to attach ourselves to anything (as in “my car”, “my money” and even “my girlfriend”) as these attachments can only result in suffering once time erases it all. The paradox is that by learning non-attachment we actually begin to Love everything more intensely. For example, by allow myself to accept the fact that one or both of my partners may very well find someone else and leave tomorrow, I can embrace the pure magic of every moment – what a miracle it is that we are together on this planet at this very moment! Pure love and light can enter the relationship without being dulled by expectations and egoic attachments.
…In theory, this works well. In actuality, I am not enlightened, and so my mind cannot remain in a state of no expectation constantly. Thus I do find myself becoming more attached to my girls, and the thought of being torn apart can hurt. HOWEVER, it is still so, so, so, so very useful to practice mindfulness/awareness of transience/non-attachment constantly. Even a few seconds per week of pure, Present Love with your partner, unburdened from expectation, is enough to remind you why you are poly.
Wow, that was a big ramble. To summarize, I would say: Jealousy is normal. Communicate when you are feeling jealous. Actually, communicate constantly. Do not let anything bottle up, ever, or you’ll get destroyed by how fast emotions can spiral out of control in poly relationships. Go with the flow! Poly is all about embracing change and letting life do what it will. Don’t even resist non-polygamy if it happens to come along. Just embrace, embrace, embrace, and keep growing. Communicate.
You will find by living the poly lifestyle that you will mature and grow faster than others because the love and value of the core relationship(s) will push you to open the mind beyond societal barriers and into a more holistic and spiritual approach to love.
Oh god, I have more to say. Consider this a P.S.
Love is Infinite — and anyone every telling you that you can’t love more than one person has their head up their ass. The only barricade to our potential to love is (a) the capacity of our soul to channel divine energy (hint: we can take a lot, just ask Krishna) and (b) whether there are the right humans in our physical environment that we can connect with on a deeper plane. Sometimes we just aren’t in the right place at the right time. Patience.
Love, although infinite, is also TRANSIENT. It comes and goes. Falling in love with a person does not mean this love will remain forever and ever, amen. (This is why marriage is fucked – but that’s another story.) Accept the fact that you could possibly stop loving your partner tomorrow, and don’t take it for granted today! This allows us to surrender to the beauty of every moment and be completely dazzled by how powerful love really is. If love departs a relationship, both sides will feel it, and it will only be fear and attachment holding them together – can you say destructive? So be courageous enough to accept what is going on in ever moment, and noble enough to respect your soul in doing what is right for you.
Just my quick two cents…
Personally I’ve always been very pro open relationship. I won’t lie, I’m a nympho. There is a line I’ve drawn mentally between sex and between a relationship. whenever I’m in a relationship I love that person unconditionally. However, I can’t do monogamy… I don’t know if I haven’t found a partner good enough at sex, or if I’m just not wired that way. I refuse to get into a relationship unless it’s open because I know at some point I will get bored with the sex with this partner.
As for sex with other people I always be honest with them too. I let them know I am in an open relationship and this “roll around in the hay” is only for enjoyment and that there is never anything serious that will come from it. I’ve had outside people try to push back but that’s where you have the chance to really stand your ground and say No! I love this girl. She means everything to me and she let’s me be me.
For me, an actual relationship is way different then sex. Sex is just sex.. (not to mention in an open relationship you have sex more which makes you better at it, keeps you active, and makes you want it more). It really depends on the person but really as long as you can realize that sex is just sex and that your relationship is so much more. It’s a connection on a much deeper level, then you have nothing to worry about.
Just make sure your girl knows that you have a deeper connection with her then just sex. As long as she knows that you won’t have anything to worry about.
I say do what you feel. Just don’t have a baby and don’t get attached, it only complicates things if you are trying to keep this open. I’ve been contemplating giving in to the idea in regards to my own life. If it’s mostly sex you guys want, wear a condom. It’s just sex. No worries. No care, just satisfaction.
Personally, I have had this kind of relationship, and I prefer it. Unfortunately it’s way is looked down upon and most guys I have fallen deeply for (after the first relationship I had) are far too prone to jealousy and even more are too insecure.
But I very much do feel that love and sex are different things. Of course you have sex with the one you love, and you make love. This is sooo very true and its so very beautiful.
But if you truly love someone, experiencing sex with others with and without your partner is okay. You know you love them and you trust them, and in the end you always will be happy with them, and will always love them. Yes it is possible you fall for someone else, but if so, this would just of happened anyways.
Its all about loving fully, experiencing fully, trusting fully. But just have fun and enjoy the time and experience! Don’t lie – to yourself or you partner, be open and just be, just feeel! :)
@lozzjd, I hate seeing the posts that say you guys should break up. I never understood that. It’s YOUR relationship and if that’s what you want then do it. What makes them think they have the right to decide that your relationship is any less real is beyond me.
The thing with an open relationship is that both partners do what they please sexually but at the end of the day they chose to return to each other. I have a buddy who is in an open relationship and they’ve been like that for 15 years.
At first they were cool about it till things gotten too far, like phonecalls or text messages while interrupting the lovers leisure time when together. They set even more complex rules and they’re still going strong. In my opinion i don’t agree with open relationships cause it bombards the natural idea of love and what it should be. But I suppose love evolves in many ways as for gay and lesbian couples refining their own ways of what that may be. Like gay porn actors who are in relationships, yet are ok with fucking around with other men.
@lesterdeguzman, I can see where you’re coming from. Though the only thing I’d say to it is that love is love. Some people have their own ways of loving and carrying themselves. It should never be considered “wrong” if it’s what they want. :)
Who knows what love would be today if those who decided to love the way they wanted weren’t so violently oppressed. In the past there was a lot of ‘conform or die’ type situations. People of the past were forced to live their lives a certain way. Who is to say what’s “natural?” :3 just my two cents
@jblisstaz, Setting rules? Relationships already have rules-> don’t fuck someone else.
If one of you is emotionally attached to the partner with the rules of a traditional relationship, then one of you will get hurt. If you don’t give a shit and realize everyone is allowed to sleep with anyone they want, it’s fine.
I personally think anyone can fuck anyone they want. One may want to commit, but if the partner has sex with someone else, who cares? no need to be a cry baby
Talking about children, it’s better for a child to grow up with 1 parent in a loving environment, or with 2 parents who are fine with each other having different partners and having separate lives where they both don’t care (so the environment is not hostile)…. rather than the child growing up with two unhappily married couple who fight all the time and the dad spends his time watching porn and the mom is looking for someone else to fuck but she will feel guilty because of a bullshittery concept called ‘marriage’ or ‘monogamy’ or whatever.