I am at the end of my rope and came back to HE to search for answers.
Initially, I just had poor appetite most of my life and the past few years lost more weight than looks healthy or that I like to look like. So the past few years I tried all kinds of stuff to get into regular meals – cooking, weed, ghee, whey protein, weight lifting, et cetera. Now I just plain lost my appetite… or losing it. I’d eat an egg in the middle of the day, or just a dinner. Sometimes two meals. That’s cool, but I am 24 year old WOMAN at 5’3 and 80-84lbs (petite frame). I do not like my body thin, and I HATE being fatigued and weak/ sore/ achy. I have visited multiple doctors and all I got was their alarming concern that I’m so lightweight and an adult, and guesses that I was depressed* or had an anxiety disorder. (* See more on this and on marijuana use in detail in last paragraph if interested)
I cook up a delicious, nutritious, vegetable and protein-laden dream of a meal and will nibble on 1/6th of it and go on with my day, saying I will eat it later and then altogether forget or procrastinate. I found mixing junk food helps (yes, gross, but I mix chicken and nutella and will eat some of it at least). I just want to pack on like fifteen pounds and f**ing keep them for a long time, easily. I have a lightning fast metabolism and with effort gain 2 lbs a month but lose up to 5-6 if I start to slack.
I’m tired of hearing how lucky i am to be so small and thin and all that stuff from almost everyone and it hurts that this isn’t taken seriously. I break down every day because I am so irritable and worn out without food. I am starting to look sick. My hair grows slow, I look super tired, my nails don’t grow and my skin all over looks super aged. I am starting to get really angry and bitter and snap at full-figured ladies making comments at me. I know they have problems too, and my problem is starting to set in WAY TOO DEEPLY and hurting my emotional state.
To be blunt and honest, I am so tired of putting substantial amounts of energy and effort into trying to maintain various healthy approaches to healthy living in order for the natural appetite to return. But I wasn’t a big eater as a kid either, so I suspect I suffered from poor nutrition, probably. I am becoming less and less of a believer in yoga/ meditation/ making fitting food choices as the days go by and my effort doesn’t pay off. It takes almost all my energy and attention to dick around this whole food thing, and its probably backfiring me at this point by making me stressed and anxious and lose appetite even more out of being sick of trying to stand on my head and perform various “rituals” to get any motivation. There were times in my life I ate five large meals on the clock and felt better but it all took sooo much effort and caused me to neglect other part of my life and also feel trapped and unhappy within two weeks of this forced food focus. I guess I am looking for the magic bullet because I am just tired of anything else and ready to live off air and lay in bed all my life. Please bring me some answers or blankets and pillows.
thanks for any responses or any unwanted body fat donations.
*the extra info:
drugs and emotional state:
My emotional state has been roughly the same for years, if not better now. I suspect I was pretty depressed in the past but I would rather not discuss it. I don’t know if something’s in my emotional unconsciousness but I am seeing a shrink regularly now with no progress on appetite. I’ve even started celexa and occasional klonopin which increased my productivity in life and made it much easier to begin to fix my life so I don’t hate it and don’t feel as hopeless. I know a lot of people here are anti prescription, but I judge that I needed it and I will let you keep your opinions. I haven’t had any eating issues like anorexia or bulimia – the only eating disturbance I have had is not having teeth that I can use to chew (but finally four years later i got all of that fixed! Full mouth of working teeth!!!). I take various adaptogen supplement herbs that help curb cortisol, but i do build tolerance to them and end up losing interest in regular meals.
Marijuana: I was a frequent smoker and that totally helped with appetite but is not the ultimate solution obviously. Now on celexa I either have a blockage going on or I’ve just built incredible tolerance because I can smoke those sticky hash cubes or whatever they are and get two plates of paste out of that. It is getting expensive. My dealer smokes one hit and he’s high, and it takes me five or more now so I’m giving up on pot somewhat.
First of all – stop stressing. Stress can definitely contribute to not having a healthy appetite. Secondly – begin engaging yourself in any sort of healthy excercise. Lift weights – run, anything you want to do. Your endorphins will give you that healthy boost for mental clarity and will rev your metabolism up so that you’ll be ready to eat some food. Thirdly – smoke mary jane. Not only will it correct your appetite issue – but you will have a life changing experience.
Maybe try preparing snacks ahead of time, like portioning little ziplocs of trailmix or fruit or granola bars or something that you can easily grab later and keep eating throughout the day. I’m a guy and have the same issue, no appetite and lightning metabolism, has made it very difficult my whole life to gain any weight. But that always sounded like a good idea to me. It’s all about taking in the right amount of calories. If you do some research with your BMI you can figure out how many calories you need to eat per day to gain X weight in Y time. Then you just gotta plan your day’s meals and add in those prepared snacks and you’d be surprised how quick it can fill in. It takes some commitment though, so I encourage you to take the initiative! I still just have put in the effort to make the change, myself. I know you could do it.
This seems a somato-psychological to me. Your relation with being hungry is one of resistance, you probably never notice that you are hungry and the feeling will dissapate quickly when you have eaten. Mindfulness and yoga (kundalini in this case) works, but only on the surface. It seems to me that the neglectance of primal needs had a function to protect yourself when you were young (the more primal, the more shielded you needed to be).
A psychologist can help, especially when she (i would recommend a female) is bodily minded. For mindfulness practice, try to enjoy eating. Dont mind healthy food in the beginning, focus on tasting, exploring sensations, see what it does with stomach sensations/abdomen sensations.
If you want something stronger, find a Ayahuasca shaman and ask the plant for help.
thanks everyone for the replies
@aestheticbrah thank you reminding me that i could very likely be stressing myself out and therefore not noticing that I could be getting the opposite of what I am trying to achieve! This seems to slip my mind. Im already an on and off heavy stoner surrounded by people growing great weed, and yes it has been by far the best way to consistently eat enough.
@livelifeloving Interesting point!! I will give this some thought because I can see that I am possibly missing this idea from my perspective. Great catch! Thanks
@martijn oh thank you so much for your answer! This has been the most helpful response I’ve gotten in years. I would LOVE absolutely love to hear anything else you can add on this subject. I also would like to know why a female psychologist. I have been to a sliding scale counselor but all it did is showed me that I possibly have a lot of issue have been in denial about to work on, so I break down alone and let my crazy do its thing. I would like to understand better what you meant here – my english isnt that good and I am also curious about the larger concept in this ” It seems to me that the neglectance of primal needs had a function to protect yourself when you were young (the more primal, the more shielded you needed to be). ” Also, starting an ssri has been a huge change in actually enjoying eating since I could only get there while stoned most of times but I think of this as a bridge to hopefully not having a distressing reflex in the future and suffer loss of appetite so often. What has been working the best is building a better relationship with myself and cooking/ eating with earplugs in so I can really tune everything out with thick silence and just hear my heartbeat and breathing and feel at least a bit more at home that way. I truly appreciate you taking the time to write this here and I took a lot out of it. Glad I posted! Take care. You are a huge cloud of inspiration.