Release your funny

2 years, 5 months ago

I love this website for how it allows you to relate to people all over the world, how it tries to help people with their problems, and how it discusses some deep and emotional subjects. But right now, I just need funny, and I want to get to know you. So in the comment section below, post some funny things about yourself. I am a fan of the odd, bizarre, and the weird, so unleash yourself, all of yourself. I’ll get the ball rolling, here are a few things about me to help you to get to know me better. The following list is completely true(do I look like someone who would lie on the internet?)

2) I have an irrational fear of odd numbers. I used to have a really good friend named nine, but then seven eight nine. I havent been able to count properly ever since.

4) I dated Kate Beckinsale for a short time in 2003, but had to dump her because she was way too in love with me way too early- almost Fatal Attraction-like.

6) I suffer from a rare disease called “Linguacapillitis”, which is a disorder where I can’t grow hair on my tongue.

8) In my senior year of highschool I was voted cass clown as well as ” most likely to dance naked on national television for money”.

10) I was a Senator from North Carolina once and almost got a bill passed to convert the USA to the metric system.

12) I love my family and I love my friends. I also “love” myself, sometimes as many as three times a day…HIYOO!!!!

14) Sometimes I have to leave parties and other events because I have a fear of balloons.

16) I once met a cat named yoinkie. We did not get along.

18) I believe that I am god’s gift to women. Unfortunately god has a sense of humour so he included a free return label as well as a gift exchange reciept :(

20) I am un-victorious in my lifetime at the game of Risk, with a record of 0-9-74(74 ties were a result of getting frustrated, flipping the board game and saying “fuck this shit”)

22) I envy giraffes for their long legs- but not their necks, those gross me out.

24) I taught Michael Flatley everything he knows. Therefor I am the true “Lord of the Dance” and he is just a “Prince”, if that…

26) I was once hit by a car driven by an ex-girlfriend… and then reversed back over, and then ran over again… but I’m still here Kate!

28) I sometimes dont finish my sentences like people think I Bull testicles.

30) I have successfully ended the song, “this is the song that never ends” from lambchop’s play along.

32) I inappropriately laugh at midgets, people getting hit in the balls, and fart jokes. If I ever see a midget get hit in the balls and let out a fart as a result, I may be the first casualty of death by laughing.

August 8, 2012 at 7:56 pm

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

A baby seal walks into a club.

A father buffalo looks on to his son buffalo in glory, until his son comes up to him with a grim look on his face.
“Dad, I’m going off to college. I’ll miss you.”
“Bison.”

When I found out my hair dryer wasn’t water proof… I was shocked.

If you guys can think of a better fish pun… let minnow.

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Profile photo of Cody Cody (@versai) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

I was gonna post a gay joke, butt fuck it

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Profile photo of The_truth_is_ The_truth_is_ (@sirensetmefree) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

@yoinkie,

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

Why did the old lady forget her purse? Because she has Alzheimer’s.

Why did the little girl not run in the school race? Because she had no legs.

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.

There’s my funny.

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Profile photo of Sasho Stoyanov Anonymous (@) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

Guybrush Threepwood: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Woodchuck: A woodchuck could chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck couldn’t chuck wood.
Guybrush Threepwood: But if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck some amount of wood, what amount of wood would a woodchuck chuck?
Woodchuck: Even if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and even if a woodchuck would chuck wood, should a woodchuck chuck wood?
Guybrush Threepwood: A woodchuck should chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, as long as a woodchuck would chuck wood.
Woodchuck: Oh, shut up!

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Profile photo of Kno How Kno How (@knohow) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

I got home from work today and the shortly after the police arrived at my door. They continued to inform me that I had to keep my dog under control because he was chasing people on bicycles. Immediately I told them they must have the wrong house because I know for a fact that my dog CANNOT ride a bicycle

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Profile photo of O'Reilly O’Reilly (@oreilly) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

If sex with two people is called a twosome, and sex with three people is a threesome, well now I know why people keep calling me handsome.

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Profile photo of Obviously, you're not a golfer Obviously, you’re not a golfer (@donjaime23) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

@yoinkie, There is no such thing as “inappropriately” laughing at a fart joke. Farts are easily one of the single funniest things on planet Earth and there is no shame nor time when it is unacceptable to laugh at them or their associated humor. End of story.

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Profile photo of Alicia Lee Alicia Lee (@aliwine) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

The first dirty joke I learned: There were two kids playing in a sand box, a boy and a girl. The boy flashed the girl his ween and the girl said “I don’t have one of those!!” then ran home to her Mom to ask her what it was. Her Mom said “That’s your garage, and whatever you do don’t let a boy park his car in there!” The little boy ran home to his Dad to ask what he had, his Dad said “That’s your limo, you can park it in any garage you want!” They met back at the sand box to play. Later the little girl ran home crying with a bloody hand. Her Mom asked “What happened?!?!!?” She said “Johnny tried to park his car in my garage so I ripped his back tires off”

Hmm some things about me

I am a Mom, a young one
I am half Native American- Cayuga and Ojibwe
I am a preschool teacher- I went to college for Early Childhood Education
I am not 100% sure what I want my end career to be but I am going to University next year for Child and Family Studies.
A “psychic” told me that I would marry a famous musician that I meet in my twenties and that I would be a well known author and also write songs. =S I don’t think I really believe that.
I pick my thumbs
I once ate twenty-three hot dogs in a contest

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Profile photo of Milo Milo (@milo) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

I went to a zoo the other day that only had one dog. It was a shih tzu.

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Profile photo of Carina Carina (@misssunbeam) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

There’s a fish swimming in a river, 4 inches above the fish there is a fly. The fish thinks, if that fly drops 4 inches, I’ll have my dinner.
There’s a bear on the shore watching the fish, the bear thinks, if that fly drops 4 inches and the fish goes for the fly, he’ll be in the right place for me to swoop him up, and I’ll have my dinner.
There’s a hunter behind the bear, the hunter thinks, if that fly drops 4 inches and the fish goes for the fly and the bear goes for the fish, I’ll have the perfect shot at the bear, and I’ll have my dinner.
There’s a mouse behind the hunter, the mouse thinks, if that fly drops 4 inches and the fish goes for the fly and the bear goes for the fish and the hunter goes for the bear, that sandwich hanging out of the hunter’s bag will drop, and I’ll have my dinner.
There’s a cat behind the mouse, the cat thinks, if that fly drops 4 inches and the fish goes for the fly and the bear goes for the fish and the hunter goes for the bear and the mouse goes for the sandwich, that mouse will easily be my dinner.
So the inevitable happens, the fly drops 4 inches, the fish goes for the fly, the bear goes for the fish, the hunter goes for the bear, the mouse goes for the sandwich, and the cat pounces at the mouse but completely misses and lands in the river.
The moral of the story: When the fly drops 4 inches, you’ll get a wet pussy.

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Profile photo of Z B Z B (@zooneyvt) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

Why are M&M’s full of chocolate?
Because it would be illegal to fill them full of shit.

Why did ET the Extra Terrestrial love Reese’s pizzas so much?
Well because they have the same flavour that cum does on his own planet.

How do you keep your pet dog from licking his balls?
Coat them in Domino’s pizza sauce.

Why did God create Domino’s Pizza?
To punish humanity for their complacency at letting the Holocaust happen.

Why do Pringles employees get laid so often?
Because they can.

Why does Arby’s put so much mayonnaise on their sandwiches?
It makes it easier to flush them down the toilet.

How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac?
Unwrap it.

Why did Ronald McDonald have sex with his sister?
His judgment was impaired from all those years of eating junk food.

Why does KFC come in a bucket?
So you have something to throw up into afterwards.

Why did the Sanders girls, Colonel Sanders’ daughters, absolutely refuse to eat KFC’s extra crispy fried chicken?
Well because it brought back too many bad memories of their late father’s foreskin.

Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?
Because he was ashamed of them.

And why, why did, on his deathbed, why did Colonel Sanders on his deathbed reveal the secret of his eleven herbs and spices to Academy Award-nominated actress Sally Fields?
Well, because he was desperate for a handjob… Would that have been funnier if we had a black gospel choir behind me?

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