Call me crazy or weird, but in my life thus far I’ve noticed that I cannot get turned on by a girl (even if I find her very physically attractive) if:
a) I cannot connect with her emotionally and I don’t genuinely appreciate or admire something about her personality, values and traits.
b) There’s not enough sexual tension built up, or
c) I put pressure on myself and get anxious
1. Anyone have similar realizations or comments?
2. If you’ve had memorable sexual experiences, what are your insights on what make it great?
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This question is rhetorical, so you don’t have to answer it but are you a virgin? because if you are then it might all just be psychological. You could be nervous about having a sexual experience with a woman so you create all these excuses to avoid the situation. I know I did that before I ever had sex. I was self conscious, I was terrified, I was worried, I just simply over thought the situation. When it finally happened I was relieved and surprised that nothing I was worried about mattered.
I personally love sex…Not for the reason of it being “the cool” thing to do and not for it being somewhere to put my penis. I enjoy the connection I have with the person, I enjoy the intimacy, the passion, the affection. It all connects for me and I can feel this with any woman. Physical attraction is huge though.
Well I think I need help so I’ll give some details (this is for guys so ladies, you prob don’t need to read this)…
I actually had an experience last night and there weren’t really emotions involved. I was feeling fine about it and we were both relaxed and just having fun (I took your advice Manimal to just enjoy the moment, no negative thoughts). I was pleasuring her and it got to a point where she wanted me to start (penetration). But I wasn’t, you know, turned on enough and my buddy wasn’t ready to go. This has happened to me many times, I think 8 times to be exact. More details:
I went into the bathroom to try to mentally relax and get turned on, and after 5 minutes or so I was ready to go. Then I went out and she freaked out cause i was gone for that long, “What’s wrong why were you gone????” and all that bs.. So after that I lost the feeling and was back on square one.
I thought about it and I can get myself ready to go on my own, but when I have a human being right there next to me I can’t focus enough (because my mind is distracted by other things like giving her attention, talking with her, pleasuring her, etc.) I know this is an uncomfortable subject but if anyone can give me advice I’d really appreciate it, I kind of need it.
a) This is common. It’s a result of social conditioning, you’re numb to the actual attraction. This ego reaction seeking makes it impossible. The distorted standards make it hard too. You need to break out of it if you want attraction.
b)That’s YOUR responsibility, man. You create the tension.
c)Stop thinking bad thoughts, it’s that simple. Feel good, if you can’t think good thoughts just stop thinking (actually even better.) You’re doing this to yourself, you can stop whenever you decide to.
1. Yeah I used to be like that too. I decided to fix the problem, that’s all it comes down to. It’s all about you, and your choices. You choose to do this to yourself, to stifle yourself and feel bad, you can choose to do the opposite.
Just stop searching for perfection, if you just relax it will be super easy. Attraction is retardedly simple, it’s hilarious how people make it seem so complicated. Your bitch ego doesn’t belong in attraction situations, attraction is primal and simple and the ego has nothing to do with it. Just enjoy the woman, that’s all it comes down to. Enjoy, feel good, have fun, otherwise you kill the attraction before it even emerges. Feel good, and people will want to feel good with you. Feel bad and people will think you’re creepy and/or annoying.
Just enjoy the woman for what she is, and be yourself. That’s it, insane attraction follows.
Typical problem man its called (Murphy’s law) or stage fright for short haha. I used to struggle with that a lot. You need to keep it as far from your mind as possible when the moment arises. If you over think it, it will happen. Its hard at first so if that doesn’t work let the girl know your fetish, weve all got one. Sure it may be embarrassing at first but i’m sure the girl would rather you suck on her toes (for example) than you not be able to perform.
Health plays a big role in your libido; when the body is under stress reproduction is a very low priority. Although you may think you’re fine, just keep an eye out on your health. If it was me I’d keep a logbook of my meals each day along with my pulse/temperature looking out for a low/high pulse and low temperatures. The average temperature of a healthy body is 98.6 Fahrenheit, anything significantly (>0.5) below means you’re physiologically not healthy.
I know this is for guys, but I have experience relevant to this discussion since I dated someone for quite a while that had a similar situation. We could be messing around for x amount of time and he’s ready that whole time and then the instant I try to jump on it it’s gone. It is definitely psychological and it’s hard to dismantle the pressure that someone puts on themselves… The way I found to get around it was just make it clear there was no hurry (not verbally, because referencing it during the experience definitely doesn’t help) and spend extra time on foreplay.. So I guess you could let the lady(ladies) know that you don’t want to rush it. If you can focus on whatever sexual interaction is going on at hand and keep sex off your mind as the “ultimate goal” (because really, sex is about so much more than just the penetration), then I think it will be less of a problem. There are also a couple of herbs I’ve read about(yes I’ve researched this) that are supposed to help blood flow. This is just a theory but after experiencing someone with this issue I am convinced that it is due to subconscious beliefs and pressure you’re putting on yourself. It’s always hard to try to reconstruct subconscious beliefs but if I were you I’d try to reinvent my idea of sex. Do you meditate? Maybe practicing going into a meditative state before sex would help. Then you could let your body guide you and get your mind to calm the fuck down.
@Raphale Then please explain, how come poor people fuck more and have more children? And how come heavy drug abusing, sleepless, exhausted rockstars fuck so much? Sure, the physical priority for procreation falls, but people still have their own will. Being healthy is not very important for libido, its influence isn’t very big unless you’re starving, dehydrated or severely sleep depraved
As for the body temperature stuff, I call bollocks on that. The healthiest people I konw all have lower pulse and body temp than that. And if you’ve ever done eastern martial arts you know that this is a goal with the practice. As well as in meditation and ki gong.
@Jack Well, you went into your thoughts and didn’t enjoy the moment. I’ve done the same mistake. You tried to force things, and you tried to follow her expectations, that’s a double wrong which kills the erection.
If it happens again, just stop thinking and relax. Don’t try to do anything. Just look at how hot she is, kiss her or tease her or whatever. Just enjoy it.
Stop thinking of it as a bad thing, that’s that’s the kind of thoughts that will keep the bad stuff in your head. There is no problem, don’t make one of it. If you can’t avoid thinking of it, think positive. Something like “Look at my self control, I ain’t even hard” or whatever. But the best is to not think.
Just look, listen, and enjoy.
When it comes to women with me (although I’ve got more estrogen swimming around in my hormones) I’m always turned on by a genuine spirit. She can be radiant and curvy, but if I feel as though she’s being dishonest with herself or with me, then I find it hard to have the desire to be intimate with her.
It’s different for everyone, though, so you shouldn’t necessarily feel ashamed or strange.
@Ellie I appreciate the female perspective and I might actually try meditation..
@Manimal I did try to enjoy the moment and wasn’t thinking about it until she said she wanted me to start and I couldn’t. The problem may be deeper..
@Bryan the foreplay was one way and so I had to ask her for help and actually guide her hand cause she was so bad at it :-/
I’m not so sure about the rest, but for me, choice “a” is definitely true. Regardless of physical attraction, I could not really be turned on by someone grounded in reality, in fact, I’d be more than a little turned off.
@Jack I’m glad you like it. And the more you keep that mindset and take action that’s congruent with it, it will just keep getting better and better. Positive feedback loop. Just remember, you’re awesome and this world is your playground, there is nothing worth feeling bad over.
Actually here’s details I left out (if interested):
After having her help me and me guiding her, I was able to get hard. But the moment I put on a condom and she tried to jump on, my buddy lost the excitement.
I’m thinking it definitely must be subconscious but I can’t put my finger on what it is..
I gotta agree with Raphael.
Porn has a huge impact on how you approach certain sexual situations with women. Naturally, once you have expelled your men watching porn, your body has no need to go out and search for a mate. Your body doesn’t know the difference between sex and masturbation all it knows is it has already released its life and it has no need to search for more. Hold off on the porn for a while and you will begin to notice a HUGE change.