Strange love situation that I’m struggling to move on from.

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Avatar of Jim Dean
Jim Dean (@butch)09.27.2011 at 12:33 pm

Update: Cut contact tonight. Have absolutely no way of getting in touch with her if I wanted to.

Incredibly saddening, but even this early I have a small feeling of freedom.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible (turned out not to be very brief after typing all of this up. I appreciate it to anyone who reads this.)

December 2010, met this girl online in this time-killing game. Couldn’t believe it. Lotta weird folks hung out there. She seemed ridiculously normal. Turns out she was. The one in a million odds of meeting her there still make me laugh.

About six months of emails/msn/texts later I’d fallen massively in love with her…or, who I THOUGHT she was.

That’s one of the giant elements about this that bothers me. I’ve never heard her voice, let alone seen her in person. I’m one who believes physical/in-person chemistry is very important. So I’m thinking I may have just fell in love with an illusion of who I think she is.

Anyway, point is even via text no one has been able to relate to me/get me to care so much about them as she has. She’s a lot like me. Doesn’t care about the little shit, generally funny as hell/light-hearted, could flawlessly move between a cock joke and an intelligent conversation about life. lmao

I don’t know. Basically she’s everything I didn’t know I wanted. Up until her I never met a girl I wanted to develop anything serious with. And everyone I met after her has been just like that. The women I meet just seem to be emotional train wrecks. So many problems that have no basis in reality.

Well anyway I’m leaving out some pretty important details. We talked like every night in one form or another. Eventually I told her I liked her a lot. According to her she had a thing for me too, though apparently not as much as I did her.

She lives like 12 hours away. So one night we had a conversation and she said something along the lines that the distance was just too much and she wouldn’t be able to handle it (this if we tried to make something more happen). She had an ex who went to college six hours away or something and I guess that was too hard on her. This all could have been her nice way of saying "Sorry man, I just don’t like you as much as you me."

So anyhoo I got a little desperate and wrote up this giant love letter on how I would make it work. lmao Oh God. I guess I don’t regret doing it because I can say I literally did everything I could to try to make it work, but it certainly didn’t work. She’s a very understanding girl so she got why I did it, but I could still tell it creeped her out.

Anyway a few days later she admitted it certainly did creep her out via email and said she had to cut contact with me. Probably should have just let her ago at that time.

Few embarrassingly desperate emails later (honestly didn’t know I could get like that. That was a huge pride blow for me personally. Always thought I kinda had it together and would never be "that guy."), we talked and said we’d remain friends, though the no contact thing kind of stayed in place.

I didn’t talk to her for two months or so aside from a few brief emails in-between. Anyway she contacted me and she acted like nothing happened. Said she missed me and things, but this time around I was absolutely treating it like nothing more than a friendship. She’d dated once or twice in those two months and so had I. Unfortunately I never moved on but I didn’t let her know.

Anyway it’s been about a month or so since we started talking again. We can still talk as if nothing happened, we’re not as flirty as we used to be, but I did a good job of convincing her (and myself) that I was moving on. Unfortunately "moving on" was just suppressing and it’s been hitting me like a train (especially with every woman I meet in real life failing to live up to her at all). lately that I still feel very strongly for her.

Anyway I’m not sure what to do. I feel moved on enough that during the day I don’t think about her much. Unfortunately at times like this when I wake up in the middle of the night she tends to be on my mind a lot. And if she texts me my gut drops just like it always has. Feels like I’m right back in it from a few months ago. I don’t know if I should just cut contact or what. I feel like if I did that it’d be out of nowhere because we only hit each other up every two or three days.

But at the same time, I DO want to fall in love again and find a wife…I just feel like maybe my standards are so high that I won’t find her…or maybe she was literally so one of a kind that they don’t make ‘em like her. lmao That said I think part of me is stuck in the past, and maybe even has hope that something could turn around. It’s irrational because it really can’t.

I don’t know. It’s so messed up. I was so independent and confident before I met her. I think that’s what attracted her to me in the first place. As time went on, the harder I fell, the more I started over analyzing and then my self-esteem/confidence crashed. Doesn’t make sense to me.

Sometimes I think about how easy it might have been for us to meet in person and had a TERRIBLE date. That’d at least give me closure because I’d know. I feel like I’m still in love with what might of been or who I think she is.

And that’s another thing. I put her on the pedestal and she never gave me a reason to bring her down. She never hurt me, insulted me, made me jealous on purpose or anything. So I can’t use the ex trick of "Write down everything you hate about her."

I just feel kinda trapped.

Any advice is appreciated. :/

0 votes, posted 09.27.2011 at 12:33 pm
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Avatar of Kyla
Kyla (@dali)2 years, 6 months ago ago

Honestly, I agree with you 100% that physical chemistry is very important. Have you seen a picture of her before? It may sound shallow, but what if you meet her and think she’s the ugliest, most repulsive creature you’ve ever seen? You may get along swell, but what if you aren’t physically attracted to her? All of your emotional ups and downs will have been in vain. Looks definitely aren’t everything, but physical passion is important.
Long distance relationships are also really difficult. If you guys are thinking about making something more out of what you have now, make sure that the good outweighs the bad. Being with someone is supposed to make you happy, not sad and stressed because you can’t see your lover. Make sure you can handle it and that you can maintain hapiness even though you’re far apart. Fights and accusations happen because you don’t know what the other is doing, that’s where trust comes in. Like you said, she doesn’t sweat the small stuff, so fighting might not be a big problem, since she probably won’t interrogate you about something like commenting on a girl’s Facebook picture.
If you know nothing more than a friendship will come out of this but you still have strong romantic feelings, maybe you should cut contact to avoid being hurt, or at least until someone else catches your eye.

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Avatar of jep
jep (@tooth)2 years, 6 months ago ago

well from my experience long distance relationships just never work out. i have been in a few and they always fall apart one way or another. let me tell you a little story about one…..

i also met this really cool chick on the internet about five years ago or so. she was livng in sydney, aus. finishing up a masters degree in graphic design. keep in mind that im in rochester new york. anyways we talked a lot, on the phone, skype, texts, internet messages, etc….long story short, i got laid off from a job at the time, and had all the free time in the world, she had vacation time to use, so she came here for like five weeks. i showed her the country. we drove down the east coast stopping anywhere interesting for a few days (washington dc, myrtle beach, disney in florida, etc.) then we decided it would be cool to drive all the way to vegas and get married. we did.

it was one hell of a fun trip, saw and did lots of things, life seemed great. but after we got married, she had to be back at JFK in new york about a week or so later. that was the last time i saw her. we tried on multiple occassions to work things out (we were married for christs sake), but somehow the situation just never seemed to work no matter how hard we tried. we got very close a few times too, we had all of the immigration paperwork in (which is a nightmare btw)….now all these years later im just wrapping up the divorce.

i guess my point is, even if you both have the best intentions, unless you are going to actually just move somewhere together it is very very hard to make long distance relationships work.

I find it odd that you have never talked to this chick on the phone, or skype or anything, it makes me wonder if she is who she claims to be….i would def be a little leery of that.

i would think that maybe those times you werent hearing from her, was probably while she was seeing other people. maybe she doesnt want things as serious as you do? maybe you came off too strong….

you are talking about wanting a wife and whatnot, maybe she is nowhere near thinking about that shit yet ( i have no idea the age of either of you, but if youre less than 25 thats very possible). it seemed to me that women (or myself for that matter) werent thinking too hard about settling down until i started hitting my late twenties.

my advice? dont sweat it. date new people. sooner or later the right one will come around, never fails. just because you miss out on this one it is not the end of the world. it is likely that in the future you will find another one that may be ten times better in different ways. like they say “there are plenty of fish in the sea”

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Avatar of Ellie
Ellie (@tangledupinplaid21)2 years, 6 months ago ago

It is VERY possible to have great chemistry with someone online only to find out it is non existent in the flesh.

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Avatar of Kyla
Kyla (@dali)2 years, 6 months ago ago

True. So, have you not seen even a picture?

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Avatar of Jim Dean
Jim Dean (@butch)2 years, 6 months ago ago

Oh, yeah. I’ve seen A LOT of pictures. She’s gorgeous. Most beautiful girl in the world. lol

But also it’s not an option for anything more to develop. Like I said, she just doesn’t feel that strongly/anything really anymore. Just really appreciates my friendship, and I’ve been able to help her solve problems in ways other can’t.

For that reason I kinda felt obligated to stick around.

I’m thinking about just sitting her down one last time and just talking about all this. I think I just need closure or something. Maybe get it all out there, try to get answers to some of those questions I keep thinking about, and at the end just cut contact and try to move on.

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Avatar of Max Moon
Max Moon (@maxmoon)2 years, 6 months ago ago

Ouch. I know that feeling amigo. I’m seeing a trend that this scenario is rising more and more often with online dating and the internet. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’ve seen examples of huge success and then I’ve also seen marriages go on for far too long as a result of online dating. It’s also really weird and creepy that somebody would know something about you, information that you voluntarily put online, before you even meet the person IN person. No thanks.
It may seem harsh, but I think everybody could accelerate their course toward the love of their lives just by getting out more. Seriously.

As a rambling man, I’ve had plenty of heartbreaks. I have a drab history of failures in relationships, trying to keep them together when they shouldn’t have moved beyond a few weeks. For awhile I haven’t really felt the need to try and rig up a relationship with someone. For young people like most of this community, I see it as just asking to hurt yourself. I discovered that you might as well meet as many folks as possible, try to stay in touch with those you like and you may even meet up later in life. I meet amazing persons everywhere, and sometimes we click, get laid and/or form lasting friendships. but I always have that excuse. Maybe I’m being an Idiot. Maybe I’ve passed her by…

Anyway All I’m saying is that the universe will unfold as it should for you, brother. Trust me.

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Avatar of Jim Dean
Jim Dean (@butch)2 years, 6 months ago ago

@ Jep

I mean, she is who she says she is. That’s just something I know for sure. And I know that it really can’t work. I certainly did come on too strong and that’s what train-wrecked the whole situation.

Like I said, intellectually I know I have to move on from this but it’s all the “what ifs?” and weird variables that’s making it tough. That and the heart’s still back there.

And yes, I’m young. I’m only 19, coming up on 20. Which is why I wish I was like every other 19 year old and could just not give a fuck and worry about marriage a decade from now. Unfortunately I got hooked on the feeling and I wanna date for the long haul. lol

We texted a bit today. We’re gonna talk tomorrow via msn. She thinks it’s not about something important so it’s totally gonna knock her on her ass. -_-’

It’s gonna suck ass to lose the friendship ’cause she’s literally the only person in my life at the moment who can relate to me so well. I’ll just have to pick my ass up fast and try to meet people to keep me afloat.

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