Suicidal thoughts, letting go, and healing for real (long)
Hello HEthens, I’m bringing both a universally and personally very sensitive topic to you today…
It’s hard for me to say it out loud or type it, but I’m getting better about it. Not talking about it just lets it simmer and become a dangerous, silent animal.
I took the first step of explaining my suicidal thoughts to my boyfriend of 1.5yrs during a bad fight (very very rare) where I was refusing to explain to him why I had been a crying wreck for two days straight.
I thought I had conquered those thoughts…. I have a lifelong history of battling depression, extreme insecurity, overcompensating and so on.
I always seem to cycle in the bipolar fashion – longer cycles of repetitively “manic” or “depressive” actions and thoughts. I haven’t ever visited a therapist, but my mother has been diagnosed along with anxiety issues.
I hadn’t had serious suicidal thoughts in a long time… Like every once in a while, but it was always a sort of “passing option” on a purely logical, detached standpoint. I believe in reincarnation and all that, so the very thought of not living is scary but not that scary.
I had had what I thought was a “personal revolution” the beginning of this year. I had had immense spiritual re-awakenings during this time, completely overhauled my diet, lost weight successfully for the first time ever, started working out and found how much I loved it… so many good things happened.
But this has all seemed to shrink to minute nothings almost, and I feel no inspiration in daily life and am having a hard time reinstating my always unwavering faith in the universe.
Best days I feel numb and unaffected, most days I smoke weed and distract myself from what happens when I remember what I’m feeling. Just sadness sadness sadness.
I feel like I have lost all my friends. Actually, I feel like I never had any friends to begin with, honestly. I overanalyze everything, and it seems like I overestimate my worth to people every single time.
I want to let go. I want to let go of how people affect my life so. badly. I know this is what I need to do in order to get out of this funk. Otherwise I’m going to spiral too quickly and that’s such a dangerous place for me to be. Nothing but deep self-loathing with gross self-pity.
And I KNOW when I’m “all there” mentally and not just some passing-by haze of mind, that I care so much less about what people think.
But I can’t seem to let things go. I’ve been reading up on “purging negativity” and all that.
I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life so to speak, but I keep regressing even further into hermit mode. I’ve made the bold decision to deactivate my facebook for a few months to remove myself from the negative nature of the site.
I have no friends to speak of, so… that’s taken care of.
I know about meditation, I know all the tricks. I just want to feel better. :( I want to stop being so sad and without inspiration or energy to do things. I want to feel the magic of life again, but as a normal person on the path to enlightenment, not the internal hype of successfully making a few lifestyle changes while manic like before. It’s a deluded way of thinking and I’ve noticed this.
I guess all I want to know is if there’s any success stories out there… I just need some sort of human interaction on this issue.
Any comments or additions is welcome, just don’t throw me any of the “suicide is selfish” crap. Literally only feeds the fire. I understand the very nature of the thoughts of suicide very well.
I’m really, really sorry it’s so longwinded. This is literally only the third time I’ve ever tackled this issue both in print and out loud, so I have a lot of pent up feelings..
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You really are an inspiration. People have no idea how many other people are going through the internal conflict that you described, and the fact that you have stepped up and helped give them a voice is so important/. If more people opened up in the way you did, we could all relate better and help alot of people. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. Stay strong.
Hi @heedthem, I just happened onto your post today. I’d like to offer you some thoughts:
1. One of the most important things I do to keep myself out of a depressive state is to go somewhere and/or be with people. Isolation is the default position for someone with depression, and must be avoided. I find that when I go outside, drive somewhere, or walk somewhere, it always changes my state.
2. Another thing, easier said than done, is to get someone almost like a sponsor in AA, who is a resource for you, who will reach out to you, who is available as needed to encourage you to “get outside of your internal world.”
3. Something that made a huge difference in my life was to attend a Tony Robbins event called Unleash the Power Within. He has a lot of great stuff that really allowed me to shift some of my beliefs.
4. Find something outside of yourself to care about and invest in. Volunteering somewhere where the people (or animals, if that’s your thing) are clearly less well off than you. Even when I feel at my lowest, I intellectually understand that I am really blessed with a LOT. Spending time with homeless people, orphans, abandoned animals, mentally handicapped people, other groups who are marginalized for one reason or another.
I haven’t been on this message board before so I’m not sure if I will receive en mail notification of any responses to this message, so I’ll check back here in case there is a response.
Best wishes. I’m sending you positive thoughts!
The part that gets me is that you are completely right about people and their worth in regards to me and so forth. I know this and acknowledge this to be truth. Often in my mindsets someone’s opinion on a specific matter will matter very little to me if it’s contradictory because of all sorts of bias factors that I’m really good at seeing. If I’m capable of thinking anywhere to my normal train of thought, I’m very good at understanding all sides from a logical point of view.
Logically, what you say is true and I know it for a fact.
But the part that I just don’t know what to do is how to make my depressed self believe them. There’s the echo of detached logic that I have, but I can’t make it meet with my heart.
I want to accept and embrace the words you’re saying… I see them and understand the nature of what you’re saying in the abstract sense.
It’s just such an ugly cycle.
And of course you’re right about the girl…. what it really is about is that it becomes a metaphor for my life and the main entree of my large group of friends that I can no longer let myself interact with anymore. It does lead to the looping yet spiraling thought process.
“Why do all my friends always leave me?”
“Why am I always angry all the time?”
“Why why why..”
My lack of self-worth is based off of a lot of anger issues I have also. I tend to have a kinda rough personality sometimes and will be on the defensive by being on the offensive. I lash out at people, and often time the people I love most. It’s terrible, but when it comes to my friends I can be rude sometimes or too brutally honest. it’s just that half the time it comes from a place where I’m trying to be helpful by offering my candid worldview and it comes out too plainly, and the other half is me being really sarcastic, kinda bitter, critical, and maybe even attention-seeking. The last one is something I know I used to have really badly in years past, but am unable to tell unless it’s already obvious to me I just want some recognition in some way. And I also have this stupid lying compulsion.
This personality type doesn’t sit well with people anyways, but I don’t mind too much when I say my mind with good intentions. But this is when I’m not depressed as shit.
I have also worked off of low self-esteem and the stupid decisions I’ve made because of it. (cheating every relationship, etc)
I’ve moved on for the most part for my past mistakes I’ve made but the feelings that made me able to slide into that lack of integrity is still there.
@heedthem, First thing’s first; cut the weed. Seriously, no more. And this is coming from a guy who got blitzed out of his mind every day for 2 years straight. My family has a history of anxiety issues so in retrospect I should of seen it coming but after a while weed was no longer my friend. It was a way for me to numb myself down, sure, but it was also contributing to my depressive downward spiral. I have OCD, so it’s very easy for me to get stuck in a thought loop for hours without even noticing it.
As for the self-loathing thoughts, I think we can agree that we generally don’t want them, correct? As in, if we could get the thoughts to stop, to stop from coming into our psyche, we would we better off. This is delusional thinking. Studies have shown that it is impossible for us to control what enters our mind, it’s like the brain is a thought processing machine that never stops. So basically, when it comes to the thoughts that enter our minds, we basically have to bend over and take it whether we like it or not.
There is hope though; you don’t necessarily have to believe what your brain throws your way. You say you know all the tricks to meditation so I’m assuming you know how to observe your thoughts. The trick is to just sit back and see what the brain throws at you and then just call it out on its shit. Any time a ”man life sucks, I’ll never be anybody, no one likes me, I wish it would all just end, God please diagnose me with cancer so that I die without my parents having to go through the trauma of losing a child to suicide…etc.” thought would enter my mind I could a) believe it at face value or b) call my mind out on its bullshit. After a while of calling it out on its shit you kind of start….mocking your brain. I’ll be studying or some shit and then one of the old horrible thoughts creeps in and I just laugh, let it go, and move on.
As for wanting to feel to spark of life again, go out there and find ways to feel alive. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be drugs or sex or alcohol. When I was really down in the slumps I would go out and run until my heart couldn’t take it anymore just to feel what it was like to push the body to its limits. We spend an entire lifetime in this body and yet most of us never push it to its limits. That was the best thing I did that helped alleviate the depression.
Sorry for the long post bud, topics like these can’t be tl;dr’d in my opinion. Best tip I can give you is to keep your head up (cliché I know, but it’s fucking true). Depression is not something you cure over night, it takes much longer than that. Think about how long it took you to fall into this slump; it will most likely take just as long to get out of it. But you can do it, many have, just look up success stories on Google. I’d give you a hug if I could :D
@heedthem, I’d suggest more than anything else to be aware of these periods, when they come is it a gradual segue or is it just a full on assault when you’ve gotten that answered, go and take your spirit back through meditation or whatever spiritual practice you can think of. it is a hard ascent an takes more time, effort and motivation than most give it credit for, but you can put this all behind you, eventually.
keep your head, heart and soul as high as you can, if you truly want to get out of the cycle of suicidal ideation, it is within you power to do so, if you ever need anyone to talk to about it, I’m always up to listen
Stop JUDGING yourself and just BE yourself. Stop setting EXPECTATIONS; just set GOALS.
An important question to answer is, Do you actually believe that your “worth” is less than the worth of all the other people in the world or is it just a feeling that you can’t control?
Try to find something that you like thinking about. Something that won’t lead you back to depressing thoughts. Let’s say you like to create new dance moves or something. Make a list of the top 10 starter thoughts for you depressed state. Maybe, “Nobody likes me.” or “I suck at life.” Whenever you have one of those thoughts, mentally scold yourself then immediately devote all of your attention to creating new dance moves (or whatever the thing is that you enjoy thinking about). Make sense?
I have quit smoking weed for periods of time and it helps with general mental clarity, and I could understand how it probably doesn’t help with my depressive thoughts, although I don’t think needing to cut it out all at once is necessary… I’ve been working on not having the dependence, though, and I already feel a natural not-needing attitude towards it growing.
If anything, I just need to cut back to stop numbing it out all the time.
I do already have a history of working out that I’ve taken up. Although I’ve been neglecting it more recently, and it does help me situationally, it never gets rid of the sadness. :[
You got me pretty good on the other ones, though, besides depressing music. I’m really good at wanting what kind of music I need at the time. (I don’t really listen to depressing music to begin with though. Only the old alt rock/hard rock from my childhood is sad, and I only listen to it cause I like knowing all the words and it makes me nostalgic.)
Thank you for your additions
@heedthem, What you need is also a Strategy. A simple strategy to make positive thinking effective and make things happen. Give it a try to all the positive things that you enjoy doing and put them into action. And do them often. You need a positive/helpful Routine. Go out (even if it means going out alone), go anywhere, go jogging, sign up to an art class or something like that, somewhere where you can meet different types of people. You need to extend your circle of people if you want to meet positive people. Personally, I’ve always found comfort and a positive attitude by talking to people older than me (I’m 24), grown ups, people in their ’30s-’40s-’50s, people that have learned a lot by their personal experience. Sometimes you don’t find the comfort you need in people of the same age as you are because they also are dealing with their own personal struggle. So, go easy on you, cause you’re not alone in this. Don’t lose hope and stay strong.
Give it a read to this article, it makes some good points on how to make positive thinking effective http://www.purposefairy.com/8671/7-things-you-should-do-to-make-positive-thinking-effective/
@heedthem, Everyone is different, but in my personal experience. I quit cold turkey after smoking every day, 3 times a day for months. It was about a year before I ever ended up smoking again. It’s not that bad. Quitting coffee is 20 times harder. Have a little faith in yourself.
I don’t recommend setting exceptions for yourself. Exceptions are bound to happen naturally. It’s most important to make sure that when you do make an exception, you’re using the weed and not abusing it. It should be a tool, not a crutch.
@heedthem, “i know all of the tricks of meditation” I’m sorry, but that is completely ignorant. You obviously don’t or else you wouldn’t be in this situation. Everyone goes through peaks and valleys in life, it doesn’t mean you have bi polar disorder. Classifying your regular depression as so only makes it worse and solidifies the idea in your head which creates a self fulfilled prophecy. The key to getting passed this stage along with other peoples ideas above is to live completely in the now. When you remove the story of you and the voice inside your head that’s gives you a false idea of who you are then you will be entirely free from this. But, if you know all of the tricks of meditation you are probably already aware of this.
@orange, Thank you for kind words, I’ve been fed negative responses to this kind of seeking out before (without me admitting the suicide part, just extreme depression) and it totally sucks.
That video, though… just damn. I literally only listened to the first minute, but I already like what he was saying. After I’m done responding I’m going to go finish it.
It’s funny, I went for a drive to clear my thoughts this morning and saw a group of old ladies playing basketball at a park at like 8:00 AM and all I wanted to do was get out and play with them lol.
@kipgoeing, The serious suicide thoughts are less often… That’s on a horribly horrific day and is not a regular. Usually what happens is I have to choose between the blunt or drowning in aforementioned cesspool of extreme sadness and disliking of self. I feel like a Dementor paid me a visit, literally. Sucked of life without even feeling the dramatic sense of wanting to end my life. Sometimes I can’t tell if this is worse or not.
I never smoke alone, I live with my boyfriend… but I guess that still doesn’t mean I don’t smoke “ALONE” mentally.
The friends I did enjoy smoking with socially are now the ones that started this mess. They are now zombies and slaves to the plant with only enough clarity in their brains to spew hate. It’s horrible how it’s been ruined for me, it used to be a positive experience with them (or what I perceived to be.)
Sorry, I haven’t elaborated much.. When I lost my job in Sept (not really directly linked, btw, because that job gave me a false sense of fulfillment and extreeeme stress and being fired is probably one of few things enabling me to be alive right now) I at first was sleeping wonderfully for the first time in my life ever, every day. I started sleeping a normal person’s schedule for the first time ever, etc. I would get sleepy around 10-11 and wake up around 8-9 naturally.
But with unemployment life I have gone back into my insomnia ways, and regularly stay up till 7 am and sleep till at least 2/3 pm. Not good, I know. Sleeping during the day every day has proven to me to make me more depressed. I need to change it.
My main depression fuel is my insecurity for myself, my complete lack of confidence, and the need for friends. The finding of my friends having “betrayed” me so to speak (they didn’t really, since nothing is different than how it has been for years, but it was a terrible day for sure) is what started the giant landslide. I started growing in my depression, I could tell, and therefore lashing out and grew my isolationism. I flipflopped between hating myself and hating those people for not extending the vulnerable, genuine love I offer to so few in my life. Then I had an epiphany of the worst kind, and that sealed the deal of spiral into horrible, dark, disgusting anguish.
I have absolutely no self-worth. I pretty much hate myself and don’t like anything about myself hardly. Things that I actually do like about myself when I’m not depressed and in a more neutral state of mine are never that much liked by me at best, and feel empty. I can find almost nothing I like about myself. I guess that’s why I’m stuck in suck a loop. Being gracious to myself… feels silly at best and absolutely impossible when I’m depressed.
And get this, I KNOW all of these problems and I KNOW that it’s because I think of myself like a pile of shit. But when I’m depressed I just can’t feel it authentically.
Hey @heedthem, You are not alone! Trust me, there are really many people out there who feel similar to the way you do. Many don’t show it, because they’re scared. Many hide in their own little shell. It is truly Brave of you to talk about what’s bothering you, to frame into words pieces of what you’re feeling. Take my advice, whenever you’re feeling down, Write! Write on a piece of paper, keep a journal, write wherever you feel like writing. Express yourself! Draw, if this makes you feel good. Your passions are there to help you and guide you. Sometimes a piece of paper can be a truly great listener.
Learn to understand what you’re feeling. Try not to judge yourself. Lower your expections and Love what you already are. “Expectations are the root of all heartache.”
You are a beautiful human being, with great potential to do amazing things! Accept Yourself as you already are. You are not your past mistakes, you are not what other people might think of you, “You are the result of the Love of thousands.”
You don’t have to be perfect to be Beautiful. Imperfection. That is Beautiful. “I think perfection is ugly. Somewhere in the things humans make, I want to see scars, failure, disorder, distortion.” Because this is what being Human is all about.
If there were people in your life bringing you down, friends that took advantage of you or betrayed your feelings, letting them go was the right thing to do. Sometimes, loneliness is the price one has to pay in order to get to what he/she really needs, something true and meaningful. Embrace loneliness as a temporary state and a time to find what you really need in your life. Surround yourself with Good, Positive Inspiration. Lots of Inspiration! Get out even if it means going out alone. Keep yourself busy with anything that you enjoy doing. Daily explore all the amazing Art that can be found anywhere, the Internet is such a huge library of anything that you could possibly want. Listen to good music, Dance, watch films, read inspirational books, discover, explore all the Beauty still left in this World.
And aim for independece, you don’t need anyone in order to be Happy. “Remember that at any given moment, there are a thousand things you can love.”
Everything is a matter of perspective. Change the way you see yourself. Have faith in who you are. Your worth is not measured by other people’s opinions or attitude towards you. “The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”
I hope my usage of quotes does not get bothering, but I find them to be very useful for the purpose of my reply to you. I know how it feels to be down because of others and I’ve struggled a lot with low self-esteem issues and a lack of motivation. But, even if sometimes it meant to stand alone, I chose to follow my own road and I had to learn to listen to my heart and have faith that things will get better.
So, be Strong and stay Strong! You are not alone in this.
I know people are saying cut the weed completely, but I’ve struggle with depression and suicidal urges too and I can tell you with utmost honesty that without weed I would assuredly be dead right now. If you’re really sitting there with a razor blade in your left hand and a blunt in your right hand. Choose the fucking blunt. I know that sometimes it is like that. I’ve been there. It’s not like that all the time though, so SAVE YOUR WEED for the darkest nights when you’re at your lowest. That’s my advice.
Also, you have to realize smoking socially is a lot different than smoking alone. When you smoke by yourself, people tend to spend a lot of time inside their own head, which can be a very dangerous place to be if you stay there too long. Depressed people know what I’m talking about.
What is your schedule like? Is it regular? DO you sleep during the same hours every night? If not, you need to start right away. Use the timers or datebooks on your phone to create an eating and sleeping schedule and stick to it. Schedule/Routine will become your savior. It’s like a floaty that will keep you from drowning.
Also, you didn’t mention what thoughts and feelings fuel your depression. If it’s guilt or shame, do things that you will be proud of at the end of the day. Every time you make a good decision, write it down in a pocket notebook. Example: “At 11:00am I resisted the urge to stop at mcdonald’s and I stuck to my healthy diet.” At the end of the day, you’ll have maybe 20 things like that written on your page. Sit down as you would sit down to meditate. Spend 20 minutes just being thankful to yourself and proud of yourself for each and every good decision you made and every goal you accomplished that day.
People practice saying “thank you” to others because they don’t expect other people to care about them. People don’t say thank you to themselves because it’s usually a given that you appreciate yourself. So, what happens when that’s not a given anymore? You have to start saying “thank you” to yourself, Consciously deeming yourself worthy of gratitude because your subconscious isn’t doing that anymore. Once you get in the habit of consciously being grateful for yourself and the good things that you do, it will begin to happen subconsciously again.
Also, get up early enough to see the sun rise. You don’t have to watch it, but it’s natural for you body and mind. Make making plans a habit. People who are gonna kill themselves don’t make plans. As long as you can keep yourself making plans, you don’t have to worry about committing suicide.
@heedthem, Way cool that you went for a drive this morning. Getting out is good for those of us who deal with depression!
I have read through this entire thread and have seen some really interesting stuff! One thing I noticed was that you didn’t actually ask for advice, as you mentioned, but that you went with it. My original post was meant to share some of my story, which I do consider successful, even though I still struggle with depression.
I wonder what would have happened if you had stopped and watched their game. I wonder if they would have spoken to you. I wonder if that would have resulted in some contact of the human sort. I think following those sorts of desires can be something that actually benefits us because we are giving our brain a new experience!
@shivvy, Yeah, “What is the point of life?” is a dangerous question to let into your head. I adopted two viewpoints that help be avoid getting to far lost in that sort of question.
1. Life is art. Nothing more. Nothing less. (more detail in my philosophy on my profile page)
2. There are some things that simple cannot be known. It’s just the nature of this universe. Answers will always seed more questions.
@heedthem, Do you mean you don’t think you need to completely cut out weed or really you don’t want to?
I didn’t say it to bum you out, but you asked for ways to feel better. So yes, cutting out completely does make you feel better!
1.) You’re totallyyy right on the isolation thing, and I’m already a hermit to begin with. I think my isolationism I’ve been experiencing is not positive, but I think that it has been a necessary recoil with the people I have available in my life. I crave positive human interaction, it hurts me that I’m without it and I feel like I’m dying inside sometimes because of this realization that the friends that I have had, that are still present in my life that I have removed myself from, have never thought much of me and are negative people. However, I am left with literally no one to interact with.
My best friend, my twin soul, is in bad straits herself and is emotionally unavailable to me right now.
My boyfriend, who I love and adore, lives with me but requires long logical explanations for him to understand why I feel this way since he has almost no understanding of depression. He means well 100% of the time and smothers me with love, but it is not enough oftentimes when he can’t understand, and leaves me feeling lonely/alone.
I feel I have nowhere to go. :[ It’s part of my problem. Entrapment.
2.) I looked for things like “suicide support groups” in my area, I actually really really wanted to involve myself with others like me somehow, but I have had zero luck after a few hours of searching. The only thing I could find is “suicide survivors”, but feel like I would be look down on since I’m only a prospector and have never tried to commit in actuality.
3.) That actually made me think of “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle right away, and I have downloaded the audiobook. I will also google some self-help/happiness seminars that might come by.
4.) I care a whole lot about art (Illust. major) and have estranged myself from it since my last art class like a year and a half ago… Inspiration and lack of motivation was a nasty roadblock for a long time and since then have been reinspired with images in my head… and I WANT to draw every single day, but.. I always feel so defeated and unable to. Like I like what it’s my head. I want to draw it down. I put my hand to the paper… …. … I can’t do it. It’s the same way with anything to matters to me. I suddenly have some inability. It’s like my neurotransmitters aren’t working and I’m unable to put the lines onto the paper.
Just recently I was able to reclaim reading, but I still have to read in small doses before I lose attention and zest.
But for volunteering…. I like puppies and kittens, they almost always make me smile. I’ve considered volunteering at the shelter before, I might put that to the test now.
Thank you for your advice and sweetness.
It was right after I came on here a second time and I was having a really hard time calming down still. I looked outside and saw it was cold and extremely foggy. I love extremely foggy weather, especially in a no-sun manner and this was while the sun was still barely on the horizon. We almost never get foggy days, let alone VERY foggy. I knew it was a sign from the universe that I was supposed to go for a drive.
I wore my most comfy clothes, brought my cute dog, even treated myself to a cigarette (I quit smoking cigarettes almost 5 years ago), bought some coffee…. It was a good thing.
You’re right about the advice thing, but I really didn’t mind if people threw it in or not. I was just desperate for external voices on my problem. I mostly wanted to talk to other people who had been very depressed/suicidal, and the topic delivered.
I did wonder about that myself.. Although I have been considering delving more into the more mature crowd for a couple weeks so perhaps it was just a confirmation or and inspiration. I guess I’ll never know :) I just need to go find my own old ladies.
Although I’m DEFINITELY not comfortable enough to just walk up to people like that all the time haha… I don’t mind putting myself out there quite far on numerous occasions but it does seem a little daunting.
@heedthem, Are you MY Girlfriend? She could have probably wrote this verbatim…
She got off anti-depressants recently and it was terrible. I’ve never been that high-strung in my life, and my nerves were at their wits end.
Smoking weed, if it helps you calm down, is fine. But if it doesn’t help, then don’t do it. There comes a point in most people’s “smoking career” where the weed gets pretty ugly, and has a negative effect, but up until then, you’re fine.
So what I have to say is depression is a veil. Depression blocks our view of good things, and distorts our perceptions in a certain way that we only see (and dwell) on the negative. It can come and go, and when the veil gets thick, its really tough to lift it, but it is always possible.
I’ve already wrote extensively on depression, why we have it, and what we can do about it, so I won’t go into super deep detail…
Maybe it would be helpful for you to make amends with the people in, and out of your life. You have lost many of your friends, why? If there is something that happened between you and your friends realize that it is ok as long as you feel at peace with it. If you aren’t at peace with it you should seek closure by forgiving your friends, forgiving yourself, and moving on. You could do this by talking to them or writing a letter and just letting them know where you are coming from. The next step is letting go. It seems as if you want to let go and don’t know how. Try to wake up every morning with a small goal for the day that you know might help you let go of or change the things that bring negativity into your life and help you make your life positive. A lot of things can cause depression, and I am not sure what makes you depressed but that doesn’t matter. All you can do is make some changes in your life and see how you feel. Always remember that every day is a gift and we are all so fortunate to live on this beautiful planet. There is beauty everywhere, maybe you just arent where you are supposed to be right now :) hope this helps.