Suicidal thoughts, letting go, and healing for real (long)

1 year, 11 months ago

Hello HEthens, I’m bringing both a universally and personally very sensitive topic to you today…

It’s hard for me to say it out loud or type it, but I’m getting better about it. Not talking about it just lets it simmer and become a dangerous, silent animal.

I took the first step of explaining my suicidal thoughts to my boyfriend of 1.5yrs during a bad fight (very very rare) where I was refusing to explain to him why I had been a crying wreck for two days straight.

I thought I had conquered those thoughts…. I have a lifelong history of battling depression, extreme insecurity, overcompensating and so on.
I always seem to cycle in the bipolar fashion – longer cycles of repetitively “manic” or “depressive” actions and thoughts. I haven’t ever visited a therapist, but my mother has been diagnosed along with anxiety issues.

I hadn’t had serious suicidal thoughts in a long time… Like every once in a while, but it was always a sort of “passing option” on a purely logical, detached standpoint. I believe in reincarnation and all that, so the very thought of not living is scary but not that scary.

I had had what I thought was a “personal revolution” the beginning of this year. I had had immense spiritual re-awakenings during this time, completely overhauled my diet, lost weight successfully for the first time ever, started working out and found how much I loved it… so many good things happened.

But this has all seemed to shrink to minute nothings almost, and I feel no inspiration in daily life and am having a hard time reinstating my always unwavering faith in the universe.

Best days I feel numb and unaffected, most days I smoke weed and distract myself from what happens when I remember what I’m feeling. Just sadness sadness sadness.

I feel like I have lost all my friends. Actually, I feel like I never had any friends to begin with, honestly. I overanalyze everything, and it seems like I overestimate my worth to people every single time.

I want to let go. I want to let go of how people affect my life so. badly. I know this is what I need to do in order to get out of this funk. Otherwise I’m going to spiral too quickly and that’s such a dangerous place for me to be. Nothing but deep self-loathing with gross self-pity.

And I KNOW when I’m “all there” mentally and not just some passing-by haze of mind, that I care so much less about what people think.

But I can’t seem to let things go. I’ve been reading up on “purging negativity” and all that.
I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life so to speak, but I keep regressing even further into hermit mode. I’ve made the bold decision to deactivate my facebook for a few months to remove myself from the negative nature of the site.
I have no friends to speak of, so… that’s taken care of.

I know about meditation, I know all the tricks. I just want to feel better. :( I want to stop being so sad and without inspiration or energy to do things. I want to feel the magic of life again, but as a normal person on the path to enlightenment, not the internal hype of successfully making a few lifestyle changes while manic like before. It’s a deluded way of thinking and I’ve noticed this.

I guess all I want to know is if there’s any success stories out there… I just need some sort of human interaction on this issue.

Any comments or additions is welcome, just don’t throw me any of the “suicide is selfish” crap. Literally only feeds the fire. I understand the very nature of the thoughts of suicide very well.

I’m really, really sorry it’s so longwinded. This is literally only the third time I’ve ever tackled this issue both in print and out loud, so I have a lot of pent up feelings..

12.14.2012 at 5:54 am

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Profile photo of Kip Goeing Kip Goeing (@kipgoeing) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

Stop JUDGING yourself and just BE yourself. Stop setting EXPECTATIONS; just set GOALS.

An important question to answer is, Do you actually believe that your “worth” is less than the worth of all the other people in the world or is it just a feeling that you can’t control?

Try to find something that you like thinking about. Something that won’t lead you back to depressing thoughts. Let’s say you like to create new dance moves or something. Make a list of the top 10 starter thoughts for you depressed state. Maybe, “Nobody likes me.” or “I suck at life.” Whenever you have one of those thoughts, mentally scold yourself then immediately devote all of your attention to creating new dance moves (or whatever the thing is that you enjoy thinking about). Make sense?

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Profile photo of Nick Nick (@splashartist) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@heedthem, “i know all of the tricks of meditation” I’m sorry, but that is completely ignorant. You obviously don’t or else you wouldn’t be in this situation. Everyone goes through peaks and valleys in life, it doesn’t mean you have bi polar disorder. Classifying your regular depression as so only makes it worse and solidifies the idea in your head which creates a self fulfilled prophecy. The key to getting passed this stage along with other peoples ideas above is to live completely in the now. When you remove the story of you and the voice inside your head that’s gives you a false idea of who you are then you will be entirely free from this. But, if you know all of the tricks of meditation you are probably already aware of this.

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Profile photo of Ioana Bogdan Ioana Bogdan (@ioanabogdan) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

Hey @heedthem, You are not alone! Trust me, there are really many people out there who feel similar to the way you do. Many don’t show it, because they’re scared. Many hide in their own little shell. It is truly Brave of you to talk about what’s bothering you, to frame into words pieces of what you’re feeling. Take my advice, whenever you’re feeling down, Write! Write on a piece of paper, keep a journal, write wherever you feel like writing. Express yourself! Draw, if this makes you feel good. Your passions are there to help you and guide you. Sometimes a piece of paper can be a truly great listener.
Learn to understand what you’re feeling. Try not to judge yourself. Lower your expections and Love what you already are. “Expectations are the root of all heartache.”
You are a beautiful human being, with great potential to do amazing things! Accept Yourself as you already are. You are not your past mistakes, you are not what other people might think of you, “You are the result of the Love of thousands.”
You don’t have to be perfect to be Beautiful. Imperfection. That is Beautiful. “I think perfection is ugly. Somewhere in the things humans make, I want to see scars, failure, disorder, distortion.” Because this is what being Human is all about.
If there were people in your life bringing you down, friends that took advantage of you or betrayed your feelings, letting them go was the right thing to do. Sometimes, loneliness is the price one has to pay in order to get to what he/she really needs, something true and meaningful. Embrace loneliness as a temporary state and a time to find what you really need in your life. Surround yourself with Good, Positive Inspiration. Lots of Inspiration! Get out even if it means going out alone. Keep yourself busy with anything that you enjoy doing. Daily explore all the amazing Art that can be found anywhere, the Internet is such a huge library of anything that you could possibly want. Listen to good music, Dance, watch films, read inspirational books, discover, explore all the Beauty still left in this World.
And aim for independece, you don’t need anyone in order to be Happy. “Remember that at any given moment, there are a thousand things you can love.”
Everything is a matter of perspective. Change the way you see yourself. Have faith in who you are. Your worth is not measured by other people’s opinions or attitude towards you. “The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”
I hope my usage of quotes does not get bothering, but I find them to be very useful for the purpose of my reply to you. I know how it feels to be down because of others and I’ve struggled a lot with low self-esteem issues and a lack of motivation. But, even if sometimes it meant to stand alone, I chose to follow my own road and I had to learn to listen to my heart and have faith that things will get better.
So, be Strong and stay Strong! You are not alone in this.

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Profile photo of Alex Alex (@staylucky) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@heedthem, Do you mean you don’t think you need to completely cut out weed or really you don’t want to?

I didn’t say it to bum you out, but you asked for ways to feel better. So yes, cutting out completely does make you feel better!

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Profile photo of Allie Allie (@alliesull) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

Maybe it would be helpful for you to make amends with the people in, and out of your life. You have lost many of your friends, why? If there is something that happened between you and your friends realize that it is ok as long as you feel at peace with it. If you aren’t at peace with it you should seek closure by forgiving your friends, forgiving yourself, and moving on. You could do this by talking to them or writing a letter and just letting them know where you are coming from. The next step is letting go. It seems as if you want to let go and don’t know how. Try to wake up every morning with a small goal for the day that you know might help you let go of or change the things that bring negativity into your life and help you make your life positive. A lot of things can cause depression, and I am not sure what makes you depressed but that doesn’t matter. All you can do is make some changes in your life and see how you feel. Always remember that every day is a gift and we are all so fortunate to live on this beautiful planet. There is beauty everywhere, maybe you just arent where you are supposed to be right now :) hope this helps.

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Profile photo of Almeida Almeida (@xetado) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

First of all, don’t smoke weed anymore. Never use drugs to make you happy or less sad. I’ll be very sincere with you… In the beginning of this year, when I started to visit HighExistence, the most overwhelming thing I saw was “Happiness is within”. I struggled for months saying to myself “Fuck no, things around me should be well too”, but in the end it’s the truth. Nothing matters, only the present, only you. I too had a lot of depressive and suicidal thoughts and the reason was so simple, all the time in my face: I was not only pessimist about my social status in the present, but also with things I done in my past and things I would do in the future. I did like that:
1 – I recognized what was taking me away from happiness and enlightenment
2 – I turned love and positivity into a single and unique fuel to perform every action I would do. I would talk to people with love, I would watch the sky with love, I would think about love all the time. You have no idea how this works so well.
3 – Suddenly I realized that happiness was within, and I was trying to find something in the wrong place all the time!
A strong tip too that helped me even more was smiling with no reason. It makes you incredibly happy with no reason! (Thanks to @jordan)
I wish you the best, peace and love.

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Profile photo of Heed them, HEthen Heed them, HEthen (@heedthem) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

To everyone else: thank you so much for all of your advice, support, and kind words you continued to share while I was gone. There’s a lot of long posts here, but I read all of every single one and I’m grateful for all of them. I will reread everything and seriously contemplate more things.

Sometimes this website is all I have to fall back on when things on bad and say my boyfriend isn’t there or anything… Who knows, you might’ve saved a life…

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Profile photo of Heed them, HEthen Heed them, HEthen (@heedthem) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@xetado, @staylucky,
I was in bad straits just now and almost reached for my bong. But I didn’t this time.

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Profile photo of Heed them, HEthen Heed them, HEthen (@heedthem) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@ioanabogdan, @kipgoeing,
Thank you for the encouragement, I didn’t feel brave posting it but it wasn’t easy either.

I do have an itty bitty notebook I keep in my purse. It’s been good for scrawling painting ideas and philosophy, although I kinda shied away from using it as a diary. But I’m trying to not put myself down or set weird rules and expectations for myself like you suggested. I think that out of all of the advice that people gave me, I think that’s the first step I need to do.
I need to find a way to believe that I am worth more than I am. I literally believe all of the terrible things I say to myself about myself. I KNOW I am worth more, logically. I need to make myself believe it.
I literally thought until I reread everything that when I’m depressed I have less problems with self-worth and I’m still kinda hazy on exactly what’s what… I mean I do stand up for myself a lot more when I’m less depressed. But I’m starting to think that a lot of it is based off of a false sense of inflated ego and need to defend myself/victimize myself. I’m having a hard time clearly thinking on those times different from where I am now.

You’re right, @kipgoeing, I need to not beat myself up over and over.

@ioanabogdan, I believe in my heart that me staying away from those people was the right decision. They were mental/emotional leeches.
I’ve been looking at a lot more art, but I must do more.
What I realized is I NEED positive people. I just am not totally sure where to find them.
I want independence… You’re right and I think about this all the time… A whole person is okay being alone with themselves.

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Profile photo of Ed Ed (@orange) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@heedthem, Awesome :) My love goes out to you, good luck

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Profile photo of Heed them, HEthen Heed them, HEthen (@heedthem) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@orange, same to you, Namaste friend

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Profile photo of Ioana Bogdan Ioana Bogdan (@ioanabogdan) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@heedthem, What you need is also a Strategy. A simple strategy to make positive thinking effective and make things happen. Give it a try to all the positive things that you enjoy doing and put them into action. And do them often. You need a positive/helpful Routine. Go out (even if it means going out alone), go anywhere, go jogging, sign up to an art class or something like that, somewhere where you can meet different types of people. You need to extend your circle of people if you want to meet positive people. Personally, I’ve always found comfort and a positive attitude by talking to people older than me (I’m 24), grown ups, people in their ’30s-’40s-’50s, people that have learned a lot by their personal experience. Sometimes you don’t find the comfort you need in people of the same age as you are because they also are dealing with their own personal struggle. So, go easy on you, cause you’re not alone in this. Don’t lose hope and stay strong.
Give it a read to this article, it makes some good points on how to make positive thinking effective http://www.purposefairy.com/8671/7-things-you-should-do-to-make-positive-thinking-effective/

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Profile photo of Heed them, HEthen Heed them, HEthen (@heedthem) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@ioanabogdan,
It’s funny, I went for a drive to clear my thoughts this morning and saw a group of old ladies playing basketball at a park at like 8:00 AM and all I wanted to do was get out and play with them lol.

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Profile photo of lovelysusabella lovelysusabella (@lovelysusabella) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@heedthem, Way cool that you went for a drive this morning. Getting out is good for those of us who deal with depression!

I have read through this entire thread and have seen some really interesting stuff! One thing I noticed was that you didn’t actually ask for advice, as you mentioned, but that you went with it. My original post was meant to share some of my story, which I do consider successful, even though I still struggle with depression.

I wonder what would have happened if you had stopped and watched their game. I wonder if they would have spoken to you. I wonder if that would have resulted in some contact of the human sort. I think following those sorts of desires can be something that actually benefits us because we are giving our brain a new experience!

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Profile photo of Heed them, HEthen Heed them, HEthen (@heedthem) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@lovelysusabella,
It was right after I came on here a second time and I was having a really hard time calming down still. I looked outside and saw it was cold and extremely foggy. I love extremely foggy weather, especially in a no-sun manner and this was while the sun was still barely on the horizon. We almost never get foggy days, let alone VERY foggy. I knew it was a sign from the universe that I was supposed to go for a drive.
I wore my most comfy clothes, brought my cute dog, even treated myself to a cigarette (I quit smoking cigarettes almost 5 years ago), bought some coffee…. It was a good thing.

You’re right about the advice thing, but I really didn’t mind if people threw it in or not. I was just desperate for external voices on my problem. I mostly wanted to talk to other people who had been very depressed/suicidal, and the topic delivered.

I did wonder about that myself.. Although I have been considering delving more into the more mature crowd for a couple weeks so perhaps it was just a confirmation or and inspiration. I guess I’ll never know :) I just need to go find my own old ladies.
Although I’m DEFINITELY not comfortable enough to just walk up to people like that all the time haha… I don’t mind putting myself out there quite far on numerous occasions but it does seem a little daunting.

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Profile photo of lovelysusabella lovelysusabella (@lovelysusabella) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@heedthem, So awesome that you saw the sign and acted on it! And I love the things you did to take care of yourself and make the drive a good thing for you.

I totally get it about not feeling comfortable enough to walk up to strangers like that! I just wonder what would happen if you (or I) did something really unusual like that.

I hope you can find your own set of nice old ladies. One place I think you might be able to find them would be at a book group at your local library. Not sure about that, but it might be a lead. Also, I suspect I might be an old lady, from your point of view (51) and I can tell you I would love to be a resource to a young woman, and I know it’s kind of tricky for two people to find each other. But if I were going to be a resource, I would imagine myself meeting with my young friend on a weekly basis or so, over coffee, just listening and caring for her. I would imagine I would be inviting her to my home for a meal or to spend some time with my family (I have five kids and a sweet husband). I would imagine myself inviting her to go to lunch or for a walk in the park or to an art exhibit. I would imagine myself being someone she could call and visit and feel safe with.

I know there must be women like myself wherever you are. Tony Robbins teaches that we get more of what look for. So, if you continue to keep your eyes open and look for your old ladies, I know you will find them.

Peace to you, @heedthem.

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Profile photo of Heed them, HEthen Heed them, HEthen (@heedthem) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

@lovelysusabella, Thank you for the inspiration and insight you offered, that was very helpful and a point of view that had been unavailable to me.

Those are some nice suggestions, I will further look into those. I love reading, so :)
This is pretty much all I am hoping for… just simple, relaxing interaction. I would so do a game night with a woman’s family or some of the sort even.
And lol, these ladies were a little older than that. My mom is 50 and is still kicking ass, she’s just now starting to look a little more her age in the past year, in my opinion.
I would estimate a good 65. They still seemed nice and sprite.

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Profile photo of Cjk92 Cjk92 (@cokurth) 1 year, 4 months ago ago

You really are an inspiration. People have no idea how many other people are going through the internal conflict that you described, and the fact that you have stepped up and helped give them a voice is so important/. If more people opened up in the way you did, we could all relate better and help alot of people. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. Stay strong.

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