I once read this in an anonymous post and it has stuck with me for so long. It was posts people have kept inside, but just wanted someone to read them, somewhere. This is the one that hit me:
“I realized I love my wife only because she loves me. That isn’t enough reason to leave, but it isn’t enough reason to stay.”
This is a fear of mine. That I’ll get stuck in some relationship, too fearful of hurting the one I’m with to leave, but not engaged enough to enjoy it to its fullest…
thoughts on this?
I don’t a situation like that is fair to either person. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship kept going out of dishonesty and guilt.
Correction: I don’t *think a situation like that…
A horrible feeling. But if it doesn’t feel right to stay, don’t. It can only get worse if one part starts lying to himself to make the other happy. Because sooner or later the other part will know that the first one isn’t happy, and then it will feel twice as bad. Honesty is golden. I’m fearful that I’ll get stuck in a relationship, period. And this is the reason. It’s happened to my parents, they don’t love each other the same way they did, they’re more like friends, but they stay married for some ‘noble’ reason. I always felt this was a great betrayal as a child. At the same time, it sucks seeing people getting a divorce as easily as they do, but at least they had the integrity to quit. Of course it’s comfortable for me to have my parents in one place, and not having to deal with awkward family gatherings and so on. But staying together for the wrong reasons just doesn’t make sense to me. Then again, I don’t really have a say in my parents’s relationship. I can just hope the choices they’ve made will make them happy. I don’t have a copyright on love. If two friends want to stay married, who am I to judge.
@staylucky, the hell happened?
@ARCANUS, I’m the opposite, my parents had the nuts to split up before I was conscious enough to care, it makes thanksgiving and christmas awkward, but it would be really fucking weird if they were together. I’m glad they didn’t strain themselves for me (and glad they did it before it would have messed with me – like age 6 or 7 or something)
@ijesuschrist, I told myself that it was a slump, then I figured this was just how relationships felt after a while, and then like a complete coward I just hoped she’d get sick of me and leave. But she didn’t. So after pussy-footing around for a length of time that I am too embarrassed to even write I finally stepped up and did it.
I can’t regret it now though. That was the past and she is happy now, so that makes me very happy.
@ijesuschrist, I guess better awkward than unhappy then? I think it’s quite awkward already though. My parents think if they don’t stay together, the whole family will fall a part because my dad’s parents are too old to take it. (My grandmother is going blind while trying her best to take care of my granddad who no longer can manage on his own, can’t write his own name or walk unassisted) I guess growing up I felt like it was my fault that they stayed together. What people won’t do to stay away from their own soul. I’ve never had a serious relationship myself, and I suspect this is the reason. Growing up my parents would never kiss. And I remember feeling weird because the kids in my class would say “Eww” to their own parents kissing, while I didn’t find that disgusting at all. I was kinda jealous. I found the fact that my parents never showed affection was quite embarrassing.
@ARCANUS, I know the feeling, my parents have absolutely no relationship, just stayed together for the kids sort of thing and also they are old school Irish so divorce isn’t really an option to them, weird to think in this day and age people are still sacrificing their happiness for silly old traditions. It is very sad to see. Also you’re right, it fucks up your romantic life. My opinion of this is that as a child you see your parents relationship as like the perfect/typical relationship.
@ijesuschrist, I think in this situation you’re better off just ending it, a stitch in time saves nine. Both people will just end up unhappy and will have wasted some precious time on a doomed relationship.
@chekovchameleon, I hear ya. I think what my parents did wrong was that they were hanging out with their pentacostal friends, because it’s because of the pressure from them that they got married in the first place. If not it wouldn’t have been acceptable for them to even be together. They didn’t know each other well enough before they married.
I just got out of that situation… you have to be happy before anyone else… it’s hard after 2 years of dating but after you realize you don’t belong in their life and they don’t belong in yours you just reach a breaking point.
@ARCANUS, It’s a pain but it’s important to channel the negativity into something productive. Oscar Wilde said “children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” Think that says a lot. It’s easy to get hung up on this shit but all parents are just people trying to make sense of the same things we are.
@chekovchameleon, Well stated. :) I think they’re in the process of forgiving themselves as well. And I forgive myself for being a pain in the ass child. And forgive them and love them too, life’s too short to dwell on the things that drag us down.
Well… I hope my relationship doesn’t end up like that… it looks like it might though.
things are getting weirder and weirder and I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of things because of the amount of energy I’m putting in to keeping this thing from melting.
Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to sculpt something from wax on a hot plate. I keep going and going, and i keep seeing things emerge and then they just die off… as soon as I stop putting all my effort in, everything just shits it self.
Tis true, two steps forward one step back. You just find things that make you angry about how they do things or say things, and you just find yourself not being able to make sense of why you are even together anymore. The other person on the other hand is all for it, and all in it to win it and ready to work with any situation but for you it just isn’t any situation you want to compromise. I felt like I was missing out too. Cause I was, I was missing out on doing what I want to do, and stop giving my time to someone I don’t think should get it anymore.
Unfortunately I also think this is why i’m so hesitant to even try and get involved in another relationship. I was in the same position though not married but a 4+ year relationship that started before college. I kept saying in my head if I could just make it until she graduated everything would change, we weren’t naive of how much we were drifting apart. To me it seemed every time I tried to confront a problem she would get excessively emotional and i’d give in and temporarily forget about it though of course it always lingered/built up. I think that’s when I just kind of became apathetic wanting out but at the same time seeing reminders of why I loved her. In retrospect we had a lot of problems in common that neither of us wanted to acknowledge/fix short temper,trusting other people,depression/anxiety,confidence,ect.
Sometimes It really sucks being lonely but I can say spending so much time alone i’ve learned alot about my self.
@ijesuschrist, I was in a relationship that turned to this.
I was with this boy for many years, and was planning on getting married and having a family with him, I was happy, we were happy. But we changed as people and as much as I loved being with him, the sex was good, and we were best friends, we fought, but only as much as normal couples do, it truely was a good and healthy relationship. But it never felt right. Until I had this same epiphany, that I only loved him because he loved me. I’m not gunna lie, it was an awful thing to find out and I hating myself for it, went crazy trying to find out when I stopped “loving” him.
But that’s just what life is, what love is sometimes. I still respect him, he was a great guy and will make an amazing father, but I stopped loving him. Cant explain why, But I’m happy I did. Life changed after that, and it took me to new places. I think it was all meant to be. It was a rough break up, but if your caught like that ( I was lucky, not tied with marriage or children) you should choose happiness over it all.
And if you are stuck in this position, I just want you all to know:
Now okay I know, awful! But on a serious note, don’d be unhappy and don’t lie to someone that loves you. Now i’m not saying tell them straight up, that you don’t love them anymore and the only thing keeping you guys together is there love, because that’s just harsh and now-one deserves that.
When I say choose selfishness, I just mean, choose for you, not for someone else. They will figure it out, as you will too. Its better to be happy than to live miserable and guilty. And in the end, if you realize you really do love them, go back! :)
You don’t want to be stuck in a love-less relationship. Once you don’t have any more feelings for your partner, the very foundation of relationship is gone, which is love. I believe love is much more stronger and genuine than simply “being with someone” who you have a little attraction to. I am no relationship expert nor do I have a lot of experience but one thing I can tell you is that try looking into your happiness. If you’re not happy with yourself or your life, you’re not going to be happy with anyone else. I feel like I am in a same situation in my relationship with my boyfriend of over 2 years and I question his love for me and question my love for him. Better way to approach this situation would be communication. As a girlfriend, I don’t want my man to praise me with cheap flattery and certainly don’t want him to lie about his feelings. If he is honest with me no matter how cold the truth is, I will understand his reason for wanting to separate than leave me with me sugarcoated lies, it’s just not a very mature thing to do. Just know that woman expect their man to man up in these kind of situations and if your girlfriend is mature, I’m sure she will understand and respect your decisions. Of course, you can’t avoid she will be hurt if you want to be out of the relationship but it is better than wasting your time and her time if it’s just not going well for you. If you guys are meant to be, love will find its way back.
I’ve been wanting to ask my boyfriend of two years if he is happy with me or he is just staying in a relationship because he feels obligated to stay. I’m not sure if I’m making a big deal out of nothing or if I should talk to him about it and see his take in our relationship. What do you think as a man?